So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.] [Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Blonde

Jackie… James Austin Johnson

Marilyn Monroe… Chloe Fineman

Devin… Brendan Gleeson

Agnes… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Netflix intro]

Male voice: This fall, Netflix released “Blonde”, an NC-17, no-holds-barred look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. Here’s a preview.

Jackie: Marilyn what’s the holdup? We’re about to shoot the big dance number.

Marilyn: I’m just gonna mess it up Jackie. It’s like I’m a slave to this Marilyn Monroe.

Jackie: Don’t say that, Marilyn. everybody loves you. And to cheer you up, I brought in Devin and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mails. Come on in ladies.

[Devin and Agnes walk in. Devin is a man with breasts.]

Agnes: Wow, Ms. Monroe, this is the most fan mail we’ve ever seen.

Devin: Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better.

Jackie: See Marilyn they love you.

Marilyn: And I do need the love daddy. All right, ladies. Let’s hear those letters.

Agnes: Okay. What do we got?

Devin: Yeah, here’s one. Let’s see now. Marilyn, you are the sweetheart of this every other month.

Marilyn: Even February? Shucks, I’m feeling better already.

Devin: Here’s another one. Marilyn I wish I was you.

Marilyn: Aww.

Agnes: My turn. Marilyn, you are a whore and no one will ever love you, you disgusting tramp. You’re poisoning our children. Not a fan.

Marilyn: That felt a little long and mean.

Jackie: Oh, that one musta gotten mixed up in the mail.

Devin: Oh, here’s a good one. Marilyn you are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. Your to sweetheart, sweetheart. Love from Louisville.

Marilyn: I love you too Louisville. Gee, I think I’m ready to start that dance.

Agnes: Marilyn, you dumb baboon, your brain is in your button, I’d like to kick it. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Ouchie.

Jackie: What the hell was that?

Marilyn: Maybe we could screen these little or if they get really mean, I don’t know, bail?

Agnes: Well, it’s hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and then mean.

Devin: And some of them start mean and then nice.

Agnes: And then some of them start mean and just end.

Marilyn: Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?

Devin: A Sure. Here’s one, Ms. Monroe.

Marilyn: You sure it’s all nice?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: You read the whole thing?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Talk to friends side to side?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Alright, go ahead.

Devin: Marilyn, you are a whore.

Jackie: Here’s an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead?

Agnes: You got it? Marilyn you were born a flower and you will die a flower.

Devin: You’re a dirty flower and your mother was a flower too.

Agnes: Oh, wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I’m also a flower. Now not a fan.

Marilyn: God, everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe. I should have stayed Norma Jean.

Agnes: Oh, well, this one’s addressed your Norma Jean.

Marilyn: Really? Only one person in the world calls me that.

Agnes: Norma Jean. It’s your dad. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Okay. Maybe we don’t read any of it that say not a fan at the end?

Devin: Well, this one says Not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay?

Marilyn: No. I’m sorry. Who are you two again?

Devin: Well, we’re your fan mail readers.

Marilyn: And that’s your whole job?

Agnes: Well, we’re also veers for some of the gay stars. But we can’t say which, Rock Hudson.

Marilyn: Okay. I think I’m ready to be done with these old women, please.

Agnes: Oh, no. Just just give us one more chance.

Devin: Yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it’s a drawing. [it’s a drawing made by a kid of a woman inside jail]

Marilyn: What is that?

Agnes: It’s you in jail for being a whore.

Jackie: All right, enough of this nonsense. Ladies, you’re fired. Let me see those letters. [Jackie is looking at the letters] Here’s one that really says  really says what the public feels about you. “Marilyn, you’re a genius and an icon. Now, go dance your heart out.”

Marilyn: Jackie, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe letters really are a girl’s best friend.

[Marilyn feels really happy and goes to dance]

Devin: Did it really say that?

Jackie: Who knows? I can’t read.

Rooftop Bar

Miles Teller

Mikey day

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Tyler and Chodecork in a rooftop bar]

Tyler: Hell yeah, cloud bars hopping tonight.

Chodecork: Hell yeah. it’s gonna be a good night, dude.

Tyler: Damn right. Deserve it. I crushed work today.

Chodecork: Yes.

Tyler: God damn, I love day trading bro. I live for it.

Chodecork: Heard dude, I stand day trading bro.

Tyler: Yo, not gonna lie, girls in here tonight, decent. Lot of talent in the room this eve. Going to get my flirt on them, I squirt on, you feel me?

Chodecork: Yes, dude. Yo, lately I’ve been into like flat ass, flat chest, tiny teeth.

Tyler: Okay, yeah, not as much into the tiny teeth thing as much, but you know, I’m just looking for a cutie to make a mess with, you know? Yo, honey alert. Let’s close these two finies.

Chodecork: Oh, hell yeah. Charm never did no harm.

[Chloe and Ego walk in. They just sit beside Tyler and Chodecork. But now, Tyler and Chodecork aren’t able to speak a word.]

Chodecork: Getting drunk?

Chloe: Sorry?

Chodecork: [speaking weirdly] You guys getting drinks?

Chloe: Oh, drinks. Yeah.

Chodecork: Cool. Cool. [in ridiculous voice] Alcohol! [pokes her twice] Boop, boop. Sorry. Yeah, I love alcohol.

Tyler: [to Ego] I work in Finance.

Ego: Okay, cool. Excuse me, bartender.

5: Yeah, what do you need sweetie?

Ego: I can I get a Stella?

Tyler: Stella! Ha-ha.

Chloe: And can I get a vodka cran?

Chodecork: Ooh, cranberry. Oh-oh. UTI?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Chodecork: I don’t know. That was weird. [singing] Why am I talking like this? Put these fair maids drinks on mine tab, good miss.

Ego: You don’t have to do that.

Chodecork: Yes. With your finest top shelf liquor.

5: Okay, top shelf has a $90 up charge. That okay?

Chodecork: [high pitched voice] Oh, why so much? [deep voice] Why so serious? Batman. No, we chilling. Um, how much is the liquor three shelves down from the top?

5: All right. Let’s just do Stella. You gotta a tab?

Chodecork: Yeah, name is Nick Chodecork.

5: You got to speak up, hun.

Chodecork: Nick Chodecork. It’s a VMA debit.

5: Okay, Chodecork? Got it.

Tyler: So you guys are friends?

Chloe and Ego: Yeah.

Tyler: Black and white? Hell yeah. I’ll clap for that.

Chodecork: Yeah. So, let’s chat. Did you guys buy your clothes at a store or online?

Chloe: Store.

Ego: Store as well.

Tyler: We all like stores. Yeah.

Ego: I mean, it depends on which one. Is she almost back with the drinks?

Tyler: Depends on which one. Okay, very cool. You like some stores, you like other stores? You’re like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Might not go in there.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe: I mean, yeah.

Tyler: Yeah, that’s interesting. Very, very cool. Stores, yeah. Whoo!

5: Chodecork, your card was declined.

Chodecork: Please run it again.

Tyler: What are y’all streaming? Y’all watch Stranger Things?

Ego: If you’re asking if I watch Stranger Things, then yes, I do.

Tyler: Yes. I’m running on back gear. [singing]

Chodecork: [pointing at Chloe’s breasts] Boobies. I’m sorry. [singing] Why did I do that?

Tyler: I work in Finance.

Ego: Yeah. You said that?

Tyler: Ha-ha-ha-ha. You guys would like come over to our apartment?

Ego: Wait, you’re roommates? You guys are like, 40.

Tyler: Yeah. Good one.

Chloe: Let’s just got to the patio bar. Nice talking.

Chodecork: Yeah.

Chloe and Ego: Bye.

Chodecork: Yeah. [Chloe and Ego leave] Yo, how did that happen, bro? Your game was on point.

Tyler: I know dude, right? Like I’m in a mad dry spell right now. No joke. It’s been 11 years since I did it. But like on purpose, you know?

Chodecork: Yeah. I mean, I’ve never done it. So I mean, I guess the last time was like, I’ve been waiting my whole life I guess. I don’t know. Should I just like give up?

Tyler: No. Let’s do a lap.

Chodecork: Yeah, most that.

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli] [cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Charmin Bears

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Daughter… Punkie Johnson

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Son… Myles Teller

William… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]

Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.

Mom: Honey, everything okay?

[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]

Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch

All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!

Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.

Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.

Mom: Amen.

Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?

Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.

Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?

Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.

Mom: Oh my god. What?

Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.

Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.

Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.

Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.

Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.

Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.

Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,

Mom: Keith, relax.

Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!

Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.

Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?

Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?

Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.

Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.

Dad: You are not my son.

Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.

Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.

Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?

Son: But what about what I want?

Mom: Well, what is it?

Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.

Dad: We danced at the beginning.

Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?

Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.

Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?

[William walks in]

William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.

Daughter: That’s our kitchen.

William: Then you have my apologies.

Dad: Who is this?

Son: I met him in dance class.

Dad: What?

William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.

Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.

Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.

Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.

William:  Hey, don’t be.

[They start doing the TikTok dances]

Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Mom: Honey, you’re crying.

Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!

Caribbean Queens

Trinity Summers… Ego Nwodim

Deseret Wingo… Heidi Gardner

Leah… Punkie Johnson

Gordy… Myles Teller

Brock… Kenan Thompson

Frank… Devon Walker

[Starts with Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo dancing and drinking cocktails in a bar] [music playing]

Both: Hello. We’re moving. We’re moving. We’re moving.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, welcome to Caribbean Queens.

Trinity Summers: My name is Trinity Summers.

Deseret Wingo: And I am Deseret Wingo. And we are coming to you live…

Trinity Summers: And hungover…

Deseret Wingo: From Grabbers Resort and Spa where the party never stops.

Trinity Summers: You know, we met on Spirit Airlines on the way over. Yeah, we came over here for a week long vacation but we’ve been here for five amazing months. We’re doing a little eating, zero praying and a whole lot of loving.

Deseret Wingo: Plus, you know what? It’s off peak, which means there’s no sun, but there’s also no women younger than us.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, we’re bragging. Yes we are. Okay, now play our song.

[music playing]

Now our theme song is of course by the greatest Musician of the last Deseret Wingo00 years, Mr. Billy Ocean.

Deseret Wingo: No man sing so good, they named the ocean after him. Which brings us to the first segment of every show, Google if Billy Ocean is still married.

[Trinity Summers and Deseret Wingo start googling]

Trinity Summers: Ah, he is.

Deseret Wingo: Still?

Trinity Summers: That bitch.

Deseret Wingo: Well, bless their love, and that means I need a drink. Please welcome our favorite bartender, Lisa.

Trinity Summers: Hey, Lisa.

[Gordy walks in with drinks]

Leah: Hey, my name is Leah. But that’s okay.

Trinity Summers: We love her.

Deseret Wingo: We’re so close.

Trinity Summers: We’re like family.

Deseret Wingo: We don’t even tip her.

Leah: But you could.

Deseret Wingo: Now our next segment is what we got up to this week?

Trinity Summers: We went parasailing, shorts fell off. Jet skiing, shorts fell off. Breakfast bar, you know our shorts fell off.

Deseret Wingo: All right. Well, our guest today, as always, are some hunky guys we met last night that we’re now going to speak to in the light of day.

Trinity Summers: That’s right. We’re gonna see if the sparks are still sparking. Come on out Gordy and Brock.

[Gordy and Brock walk in sipping cocktails]

Gordy: Hey ladies, looking good.

Brock: Yeah, looking well lit but still good.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, so you remember us?

Brock: Yeah, we do. I just don’t remember if it was like fun or like “Oh-oh!”

Trinity Summers: It was both.

Deseret Wingo: Little bit of both. So we want to know more about you. You said last night you were a sports agent.

Brock: I sell catheters.

Deseret Wingo: Well, hook a girl up.

Trinity Summers: And I’m trying to remember what you said your job was? Lawyer.

Gordy: White rapper.

Trinity Summers: Oh, okay. I love white rap.

Gordy: Well, I do rap and reggae too. I go by Swaggy, that’s White Swaggy. [singing Shaggy’s verse] Life is one big party when you’re still young

Trinity Summers: Okay, I’m ready to go. I’m ready to go.

Deseret Wingo: Yeah, I’m poppin, okay? So all right, it’s time for the final vibe check. Let’s see if the vibes are still vibin.

[music starts playing. They start dancing]

Deseret Wingo: Okay, this is nice. Oh, get it a little closer to me. Oh, Trinity, my guys got a hardy.

Brock: No. No, I don’t.

Trinity Summers: Well, let me just check mine. Okay, he’s growing, all right. It’s getting there.

Gordy: Oh, my bad.

Trinity Summers: No, baby. It’s a good thing.

Trinity Summers: Okay.

Deseret Wingo: Oh, I think we’ve got to wrap this show up before shorts fall off?

Leah: Oh, get it ladies. You two are the proudest, oldest skanks I’ve ever seen.

Trinity Summers: We love you too.

Deseret Wingo: Okay, now play us out Billy’s little brother Frank Ocean is here.

Trinity Summers: Yeah, give it to us, Frank.

Frank: Yo, I keep telling you, we are not related.

Trinity Summers: Oh, come on. Just get over here and sing the damn song.

[everyone start singing]

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.] [speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Chain Gang

Tommy… Benedict Cumberbatch

Warden… Alex Moffat

Lenny… Kyle Mooney

Mary… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four men working in prison]

Chris: Lord, it’s hot.

Kenan: Georgia July is hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch.

James: And don’t the warden know it?

Warden: Alright boys, back to work now. These rocks, they ain’t gonna break themselves. And get happy now. I want to see some smiles.

[music playing]

Chris: I was born on a farm on a moonless night
mama never taught me wrong from right
now I’m doing time in Georgia

All: Now I’m doing time in Georgia 

Chris: Long time in Georgia

All: Long time in Georgia

Chris: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free, yeah.

James: Now the good book said be a righteous man
but the devil pulled me down and away we ran
So they locked me up in town

All: Locked me up in town

James: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

James: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

Take it Tommy.

Tommy: If you see something bad, you know I’m gonna tell
that’s why they put me in a better prison cell
because I snitch to the warden

All: Snitch to the warden

Tommy: Snitching to the warden

All: Snitching to the warden

Tommy: Oh, lord, prison’s not so bad.

James: Wait, Tom, did you just say you were snitching to the warden?

Tommy: Yeah, that’s the way the old prison song goes.

Kenan: Nope.

Chris: You getting special treatment here, Tom?

Tommy: No, just singing to pass the time. Whoo-wee, it’s hot. [pulls out a fancy drink]

Chris: Where did you get that fancy drink?

Tommy: You fellas didn’t get one?

Kenan: I did not.

[dogs barking]

James: Hey, what’s going on?

Chris: Oh, hell, they caught Lenny!

Warden: Well, well, well. Look who we found hiding in the storm drain down by the highway.

Lenny: But it’s impossible. How did you find me?

Mikey: Let’s just say a little birdie told us your plan. On an unrelated note. Tom, here is a cherry pie.

Tommy: Cherry pie? Mmm-mmm.

Warden: And as for you, Lenny, you know what we do with escapees. But them in the box!

Lenny: No. No, no.

Kenan: You animals. You lousy animals.

James: He’s a good man. Don’t put him in the box.

Tommy: Okay, just put them in the box for a couple of days. You guys know best.

Warden:  All right, show’s over now boys. Now, unless you got a pie in your hands, get back to work.

Kenan: When I dream at night, that’s the only time I’m free
I wake up every morning in a penitentiary
Now I’m doing 10 to 20

All: Doing 10 to 20.

Kenan: Working for the county

All: Working for the county

Kenan: I’ll be in chains till the good lord sets me free

All: Lord sets me free

Tommy: If you tell me a secret I’ll pass them along
You’ll be in the box while I’m singing this song
made a deal with the warden

All: Deal with the warden

Tommy: I’ll tell him all your secrets

All: Tell him all your secrets

Tommy: Every time I snitch they bring me a big cherry pie

Kenan: Shh, here comes the warden’s wife.

James: Ma’am.

Kenan: Ma’am.

Chris: Ma’am.

Tommy: Ma’am.

Warden: Wow, if it isn’t my lovely wife, Mary. What do you do in here woman?

Mary: Oh, I was just passing by my way into town. Figured I take a gander at all these bad, bad boys. This one looks especially naughty. Are you naughty boy?

Tommy: Yes ma’am. Very naughty ma’am.

Mary: Looks like you missed a bit of cherry pie.

Tommy: Thank you kindly. It’s not like me to waste a good bit of cherry pie.

[Mary laughing and flirting with Tommy]

Chris: What the hell?

Warden: Alright, Mary. I know you got some shopping to do.

Mary: Bye boys. See you later.

Warden: Well, that’s enough yapping for one day. Back to work all of you.

Tommy: Now, I can’t complain about my life
I get to sleep with the warden’s wife

sleeping with the warden’s wife

All: Sleeping with the warden’s wife

Tommy: Sleeping with his pretty wife

All: Sleeping with his pretty wife

Warden: He watches from the closet smiling in the dark

Mikey: Warden, I do believe Tom is sleeping with your wife.

Warden: Yeah, I know. I can’t please her myself. Best to let her be happy.

All: Let her be happy, let her be happy
Let her be happy, let her be happy

Blue Bunny

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Jacob… Jacob Thompson

Lisa… Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby… Heidi Gardner

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Ego and Mikey starting the focus group conversation.]

Ego: Okay cutie pies, we’re ready to get started.

Mikey: Well, it’ll be a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need but it’s all good. Hi gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

Ego: We are from Blue Bunny ice cream and we’ve got some new products that we’d love your feedback on.

Keman: Like bomb pops?

Ego:  No, sir. No bomb pops today.

Lisa: Oh, I love bomb pops

Mikey: Again no B pops, but I do think you’ll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

Ben: No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream. Not to hear jokes about it. Can we get to taste it?

Mikey: Okay, I’m sorry.

Bobby: Hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. It’s their dance, not yours.

Ego: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you two know each other?

Ben: No, ma’am. Just here to try some ice cream, get my check and be on my way.

Bobby: Same here. Same here. Came in a stranger, I’ll leave one as well.

Mikey: Okay, very fun. Well, the first flavor we’re going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream. [Ego passes ice cream to the others] So give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? What do you think?

Jacob: Oh wow, this delicious.

Ego: Great. Okay, what about you Lisa?

Lisa: Tastes a little wet but yummy.

Ego: Noted at. Bobby what do you think?

Bobby: You know what this tastes like? You remember when you were a kid and you’d be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? And Pappy’d call you to wash up because nana spent the last three hours churning? That woman would churn till she whipped. The blood from her palms, legs in the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Okay, thank you. Very descriptive.

Ben: You’re trying to make a grown man weak, miss?

Bobby: No, I’m just eating ice cream, sir.

Ego: Okay, what about you mutton? What do you think of the peanut brittle pie?

Ben: How do I say this? Remember when you’d be down by the pond all day with your hands cut? Trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It mean nothing today but back then, hell, that tad was king crab. And then Scooter’s mama, the one with a pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl rocky road. Didn’t matter the flavor though. It was just beautiful mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. This tastes like that.

Mikey: Okay, so it tastes like Scooter’s mama. Writing that down?

Bobby: You’re seeing things, haven’t you?

Ben: Hah! Only ice cream, miss.

Jacob: Hey, I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

Mikey: No. Yeah, guys, we’re not really looking to taste memories of the dustbowl here.

Bobby: Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

Ben: She’s right, I can taste generations of women in it.

Mikey: Okay, I will not be writing that down.

Ego: How about this one? Galactic mint frost. [Ego passes another ice cream to all] Why don’t you guys give that one a taste?

Mikey:  Yeah, Bobby? You tasting that fresh mint in there?

Bobby: No. Taste more like wind. But like the wind when you hadn’t quite reached five feet tall. When back then would knock you right into the neighbor. The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw em’ both. So you’d sit with him on his porch, watch the world go by. Right as the sun went down, he’d hand you a bowl of cream. Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls has died. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Ben: Who hurt you?

Ego: Why? You’re looking to save someone tonight?

Ben: Maybe.

Ego: Eat your ice cream.

Mikey: I’m sorry, what is happening?

Ben: I know what I taste?

Ego: Yes≤ but in, like, six words this time.

Ben: Fine. Remember 4th of July.

Mikey: Okay, please stop.

Ben: The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother’s hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. Never did find him. Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. Nothing too fancy on the night brother disappeared. This is that. This tastes like that.

Bobby: Dammit! I can’t take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. Let let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: You want a nap with my hurt

Bobby: I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: Go saying something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

Mikey: All right. Well, thanks for coming out everybody.

[Ben and Bobby walk up to and hold each other]

Ben: Hear me now. I will always come for you.

Bobby: What took you so long?

[Cut to their picture holding each other]

Male voice: Blue bunny ice cream, let me nap with your hurt.