So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.] [Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

The Fainting Couch

Amelia… Cecily Strong

Kenneth… Benedict Cumberbatch

Christian… Alex Moffat

Henry… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Lansdowne house.

[England, 1914] [Alex walks in a room where Ben and Cecily are there.]

Christian: Amelia, Kenneth.

Amelia: Christian, what a marvelous surprise. My brother in the flesh. Well, why of all you’re here?

Kenneth: Shouldn’t you be away in Cornwall?

Christian: I’ve left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.

Amelia: Let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please.

Henry: Yes, ma’am.

Christian: You see, the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight.

Amelia: No.

Christian: I felt duty bound to do my bit.

Amelia: No. Christian, no. [loses her balance]

Kenneth: Your sister has health spells. Amelia, to the fainting couch.

Christian: So I’ve made a decision. I’m off to war.

Amelia: No.

Henry: Tea, ma’am.

[Amelia spills tea all over the floor]

Kenneth: Look what you’ve done.

Christian: Oh, heaven.

Kenneth: She has missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

Amelia: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It seems I’ve had a tiny spell.

Kenneth: More than a tiny one, my dear. You have a foot?

Amelia: Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it’s you. I just had the most frightful dream that you could go in a war.

Christian: That was no dream, Amelia. It’s true. I’m joining the 11th Azores. I’ll be on the front lines.

Amelia: The front lines? Oh, no. What’s happening?

Kenneth: Oh, Amelia. Please. To the couch, my love. Come this way.

Christian: I’m sorry, but she must hear the truth, that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefields.

Henry: The elixirs, ma’am.

[Amelia falls and spills all the elixirs]

Kenneth: She’s missed the couch again.

Christian: Again? How?

Kenneth: Well, we need to study her nerves. Henry, don’t just stand there. Bring the sherry. As many courses as you can cut it.

Henry: Of course sir. And don’t worry sir, I’m fine.

Amelia: Oh, heavens. I’ve had a spell.

Kenneth: Don’t concern yourself my dear. Your bluffing brother, it’s his fault for telling us like this.

Amelia: Oh, Christian, there you are. You can still change your mind. Go back to Cornwall. Forget all this war madness.

Christian: No Amelia. The die is cast. You see, I’ve already enlisted.

Amelia: What? Oh! [she’s losing balance again]

Kenneth: This way, my dear. Oh, trash, she went the other way.

[Amelia pulls out the curtain and throws the light stand. Then she bashes everything on the cupboard.]

Christian: She is putting on quite a show, isn’t she?

[Amelia breaks the flower vase]

Kenneth: How dare you? She could die.

[Amelia is walking around the room funnily breaking things]

Christian: Why are you just watching?

Kenneth: It must run its cost. Steady now. Steady now. Steady.

Christian: Oh, come now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.

Henry: Your sherry, ma’am.

Amelia: Oh, thank you, Henry. I think I’ll pass. [spilling all the wine he’s brought] Yes, I’m fine.

Kenneth: Splendid. Let’s reinvigorate your constitution. Henry, bring us some soup. Piping hot.

Henry: Piping hot soup. Yes, sir.

Kenneth: Now my dear, are you all right?

Amelia: Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I seem to have a tiny cut on my hand.

Kenneth: Is that blood? Oh! [now Kenneth is losing balance feeling dizzy]

Henry: Soup is ready sir. [Kenneth runs around funnily around Henry] Oh, no. No, please, sir.

Kenneth: Yes. [Kenneth hits the soup bowl and spills it all over Henry and falls down] [he stands again] I’m terribly sorry. Look, the fits run in both our families, you see? Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.

Christian: Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Well, perhaps I should not go to war then.

Amelia: Oh, yes, marvelous.

Kenneth: This calls for a celebration. Henry, bring out the champagne that are priceless Faberge eggs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

[Amelia, Kenneth and Christian start dancing around]

Settl

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Byer

Henry… Taran Killam

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Kate walking down the stairs]

Kate: I think I’m a pretty good catch. So, why can’t I meet the right guy? I’ve tried all the online dating apps like Tinder, Okay Cupid and Match.com but I wanna get married now. That’s why I joined the new online dating app, Settl.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There’s nothing wrong with the men on Settl. They’re just normal guys with characteristic I am now willing to overlook.

[Cut to Sasheer, Venessa and Kate sitting on sofa drinking wine.]

Venessa: I already bought my wedding dress. So, I just needed a groom. I joined Settl and went on tons of okay dates. That’s how I met my Henry. [Henry walks in] He may drive a smart car but he’s a manager at Cutco and even has a 401K. We’re getting married in April which is before my sister.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Settl isn’t misleading like those other dating apps. It’s honest. For example, men are only allowed to upload their passport photos or ones they’ve been pretending to hold the leaning tower of Pisa. That way, we can’t focus on their looks.

[Kyle walks in]

Hi.

Kyle: Sorry, I’m late. I don’t have a car.

Leslie: Whatever.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: And, they guarantee the date because Settl won’t allow us to swipe left.

[Cut to Venessa and Henry]

Venessa: Because remember, it’s not giving up, it’s settling up.

[Henry and Venessa kiss awkwardly]

Female voice: Settl, tick tock.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Leslie: Would you like to have another glass of wine?

Kyle: Oh no, thank you. I’m usually in bed by now.

[The End]

Society Debut

Bowen Yang

Henry… Alex Moffatt

Bigfoot… JJ Watt

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a castle of London, England in 1918.]

Bowen: Henry, aren’t you nervous?

Henry: Do you doubt me?

Bowen: Of course not. But, in four months you’ve done the impossible. You’ve taken Bigfoot from the American wilds and taught him manners and how to comport himself in our society.

Henry: Well, I have to admit, it was a long road. But the past three days have gone perfectly. We play polo and bridge, and had one of his poems published in Ladies’ magazine.

Bowen: Um, you should be self-proud. And there he is.

[Cut to Bigfoot walking down the stairs. He is wearing suit.] [Cut to everybody]

Henry: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my student, Misui Gran Pied, also known as Bigfoot.

[Everybody looking at Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Charmed! I am Bigfoot.

Kenan: Ah! Bigfoot. Welcome to my party. Please enjoy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take care of some business.

Beck: Mr. Pied, would you like some champagne?

[Beck snaps his finger and calls for drinks]

I insist.

Bigfoot: Oh, how thoughtful. But I won’t be drinking this evening. You know what they say? After two drinks, I’m drunk. After three, I’m under the table. And after four, I would take you by either leg and rip you up the middle like a piece of chicken.

Beck: [laughing] I’ve never heard anyone say that. So charming. Good job, old chap!

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Um, Mr. Foot. May I have a picture with you? Do the pose with me.

[Cecily and Bigfoot pose by leaning forward and joining their hands]

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he’s genius. Hey, you must bring him to every party.

Henry: It’s a smashing success.

Bowen: Yes. He’s the toast of the town.

Kenan: He is. Now, if only we could figure out who deposited flocculant on the bathroom floor.

Beck: What was that old chap?

Kenan: Someone has excreciated excrecia on the bathroom floor.

Beck: I think I understand what you’re saying.

Kenan: Well, let me be clearer. He dropped the kids off at the pool but he left them in the parking lot. And it was just one very large kid.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Well, you know what they say. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Cecily: [laughing] I’m having a delightful time.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Professor, did you forget to teach him something?

Henry: Oh, come on! He speaks French. He plays the hop. You can’t tell me this is a big deal.

Bowen: Yes, but I feel like when people think of this party, this will be the thing they’ll remember.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Hey, hey. It sounds like whoever did this didn’t get something fully right. But actually, got pretty close. Maybe they should get credit for that.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Yes, very close. If we were playing golf, he may not have gotten the hole in one, but he definitely dropped on one the green.

Henry: Indeed. And if he gets the next one in, he’ll have a duce.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: Enough of this. Should we dance? Let’s dance.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: No! The lavatory is decimated. There’s a duke in there.

Cecily: Oh, my! Is he looking for a duchess?

Kenan: No. It is up to the sink, people! Do you understand? A maid is stuck in there.

[Cut to Bigfoot]

Bigfoot: No! I’m so sorry!

[Henry walks in]

Henry: Don’t do this! Don’t show your hand.

Bigfoot: I have to. I must.

[Bigfoot walks to the harp and starts playing it]

I’m sorry. I belong in the woods.

Bowen: Oh, don’t do this Mr. Pied.

Bigfoot: I’m not Mr. Pied. I’m Bigfoot. I’m a beast, an animal. I should be doing naked cartwheels under Secoyas, throwing snakes at the sky, popping up in cabin windows and freaking out teens who are trying to read Dickens and chill. I must go.

Cecily: Wait! [Cecily runs to Bigfoot] Bigfoot, I’m in love with you. I can’t explain it. I would leave everything behind for you. Take me.

Bigfoot: I’m taking her.

[Cecily climbs up on Bigfoot’s shoulder]

Bigfoot: And I’m taking this.

[Bigfoot takes the harp too]

Goodbye!

[Bigfoot and Cecily leave] [Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Beck: That was my wife.

[Cut to Bowen and Henry]

Bowen: Well, they’re happy.

Henry: That’s what matters.

[Cut to Beck and Kenan]

Kenan: It is indeed. No one has ever fallen in love at one of my parties. [Kenan raises his glass and walks forward] [The End]