Weekend Update Trump Claims Police Cried at His Arrest Biden Downplays Pentagon Documents Leak

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jack DeShara.]

The person who allegedly leaked classified Pentagon documents on social media has been identified as Jack DeShara who is a Massachusetts Air National Guardsmen, I assume in a school play. DeShara shared the document in a private social media group that members say started as a place where young men could play war themed video games, bond over their love of guns and post racist memes. And now it’s ruined. It was revealed that just before his arrest, DeShara a contacted the members of his group and said “Guys, it’s been good. I love you all.” And of course his friends all replied, “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Discord logo.]

Michael Che: The online group DeShara started was named “Thug Shaker Central”. Thug Shaker Central is also what Colin calls Atlanta.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

President Biden is trying to downplay the recent leak of classified US documents that were posted on social media. Because when you’re over 80, a couple of leaks is nothing to be embarrassed about.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Colin Jost: In the interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying?

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: People came to me and they saw me and they were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: Very tough, very strong, very powerful men. They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They had tears in their eyes, and they were all crying. Everybody was crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: People were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: They were crying.

[Cut to another video]

Donald Trump: These are people that didn’t cry when they were babies. They never cried in their life, and they were crying. A lot of them were crying.

[Cut back to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Sir, you’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears. Because it never sounds like excited crying, like when teenagers see like BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “States stock pile abortion pill”.]

Michael Che: After a judge’s ruling left access to abortion pills uncertain, some state officials are stockpiling them just in case. Officials like California Governor Gavin Newsom, Massachusetts governor Maura Healy and New York comedian Michael Che.

[PIcture changes to Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

After it was revealed that Harlan Crowe bought Clarence Thomas home, Crowe said he did it so he could one day turn it into a museum dedicated to Thomas. It’ll be called “The Sexual Harassment Hall of Fame.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Harlan Crowe and Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: Conservative judges and pundits have defended Thomas by saying that his deals with Harlan Crowe are not corrupt because crow had no business before the court. But come on, does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe V. Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called “Why you have to keep it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden traveled to Ireland this week and as being called the most Irish president since Kennedy. In fact, Biden has so much Irish blood that he doesn’t need a drink to slur his words.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dianne Feinstein.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Easy. Senator Dianne Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow Democrats. But unfortunately Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tim Scott.]

Michael Che: Republican Senator Tim Scott of South Carolina announced the launch of an exploratory committee for 2024 presidential run. That name again is Tim Scott, as in Tim Scott, no chance of being a nominee.

Weekend Update- Punxsutawney Phil on Seeing His Shadow

Michael Che

Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.

Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?

Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]

Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.

Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.

Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.

Michael Che: You jog?

Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?

Michael Che: No.

Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.

Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?

Michael Che: What NPR thing?

Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?

Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?

Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.

Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.

Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.

Michael Che: Oh man.

Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.

Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.

Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.

Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.

Weekend Update- Jose Suarez on His Goal to Be the First Latino-American President

Colin Jost

Jose Suarez… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Exit polls from this year’s midterms show that Latinos were a larger share of the electorate than ever before. Here to tell us why he was inspired to one day run for President is Jose Suarez.

[Cheers and applause]

Jose Suarez: Thank you. Buenos noches, Colin. Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Jose. So do you think of yourself as a Republican or a Democrat?

Jose Suarez: I’m, uh, just happy to be here, Colin. Everybody complaining all the time about everything. Guess what? It’s fine. Everything is basically fine. And that’s going to be my campaign slogan. “Jose Suarez – everything is basically fine. So relax, okay? It’s fine.”

Colin Jost: Wow, well, that is a refreshing outlook.

Jose Suarez: Yes, exactly, Colin. What do people complain about anyway? “My gas is too expensive.” News flash ever heard of legs? My mother walked almost 100 miles to work every day, and her left leg didn’t work. She had to pull it.

Colin Jost: That doesn’t make any sense.

Jose Suarez: And inflation, Colin. Everybody complain inflation is so bad. The price of milk is too high. How about just don’t drink milk? Who’s even complaining about the price of milk? The babies? Do you drink milk, Colin?

Colin Jost: I mean, maybe just a warm glass before bed.

[Jose Suarez makes his disgusted face]

Jose Suarez: And the WiFi, Colin. Everybody complain, “Ooh, the WiFi, it’s too slow. The WiFi. My poor, little WiFi.”

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s a major complaint.

Jose Suarez: Growing up in Cuba, Colin, there was no WiFi. It was only “Why (Wi of Wi-Fi).” “W is it so hot?” “Why did the power go out?” “Why is the president taking all our stuff?” Colin, if you want something in America, you press a button on your phone and Jeff Bezos send it to your house. What are we complaining about?

Colin Jost: Can we go back a second? You were born in Cuba? Well, then, you can’t run for president, right?

Jose Suarez: I don’t think anybody really gonna care about that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure they are, but let’s just talk about some of your positions. Like, what are your thoughts on Roe v. Wade?

Jose Suarez: Well, I say Roe (row) if you can, but if you don’t have a boat, you’re gonna have to wait (Wade). I’m just kidding, Colin. I’m just kidding. All I know is, if I am the president, every mother gonna get one chancleta.

Colin Jost: And what is a chancleta, Jose?

Jose Suarez: [mocking] “And what is a chancleta, Jose?” It’s a sandal, Colin.

Colin Jost: And what is a mother going to do with one sandal?

Jose Suarez: You never know. That’s the scary part. Sometimes they don’t even have to use it. They just show it, send a message, and then put it away. “What did you say to me? That’s what I thought.”

Colin Jost: Alright. Chancleta. I will remember that. My one year old has been acting up. So, Jose, what is your final message to the American people?

Jose Suarez: That we should all be grateful, Colin. This is a great country and I think we need to remember how lucky we really are.

Colin Jost: That’s true. Although, it does seem like you’re kind of ignoring some pretty real problems in the country.

Jose Suarez: [showing his sandal] What did you say to me, Colin?

Colin Jost: [laughing] No, nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Jose Suarez: That’s what I thought.

Colin Jost: Jose Suarez, everyone.

Jose Suarez: Vote Jose! God bless Miami.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on His Spiritual Awakening

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With Disney+’s new Obi Wan Kenobi series on the way, it’s a great time to be a Star Wars fan. Here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: I love you, man. Che! What? Ooh!

Michael Che: What’s up, Baby Yoda? I love you too. How’s life? You got a new vibe.

Baby Yoda: Life is all good Michael. Real good. Season three, man no coming up, blah blah blah. Work, work, work. [making noise] Yeah, it is very enlightening time for me because actually, I’m spiritual now.

Michael Che: That’s right. You studied the ways of the Force, right?

Baby Yoda: Okay, relax nerd. You know when an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Michael Che: Yeah sure.

Baby Yoda: Yeah so, I basically did that with a bunch of pills and weed. And instead of a spiritual guide walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the AUX cable, and I saw God, I was like, “Oh, snap!”

Michael Che: God. Well, it sounds like a great time. Just make sure you stay safe, man.

Baby Yoda: No, I don’t tell me what to do. But yeah, I’m feeling really peaceful these days. Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy guacamole. Even got a little community going, very old mindful individuals. Yeah. So, me, Jared Leto, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder and Tila Tequila.

Michael Che: Sounds like a good crew dude.

Baby Yoda: Yes, of course. But look, I love everyone man. Even my haters.

Michael Che: Really? Because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, that’s true, but I’m older now. And I just want to say, baby Groot, I know we had our issues. But I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don’t like you. Next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you while I’m in the hot tub with your girl. That being said, I love you. And I always got your back.

Michael Che: What?

Baby Yoda: Come on, man. I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- The Devil on His Latest Accomplishments

Colin Jost

The devil… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the news these past few years has been pretty bleak. And it seems to be continuing in that direction. Here to comment is the devil.

[The Devil slides in] [cheers and applause]

The Devil: Good to see you, Colin. How are you, Michael? Yes! Alright. What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s just great to see you, Devil. We haven’t seen you in four or five years.

The Devil: Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby. Yeah. Last few years have been pretty good for the devil here.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, congratulations. What are you been working on lately?

The Devil: Oh, man. So many little side projects. Earthquakes. Got some killer storms. Instagram for kids. Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and the climate. Climate! Come on! Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been making things up here feel more like where I’m from. That’s all. You ever been to Florida? That’s not that different from hell. It’s basically pre hell. It’s people in their Colin Jost00s and the temperatures are also in their Colin Jost00s. It’s where I beta test a lot of new ideas, okay? Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup ride. Love for it. Love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It must be fun. Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

The Devil: Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also in the sports. Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in sports. I mean, you saw that the Astros won. They shouldn’t have. [smiles and points at himself] Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady still going strong, right? I actually keep his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

Colin Jost: Handsome guy, still.

The Devil: Oh, yeah. He still got it. He still got it going on. Absolutely.

Colin Jost: I appreciate you coming by to explain all this.

The Devil: Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually glad to get out of hell for a minute. Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns off. You know, I actually got to build a new– [phone ringing] Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn– It’s my phone. Sorry! Sorry! Ah! Prince Andrew. Again. Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my phone up all the time. All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re coming out of you know– I look pretty good though.

Colin Jost: Alright. I know that looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but–

The Devil: Not me. Not me. I’m a street creed.

Colin Jost: Is there anything else that you’d like to take credit for?

The Devil: Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me. I invented vaping. I’m proud of that one. Well, you know when you’re trying to read an article online and the ad at the top gets real big and takes up half the screen no matter how much you scroll and is still there? Me!

Colin Jost: That’s a great one. Great work. And I just have to ask, what about Qanon. Was that you?

The Devil: Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are crazy. A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking satan worshipping paedophiles exist. It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good name into your sick fantasy. Alright? You take that back right now. You take it back, Colin. Okay? Or else I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlett, okay?

Colin Jost: That’s not what happened.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate. Not accurate

The Devil: It is true. I don’t know who screwed her more. You or Disney. Baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: Wow.

The Devil: True.

Colin Jost: You’re pretty worked up.

The Devil: Yeah! I am. I’ve just been working a ton. I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job and sometimes I gotta relax, okay? And this year– I’m gonna blush now. I got the greatest lap dance of my life. True. That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

Colin Jost: The Devil, everyone.

The Devil: I hacked Michael Che.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.