Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.] [Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds] [Smoke begins to come out of nowhere] [A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy] [Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody] [Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves] [Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room] [Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody] [Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!

The Perfect Mother | Season 44 Episode 20

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Emma Thompson

[Starts with Heidi Gardner taking care of a baby]

Heidi Gardner: Babe? Babe. Can you just like give me like a minute?

[Mikey Day walks in]

Mikey Day: Julia. Dad. Let’s give mommy and granny a minute. [Heidi hands over the baby to Mikey] Thank you. Yeah, of course.

[Emma brings Heidi a cup of coffee and sits beside her]

Emma Thompson: There you go.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I don’t know how you did it.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Did what, honey?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Raised me without going insane. [Cut to Heidi and Emma] I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. But you. You were just like a perfect mother.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: No, I wasn’t.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, you were. You were always so calm and sweet with me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: That’s because every moment was a joy.

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Why don’t you fu**ing Sleep!

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I don’t even remember you ever yelling at me.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: How could I yell at this face?

[Cut to the past when Emma was taking care of Heidi as a baby]

Emma Thompson: Oh, my god, look what you did to the TV! Did you just put paint all over the TV?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I just need a break sometimes. Like I’m completely overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that?

[Cut to the past. A room full of kids are making noise. Emma is carrying a birthday cake. She is exhausted.] [Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: If I did, I don’t remember.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a birthday cake.]

Emma Thompson: Happy birth–

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: I can barely manage to take a shower every other day. But you were always so put together.

[Cut to the past. Emma is carrying a baby with one hand and dragging her garbage with the other hand uncomfortably.] [Emma looks at Cheryl]

Emma Thompson: Enjoying the show, Cheryl?

[Cut to Cheryl]

Cheryl: Hell, no.

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: You were perfect. I mean, even when I was a teenager and you were supposed to hate your mom, you were great. You  never judged me. You never pried.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: Well, it was none of my business.

[Cut to the past. Emma is reading Heidi’s diary.]

Emma Thompson: “I’m a little slut”?

[Cut back to present[

Heidi Gardner: Compared to you, I feel like I’m not good at this.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: You are every bit the mother I was and then some. [Cut to Heidi and Emma]Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside, you come across as so relaxed.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Well, I try not to get worked up about the little stuff.

[Cut to past, Heidi, Mikey and the baby are in the car.]

Heidi Gardner: Why didn’t you pack the goddamn giraffe?

Mikey Day: You said, “Pack a toy!”

Heidi Gardner: I meant a giraffe!

Mikey Day: You said—

Heidi Gardner: Shh. Hey, baby. [Cut to the baby crying at the back seat] [Cut back to the present]

Emma Thompson: It seems like you and Nick still find time to, you know.

Heidi Gardner: Mom. I’ll just say that in the bedroom, [Cut to Heidi and Emma] we are still very much a married couple.

[Cut to past, Heidi and Mikey in the bedroom. Heidi is watching TV and Mikey is busy on his phone.] [Heidi farts]

Heidi Gardner: Sorry.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: You are doing an amazing job. Just remember to Cherish every moment. [Cut to the baby puking over Heidi] Because each day with your child is special.

[Cut to Heidi taking care of the baby’s diaper]

Heidi Gardner: Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: She has all the way up her back.

Mikey Day: Oh, that’s up to her neck.

[Cut back to present]

Emma Thompson: And each day you’ll experience something new and wonderful.

[Cut to Heidi making a phone call]

Heidi Gardner: Dr. Klein, my daughter ate two crayons.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey Day: No, five. She ate five crayons.

Heidi Gardner: I’m sorry, five crayons. Do we need to bring her in?

[Cut back to present]

Heidi Gardner: This is exactly what I needed to hear. See? You are a perfect mother.

[Cut to Heidi and Emma hugging]

Emma Thompson: So are you, honey. You have poop in your hair. Oh.