Weekend Update Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan on Cancel Culture

Colin Jost

Lowell Fitzroy… Mikey Day

Janet Noonan… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new social activist group has spared controversy online prompting many different claim that cancel culture has gone too far. Here to discuss are the group’s founders, 2 and 3.

[Lowell Fitzroy and Janet Noonan slide in]

Lowell Fitzroy: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi. Welcome, guys. Tell us, what exactly do you guys do?

Lowell Fitzroy: Well, we notice that everyone was getting canceled and we love that.

Janet Noonan: It’s great.

Lowell Fitzroy: But there was one group who were seemingly immune children.

Janet Noonan: So, we expose problematic kids and cancel them.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You cancel kids?

Lowell Fitzroy: That’s right. We call them out on Twitter. Here’s an example – This pig’s name is Chase Powell. He said to a famale classmate: “You don’t have a weiner, you have a bagina.” Expel him now @PineTreeElem or u support classroom harassment & stand with predators like this bile-spweing piece of sourdough bread. #chasepowellisoverparty.

Janet Noonan: [clapping] Yes! Come on! Yes.

Colin Jost: Hey, how old is that kid?

Janet Noonan: That pig? He’s five. And let me tell you, he’s going to have a hard time finding a job now. And so will this little rat we canceled – We NEED to talk about Oliver Carson. This prep school pig is a HOMOPHOBE. He asked a friend in his playgroup why she had 2 daddies and “no mommy.” Normalize bigotry, much? #FlushThisTurd. Bye!

Colin Jost: That kid looks three years old.

Janet Noonan: Oh, so you’re defending him? Interesting.

Lowell Fitzroy: These kids need to be held accountable, Colin. Like this little demon whose life we absolutely destroyed – Trick or treat, smell my feet, this pig’s name is Lily Davis. She’s white as printer paper and went as a culturally appropriating goon for Halloween. Her phone # is 714-555-0157. Do you worst, Internet. #Doxxed #BuhBye.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry, guys. But doxing elementary school kids cannot be healing society.

Janet Noonan: That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard either of you say. Sorry, I just don’t find Weekend Update portion of your show amusing. Never have. Sorry if that hurts.

Colin Jost: Yeah, we’re okay. But thanks so much for coming by.

Lowell Fitzroy: Wait. We have one more piece of garbage to expose – Congrats! It’s a…RACIST. Confetti emoji. This piglet CRIED when she was delivered by an AFRICAN AMERICAN doctor. Yeah, nope. The C in her C-Section stands for #CANCELED.

Colin Jost: Alright, it was a baby. The Kid Cancel, everyone.

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Weekend Update- Landis Trotter on Holiday Gifting

Michael Che

Landis Trotter… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Christmas is approaching and most of us still have shopping to do. Here to share her holiday gift guide is Instagram influencer, Landis Trotter.

[Landis Trotter slides in]

Landis Trotter: Yes. Hey, Michael. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on Update real quick and say hi.

Michael Che: So, on Instagram, you have half a million followers and you’re here today with your holiday gift guide?

Landis Trotter: Yes. Everything I’m sharing with you today are just my favorite products and go-tos. No sponsored ads.

Michael Che: Great. What do you recommend as a present for a romantic partner? I know a lot of people could use help with that.

Landis Trotter: Oh, yes. I mean, a lot of guys are totally out to see. But last Christmas, my now fiancé, Mark, totally nailed it. He said, “Go, look under the tree.” And I saw a box. And I was like, “Mark?” And he was like, “Open it.” And inside the box was Private Banking from Merrill Lynch. [an ad of Merrill Lynch bank appears at the corner.] As life of all, Merrill Lynch is changing the way we look at retirement. Use code “OLDPEEPLE” for free shipping.

Michael Che: So, you’re recommending concierge retirement banking for romantic gift. This seems like an ad.

Landis Trotter: No. Merrill Lynch is thoughtful and responsible. And it’s– Oh! @MerryllLynch.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what gift do you recommend for moms?

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Moms are so hard to shop for. I mean, specially mine. She’s like, really classy. But I do know she loves anything cinnamon and nutmeg. She’s always like, “The spice must flow.” That’s why this holiday season, I partnered with a movie “Dune” at HBO MAX. From the mind of Frank Herbert and visionary director Denis Villeneuve. Use code “SANDWORM” and check out for 5% off Dune.

Michael Che: So, you think people should buy “Dune” for their momes?

Landis Trotter: I do. I do. I use it everyday. It changed my life.

Michael Che: Alright. Well Landis, I still haven’t got anything for my boss and I love to get him something from a small business.

Landis Trotter: Okay. Well, my next gift is small and local. I’m giving my boss Hitachi Healthcare Xray imaging. No one should have to wonder what their bones look like.

Michael Che: Landis, come on. Wholesale Xray equipment for my boss?

Landis Trotter: I know. But I have to say that because they give me the money.

Michael Che: So, these are all ads?

Landis Trotter: Yes. [in soft voice] For me to get money and free stuff and brag to people I went to high school with that I’m doing good and that I grew up pretty and I’m a money maker now.

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry, Landis. I think you’re great, personally.

Landis Trotter: Really, Michael?

Michael Che: So great that this Christmas morning, you deserve a sizzling patty of Jimmy Dean sausage.

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Is that an ad?

Michael Che: Yes. Use code “JIMMYCHE” for 1% off.

Landis Trotter: 1%? Michael, that’s what I want to be.

Michael Che: Landis Trotter, everybody.

Tiny Horse

Randall… Beck Bennett

Abigail… Heidi Gardner

Ernest… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with ‘The Farm’ video bumper.]
[Cut to a man looking at his past due bills]

Randall: Aw, the hell with it, Abigail. There’s nothing we can do.

Abigail: It’s okay, Randall. We will figure this out together.

[their son walks in]

Ernest: Pa?

Abigail: Ernest, go to sleep, sweetie.

Ernest: What’s the matter, Pa?

Abigail: Ernest! Listen to your mother. It’s a grown up talk.

Ernest: Well, I’m grown up ain’t I? You can trust me with the hogs, you can trust me with the truth.

Randall: We’re selling the farm, boy. The land, the barn, all of it.

Ernest: But pa, what about the animals? We’re not going to sell the animals, right pa?

Randall: Sorry, boy. They have to go. They all have to go.

[Cut to Ernest sitting on a farm truck.]

Ernest: [singing] It’s extra quiet in the farm tonight
and I’m feeling so alone
Cause today I’m losing my friend

Yes today, I’m gonna lose my only friend

[Ernest opens a small box. A small tiny hors walks out of the box.]

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
And he’s going away, yeah
They’re taking him away from me, yeah

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But they’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse
[Ernest puts the horse on the floor]
You’re free now, boy. Go on. [the horse does not leave] Didn’t you hear me? I said you’re free. Now run. Come on, you dumb horse. I said get! [The tiny horse is getting upset. Emotional music playing in the background.] Run if you know it’s good for you. Get! Get! Go on. [The horse starts running away.] Get, you filthy horse! Go! Come on! Get! Go on! Get. Go on. Get. Go on, boy. Hey, get! Don’t come back. You hear? I never even wanted you, so don’t come back because I certainly won’t be looking. Just promise me one thing. Do great things. I know you will.

[Cut to Animal University. The tiny horse is wearing convocation hat.]

Male voice: And your valedictorian is tiny horse.

[Cut to tiny horse speech with Joe Biden. Then there’s tiny horse’s name on hall of fame. Tiny horse on front page of People magazine marrying AOC. Tiny horse is in Jimmy Fallon show also.]
[Cut back to Ernest singing for his horse]
Ernest: There he is, my tiny horsе
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But thеy’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse

[Randall walks to Ernest]

Randall: Boy, good news. I got a loan and we’re keeping the farm.

Ernest: What?

Randall: It turns out you can keep your tiny horse after all.

Ernest: Really? [the tiny horse looks at Ernest with hopeful eyes.] No, pa. I can’t. That tiny horse was never mine to begin with. That tiny horse belongs to the world. [looking to the tiny horse] Go on, boy. Get.

[The tiny horse gets on a real horse and goes away]

He’s gonna do great things, right pa?

Randall: Sure he will, son. You just know it.

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.

Dr. Fauci & Dr. Birx Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Deborah Birx… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer” intro]
[Cut to Wolf Blitzer in his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Hello and welcome to “The Situation Room”. I’m your host Wolf Blitzer, an indoor man with an outdoor name. Today’s top story is the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine which the FDA just approved for emergency use. It’s just like the PS5. Everybody wants it, nobody can get it and if you’re rich, you already had it a month ago. Here to tell us what to expect out of the vaccine roll out are the American gothic of the whole coronavirus situation, please welcome Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Hello. Hi.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I am also the reason for the cheers.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Let’s try to keep the ‘woo’s to the minimum please. As you all know, woos spread droplets.

[Cut to split screen with Wolf Blitzer, Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Wolf Blitzer: Thank you for being here. I understand we’re finally getting some good news.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. The vaccine is approved and I am officially joining the Biden administration to continue the fight against covid.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I think I’ll be joining as well. Right? Remember when trump said to inject bleach and I did a stanky little face and I almost whispered, “No!” Remember?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. I remember.

Wolf Blitzer: okay. Let’s talk about the Psizer vaccine which is already being distributed in the United Kingdom.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. We’re doing this vaccine World War II style. We made England go in first. See what’s what. And then we swoop in at the end and steal the spotlight. Tom Hanks will make 10 movies about it and when it’s all over, you can kiss any nurse you want.

Wolf Blitzer: That sounds good to me. Now, who will get the first vaccine here on the United States?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, here’s how we’re going to do it. First, healthcare workers. You make seamies, you make dreamies. Whatever.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Next, we have anybody named Mildrid, Hores, Blanc, Mable or Walter.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’re talking about super seniors. Anyone who pays for Red Lobster with a diner’s club card.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Then after the elderly, we’ll move on to prisoners. Then teachers. Then sick people. Then everyone else.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Right. That will be July Dr. Anthony Fauci0-bada-bada-bada.

Wolf Blitzer: That’s quite a while to wait. What do you make of the overall federal vaccine plan?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I try not to comment but this president has done about as good a job with this roll out as I did throwing out that first pitch at the nationals.

Wolf Blitzer: Yes. I believe we have a clip.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, we don’t have to show it.

[Cut to a video clip of Dr. Anthony Fauci pitching in a baseball game. He throws the ball so bad.]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, what exactly happened there?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t want to talk about it.

Dr. Deborah Birx: It’s okay, little guy. We all mess up sometimes. You threw the ball wrong. I didn’t say, “Don’t drink the bleach.” It happens.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Thank you. But we are here to talk about science and facts.

Radom girl: Dr. Fauci!

[The girl throws a red bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop throwing bras. Would you?

Wolf Blitzer: I’m sorry, Dr. Fauci. Did someone just throw a bra at your face?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Look. This keeps happening. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve been the only one saying facts. So, some people got a crush on me. They say stuff like, “Can you be my face mask?” I respect it. Any other year, I’m a two. This year, I’m a 10. I don’t know.

Wolf Blitzer: Now, it’s my understanding that the coronavirus vaccine must be stored at 70 degrees below zero. How will you keep the doses cold?

Dr. Deborah Birx: Luckily, the vaccine comes in Coor light cold activated cans. If the mountains are blue, you know the vaccine is effective.

Wolf Blitzer: The Pfizer and Moderna vaccines both require two doses. How will providers track patients and make sure they return for their second dose?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Well, using a technique long employed by one night stands who have caught feelings. We’ve going to have them leave a necklace at the CVS just so they have an excuse to come back.

Wolf Blitzer: How will you decide which states get the shipments first.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Uh-huh. We’re going to distribute to states alphabetically starting with A-California. And then B-New York city.

Dr. Deborah Birx: The distribution will vary based on the locale.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. In New Orleans, we’re tossing the vaccines up to balconies like Mardi Gra beads. The more you show, the more you get.

Dr. Deborah Birx: North Carolina’s vaccine will be vinegar based while South Carolina’s will be mustard based. In New York, the vaccine vessels will be very thin on the bottom. Whereas in Chicago, it will be more of a deep dish.

Wolf Blitzer: I see. Well, that sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. But look, hopefully if enough Americans get–

Random girl: Marry me!

[The girl throws another bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Enough! Please. Thank you. If enough Americans get this vaccine, you’ll all forget who I am. That’s my goal. To have zero name recognition with Americans. Because that means I’ll have done my job well. I want to go back to being an anonymous hunk. But you have my promise, no matter who is in charge, I’ll do everything possible to ensure that you are able to see your loved ones safely once again.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I’m taller.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yea, you beat me there.

Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Old Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Movie theaters in many parts of the country have been unable to operate fully since March. Here to comment is teem movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey at the Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks shy.] [cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey. It’s good to see you. It has been a while.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, Michael Che missed me. Creepy.

Michael Che: Alright, Bailey. So, since most theaters are closed, what have you been watching?

Bailey Gismert: Well, since I can’t watch news, my dad’s been making me watch super old movies.

Michael Che: That’s kind of awesome. What did you watch? “Casablanca”, “Citizen Kane”?

Bailey Gismert: Um, try like, “Forrest Gump”.

Michael Che: That’s not that old.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, so, we like, watched “Forrest Gump” and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that anymore. Like, Bubba, Jenny and Forrest hook up? That’s a gray area, Michael. Also, did you know Tom Hanks used to have a problem? I’ve only ever seen him as David S. Pumpkins, but seeing him when he was young, like, he has overcome a lot.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. That’s a character. Tom Hanks is just acting.

Bailey Gismert: What? You can’t do that anymore, Michael. Like, he’s doing the voice and everything. Like, they should have casted actual Forrest Gump, if you know what I mean, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s just move on. Did you watch any other movies?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. We saw all the 90’s best pictures. The next one was “American Beauty”, and you just can’t do that anymore, Michael.

Michael Che: Right. Because of Kevin Spacey.

Bailey Gismert: No. Like, plastic bags, Michael. They’re just watching it circle around and– It could strangle a duck, Michael.

Michael Che: Okay, got it. Did you watch any best pictures you liked?

Bailey Gismert: Yes. “The silence of the lambs” was cool. I wasn’t like, laugh out loud funny but there were really some funny moments for sure.

Michael Che: Really? What was your favorite part?

Bailey Gismert: I guess like, Buffalo Bill the [mumbling]

Michael Che: Buffalo Bill the serial killer? Do you like him, Bailey?

Bailey Gismert: Stop. Stop. I know you’re like, 45 , but shut up.

Michael Che: I’m not.

Bailey Gismert: I don’t like Buffalo Bill. Yeah. So, he’s a dog dad and his dancing is fire, but I don’t like him.

Michael Che: Well, good. Because he’s a serial killer.

Bailey Gismert: In your opinion. Just like, don’t tell me I like him because Buffalo Bill loves the chase.

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not. Stop! Urgh! Oh my god. Stop. I’m just like, running on fumes. I know around here it’s an election year and the nation is watching or whatever. But you’re never in sketches. So, you barely work. But I’m like, overwhelmed. I nailed my choir solo. So now, there’s a target on my back. I had to sell my mom’s masks. And top of all that, next week I have to drink a bunch of milk.

Michael Che: Why do you have to do that?

Bailey Gismert: I’m a lady Santa. It’s 2020, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, Bailey, I’m glad you’re still doing what you’re doing.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. If you’re as hungry for my ass as Michael, make sure you smash that subscribe button below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t online.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, I know. I can’t even find SNL on Netflix. You know that’s bad, right?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Sleepover 2

Father… Jason Bateman

Jean… Heidi Gardner

Angel… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Megan… Kate McKinnon

Stacey… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a father interrupting girls’ sleepover]

Father: Hey, hey, hey, girls. I’m sorry to interrupt. Lame ass dad is interrupting the sleepover. I’m just kidding. It’s me and I’m sorry that I cursed. Okay. Now, I wanted to talk to you girls please.

Jean: Is everything okay, dad?

Father: Absolutely. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad but something has happened upstairs. It’s a little bit embarrassing to talk about as a dad but it is totally natural. So, we’ll just– we’re gonna talk it out.

Girls: Okay.

Father: Alright. It looks as if someone has left a… um… a… a… a menstrual period stain on one of the couch cushions. It’s sort of big.

Jean: Oh, no! Will it come out?

Father: Well, whoever did it tried to put the whole cushion in the washing machine .

Angel: Did that break it?

Father: It sure did break it, angel. It broke it real bad. It overflowed and I think that the person panicked and tried to hide all the suds in your backpacks. Then they put the cushion in the dryer which really baked it in.

Ego: Oh, no.

Father: Yes. Yeah. Then they found some scissors. They cut a hole on the cushion which made the feathers from inside sort of explode all over the place. Jean, where’s Megan?

Jean: Um.. I don’t know. She went upstairs like, a long time ago.

Father: Yeah. Okay.

[Megan walks down. Her hair is messy and all the pillow feathers are on her.]

Megan: Hey, what’s up?

Father: There she is. Hello, Megan. Can you please join us here on the couch? We’re just having a little chat because well, somebody had their period on a cushion and put a real big part of the couch in the wash.

Megan: [trying to act shocked] Whoa! You kidding me?

Father: Yeah. No, I’m not kidding at all.

Megan: [looking at the girls] Man, one of you has got a lot of explaining to do. Alright, I’m gonna head out. Happy birthday.

Father: No, no, no. I’d love you to stick around. We’re just talking with your gal pals here trying to do a little figuring out of a mystery and we’re just trying to figure out what happened.

Megan: Yeah, I think we should. There is a sicko among us. But it’s definitely not me because I wear monster tamps. I just like the way it feels. Big tamp in there. You know? Just take the applicator, put it in and then you poop it up.

Father: Well, I’d sure love less details.

Megan: Also, sir, I do wear a big leather underwear. Motorcycle style. I’m kink for sure.

Father: Even less would be dynamite.

Megan: [whispering on Father’s ear] Honestly, it was probably Stacey. She rides horses. Probably stretched herself out. The gate is open, if you know what I mean.

Stacey: Oh, man. Don’t talk about my gate.

Father: Okay, listen. I’m going to keep going with what happened. They took one of the pillows from our bed and brought that to replace the couch cushion but I guess they went ahead and they bled on that too.

Megan: Honestly, depraved.

Father: Then they sat on the floor, so there’s a part of the carpet that has been cut out now.

Megan: That’s just quick thinking.

Stacey: That’s a lot of stains.

Megan: Look, whoever did it, just come forward. Okay? We all get the same period, you guys. Jaundice, eight day vomit, homicidal ideations, speaking in tongues.

Ego: I don’t know that we share that.

Megan: We were all put on the pill and our bodies all fought it off. We all got an IUD and it rusted and passed.

Father: Girls, that’s enough. Here is the deal. The house is a rental. I’m gonna need to get my deposit back. So, unless I can give them some answers–

Megan: Come on, you guys. It is not a big deal. Just tell the hot dad that you kill billed his living room.

Father: Megan, I’d sure love to talk to you over here. Can we have a little side bar?

Megan: Ay, ay, captain.

Father: Okay. I want to give you a chance away from everyone else. Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Megan: I would like to make love to both you and your wife.

Father: Is there anything else that you would like to say?

Megan: You see, right now, it’s Megan0-Megan0 whether I will grow up to be gay. I propose we settle the question tonight with a game of spin the bottle. You, me, your wife.

Father: Okay. Never mind. I give up.

Angel: Wait. I have to confess something. I got a stain on a cushion and I put it in the washing machine. I’m sorry.

Stacey: Wait. I also got a stain on a cushion and put it in the washing machine.

Ego: Actually, so did I.

Jean: And I got a stain on a cushion, a sleeping bag, my training bra and the cockatiel. And I put them all on the washing machine.

Father: Girls. Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty. Megan, is there anything honest you would like to say to me?

Megan: No, there is not.

Father: Okie dokie. Please get back to your sleepover. Enjoy yourself. I’m sure everything is just going to be okay.

Girls: Thanks.