Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.]

[speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update TwinsTheNewTrend on Songs They’ve Never Heard Before

Michael Che

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s a new year and I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube and I saw these two young dudes react to Phil Collin’s “In The Air Tonight” for the first time. I was blown away by their positivity and the fact they’ve never heard “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collin. So, here to bring good vibes are TwinsTheNewTrend.

[Kenan and Chris slide in]

So, you two have a popular YouTube channel where you react to song you hear for the very first time like, “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Can’t Touch This” or “Jolene”.

Chris: Oh, Jolene! Dolly Parton. Off with that one, boy.

Kenan: Oh, man! It’s like a story. Jolene can take your man if she wants to.

Chris: Cut it out, Jolene. Stop.

Michael Che: And you two had never heard that song before that moment?

Chris: No. Was it popular?

Michael Che: Yes. Incredibly. Well, either way, I thought it would be fun to play some songs and hear your reaction for the first time.

Chris: No doubt.

Kenan: Let’s do this.

Michael Che: Alright. Here we go. Let’s play something.

[“I’ll be there for you” by The Rembrandts is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads and enjoying. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Chris: Yo, yo, yo. Hold on. Stop. They say, “Your life is DOA.” Like, dead or alive? It’s good to have options.

Kenan: Nah! I think he talking about Dua Lipa, yo!

Chris: Oh, with that guitar hitting, that was crazy.

Michael Che: You never heard that song before? It was a theme to one of the biggest TV shows of all time on NBC.

Chris: NBC? What’s that? STD or something?

Michael Che: Okay, never mind. Let’s keep going.

[“Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is playing. Kenan and Chris are rocking their bodies. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Hold up. Hold up. Stop. Ay! Baby shark is wild!

Chris: Yo, baby like du-du-du-du?

Kenan: Why is that baby shark by himself?

Chris: Yeah. Tada baby shark. Go home, baby.

Michael Che: So, that song has almost 8 billion views on YouTube and that’s the first time you ever heard of it?

Chris: Sure, but honestly, it’s the first time I’m hearing about baby sharks. Like, that’s crazy. I thought they were born full grown sharks.

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s try this one.

[Meow Mix commercial is playing. Kenan and Chris are dancing around. They’ve never heard it before.]

Chris: OH, hold on. No, they didn’t. No, they didn’t. Yo, no they didn’t do it.

Kenan: Yo! I didn’t even know that cats can get happy like that.

Chris: No, bro.

Kenan: They all sound sarcastic to me.

Chris: I’m not even a cat dude, but that was hot.

Michael Che: It’s also one of the most popular jiggles ever. It was a huge commercial.

Kenan: What’s a commercial? Like, a UFO?

Chris: Man!

Michael Che: I don’t know. Look, where have you guys been? Okay, try this.

[The nursery song of English alphabets “A-B-C…Z” is playing.]

Chris: Oh! Oh no!

Kenan: Hold up! Damn!

Chris: That’s so hot.

Kenan: Yo! I have never heard letters lined up before. That is crazy.

Chris: Yo, I wanna see how it ends, dawg.

Michael Che: With Z. It ends with Z.

Kenan: Oh, that’s fresh.

Chris: Yo, all can actually hear that.

Kenan: Word.

Michael Che: Hold on. Try this.

[SNL intro music is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads.]

Chris: Hm. I like this.

Kenan: That’s hot.

Chris: Oh, there’s a whole lot of saxophone. Like, too much, but I like it though.

Kenan: Yeah. Whoever is playing that sax on that song, he is like, playing sax.

Michael Che: TwinsTheNewTrend, everybody.

Chris: We’re going to be around for a long time.