Aidy Bryant
Cameron Diaz
Kate McKinnon
Kyle Mooney
Beck Bennett
Kenan Thompson
Venessa Bayer
Taran Killam
[Starts with a plaque of Woodbridge High School Theater Showcase.]
[Cut to Aidy and Cameron]
Aidy: Welcome you guys to Woodbridge high school’s experimental theater showcase, written and directed by us, the students.
[Cut to the audience clapping]
[Cut to Aidy and Cameron]
Cameron: We are so proud to share our work with you on this gorgeous Tuesday at 2 pm.
Aidy: So, please close your eyes and then open them to enjoy the collection of moments, whispers of America.
[music is playing and other people are coming to the stage. One of them lie on the table.]
We are gathered here today for the funeral of…
Everybody: Main street.
Kate: I’m glad he’s dead. I’m Walmart.
Cameron: Me too. I’m McDonald’s.
Kyle: Me three. I’m the Give Me Now Culture.
Aidy: May he rest in peace. In the name of Procter and Gamble, GE and the holy time warner cable.
Everybody: Amen.
[music is playing and they are setting up their stage. They all stand on the boxes.]
Aidy: I want to feel beautiful.
Beck: You are beautiful.
Cameron: You are beautiful.
Beck: You are beautiful.
[Everybody pointing at the people in audience]
Everybody: You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are…
Aidy: Smart.
[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: Why are they moving those boxes around so much?
Venessa: I don’t know.
[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]
Kate: When you’re at Starbucks, do you even notice who’s around you? Or is your mind only on one thing?
Everybody: Coffee! Coffee! Cup! Cup!
Kate: Look up! See the people of America. A little girl.
Cameron: He-he-he-he! Mommy!
Kate: A barista.
Aidy: Shhhh! Latte, order up!
Kate: An old man on a wheelchair.
Taran: Heyyyyy! I’m sick.
Kate: So, next time you’re at Starbucks, why don’t order a double shot of compassion.
[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: So, which one’s your daughter?
Venessa: I rather not say.
[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]
Kyle: Meanwhile, at any hospital in America.
Beck: Yes, yes, I think that will be fine.
Aidy: Excuse me, doctor.
Cameron: I’m the doctor! He’s the nurse.
Aidy, Cameron and Beck: Wow!
[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: They moved all those boxes for that? That scene was like three words.
Venessa: You know, this is my first time seeing a play and I think I’m done.
[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]
Cameron: I wrote a scene for this part of the show but it was …
Everybody: Censored.
Cameron: Because I couldn’t say the word…
Everybody: Censored.
Cameron: About the …
Everybody: Censored.
Cameron: So, I guess you’ll never hear because I was…
Everybody: Censored.
[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: What? They built a pyramid out of those boxes and they didn’t even use it.
Venessa: I just hate that they think that they’re teaching us.
[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]
[Kyle is singing Battle Hymn of the Republic in the background]
Taran: Dear Margaret, I’ve decided not to come home from war. I’ve decided to fight so that one day our daughter’s daughter can spend all day on the internet.
Everybody: I pledge your allegiance to aware.
[music is playing and they are making a line.]
[Music stops. They all bow.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: Oh! Thank goodness, we’re free.
[Cut to the stage.]
Cameron: It’s not the first to seven intermissions.
Aidy: Please, stay seated because we will be walking around in character.
[Music is playing. The characters are now moving going to the audience.]
[Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]
Kenan: Why? Why?