Weekend Update on Harvey Weinstein

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of emojis at left top corner.]

Apple has announced that it will add 100s of new emojis to it’s iOS system including a person at a spa, a vomiting face and a sushing finger. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein] Weinstein who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars and it’s a prison.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Hervey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s a tough spot for a comedian because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. I mean he looks like chewed bubblegum rolled in cat hair. Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, “We all make mistakes.” Nah, man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you– you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law and Order. Your name’s a verb now, dude, as in, “If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m going to cut off his little Harvey.” Ugh! Doesn’t he look like a well dressed skin tag?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Health Care Act, president tweeted, “The Democrats Obamacare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!” You can’t say it’s imploding when you are actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, “Tokyo is totally imploding right now. I alone can solve!”

Experts are now worried that Trump actions could destabilize Obamacare markets which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to all of them. But this is what Trump does. He just messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with a rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt. He just keeps moving. And then we hear, “Clean up on aisle, Puerto Rico.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on healthcare, president Trump walked away without even signing it. But then, good old Mike Pence was there to remind that she forgot to assign homework. Yay!

Sever aids to president Trump are reportedly saying that he is unraveling and losing a step. Okay, but what point exactly was he ever in step? Coz from here, it’s been like nine months of watching the cat try to walk in Timberlands. During the speech at the value voter summit yesterday, president tons of fun said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, we’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Dude, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time. My deli guy is Muslim, and he says Merry Christmas every time he makes a ham sandwich. You know what, I don’t want to say Merry Christmas anymore because I don’t like that Trump supporters always want us to be specific when it’s about stuff that’s important to them. It can’t be ‘Happy holidays.’ It has to be ‘Merry Christmas.’ It can’t be ‘Save the planet.’ It’s gotta be ‘America first.’ But then when somebody wants to stand up for black people or gays or women, they are like, “Hey, wait a minute. What about everybody else?” So, you know what? Don’t think of it as me saying ‘Happy holidays’ anymore. Think of it as me saying ‘All holidays matter.’

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and NBC News logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump continued to question the legitimacy of Network News saying, “It’s frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.” Although, I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported “Hillary Clinton is next president.”

[Picture changes to Niger flag]

Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Ditka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I liked it. [Colin Jost laughing] Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who was critical of NFL player protest said in an interview that there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that he knows of. Oh, really, Mike? So you think your black players actually wanted to do this?

[Cut to a video of athletes singing in the show ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jamele Hill at right top corner.]

ESPN has suspended host Jamele Hill after she posted on twitter her opposition to Jerry Jones threatening to bench players who kneeled during the anthem. Worse, she will be replaced by– oh, no. Mike Ditka.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a logo of Oreo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [asking Michael Che] What’s that?

Michael Che: Go.

Colin Jost: Okay. Me. Go? Oreo has announced a new contest in which people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their mystery cream. Spoiler alert, the flavor is Gary. [Picture changes to a random white person] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Uh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong-Un. Though, all the plan says is, “Wait for diabetes.”

Weekend Update Harvey Weinstein’s Trial & Super Bowl LIV

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein using the walker.]

Colin Jost: Harvey Weinstein once again showed up to a court appearance using a walker. And then like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Super Bowl, San Francisco and Kansas city logos  at left top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Tomorrow, Super Bowl pit San Francisco versus Kansas city. Hey, just like the election. I don’t know why that’s sad.

[Picture changes to Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney]

Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly 40 years after they last fought. The fight will consist of 10 rounds of boxing and 80 bathroom breaks. It will be the first fight decided by the natural causes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Greece flag and Katerina Sakellaropoulou at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Greece has elected it’s first ever female president and of course the country is already [Picture changes to Parthenon structure] falling apart!

Michael Che: I liked it.

[Picture changes to Krispy Kreme doughnuts logo]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Krispy Kreme doughnuts announced that it’s opening a flagship store in Time Square. It’s perfect because every time I walk through Time Square, I step in something that can best be described as Krispy Kreme.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wild life experts in England say that an extremely obese owl has been put on a strict diet and has been released back into the wild. Unfortunately, it’s back on it’s old diet of just [picture changes to tootsie pops owl] tootsie pops.

[Picture changes to a heart shaped chocolate box and roses]

A hotel in Canada if offering couples a free night if they check-in on valentine’s day and conceive a baby during their stay. They’re hoping it will get fellas to stop aiming for the blankets. Well, I guess you don’t wanna know. The hotel’s name is the ‘Leave It INN’.

Weekend Update: Attorney Drops Harvey Weinstein | Season 44 Episode 10

Michael Che

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally googled Harvey Weinstein.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of red moon at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Sunday night will bring super blood wolf moon, which is rare lunar eclipse and not as I assumed, the name of the band [The picture changes to a band] that just performed on our show. [The picture changes to the Instagram famous egg] A picture of an egg has set a new record on Instagram as the most liked photo in history. Meanwhile, over on twitter, a picture of an egg just called me [Picture changes to a tweet that says ‘Colin Jost’s a jag-ass queef weasel] a jag-ass queef weasel.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of written Gillette at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: Gillette has released a new ad that addresses the issues of toxic masculinity which is great. I mean, [Picture changes to Colin Jost] Colin disagrees, but I love [Picture changes to a picture of written Gillette] when a company takes a firm social stance that literally nobody asked for. Like I remember one time [Picture changes to a tweet of flesh light] flesh light tweeted never forget on 9/11. And I was like, “Never forgot? When am I supposed to use this flesh light?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TV show ‘Made in Staten Island at the left top corner of the screen]

Colin Jost: Italian American groups are accusing MTV show Made in Staten Island of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show’s executive producer, [Picture changes to a chicken parmesan wearing a vest] a Chicken Parm in a wife beater. Yesterday was [Picture changes to Winnie the Pooh] Winnie the Pooh day. That’s a tough transition. Yesterday was Winnie the Pooh day. This according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants. [Picture changes to a watch] A woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid them inside her vagina. Officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking and kept on ticking.

[Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of lorry at the right top corner of the screen]

Michael Che: You thought we wouldn’t have a woman’s joke. A highway in Arizona was shut down after a tractor-trailer rolled over spilling 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate on the road. For reference, [Picture changes to Shaquille O’Neal] here’s what 40,000 gallons of liquid chocolate looks like.