Tag: Heidi Gardner

Matt Schatt Game Show

Ted Connelly… Kenan Thompson

Beth… Heidi Gardner

Rob… Devon Walker

Carmen… Ana de Armas

Matt… Mikey Day

Male voice: Two teams, $1 million, here in “The Dome.”

Ted: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Ted Connelly and this is “The Dome.” Now let’s meet the teams vying for a chance at the $1 million prize. Team one, introduce yourselves.

Beth: Hi, I’m Beth and this is my brother-in-law, Rob.

Ted: Oh, proof that in laws can get along. We’re having fun. Okay. Who do we have on Team two?

Carmen: I’m Carmen and this is my husband, Matt.

Ted: All right. Carmen and her cousin Matt. Okay.

Carmen: No, no. Matt’s my husband.

Ted: I’m sorry. I have a bad ear for accents. Sounds like you say that Matt’s your husband?

Carmen: I did. We’re married.

Ted: To each other?

Matt: Yapa-roni.

Ted: Okay, so let me just- Let me just clarify what’s going on here. So you who are you, are married to he was him?

Matt: Yep, we are Mr. and Mrs. Matthew Patrick Shatt.

Ted: Your name is Matt Pat Shat?

Matt: Yes, sir. Is that okay?

Ted: Not really. Now, I gotta ask why are you on the show when you are obviously extremely wealthy?

Matt: Oh, no, I am not wealthy.

Ted: But then why is she with you?

Carmen: Isn’t it obvious?

Ted: [yelling] No. Oh man, I gotta calm down. I got to calm down. Okay, so you’re not- If you’re not rich, what do you do for a living?

Carmen: I dance with San Francisco Ballet. And Matt works in the food industry.

Ted: Also your chef?

Matt: o, I’m a taste tester at Purina dog Chow.

Carmen: He tries new dog foods to tell them if it’s too like, spicy, you know? Because the dogs can’t talk.

Ted: So, you eat dog food for money?

Matt: Someday, hopefully. It’s volunteer right now. But fingers crossed, it turns into a paid gig soon.

Ted: You eat the dog food for free? Oh my god. I can’t even believe it. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I mean, this dude obviously got the baddest bitch I’ve ever seen. What is happening. Sorry, but I just had a stroke. Okay. All right. Let’s get back to it. I’m just trying to figure out how this absolute dime is married to match it. Oh, Beth, you got an answer?

Beth: I think I do. He obviously gave her a kidney and saved her life.

Carmen: He didn’t give me a kidney.

Ted: Oh, Rob, chance to steal.

Rob: He’s a hanging 8 but a standing 12?

Carmen: What? No. And FYI, he’s hanging 5 and standing 4.

Ted: So when he gets excited, it gets smaller?

Matt: Yeah. Just one of those things.

Ted: Yeah, that’s right. I’m buzzing in on this one. Here’s what I think. She hypnotized.

Carmen: You’re all sounding crazy. Look at my husband. I think it’s obvious why I’m with him.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Ted: No. The judges say no.

Matt: Sorry. Can we play the game now? Or?

Ted: Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. I’m sorry. Matt and Carmen, you won the coin toss backstage. So the first question goes to you.

Matt: Oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m like already sweating. One second. [Pulls his shirt up to wipe his sweat. He’s got multiple nipples on his body.]

Ted: Please zoom in on this. What in the heck? Matt Pat Shat got a group of nipples. Now, Look at all these. Eww.

Matt: Don’t. Yeah, every couple of years, a new one pops up. Just another one of those things.

Carmen: Baby, just put your shirt down. I’m gonna get too excited.

Ted: But why though? I don’t understand it. Let’s just take a break while I have another stroke. We’ll be back right after this. Because I don’t understand what is going on. I mean, she bad. She bad.

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

American Girl Doll Movie Trailer

Molly… Molly Sherman

Kirsten… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Chloe Fineman

Hosofina… Ana de Armas

Addy… Ego Nwodim

Kit… Molly Kearney

Male voice: People can’t stop talking about the trailer for the new Barbie movie. But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girl.

Molly: Hi Kirsten.

Kirsten: Hi Molly.

Kit: Hi Samantha.

Samantha: Hi Hosofina.

Hosofina: Hi Kit.

Addy: And I’m Addy. No one said hi to me.

Male voice: This summer, a new live action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls. Each with their own harrowing backstory.

Samantha: I’m a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watched my parents die in a boat.

Kirsten: That’s okay. My best friend Marta died of cholera.

Kit: That’s okay. My dad is a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses.

Hosofina: That’s okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard.

Addy: That’s okay. I don’t know my birthday because I’m a runaway slave.

[silence]

Hosofina: Let’s play.

All: Yay!

Male voice: Do they have pink Corvettes? No! Boyfriends? No way. Did all their family members die of vague old timey diseases? Absolutely.

Kit: Fashion Show!

Male voice: Come for the fun. Stay for the overburdened preteens wearing four layers of Petticoats and pantaloons.

Samantha: What’s wrong, Hosofina? You’ve barely touched your tea.

Hosofina: The memory of my Mama is slipping away.

Molly: Look what I can do. [coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to Molly being covered by white sheet because she’s dead]

Kirsten: That’s okay.

All: Yeah. That’s okay.

Kirsten: Audiences are raving. “We loved it,” says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times write “These little girls are going through too much.”

Kirsten: What do you say girls? Should we have a sleepover tonight?

All: Yay.

Kirsten: What about you Addy?

Addy: I’m good. I don’t trust none of y’all.

Male voice: Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.

Kit: I’m going to stop World War II.

Hosofina: And I’m going to stop the Spanish American War.

Kirsten: And I’m going to end cholera.

[Now Kirsten coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to they throw away a dead body out of a carriage]

All: That’s okay.

The Play

Sophie Lespazio… Heidi Gardner

Brian… Devon Walker

Brian: Wow, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I am so proud.

Sophie: Thanks, Brian.

Michael: I’m so sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Sophie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet. God, this is my first play that’s actually about my life. I’m nervous, Brian.

Brian: Hey, don’t be. Everybody’s gonna love it.

[applause]

[Molly playing Sophie Lespazio]

Molly: Sophie Lespazio, what’s happening? It’s your wedding day. And everyone’s expecting you to say I do. But do you? Or for once would you rather do you? [ha-ha-ha] Girl you don’t love his sorry ass.

Sophie: God this actress, she’s amazing.

Brian: Whoa, you almost got married. Okay. I’m surprised that never came up.

Molly: You’re gonna live your true Sophie Lespazio. You’re going to leave this chump and you’re going to have a year 1000 men. And so I did. I dated 1000 men in one year. And that’s when everything changed.

Brian: Did she say 1000 That’s more than two a day.

Sophie: Shh, it gets explained.

Molly: Who did I date? You ask? Everyone from finance bros with perfect abs to Brooklyn artists with uncut dongs. And the left I wanted them, the more they wanted me. I was pulled in all directions.

Men: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.

Marcello: I wanna get drunk on your fumes.

Bowen: I don’t wanna use a condom.

Molly: Fine by me.

Brian: Hey, I think I’m gonna head out.

Sophie: Babe, don’t. Look, it’s loosely based on my life. It’s not all true.

Molly: All of this is true. As God is my witness, there have been no embellishments. About 998 bangs later, I was still feeling totally unfulfilled. But all of that was about to change because I met the one.

Brian: Okay, that’s sweet I guess.

Molly: My ex, Trevor, the one that got away.

Trevor: Hey, babe. I hope you didn’t mind being on TV while we sat courtside at the Lakers game?

Molly: No, that’s okay. I know all those guys anyway.

Brian: What? The Lakers?

Molly: But then I found out an ugly truth about him.

Trevor: Doctors told me I have a condition, or anytime you climax in the future, it’s still because of me.

Molly: And then he broke up with me. He moved to Anaheim to pursue his dream of running social media for Grub Hub. So the next day, I went to a bowling alley to get sloppy drunk when some guy approached me.

[Kenan acting as Brian, portraying him as very dorky person]

Kenan: Hello, I am Brian. Would you like to go out?

Molly: Whatever, I guess.

Brian: Oh my god.

Kenan: Well, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I’m so proud. High-five. Nobody? Okay.

Molly: And after four weeks of dating, I couldn’t hold him off anymore. I had to buck up and finally have sex with him. Urgh.

Kenan: As they say that, the first time for everything.

Molly: It was one of the most painfully bland experiences of my life. And there it was. I had reached by 1000th man. It was time to officially settle in until I met someone who would change my life.

Andrew: Sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Molly: I met Mr. 1001.

Brian: Wait, is that the guy from five minutes ago. [Sophie is kissing Michael] Oh, come on!

Pregnant Co-Worker

Susie… Molly Shannon

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Jim… Kenan Thompson

Kennedy… Sarah Sherman

Marcello… Evan

[Starts with coworkers giving a gift to a pregnant coworker]

Susie: Oh my god, a waffle maker. That is so nice, Jackie.

Jackie: Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl.

Susie: That’s so sweet, I could cry.

Kennedy: We’re just so happy for you, Susie.

Andrew: Yeah, and we’re really gonna miss you.

Susie: Well, I’ll be back in a few months. Unless Jim fires me. [laughing]

Jim: Oh, come on now, I wouldn’t do that. That would be super illegal.

Susie: And hey, even though I’m starting maternity leave, I’m sure you’ll all be seeing plenty of me.

Bowen: I hope so. After all, I’m the godfather. I’ll make an offer you can’t resist. Still working on the impression.

Kennedy: I just can’t get over how beautiful you look.

Susie: Thank you, Kennedy. Honestly, I’ve actually never felt better. My nails are strong. My skin looks great. I’m just glowing. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.

Jackie: That is so inspiring.

Susie: Well, I’ll leave you guys with this saying that I found on brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I’m feeling right now. It’s so beautiful. [reading from a paper] “A mother always has to think twice. Once for herself and once for her child.” That just absolutely nails and maternal feeling surging through my body. Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. [Bends to grab the waffle maker, but then farts very long and loud.] God dammit, not again. How many freaking times is this gonna happen to me?

Jim: I’m sorry, was that-

Susie: A fart? Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. Are you happy?

Jim: No. Definitely wouldn’t say happy.

Kennedy: So it was-

Susie: Not a baby, just gas. Yeah, Kennedy obviously. Guess you could have your waffle maker back. I can’t make Sunday morning waffles for a fart.

Jackie: Just keep it. I’m too embarrassed to explain why I’m returning it.

Susie: Dammit, I’ve been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin month. I’m so stupid. [farts while sitting]

Andrew: Oh, smells like maybe it was twins. [giggling]

Jackie: Did you go to a doctor?

Susie: What kind of a doctor, Jackie? A fart doctor? Don’t taunt me. Whatever, at least I still get six months maternity leave.

Jim: You definitely do not. You forfeited your maternity leave when you’re stunk up the office.

Andrew: So Susie, this has happened more than once? [Susie is showing four fingers] Four times?

Bowen: How is that even possible, Sisie?

Susie: Oh my god.

Jackie: What?

Susie: I just remembered something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat. And then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died.

Jackie: That was this morning?

Susie: Whatever. Well the good news is I can start drinking again.

Jim: You do know you have work, right?

Evan: Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria.

Susie: Oh, thank you so much, Evan.

Jackie: What did you get?

Susie: Oh, I get the same thing every day. I get cat fish sliders. [starts eating] Umm, it is really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way. [Susie stomach gets bigger instantly]

Jackie: Susie, look at your stomach.

Susie: Oh my god. It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: It’s a miracle.

Jim: No.

Susie: Guys, I have some really exciting news. I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant again. Well there’s no need to take a pregnancy test. Call it a mother’s intuition I really think it’d be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me.

Kennedy: You’re not pregnant, Susie. It’s just gas from you’re hungry ass pounding cat fish sliders at 11 AM.

Susie: Look Kennedy, I know you’re a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn’t possibly understand how- [starts farting again] Oh my god. No. How much suffering can one mother bear? Whatever. At least I can smoke again.

Bowen: No, wait Susie, don’t light that cigar!

[As Susie lights the lighter, the office explodes with all the gas that she farted.]

Midwife

Mrs. Murphy… Heidi Gardner

Barry… Bowen Yang

Dr. Rogers… Quinta Brunson

Mrs. Alison… Chloe Fineman

Dr. Rogers: Okay, Mrs. Murphy your contractions are 30 seconds apart. This baby is coming.

Mrs. Murphy: But I’m not due for another two weeks.

Dr. Rogers: Don’t worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it’s scary but listen to me and breathe.

Mrs. Murphy: What about my midwife?

Ego: He’s on his way. Okay.

Mrs. Murphy: Thank god, we had planned for an at home birth. I need him here.

Dr. Rogers: Deep breath, Mrs. Murphy.

Barry: Excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path. I’m the midwife.

Mrs. Murphy: Barry, Thank God. Dr. Rogers. This is my midwife, Barry.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, Barry.

Barry: Actually, we’ve met.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course then it’s nice to see you. Okay, so she’s already dilated 10 centimetercm. We need to move fast.

Barry: Do you remember meeting me? It’s not a test. I’m just curious. I’m genuinely curious.

Dr. Rogers: Okay, she’s crowning.

Mrs. Murphy: I feel like I’m gonna faint.

Barry: Here honey, sip this sweet ginger kombucha. We met at Danielle’s barbecue.

Ego: Can you just please ask her about this later?

Barry: No, for sure. For sure. But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert.

Dr. Rogers: Macklemore? So what we met like in 2012 one time? Okay, Barry. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now.

Barry: Oh, really? Then how come while you were being defensive I was delivering this baby?

[Three years later]

Dr. Rogers: Push, Mrs. Alison. Push.

Mrs. Alison: Ah! Is my midwife here yet?

Barry: Clear path, clear path? That’s Barry, the midwife.

Mrs. Alison: That’s him. Thank god.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, Barry. It’s nice to see you again.

Barry: Again? Oh, have we met?

Dr. Rogers: Are you serious?

Barry: Yeah. I’ve never seen it before in my life.

Dr. Rogers: I promise you have we met at this hospital in this exact room.

Barry: Okay, what is the purpose of this? To embarrass me? We’ve never met. Girl, respect yourself.

Mrs. Alison: What’s going on?

Ego: Don’t worry. I’ll explain. So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago she didn’t remember meeting him at a barbecue.

Dr. Rogers: Yes. Before Macklemore concert.

Barry: Macklemore? So we met like in 2012 one time? Throwback. You really remember me? I’m curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby.

[14 years earlier]

Dr. Rogers: Thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master Acker.

Danielle: No problem. I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later.

Dr. Rogers: I can’t. I have work. That’s why I’m dressed like this.

Barry: Clear path, clear path for Barry the hungry midwife.

Dr. Rogers: Hi,, I’m Jill. Nice to meet you.

Barry: It’s nice to meet you, too. Wow. I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to do long.

Dr. Rogers: Really? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you again in the future.

Barry: Ha-ha, is that a threat?

[17 years after the barbecue and Macklemore concert]

Dr. Rogers: Mrs. Murphy, long Time no see. I can’t believe this is baby number two.

Mrs. Murphy: I know life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. You guys remember each other, right?

Barry: Actually, we do. I’m so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn’t remember me. And it made me so furious.

Dr. Rogers: I’m sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn’t remember you. It made me feel embarrassed.

Barry: Are you serious? I was pretty emotional jerk.

Jeff: Oh my god. Did we miss it? Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter Kayla. You delivered her.

Dr. Rogers: Hi, Kayla.

Barry: Nice to meet you.

Kayla: Actually, we’ve met.

Barry and Dr. Rogers: Well then, it’s nice to see you, okay?

Bridesmaid Cult Documentary

Dr. Greg Lawrence… James Austin Johnson

Riley Dibiase Lowell… Heidi Gardner

Brittany Reynolds… Ego Nwodim

Naomi Daniels… Quinta Brunson

Josh Chan-Moy… Bowen Yang

Riley Dibiase… Sarah Sherman

Vanessa Cutchin… Punkie Johnson

Michelle… Molly Kearney

Riley Dibiase Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep.

Brittany Reynolds: And a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn’t the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you…

Vanessa Cutchin: Be my…

Riley Dibiase Lowell: Bridesmaid.

Male voice: From the people who brought you ‘Keep Sweet’, ‘Wild Wild Country’ and ‘the Nexium Documentary,’ comes a harrowing new cult story ‘I was a bridesmaid.’

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year more than 6 million women fall into this type of cut. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters in law.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one day commitment. But for 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: I mean, there was an email chain a group text, DMS, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with bride tribe.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group. -Outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I’ve been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I’m in trouble.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The Bachelorette Party is the first major ritual. Almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn’t afford to go because my student loans. The maid of honor texted back “No worries” with the sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Naomi Daniels: At first, I thought that the bride was in charge. But it was the woman under her, the maid of honor, Michelle.

Vanessa Cutchin: Michelle was a sociopath.

Michelle: Attention. First, we’re going to be getting up at 6am for a sunrise pole dancing fitness class. Then we’re going to be renting a nine person party bike. We’re going to be drinking, drinking, drinking.

Brittany Reynolds: You know what? I’m actually not feeling that good. So I might meet you guys later.

Chloe: That’s okay. [smiles at Brittany Reynolds, but then looks at Michelle looking disappointed]

Michelle: Hey, Brittany, can we talk for a sec?

[Michelle is having serious discussion with Brittany Reynolds]

Josh Chan-Moy: I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip. Because I was drugged by myself. I had no choice. These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: As with all cults, there is a financial element.

Naomi Daniels: I spent $300 on a bridesmaid’s dress, the bride store I find other times to wear it. Like, where am I going that calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline? Nowhere.

Riley Dibiase: Then the bridal shower, more money, more gifts. There was all this penis stuff, sashes straws. Everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn’t understand.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The penis stuff is it’s very funny. I will say that.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: And finally it was time for the big day.

Riley Dibiase: I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. The groom’s cousin Donny who was inexplicably 61.

Josh Chan-Moy: Final ritual was the most demeaning. We had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[singing]

Naomi Daniels: And then, all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged. Don’t worry, I’m going to be such a chill bride.

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Garrett from Hinge

Kyra… Heidi Gardner

Travis Kelce

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Kyra: I can’t believe we just did that. Every time you’re in town, you suck me back in.

Travis: It’s because we were meant for each other baby.

Kyra: God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.

Travis: Oh, your bad. Now come on. Should I make some pancakes? That is special recipe.

[Garrett walks in]

Garrett: Hey.

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Um, what’s up?

Kyra: What are you doing in my house?

Travis: Who is that?

Garrett: Um, I’m Garrett from Hinge. We had plans for seven at Buccacinos.

Travis: What? Kyra This is the guy you blew off?

Garrett: Yeah, afraid so. Now, I’m here and you’re in bed with like, a Hemsworth brother I didn’t know about? How do you think that makes me feel?

Kyra: Dude, you broke into my house? I don’t even know you.

Garrett: Yeah, you do. I’m Garrett from Hinge. AKA the guy who’s been waiting for you a Buccacinos like some kind of Sucka.

Kyra: What is your problem? Leave.

Garrett: Oh my god, this is so overwhelming. I’m gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out, we can figure this all out. Okay?

Kyra: There was nothing to figure out. Okay, we got to call the cops.

Travis: No, you can’t. I’m not supposed to be here. I can’t leave the state because my parole.

Kyra: Wait, what parole?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett? I know your feelings are hurt. And that’s hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them. Okay. [walks out of the bathroom] Alright, I’m back. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it. And I’m open to being a throuple.

Kyra: Yeah, we’re not gonna do that, Garrett.

Garrett: Kyra, tonight. You made me look like an absolute sucker. I left work early to change.

Travis: You changed into that Stewie Griffin t shirt?

Garrett: Can give you some advice, Kyra? If you’re not emotionally available, maybe don’t be on the apps right?

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Especially Hinge, because Hinge is the app that’s designed to be deleted, right?

Kyra: Okay, will you stop making the same pose as your shirt?

Garrett: Oh, Kyra, Kyra, Kyra. You want a little foot rub?

[Garrett starts rubbing Kyra’s foot]

Kyra: No, don’t rub my foot.

Garrett: Hey, it’s just me, Garrett from Hinge, the dating app for people who hate dating apps.

Kyra: Do you, like, work for Hinge?

Garrett: Hey, this little piggy left me at Buccacinos.

Kyra: No, stop.

Garrett: Oh my God. You know what? I need to use the restroom again. And I don’t mean to make this awkward, but could you please rapid test? There was a plandemic going on.

Kyra: Did he say plandemic?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett, I know this is hard, but you cannot kill them. Even though it would be so easy, oh man, I really wish it and bring poison here. Guys! [walks out of the bathroom] You know what? I think I’m just gonna stay the night if that’s cool.

Kyra: No, Garrett, get your psychopath ass out of here now.

Garrett: Dammit, woman! Sorry, that was my Stewie impression.

Travis: No, Garrett, that was actually an amazing Stewie impression. And to be fair, Kyra, you did make him look like a sucker at Buccacinos. So you know what? Maybe we’re in the wrong too now. Get in here with us.

Garrett: Wow. Thanks guys. That’s so nice. Oh.

Travis: Oh damn, I’m positive.

Kyra and Garrett: You took it?

Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?