Tag: Holiday

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]

[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.

Weekend Update- Mary Anne Louise Fischer on Holiday Shopping

Michael Che

Mary Ann Louise Fisher… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us and here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever. Mary Ann Louise Fisher.

[Mary Ann Louise Fisher slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Hello, Michael. Hey, hey. We got about three minutes to do this. I still got seven stores to hit on this block.

Michael Che: Wow. So you’ve been pretty busy.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I’m one to 27 children’s, so I got a lot of shopping to do. And I need to do it fast and I need to do to crazy. You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress For Less?

Michael Che: Yes, that place is a wreck. I mean most of the merchandise is on the ground.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Yeah, that’s me, Michael. That’s all me. Every single Ross, that’s me.

Michael Che: So you’re single handedly trashing all the Ross’s.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: You’ve ever tripped over a pair of Billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children’s teapot? That was me, Michael.

Michael Che: But why mess everything up?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Power, Michael. I need to leave my mark. And sometimes to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor.

Michael Che: All right, well, you’re here to give us some holiday shopping tips. Right?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: That’s correct. Tip number one. Get you one of these. [pulls out a neck brace and wears it] Did you know anyone can buy a neck brace? You don’t even have to go to a doctor. These things make people stay out of your way. They think you’re wounded. But only you know your neck is strong as hell. Now, Michael, guess how much all the Santa plates were?

Michael Che: Wait, what?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay? All right? Now guess how much this shirt was?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe…

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: $3. Okay. You want me to show you how I got it?

Michael Che: Sure.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, so hold this. [gives Michael Che the shirt] And pretend you’re a customer looking at it.

Michael Che: Well, ain’t this a lovely blouse.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: [snatches the shirt from Michael Che’s hands] Give me that damn shirt. That was in my basket.

Michael Che: Alright, well that was intense. I see how that works for you. But like you have any other tips.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Tip number two. If your blood sugar drops, JC Penney got nuggets.

Michael Che: What?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: JC Penney got chicken nuggets. All you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss and the manager will find you some nuggets. Okay?

Michael Che: Are you alright?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: No, Michael, what the hell are you talking about? I know too much. I seen too much. It’s a warzone out there. And I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom Iraq.

Michael Che: Nordstrom Rack is just a department store. It’s not that serious.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: Okay, you have no idea Michael. I’m the one out here on his front lines. Now my third and final tip, and I shouldn’t have to say this. But if you can be black, because if you’re white acting like this, someone will take a video and you will lose your job. You see Michael? There is no such thing as a black Karen. See, I could slap the hell out of you right now and nobody was saying a word. My job is safe.

Michael Che: What do you even do for work?

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I sue the city. The city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks.

Michael Che: Mary Ann Louise Fisher, everybody.

Mary Ann Louise Fisher: I got you some gift, it’s some jeans.

Michael Che: No, I’m good.

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!

 

Kyles Holiday

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Punkie Johnson

Billie Eilish

Mikey Day

[Starts with Punkie and Aidy chatting at their office]

Aidy: I know it’s like what do I get my dad for Christmas?

Punkie: Buying presents is the worst.

Aidy: Yes, so stressful.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Totally. And what’s up with Santas clothes? Like you might want to update that wardrobe. Right?

Aidy: Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Question for you. What are you all doing for Christmas? Should we do something together? That’d be kinda weird and cool.

Aidy: Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Punkie: Yeah, this is family for me.

Kyle: Ah! Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Aidy: Okay.

Kyle: God bless us. Everyone. Tiny Tom, or it’s not Tiny Tom– Thompson.

Aidy: No.

[Kyle walks away and looks back at Aidy and Punkie talking to each other. He feels lonely]

[Cut to Bowen getting ready. Kyle walks to him]

Kyle: Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Bowen: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: What you do for Xmas?

Bowen: Oh, my parents are flying in.

Kyle: Well, if the plane crashes or anything, I’ll just be in the city.So, hit me up.

Bowen: Jesus!

Kyle: Remember, don’t be naughty. Oh, oh!

[Kyle turns around and makes a sad face. He feels lonely]

[Cut to Jacob writing his page. Kyle walks to him.]

Kyle: Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you get to spend Christmas with me. I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet. But I’m surprisingly down to hang with people like you.

Jacob: Oh, I actually can’t. I’m going upstate.

Kyle: But I’m on the cast.

[Kyle turns around and starts crying. He feels lonely]

Jacob: Are you crying?

Kyle: No, no, no. [sobbing] I was just thinking how cool it is that Santa does it all in one night? Guy is a monster.

[Kyle walks away]

[singing]

Just another Christmas

[Billy Eilish joins]

Kyle and Billy: Alone

Billy: Wow. Kyle, you’re a great singer.

Kyle: I know. They don’t know how to use me on the show. And no one’s spending Christmas with. Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I shouldn’t be alive.

Billy: Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t just about where you are on December 25. It’s about the love that surrounds you every day. I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy here at 30 Rock.

Kyle: Yeah. I guess you’re right.

Billy: So go ahead. Who brings Christmas joy into your life?

Kyle: Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He still calls me Beck Bennett. I can tell that his heart is definitely in the right place. And no one’s better than Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny. They’ve got this really great bit going when they just don’t follow me on Instagram. Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough being the handsome guys on show. The tablets just won’t leave us alone. I guess everyone here brings me joy. Except maybe Mikey Day. I really don’t like him. I think he’s fake? I have a fantasy where I catch them on a ride at night alone. Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

[Cut to Kyle picturing him tying up Mikey]

Mikey: Kyle?

Kyle: You guessed it.

[Cut back to Kyle and Billie]

Kyle:  I throw him in the closet, kick them around a little bit. Pour some gasoline on him just to mess with him. And I go on his computer change all the Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s and then look at me, I’m the star of the show. So yeah, to answer your question, it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Billy: Holy fuck!

Kyle: Thanks for the help, Billy. And Merry Christmas.

[Kyle walks away. Mikey is walking by]

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes man.

Mikey: Thanks. Hey Billy, how’s it going?

Billy: Run. Quit the show. You’re not safe.

[Kyle is peeking at Mikey from the corner]

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Max Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update- Landis Trotter on Holiday Gifting

Michael Che

Landis Trotter… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Christmas is approaching and most of us still have shopping to do. Here to share her holiday gift guide is Instagram influencer, Landis Trotter.

[Landis Trotter slides in]

Landis Trotter: Yes. Hey, Michael. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on Update real quick and say hi.

Michael Che: So, on Instagram, you have half a million followers and you’re here today with your holiday gift guide?

Landis Trotter: Yes. Everything I’m sharing with you today are just my favorite products and go-tos. No sponsored ads.

Michael Che: Great. What do you recommend as a present for a romantic partner? I know a lot of people could use help with that.

Landis Trotter: Oh, yes. I mean, a lot of guys are totally out to see. But last Christmas, my now fiancé, Mark, totally nailed it. He said, “Go, look under the tree.” And I saw a box. And I was like, “Mark?” And he was like, “Open it.” And inside the box was Private Banking from Merrill Lynch. [an ad of Merrill Lynch bank appears at the corner.] As life of all, Merrill Lynch is changing the way we look at retirement. Use code “OLDPEEPLE” for free shipping.

Michael Che: So, you’re recommending concierge retirement banking for romantic gift. This seems like an ad.

Landis Trotter: No. Merrill Lynch is thoughtful and responsible. And it’s– Oh! @MerryllLynch.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what gift do you recommend for moms?

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Moms are so hard to shop for. I mean, specially mine. She’s like, really classy. But I do know she loves anything cinnamon and nutmeg. She’s always like, “The spice must flow.” That’s why this holiday season, I partnered with a movie “Dune” at HBO MAX. From the mind of Frank Herbert and visionary director Denis Villeneuve. Use code “SANDWORM” and check out for 5% off Dune.

Michael Che: So, you think people should buy “Dune” for their momes?

Landis Trotter: I do. I do. I use it everyday. It changed my life.

Michael Che: Alright. Well Landis, I still haven’t got anything for my boss and I love to get him something from a small business.

Landis Trotter: Okay. Well, my next gift is small and local. I’m giving my boss Hitachi Healthcare Xray imaging. No one should have to wonder what their bones look like.

Michael Che: Landis, come on. Wholesale Xray equipment for my boss?

Landis Trotter: I know. But I have to say that because they give me the money.

Michael Che: So, these are all ads?

Landis Trotter: Yes. [in soft voice] For me to get money and free stuff and brag to people I went to high school with that I’m doing good and that I grew up pretty and I’m a money maker now.

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry, Landis. I think you’re great, personally.

Landis Trotter: Really, Michael?

Michael Che: So great that this Christmas morning, you deserve a sizzling patty of Jimmy Dean sausage.

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Is that an ad?

Michael Che: Yes. Use code “JIMMYCHE” for 1% off.

Landis Trotter: 1%? Michael, that’s what I want to be.

Michael Che: Landis Trotter, everybody.

Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]

Kristen Wiig 2020 Holiday Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I consider this home and it is so nice to be home for the holidays. [cheers and applause] Many of you know, I used to work here. I was employee of the month three times. It’s a little bit of a brag. I am happy to say this is the last show of 2020. Yes. What an icky year it has been. But it hasn’t been all that bad. I had twins. [cheers and applause] Yes. Which I find out is two of the same baby. But it has been a hard year. But the good news is on New Year’s day, 2021, everything goes completely back to normal. What? It doesn’t? Oh! Okay. Well, you could have told me that before the show. Glen, look at me. My assistance Glen is here and I think he knows he’s in trouble. Anyway, until then, when I am feeling down, I like to sing one of my favorite Christmas songs about some of my favorite things. Can I get a stool? [music playing] No? Glen, we’re going to have a meeting tonight. I know it’s Christmas, but this isn’t working out. Alright, let’s start the song. I think you all know the words.

[singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
whiskers on babies and babies on buildings
long beards on babies and mittens with wings
these are a few of my favorite things

jackets on ponies and bread on baloneys
hawk and shalhoub are my two favorite Tonys
going to court dressed like lord of the rings
these are a few of my favorite things

When the tree falls, when the bee stings
and the other bee stings
i simply remember I’m allergic to bees
and then I don’t feel my legs

[Maya Rudolph walks in]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Kristen.

Kristen Wiig: Maya. Truthfully, being on stage with you is one of my favorite things.

Maya Rudolph: Me too, buddy. But I notice that some of the lyrics in your song were incorrect and didn’t make any sense. Do you mind if I sing the real ones?

Kristen Wiig: Oh, no. Please. By all means.

Maya Rudolph: Thank you.

[singing] Pop rocks and hot dogs and mustard on ladies
musical improv of Mr. Wayne Brady
sitting quite nude on an exercise bike
these are just some of the things that I like

Kristen Wiig: When my dog sits

Maya Rudolph: On the ceiling

Kristen Wiig: Coz he’s being bad

Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph: I simply remember my favorite things 
and then I will kiss your dad

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, guys.

Kristen Wiig: Oh my godl

Maya Rudolph: Kurt Cobain.

Kristen Wiig: Kurt McKurtain.

Kate McKinnon: It’s okay. It happens all the time. I’m sorry to interrupt but those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: Huh?

Maya Rudolph: Say what?

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I was in the laderhosen choir as a child. So, let me do this. These are the actual real words. Okay?

[singing] Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

Kristen Wiig: Whoa! Whoa! I’m sorry. You have a beautiful singing voice. But those words were crazy.

Maya Rudolph: That’s not cool.

Kristen Wiig: That’s not cool, what you just did.

Maya Rudolph: It’s not okay.

Kristen Wiig: No. Cream colored ponies?

Maya Rudolph: I’m just going say it. That sounds racist.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. I don’t know if I’m allowed to agree with you but I do.

Maya Rudolph: Yes, you do. Coz it’s racist!

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Maya Rudolph: I can’t believe you would say those things in front of Santa.

Kristen Wiig: And he’s up in show tonight. He is a guest of Lorn’s.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Those are the words.

Maya Rudolph: No, no. The way the song works is you say your own favorite things.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Because these times are so crazy that we’re in and your favorite things are going to get a little crazier too.

Kate McKinnon: Okay. I get it. Now, let’s do that again. Thank you.

[singing] Beef empanadas and beef chimichangas
pork empanadas and a pork chimichangas
chicken fajitas and chicken tacos
these are a few of my favorite though

Maya Rudolph: Much better.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Much better. Kate, are you hungry?

Kate McKinnon: No. Opposite. I’m very full. I was just listing everything that I just ate.

Kristen Wiig: Well, I love singing with you both. What do you say we take this home?

All: [singing] When the dog bites, ou, it bit me,
please arrest that dog
I simply remember my favorite things
and you two are two of my favorite things
good bye 2020, you really did sink
and now I don’t feel so bad

Kristen Wiig: We have a great show for you tonight. Dua Lipa is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.