Kate McKinnon
Beck Bennett
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[Starts with Kate passing her kids lunch boxes]Kate: There we go sweeties.
[the kids walk away.]I’m a mom. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t like to have fun.
[Cut to Beck driving children around]Beck: I drive a mini-van, but I can let loose a little too.
[Cut to Julia sitting with her kid]Julia: I wanna use heroine, but I also wanna get stuff done. That’s I reach for [showing the box] Heroine AM. The only non-drowsy heroin on the market so I can get jacked on scag and then get to work.
[Cut to Beck in the football field]Beck: When I’ve been called timeout to inject black tar heroin, there was almost stigma about it. But with Heroin AM, I’m almost more alert than if I weren’t on heroin.
[Cut to a video showing graphs]Female voice: Heroin use in America is steadily on the rise. But productivity among heroin users has remained stagnant.
[Cut to Kate]Kate: That’s why Heroin AM combines heroin with five milligrams of caffein and a small pile of cocaine.
[Cut to Julia]Julia: And now available in gummy bears which you can melt down and inject.
Female voice: Side effects include: It’s heroin, so all that stuff.
[Cut to Julia with her kid]Julia: So now I can chase a dragon while I also chase this little guy.
[playing with her son]I’m gonna get ya’.
[her son runs to his father]Dad: Wow, this might be the first afternoon mom doesn’t need a nap. [laughing] [Cut to Julia laughing] [Cut to Julia seeing her kid and her husband as monsters laughing] [Cut to Julia laughing like a mad person and her kid and husband looking at her concerned.]
Female voice: Heroin AM, from the makers of Cocaine PM.
[Cut to Julia on a driver’s seat]Julia: I went from nodding off to nodding yes to more heroin. [looking at the rear-view mirror] Now who’s ready for school?
[Cut to a bus full of kids]Kids: Yes!
[The End]