Tag: Health

Weekend Update Guru Genesis Fry on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Genesis Fry… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. Here to help is meditation guru, Genesis Fry.

Genesis Fry: Hello, Colin. Join me, won’t you? On a guided meditation to the center of your mind.

Colin Jost: Oh, like right now?

Genesis Fry: Yes, Colin. Colin. Are you ready to meet Colin?

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t know. I’m scared.

Genesis Fry: Colin Take my hand. And close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Genesis Fry: I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. As usual fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen, you step outside and not a single ball flashes.

Colin Jost: Okay, that’s not tur.e

Genesis Fry: Shh. Relax, relax. Relax your arms. Relax your body. Relax your arms. Softer than I imagined. You get into your car without acknowledging your driver. He’s like a sub human creature to you.

Colin Jost: That’s not true.

Genesis Fry: What’s his name, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s- Let’s just focus on the meditation.

Genesis Fry: You get home and you rewatch tonight’s Update. 21 laughs for Michael, 4 for you. You’re improving, but it’s slow.

Colin Jost: Genesis, come on.

Genesis Fry: Shh. Colin, relax. Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am full of light.

Colin Jost: I am full of light.

Genesis Fry: Everything in my life…

Colin Jost: Everything in my life…

Genesis Fry: Was simply handed to me.

Colin Jost: I’m not saying that.

Genesis Fry: It’s okay, Colin. It’s natural to fight against to break through.

Colin Jost: Right.

Genesis Fry: Give me your hand.

Colin Jost: You’re already holding my hand.

Genesis Fry: I know. Well, it’s so soft. You’ve never done an honest day’s work in your life.

Colin Jost: No. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh, relax. Picture it, Colin. You’re in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about bilingual monologue.

Colin Jost: That would not upset me. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh. You’re so alone. The only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio.

Colin Jost: Who is Antonia?

Genesis Fry: Your driver, Colin. Now Sunday morning, picture it Colin. You’re standing in the NBC gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you.

Colin Jost: Sunday morning?

Genesis Fry: No one does. No one does. Finally, a man notices you. He runs up to you so excited, “Colin Jost! Colin Jost!” he says. And he serves you with court papers.

Colin Jost: Court papers?

Genesis Fry: It turns out someone does recognize you. 32 women to be exact.

Colin Jost: You’re making this up.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am a star.

Colin Jost: I am a star.

Genesis Fry: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Colin Jost: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Genesis Fry: You did it, Colin. Yes.

Colin Jost: Wow, I actually love that last quote. Did you just come up with that?

Genesis Fry: No, it’s a famous Hitler quote, Colin. And it’s your new quote too.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Alright. Hitler slash Colin? Genesis Fry, everyone.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Mental Health and the COVID-19 Pandemic

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC has announced that fully vaccinated Americans do not need to wear mask in most cases but many are still feeling anxiety and say they’re not ready to go fully mask-less yet. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hi buddy. Thank you, Colin. Thank you guys. Thank you. Please stop. Thank you very much. Okay. Well, you wouldn’t know this because your life’s perfect. But it’s mental health awareness month. [cheers and applause] Oh, no. It’s fine. And my therapist said it’s important to pack the self care which is why she stopped taking my calls. If there’s one good thing about the pandemic besides getting Chrissy Teigen out of our lives, it’s– I’m relieved. It’s that I was actually excited when I found out we had to wear masks because I figured this sounds really crappy but I figured less people would recognize me, but it didn’t work because everyone can still recognize me from my eyes. You see someone who looks like he just woke up and hasn’t slept in days, it’s me. I was already so anxious before the pandemic. My brain didn’t have room for something new to panic about. I can’t start being afraid public restrooms will give me covid when I was already afraid they would give me AIDS.

Colin Jost: You can’t get AIDS from a toilet.

Pete Davidson: Hey, AIDS is a lot like SNL. It’s still here, it’s just no one’s gotten excited about it since the 90s. Lorne actually wrote that.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: It was his joke. The pandemic made me feel like I wasn’t alone. A lot of people became afraid to have food delivered which I was already scared of because I was sure the delivery guy would see my name on the receipt and impregnate my sandwich.

Colin Jost: Is that really something you’re afraid of?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes. It used to be. That’s why I started ordering food under a new secret identity. I even got a new credit card with my new fake name.

Colin Jost: Yes. That’s actually my American Express card. It’s been missing for days.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I never felt safer. People love you, Colin. So much better than my Discover Plus.

Colin Jost: And do you have any advice for people who are afraid of returning to normal?

Pete Davidson: Yes. That if you’re vaccinated, it’s okay to relax. People aren’t getting the vaccine because they think it’s just Bill Gates trying to put microchip inside of you. But trust me, if he was that much of an evil genius, Linda would have signed a prenup.

Colin Jost: Someone really liked that. What would you say to all the people who don’t want to get vaccinated?

Pete Davidson: I think if you don’t want to get the shot, you don’t have to. We just need to make sure you don’t infect others. So, we should let all the anti-vax people live in one place and make their own weird laws and do whatever drugs they want, and alright, yeah, that’s Florida.

Colin Jost: Wouldn’t that be dangerous for all the retired people who live there?

Pete Davidson: Well, that’s the beauty part. Once the un-vaxed people are in Florida together, we airdrop a crate of oxycontin pills laced with the Pfizer vaccine on to a Jimmy Buffet concert. Problem solved.

Colin Jost: Not everyone in Florida does O-pills.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Well, we’ll also put it in the meth. The pandemic has taught me that we never really know what the future holds. And it’s also taught me to be grateful. And I’m very grateful to be here and it’s been an honor to grow up in front of you guys. So, thanks.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update Dr. Wenowdis on Trump’s Televised Health Exam

Colin Jost

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last night, president Trump received a medical evaluation on FOX News. Here to give his second opinion is Weekend Update’s resident medical expert, Dr. Wayne Wenowdis.

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis slides in] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Hello. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hello, Dr. Wayne Wenowdis. We know you’re highly respected in your field.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes, we know this.

Colin Jost: And thank you for helping us make sense of this because having a televised medical exam is highly unusual.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We do know this.

Colin Jost: Right. And on FOX, Trump answered some questions from a doctor.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: But he still won’t say if he’s had a negative test yet.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: This, we do not know this.

Colin Jost: So, he might technically still be contageous?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this.

Colin Jost: But he feels so good, he said, “I may be immune.”

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: [puts his feet on the table] What is this?

Colin Jost: And now, he’s holding rallies.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yeah, who does this? He do this. We know this. We hate this. He do this. We know this.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, Dr. Wenowdis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes.

Colin Jost: Are you saying “We know this”? Or are you just saying your last name?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh! Okay. ‘Wenowdis’ is Greek. In English, it translates to “We know this.” Like “We’re aware of this.”

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. I think I got it. Alright. So, is there a risk of Trump infecting more people now that he’s gone back to the White House?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Um-hmm. It’s very complicated. How can I say this so you can get it? A room have air, right? We know this. Everybody have a nose. We know this. Everybody’s face, it have a hole. Everybody get the virus. [bangs the table] We know this. Okay.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. We know this. Yeah. Now, Trump did say he’s gonna give the covid drug he got to everyone who needs it for free. Is that possible or true?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: No.

Colin Jost: I thought you were gonna say a little bit more. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis shakes his fingers gesturing no] Okay. Alright. Well, Trump is clearly itching to get back on the campaign trail and I’m just wondering, now he’s planning to hold a rally in Florida on Monday, is it safe for him to go to Florida?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, this, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. Because he still might be contageous?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: No. Just coz Florida seems like a freaky place.

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, thank you very much for stopping by, Dr. Wenowdis.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Oh, no, no, no. While I’m here, I’ll have to give you an exam.

Colin Jost: That’s okay.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I gotta take your blood pressure

Colin Jost: That’s okay, doctor. I’m in amazing shape.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Yes. We know this. But we’re gonna do it anyway.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Okay.

[Dr. Wayne Wenowdis puts the blood pressure measurer on Colin Jost.]

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: Blood pressure. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis presses the air blower of the measurer. But it makes the squeak toy noise.] Blood pressure. [Dr. Wayne Wenowdis puts the measurer on Colin Jost’s neck.] Blood pressure. Blood pressure.

Colin Jost: Kate, Kate. Are you okay?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I’m obviously not.

Colin Jost: What is going on?

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: I’m sorry. It’s such a crazy time. And this is something I started doing to cope. I have a lot of wigs and mustaches at my disposal. And it’s a nice way to escape. It’s refreshing to play a character who know this.

Colin Jost: Oh god. Okay.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: It’s like, I mean, who will win the election. We don’t know this. When will the pandemic end, this, we don’t know this. What will happen to the world, we do not know this. But Colin, [squeak toy noise] the one thing that we do know is that– No, we don’t know this.

Colin Jost: Well, listen. I know that it is very stressful. I know this is very hard right now. And I know that a lot of people are being very resilient about it. So, I know even though it doesn’t seem good, don’t worry, we can figure this out, we can do this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We can do what?

Colin Jost: We can do this.

Dr. Wayne Wenowdis: We know this. We know this.

Colin Jost: Dr. Wayne Wenowdis, everyone.