American Households Cold Open

Snowman… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Bowen Yang

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Heidy Gardner

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Greta Thunberg… Kate McKinnon

[starts with a cartoon picture of a snow man and the states map picture of the USA] [Cut to the snowman]

Snowman: Well, well, well, it’s almost Christmas. And folks in America seem more divided than every. But if we listen in to some dinner conversations tonight, I bet we’d find out we have more in common than we realize. Now we can listen. I hacked into three nest home cams. Take a look.

[Cut to a home in San Francisco, California] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Cecily: I’m so happy everyone flew here for the holidays. And I’m even more happy that they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.
Melissa: Mom, come on. We said no politics tonight.

[Cut to Speaker 4 and Speaker 5]

Kyle: I don’t know what took them so long. Trump is a criminal.

Kevin: He violated the constitution. There has to be consequences.

[Cut to Speaker 3]

Melissa: Here we go.

[Cut to a home in Charleston, South Carolina] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Beck: Well, they did it. They’re impeaching Trump.

Mikey: Dad, stop.

Beck: I’m sorry, it’s a disgrace. What crime did he even commit?

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Heidi: I guess the crime of being an alpha male who actually gets things done.

Mikey: Okay!

[Cut to Chloe]

Chloe: The democrats lost the election. Now, they’re attempting a coup.

[Cut to Heidi and Mikey]

Mikey: Alright, here we go.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia] [Cut to a family having dinner]

Chris: Dad, come on. You’re going to rile everybody up.

Kenan: What? I’m just asking. Do you guys think “Bad Boys 3” is gonna be good or not? I mean, it’s got to be good. Will Smith and Martin Lawrence back together.

Ego: Yeah, but is Martin Lawrence still Martin Lawrence?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hey, you not too old to get a spanking! That’s Martin Lawrence you talking about.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: I hate to say this, but can we please talk about politics, instead?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, you mean how Trump is definitely getting impeached and then definitely getting reelected? I’m good.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: I just don’t understand who on earth could vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Heidi: How could anyone not vote for Trump after this?

[Cut to the family in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Who you think is gonna get voted off “The Masked Singer” next week? I think it’s the Fox.

Ego: You mean Wayne Brady?

Kenan: What? It’s obvious Jamie Foxx. Fox. Jamie Fox. It almost makes too much sense. I bet you Jamie Fox could beat Trump.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Dad, Trump’s not gonna win. People aren’t gonna vote for him again.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: What people? White people? If white people tell you, “I might not vote for Trump this time,” You know what that’s called right? A lie. Nobody was gonna vote for Trump in 2016 either, and then guess who did? Everybody. Now see, you got me all worked up. I need drink.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Well, I just need to say this, okay? If Obama did half the stuff Trump did, he would be in jail already.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: The fact is Obama did way worse stuff than Trump ever did and they didn’t impeach him.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Can you believe they didn’t kill Obama? I thought they was going to kill him for sure.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Mikey: Guys, maybe we should put on some Christmas music to help everybody relax?

Beck: Maybe you’re right.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Alexa, play “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Alexa, play the politically correct version of “Baby it’s cold outside.”

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Alexa, play “Santa Claus is coming to town by Michael Jackson.”

Chris: Dad!

Kenan: All right, all right. Play “Santa Claus is coming to town” by the Jackson 5.

Chris: That’s better.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: I mean, I don’t like all the democratic candidates but, I’d take any of them over four more years of Trump.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: I don’t agree with everything Trump is doing, but he’s way better than any of those democrats.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: You know who I’m starting to like a lot? That Pete Buttigieg. [everybody laughing]

Ego: Okay, okay, dad, that’s a good one.

Chris: You should have seen your face.

Kenan: You should have seen your face.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Cecily: Oh, my god. I just got a notification. I tweeted a photo of Trump’s head on the body of a Charmin bear, and he didn’t realize it was a joke and he retweeted it. [laughing] [Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Oh, my god, I tweeted that Nancy Pelosi was a libtard commie and Trump retweeted it and he nominated me to be a federal judge.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Oh, my god! Cory Booker just retweeted me and nobody noticed.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kyle: Hey, why don’t we all say a secular blessing of thanks. Kevin, you want to lead us?

Kevin: I’d love to. Dear gender neutral spirits.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Dear white original American Jesus—

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Dear historically correct black Jesus.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Beck: Thank you for no more kneeling in the NFL. That was very hard for me.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Kenan: Thank you, lord, for the not one, not two, but three black quarterbacks who have beat Tom Brady this season. Colin Kaepernick, you move in mysterious ways.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Kevin: Thank you for the super bowl halftime show and that’s it.

[Cut to a home in Atlanta, Georgia]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in Charleston, South Carolina]

Everybody: Amen.

[Cut to the family in San Francisco, California]

Everybody: A-women!

[Cut to the snow man]

Snowman: Now, those three families may seem different but you see, they have one important thing in common. They live in states where their votes don’t matter, because none of them live in the three states that will decide the election. They’ll debate the issues all year long, but then it all comes down to a thousand people in Wisconsin who won’t even think about the election until the morning of. And that’s the magic of electoral college.

[Greta Thunberg walks in]

Great Thunberg: My name is Greta Thunberg. And I also have a Christmas message. In ten years, this snowman won’t exist. Her home will be a puddle. Santa, reindeer, the north pole, all of it, gone. The ice caps will melt and the elves will drown.

Snowman: Greta!

Greta Thunberg: What? You said keep it light. So merry, maybe our last Christmas to all and Donald Trump, step to me and I will come at you like plastic straw comes at a turtle. I cannot believe I’m saying this to a 70 year old man, but grow up.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Rectix | Season 44 Episode 19

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Emily… Heidy Gardner

Beck Bennett

Dad… Adam Sandler

[Starts with a family sitting on a veranda]

Mom: We are going to get some lemonade so you two behave.

Son:  Okay.

[Mom and Emily leave] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’ll tell you that Emily is great. Your mom and I really like her.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Thanks, Pop.

[Son looks disappointed] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Something on your mind, son?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Actually, yeah. I’m a little embarrassed to say this, but lately I’ve been having a little trouble performing.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: You mean erectile dysfunction?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Has it ever happened to you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Sure has. It happened to me a lot. [Cut to Son agreeing] [Cut to Dad]

But then I found out about new Rectix. [Dad takes a huge pill out] [Cut to Son]

Son: Whoa, that pill is massive, how do you even swallow that thing?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Ha-ha, you don’t swallow it son. You insert it like an suppository and trust me, it works.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So you put that thing—

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix isn’t like ordinary pills. It has a hard 5 inch capsule when placed into your rectum can stop erectile dysfunction dead in it’s tracks.

[Cut to Son]

Son: And it just dissolves up there?

Dad: No, no, [Cut to Dad and son] that’s the best part, son. It stays put for as long as you need it to work. It even comes with an attached loop [Cut to Dad showing the loop of Rectix] so you can retrieve it when you’re through.

[Cut to Son]

Son: So, it’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: A what? No. It’s a pill.

Narrator: Rectix. The all natural, fast-acting male enhancement pill.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Dad, does mom know about this?

[Cut to Mom coming out with lemonades]

Mom: Well, it was actually my idea. I was afraid your dad would never get an erection ever again.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: One night your mother said to me, “Lay back, let’s try something.”

[Cut to Son]

Son: I really shouldn’t be hearing this.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Oh, I was skeptical too, son. I remember asking, “What the hell are you doing back there?”

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: And I told him, “Just relax and breathe.”

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: So I said, “What is that, like a pill or something?”

Mom: And I said, “Sure.”

Dad: And it worked. Immediately.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Okay, I got it, dad.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: I tried other methods.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: But none of those things worked like Rectix vibrating pills.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Wait, so it vibrates too?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Of course it does. What did you think? That it doesn’t?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Yeah.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: Well, it does. You know what, son, why don’t you borrow mine?

[Cut to Son]

Son: Ew, no.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Relax, honey, it’s clean. Every prescription of Rectix is 100% dishwasher safe.

[Cut to Son]

Son: You put that thing in the dishwasher? Stop calling it a prescription. It’s a butt plug.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Dad: It’s a pill.

Mom: It’s a pill.

[Emily comes out with a lemonade for herself]

Emily: Umm, this lemonade is amazing.

[Son slaps the glass out of Emily’s hand]

Son: Don’t put your mouth on that!

[Cut to Rectix precaution video]

Narrator: Side effects might include slight discomfort, extreme discomfort and shift in couple’s power dynamics.

[Cut to Dad and Mom]

Mom: Honey, what’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Rectix.

[Cut to Son]

Son: Oh, my god.

Dad: It’s a pill.