Nursing Home

Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Grammy… Kate McKinnon

Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]

Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.

Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.

Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.

Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?

Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.

Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?

Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.

Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.

Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?

Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–

Mrs. Conor: What?

Mikey: Gonorrhea?

Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be  cleared up in a week or so.

Mikey: How did this happen?

Doctor: We think sex.

Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.

Mikey: So you let them have sex here?

Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.

Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?

Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.

Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?

Doctor: This time, we don’t know.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?

Doctor: Eight.

Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?

Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.

Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.

Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.

[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]

Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.

Doctor: I see.

Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.

[There are a pile of roses on her table]

Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?

Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.

Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes!

Doctor: I see.

Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.

Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?

Doctor: Because she’s asleep.

[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]

Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.

Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.

Mrs. Conor: Oh.

Mikey: Wow.

Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.

Mikey: That’s disgusting.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.

Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.

Mrs. Conor: Me too.

Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!

All: Grammy?

Kellywise

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Police… Kenan Thompson

Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]

Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?

Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.

Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?

[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]

Dammit!

[The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.

Anderson Cooper: Who are you?

Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.

Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?

Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.

Anderson Cooper: I have to go.

Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?

Anderson Cooper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.

Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.

Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?

Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.

Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.

[Cut to the police]

Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]

Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Rachel?

Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.

Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.

Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.

Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]

Anderson Cooper: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]

Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No!

[Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]

Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.

Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?

Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.

Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.

[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]

Police: Oh, damn!

[Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?

Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?

Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?

Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?

Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?

[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

First Date

Amelia… Gal Gadot

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Waiter… Chris Redd

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with OJ and Amelia in a restaurant on a date]

OJ: This place is really nice.

Amelia: Oh, you like it? I haven’t been here in years. I was worried it might have changed.

[A waitress walks in and rudely picks up their plates and walks away]

OJ: Well, service might have gone downhill.

Amelia: Uh, you think? Ha-ha.[Cut to Amelia] Listen, Amelia, I have got to be honest with you. I am a little nervous. This is my first Bumble date.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, yeah, right. That’s what everyone says.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: No, no, no. I swear. I never used dating apps before. But hey, [raises his glass of wine] to trying new things.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: To trying new things. [Hitting Amelia’s glass with her’s]

Amelia: Alright. So, um, Amelia, what kind of name is that?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Well, I’m originally from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Do you know of it?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I think so. You guys had a big war there in the 90s, right?

OJ: Yeah. [Cut to OJ] Yes. It was the war for independence.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: That probably dominated all the news around there, huh?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, big time. Yea, of course. We were very, very isolated from the outside world. It was horrible.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Well, I’m glad you survived, so I could meet you.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: Aw, me too. So, um, OJ, is that a nickname?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Um, no. Actually, it’s my first and middle name. Orenthal James. I did have a nickname for a little while. “Juice”, as in juice is loose?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Loose from what?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: [shaking his head] Just a juice container. I guess. You know, it’s silly.

[A waiter walks in with their food]

Waiter: Okay. For the lady we have the halibut and for the gentleman we have the steak, the lamb chops and the burger and fries.

OJ: I can’t believe you ordered all that.

Amelia: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m starving. I feel like I haven’t eaten a decent meal in years.

Waiter: [giving his fist to Amelia] My man.

Amelia: Oh, you know what it is.

[Waiter walks away]

OJ: Wait a second. [Cut to OJ] Are you famous or something?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Who? Me? No. I’m mean not really famous. So, when you are dating somebody, you like, ever Google them?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh. No. I really prefer the mystery of it. You know, to sit together, talk to you face to face.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel the same way. Plus, you know, there is a lot of fake news out there.

[A woman walks in]

Woman: [to OJ] I’m sorry. I just wanna say I can’t believe you’re sitting here having dinner with this man. [to Amelia] You are disgusting.

[The woman walks away]

OJ: What was that all about?

Amelia: Well, I’m sad to admit this. But when you look like I do in this country, people treat you differently.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: You mean because of racism?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Yes. [Cut to OJ and Amelia] Um, OJ, I gotta confess something. This steak is incredible. You want some?

OJ: Sure. Why not?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Alright, cool. Give me a second. [Amelia is trying to cut the steak] For some reason they gave me a plastic knife. [He can’t cut the steak] Meanwhile, why do’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Uh-uh, mister, I’m not done with you yet.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Oh, your witness, counselor.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: So, what exactly is it that you do? [Cut to OJ] In your profile you just wrote this and that.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I mean, you could say I’m semi-retired but I was actually a pretty good athlete back in the day.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, so that’s why people recognize you?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It could be from that. Yes. Sure.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: So, do you still have any of your trophies or awards?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I mean, coz I tried getting some of those back a few years ago. I mean, you know, [yelling] since they were mine to begin with! But it was a little harder than I thought.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Wow. So you’re an athlete too. Pfft. I have to ask, how is it that you are still single?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It’s a mystery.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia] [phone ringing]

OJ: Oh, excuse me. It’s my friend. I told her to call me in case you were a psycho.

Amelia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Hey, Rachel. No, no, no. Everything is okay. Don’t worry. I’m having a really good time with OJ. Muah!

[as soon as OJ hangs up the phone, it starts ringing and receiving messages]

Oh, I’ll just turn this off.

Amelia: Yeah. That’s probably a great idea. Maybe some others here could take a cue from that and turn their phones off too!

[Cut to a group of people taking pictures of OJ and Amelia with their mobile phones]

You know, hey, let’s get out of here, OJ. Some people have no shame. [OJ and Amelia stand] I tell my friend AC to pull the car around. You know, I almost forgot. I wanted to show you the license plate. I made it myself.

[looking at the camera] Still got it! [winking]

Papyrus

Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him] [Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car] [Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Dive Bar

Treese Hinderson… Kenan Thompson

Larry Fontanelle… Ryan Gosling

Raj… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

Dirtrisha… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Treese and his band playing in a bar]

Treese: [singing] And that’s what she had all of the stuff in her hands, oh yeah, mmm.

Yes. Beautiful. [The audience at the bar are clapping] Hello and thank you for spending your Sunday with us at Mickey’s End Zone. This is about football, right? We’re just warming you up for the football game that will play on a tiny television that is located directly behind us at the level of our middle backs. But we will move, right? We will move.

Larry: We will move. We will move at one point.

Treese: That’s right. At one point, we will be moving.

Larry: We’re gonna move.

Treese: And then, you can watch your heavenly Cardinals trying to outsizzle your Niner fours. Yes. [Treese picks the TV remote and turns the TV off] A little later. But right now, [Cut to Treese] is there a tiny tissue? Does anyone have a tiny little tissue or a towelette perhaps? I have to admit that I ran all the way here.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: From where, my man?

Treese: Dirtrisha’s house. She tried to show me a part of herself that I was not ready to receive.

Larry: I have just found a Kleenex.

Treese: Oh, nice.

Larry: Here you go. [passing Treese the tissue]

Treese: Oh, great! Thank you very much. Let’s hit it!

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
I wonder who’s going to Kaepernick take a knee

Hello, everyone. I am Treese Hinderson. Allow me to introduce you to my band. To my immediate left and on the keyboard is Raj.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: This keyboard is a wild animal tonight. [playing keyboard solo] Yeah!

[Cut to Treese, Larry and Raj]

Treese: And on my right, Mr. Larry Fontanelle on his rock n’ roll flute.

[Cut to Larry. He is playing flute horribly.]

Larry: Thank you. Yes. [Cut to Treese and Larry] Thank you for calling it a rock n’ roll flute. It’s not just a flute. It’s deeper than that.

Treese: Oh, I know it is. I remember the first time I called it just a flute and you kicked me directly in my underbags.

Larry: I felt them on the top of my shoes.

Treese: Yes. Hey, real quick. Is that girl that you are dealing with still being problematic?

Larry: Let’s not go there. Not here.

Treese: Well, I think it would be good for you to talk about it.

Larry: But I have been advised not to.

Treese: Oh, so they’re planning to investigate further?

Larry: Yes.

Treese: The attorneys?

Larry: that’s how they introduced themselves. Yes.

Treese: Because the husband found out?

Larry: There’s more to it than that.

Treese: Well, what does that mean? There was one husband, and extra dude, and you?

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Just let the man be, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Larry: Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it here.

Treese: Oh, you are a mystery just like Daniel Craig.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
make sure the grass is dry before you take a knee

Whoo! Whoa, look at this lovely couple down front here. How are you guys feeling?

[cut to Beck and Heidi]

Beck: Just curious about what happened with your rock n’ roll flutist.

Heidi: Yeah. I’d love to hear more about what’s going on with that guy.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: I know, right? You would think that as his roommate, he would share more of what’s going on with his life with me.

Larry: Ask me in private and I’ll tell you.

Treese: Well, I never see you in private. You just go right into your room.

[Cut to Raj]

Raj: Leave him alone, Treese.

[Cut to Treese and Larry]

Treese: Well, I mean, is she preggo? You know? Full with child? PG? Is she PG? Because if she’s PG, I would like to make you both a little something from build a bear.

[phone ringing]

Larry: My phone. Sorry. I have to answer this. Hello.

Treese: Who is it?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, officer.

Treese: Officer? Well, that’s either the police or the military. Is it the police?

Larry: [speaking on phone] Yes, that’s where I live.

Treese: Well, I do too. I mean your roommate.

Larry: [speaking on phone] What do you mean the broken window?

Treese: What window? Was it in the front room? Did they access the common area?

Larry: [to Treese] Will you shut up for a second? [speaking on phone] Uh-huh. So they sacked the place?

Treese: Sacked? Did they get my good jeans?

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry. What was that?

Treese: Are they there now? Ask them if anyone has seen my good jeans.

Larry: [to Treese] Can you calm down, man?

Treese: But these are my good dark jeans. I can wear them with my big tops. Ask about the jeans.

Larry: [speaking on phone] I’m sorry, but did you happen to see any jeans?

Treese: Good jeans.

Larry: No, good jeans lying around. Okay, I see. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]

Treese: What did they say about my jeans?

Larry: They didn’t see any good ones there.

Treese: Oh, it must be that girl’s husband that you are in love web with. They took my good jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
taking the knee but not in my good dark jeans

[Cut to Dirtrisha in the audience. She is holding the jeans Treese is talking about.]

Dirtrisha: [yelling] Treese!

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Look what I got, your favorite thing in the world.

[Cut to Treese]

Treese: Dirtrisha, it was you? You have my good jeans?

[Cut to Dirtrisha]

Dirtrisha: Nobody runs out on me. [Dirtrisha tears the jeans apart] [Cut to Treese]

Treese: Ah! Oh, my good dark jeans.

[drums rolling and music playing] [singing] Twiggle do twee
football do twoe
football knees get down on the football screen

Enjoy the game, everyone. [The power cuts] And we just lost power. Perfect! Okay, perfect.

Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]

Marrying Ketchups

Marge… Aidy Bryant

Geraldine… Heidi Gardner

Windermere… Adam Driver

Wanda… Cecily Strong

Cholula… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Lily’s Diner. Geraldine is cleaning the table.]

Marge: Geraldine, you okay closing up tonight? I’m meeting Lial for Mad Men trivia night.

Geraldine: Oh, I love that show.

Marge: Oh, not the show. It’s trivia about the mad men. Like, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy and the Joker.

Geraldine: Oh. That sounds fun.

Marge: No. It’s more tense and unsettling. But hey, before you go, could you marry the half used ketchups together so they look full?

Geraldine: Yeah. No problem. Have fun, Marge. [Marge leaves] Alright, here it goes.

[Geraldine puts two ketchup bottles together] [Cut to the ketchup bottles as a man and a woman getting married.]

Windermere: Oh, you look incredible, Wanda.

Wanda: Thank you.

Windermere: No, really. So beautiful. [Wanda turns around] What’s the matter?

Wanda: Nothing. I’m just, um, happy. [sobbing] This is all so wonderful.

Windermere: Wanda, are you crying?

Wanda: No, no. No, I just haven’t opened up in a while and there’s tiny layer of water on the top.

Windermere: Well, listen. I know I’m no aioli, but I’ll good to you Wanda.

Wanda: Windermere, I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

Windermere: But of course, we love each other. You’re just getting cold bottom of a bottle.

Wanda: Can’t you see? I’m not like you.

Windermere: Wanda, I know you’re only a quarter full and I’m three quarters full. But together, it won’t matter. We’ll just be one full ketchup.

Wanda: No. We won’t. Because I’m not ketchup at all. I’m Catsup.

[Windermere is shocked.]

Windermere: What did you just say?

Wanda: You heard me.

[Wanda pulls the written Ketchup sticker on her off. Underneath, it’s written Catsup.]

Windermere: You’re telling me I’ve been gallivanting around town with some cheap off brand generic ketchup?

[Wanda slaps Windermere]

Wanda: Don’t you dare! You’re not even Heinz, you dirty hunt.

Windermere: You’re really gonna call me a hunt in front of my family?

[Cut to moving ketchup bottles of different sizes] [Cut to Windermere and Wanda]

Windermere: And to think I trusted you.

Wanda: Oh, you believed what you wanted to believe Windermere. But you knew, deep down, you knew.

Windermere: Alright, look, we can always figure this out. We just need to get rid of that stuff inside you and wait until a real ketchup bottle breaks on the floor, then we’ll scoop up that ketchup and funnel it up into your bottle.

Wanda: I’m sorry. But, I’ve met someone else. His name’s Cholula.

[Cholula walks in and holds Wanda]

Cholula: Hey, what’s up guys?

Windermere: Hot sauce? You’re choosing hot sauce over ketchup?

Wanda: Oh, wake up Windermere! It’s 2023. No one waste precious calories on ketchup anymore. They want spice. They want peppery tang. They want to feel alive for once in their god damn life.

Windermere: Oh, you’re throwing your future away is what you’re doing. Ketchup is a perfect recipe. Do you even understand what umami is? The fifth taste. It’s in here, and that low rent corn seasoning wouldn’t know umami if it bit him in his wooden head.

Cholula: Hey man. It’s a cap. And it’s actually pretty satisfying when you touch it.

Windermere: I can’t believe I almost ruined my family’s recipe by mixing with the lights of Catsup. Mom, dad, Jeremy, Elizabeth, all cousins, let’s go.

[Cut to ketchup bottles of different sizes moving in a line] [Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: Well, Cholula doesn’t need umami because he’s a real condiment. Unlike some people, he doesn’t need me to slap him in the back just so he can perform.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: So, you’ve already been together.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: That’s right. We even have a packet together.

[Cut to a baby sauce packet making crying sound]

Easy now baby. Go back to sleep.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Well, Wanda, I hope you’re happy. And I don’t relish telling you this but vinegar and I double teamed an order of fish and chips.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Wanda: I know. I went through you phone and looked at the photos. It looked delicious.

[Cut to Windermere, Wanda and Cholula]

Windermere: Goodbye Wanda.

Wanda: Goodbye, Windermere.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Hey, and, um, great menu man! Sorry about all the– their stuff.

[Cut to Windermere]

Windermere: Just treat her right, okay? Better than I could.

[Cut to Wanda and Cholula]

Cholula: Aite! Dope!

Wanda: Now, kiss me, Cholula. Kiss me with those sizzling peppery lips.

Cholula: Alright. Just try not to get me in your eyes though.

[Cut to Geraldine playing with a bottle of ketchup and Cholula.]

Geraldine: Muah! Oh, I love you Cholula. Oh, and I love you, ketchup.

[Marge walks in]

Marge: Geraldine. Everything okay in here?

Geraldine: Oh, I — Everything’s fine.

Marge: Just making the ketchup kiss the cholula?

Geraldine: Yes. Sorry.

Marge: Well, I didn’t say stop.

[The End]