Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on WXPD News title card ] Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ cut to news desk ]
 Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Herb: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?

Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.

Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?

[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?

Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.

Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?

[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]

Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.

Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]

Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.

Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: No, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.

Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.

[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ] [ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]

Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]

Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.

Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?

[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]

Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ] Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.

Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.

Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.

Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.

[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ] Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.

[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]

Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!

Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.

Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.

[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ] Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]

Co-Op President: I’m a woman.

Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.

[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.

[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.

Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.

Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]

Herb: Ah, get away from me.

Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Herb: That guy attacked me.

Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.

Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.

Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.

Herb: That woman is mean to me.

Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.

Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]

Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.

[ cut to news room ] Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —

[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]

Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —

[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ] [ cut back to Jack ] Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.

[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ] Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.

Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]

Cynthia: This man is awful —

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]

Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.

[ cut to news room ] Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.

Wanda: Can’t we fire him?

[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]

Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ] [ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]

Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ] [ cut to WXPD title card ]

Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally

Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again] [President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.] [Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]