Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Weekend Update Garage and Her on the Female Thor

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Garage… Kate McKinnon

Her… Sarah Silverman

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: This week, Marvel comics debut it’s latest character, female version of Thor, prompting a lot of controversy amongst comic book fans. And here to comment is the feminist music duo, Garage and Her.

[Garage and Her slide in with a guitar] [cheers and applause]

Garage: It’s pronounced Gara-Che, Michael.
Michael Che: Oh! And you’re Gara-Che?

Garage: Yes. Gara-Che. It means strength, in a Himalayan mountain language that I looked upon the internet.

Michael Che: And you’re Her?

Her: No, I’m me.

Michael Che: What have you been up to?

[Cut to Garage and Her

Her: Uh! We just finished our biggest tour ever.

Garage: It was one night. It was magical. And it was poorly attended.

[Cut to Garage, Michael Che and Her]

Michael Che: So, what do you think about this new female Thor character?

Her: Thor has always been a woman, Michael.

Garage: Anyone who has strength is a woman.

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Anyone who has courage is a woman.

Garage: And Michael, there are a lot more women out there than you think. Two, three, four…

[Garage starts playing guitar]

Garage and Her: The wind is a woman
the earth is a woman
fire is a woman
and the clouds are women too. 

the girl is a woman
a dog can be a woman
a baby is a lady
and a plant, a plant can have a boob

Garage: Take it, take it.

Her: You can be a woman
he show F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is a woman
garbanzo beans is a woman
and San Diego too

Garage: Jesus was a woman
Italians are woman
Walt Disney was a woman
and Pixar, Pixar has a pointed shoe

[Garage stops playing guitar]

Okay, stop. I have to change the key.

[Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: [pointing at what Her is holding] Is that even an instrument?

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Her: Yes, it’s a Chimone. It makes a really shuttle sound. Is this my– um, where is my microphone? It sounds like this. [Her makes chewing sound] [Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Her: And it grades cheese.

Michael Che: Oh!

Garage: And it is also a woman. Two, three, four…

[Cut to Garage and Her]

Garage and Her: The brand of cat food Adabi is a strong Christian woman
male gay is a mistress and aerobic’s cuba queen.

Garage: My guitar is a woman

Garage and Her: Bill Marr is a woman.
each tapeworm is a woman
and a woman, a woman is me.
and a woman, a woman is me.

[Garage stops playing guitar] [Cut to Michael Che, Her and Garage]

Michael Che: Garage and Her, everyone.

Garage: Michael Che, you’re a woman.

Michael Che: Thank you. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Garage: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.