Stories from the Show- SNL At Home

[Starts with different videos of news reporting about “SNL At Home.”]

Man: Getting to laugh his weekend, tune in to SNL. It is going remote.

[Cut to another news]

Man: Saturday Night Live returns with all new episode from home.

[Cut to another news]

Woman: It’s going to be fascinating to see them in their element in their home.

[Cut to another news]

Man: I can’t wait to see how they pull that off.

[Cut to Pete Davidson at home.]

Pete Davidson: Initially, I was like, “Oh, man. This is going to suck.” [laughing] [Cut to “Stories From The Show- And SNL Series” video bumper.] [Cut to the ending of Daniel Craig’s SNL episode.] [audience cheering]

Daniel Craig: I’m Daniel Craig. This has been Saturday Night Live. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Cut to Mikey Day at home.]

Mikey Day: That last show, it didn’t feel like, we wouldn’t be coming back. There was no indication that that would kind of be out live show season finale.

[Cut to Pete Davidson.]

Pete Davidson: I think I got an email that was just sent to everybody and they were like, “Hey, we’re going to do it at home now.

[Cut to Mikey Day.]

Mikey Day: I remember being a little perplexed as to how we would do it.

[Cut to Anna Drezen at home.]

Anna Drezen: SNL’s so much chaos. So, one sort of grounding force we have is the audience.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim at home.]

Ego Nwodim: We do a multi cam live sketch show. So, we feed off of the studio audience.

[Cut to a part of a news sketch ‘Mid-Day News’ with Phoebe Waller-Bridge.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Whooow!

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan and Ego doing high-five.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson at home.]

Kenan Thompson: The show has always been at 8H. We’ve always done it at 30 Rock.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: But if everyone else is in, I am in and I’m excited. Coz what else am I doing? I’m home.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: This equipment would arrive at our house. And we’d be like, “What is this? I guess there’s a sketch involving a green screen.” [Cut to Mikey Day fixing camera and his green screen] So, now we have a green screen.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the first show, we did a Zoom table read.

[Cut to SNL Table Read show.]

Kenan: I hope you guys enjoy our table read here and we’ll see what we come up with on Saturday. This is crazy.

[Cut to Ego Ngodim}

Ego Nwodim: And one of the sketches we read at the table was the dating show.

[Cut to Beck Bennett from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

Beck Bennett: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The most surreal moment, there was a dating show. I got up and stood on the side of my little computer area waiting for my cue as they were doing the sketch on Zoom. And it feels kind of like, the normal show, you’re waiting for your cue.

[Cut to Mikey Day from the sketch “How Low Will You Go?”]

I just remember having a distinct moment thinking like, “I will remember this forever.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner setting up the equipments at her home.]

Heidi Gardner: You’re setting up a ring light and the green screen and all these things that you don’t usually do. So, then by the time you’re shooting the thing, you’re just overwhelmed.

[Cut to Anna Drezen]

Anna Drezen: It was also crazy because our first show back, Hal Willner died.I just like, can’t picture working on the sketch without talking to him. It was very difficult.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: This was challenging. It was hard but we were in it together. And that was really nice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang at home]

Bowen Yang: For the SoulCycle sketch, my next door neighbor yelled lines in response to my lines.

[Cut to Bowen Yang from the sketch SoulCycle from home.]

Bowen Yang in sketch: It’s crazy to think that people can be watching this anywhere from Los Angeles to California.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I heard my neighbor say, “Los Angeles is in California.” Like, they didn’t get that I was shooting a sketch. I knocked on their door. I was just like, “We’re shooting this thing. I apologize. It won’t happen again.” But maybe it will happen again in two weeks.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: The first thin I did was I did the Drake song and the Andre 2000 song. It was super weird. We would go outside and dance in the middle of the street. And then like, my neighbor would come and get his mail and just look up. And I’d be like, [smiling] “SNL at home. Ha-ha-ha.”

I had this other song that I was working on that I just on a whim sent to Sandler, and he ended up liking it. And then, he was just like, “I’m gonna do a verse on this.” And I was like, “Holy [bleep]. This is crazy.” And that is, by far, my favorite SNL moment that I’ve ever had for sure.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: It got better as the weeks went on.

[Cut to a sketch “FaceTime with Rudd”]

Mandy: Hello?

Paul Rudd: Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah. Mandy.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner.]

Heidi Gardner: I guess slowly, things just stopped being as overwhelming.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: And then the second one, we cranked it up a notch because now we had time to send wigs out and send costumes and it was obvious in that second episode.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I guess one of the best part was how our families got involved. My 7-year-old son, he would be in our read through.

[Cut to SNL cast having Zoom meeting. Mikey Day’s son is with him.]

Mikey Day on meeting: It’s hard on them too.

Mikey Day’s son: Like this bitch knows anything.

[everyone laughing] [Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: We worked on this dad prank sketch.

[Cut to clips from the sketch ‘Dad Prank.’]

I wrote him a thank you. Right now, it’s just kind of annoying to have to go up and shoot and stuff. But when you’re older, I think you’ll think it’s pretty cool that you got to be a part of this show.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Watching my daughter watch herself in my intro on the show, she was just beaming. She just couldn’t stop smiling. I mean, I could have cried watching that.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his daughters waving ‘bye’ at the camera] To see what you do immediately impact your child like that, that was a very touching moment.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: At home episodes sort of felt like, we got a job to do here. And it just sort of felt like an experimental thing.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Specially when Brad Pitt said it like, “Live–

[Cut to sketch with Brand Pitt.]

Brad Pitt: — kinda’, from all across America, it’s Saturday Night.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: It’s like, “Okay, we’re getting a glimpse into an invincibility with this show.” Like, whether we do it at 30 Rock or not, I think we can figure out a way to get it done.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: For the “Dreams” sketch, I didn’t know what everyone else was doing.

[Cut to Kent Sublette at home]

Kent Sublette: I had been reading an article about  COVID dreams and how intense they were to people and I’d had some myself. So, I started to think what would it like to see dreams of the cast? What they miss and you know, maybe we all sort of miss about New York?”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: The director Paul Birganti directed over Zoom.

[Cut to Paul Birganti directing over Zoom.]

Paul Birganti: And action!

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen: We did a read through of it. After we finished it, all of us just looked at each other’s little tiles on Zoom and we were silent. And then I remember breaking the silence by being like, “I hope everyone has a good summer.”

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Seeing the city and us being digitally put into the city was kind of bitter sweet and sad, but at the same time uplifting, seeing us all together again.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I guess we just never thought that we would get to a point where we wouldn’t be able to have New York, walk in Time Square, be bumped into on 5th Avenue or any of that. It was very emotional.

[Cut to Bowen Yang.]

Bowen Yang: The show was a nice reminder that this was still possible. That it was still possible to sort of be there for each other, even though we were so seperate.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Getting to watch that episode from the comfort of my home in New York made me feel so connected to the city.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: Coming off the elevator Saturday night and seeing a neighbor who was like, “Are you going to watch your show?” And I was like, “Yeah. Are you going to watch it?”

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: I am waiting for us to be able to get back in 30 Rock. Oh, man. I wish I could get a goodnight’s hug right now.

[Cut to Bowen Yang]

Bowen Yang: I can’t wait to go back. I can’t wait to go back and see everybody.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: I’m really like, grateful that we had those three shows. I won’t forget and I’m appreciative to have been a part of it.

[Cut to a clip of SNL casts on Zoom meeting.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: What I want to say is we’ll get through this thing together but we’ll also come out on the other side with a little more compassion and appreciation for our world that we live in, you know? Show some more love to each other, show some more love to our planet. That’s all I can hope for. Peace.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump’s Valet Tests Positive for Coronavirus

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Micahel Che in their home]

Colin Jost: Welcome to the last Weekend Update Home Edition, we think. I’m Colin Jost. ne.

Micahel Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. A personal Valet who handles president Trump’s meals has tested positive for the coronavirus. The news was first reported on CNN while the anchors tried not to smile. Trump also traveled to Arizona to visit a factory making respirator masks and you’re totally going to believe this, he didn’t wear a mask. He did however wear goggles for some reason. And I gotta say, he looks special. He looks like they talked him out of wearing a cape. I’m not saying the virus started in a laboratory, but if it did, it was a guy who looked like this who snuck in at night to pet the bats.

Micahel Che: Look. Obviously, this pandemic has been tough for everybody. I lost my grandmother. Colin, you lost J. Crew. Everything’s changing so fast. But what if this is my last time on TV? That sounds dramatic but I got a whole summer to survive. I mean, not just the virus, I got to worry about the police. You know, 40 people were arrested in New York for not social distancing and 35 of them were black, four were hispanic and only one was white. I guess white people are harder to catch coz they’re all greased up in sunscreen at Central Park, right Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m not ready to joke about J Crew yet. Tara Reade, the woman who accused Joe Biden of sexual assault is calling on him to drop out of the race. Replied Biden, “Wait, I’m still on the race?”

I don’t know whether the allegations against Joe Biden are true and I’m not sure Joe Biden does either. He probably has an easier time remembering Tara Reade if her name was like, Waffle Fries Johnson. What I do know is this is a really good argument for a female president. Like, you’ll never hear about Angela Merkel just grabbing some dude’s crotch. And if she did, it would be with a consent at a bdsm club in Dusseldorf.

Micahel Che: I mean, it’s just too much for me to worry about. You know, two white men in Georgia shot a black man for jogging in their neighborhood, Colin. Jogging! Said he looked suspicious. Look, I don’t want to brag, but I live in a very, very, very white neighborhood. And I spent so much of my time trying not to look suspicious to white neighbors. It’s exhausting. I don’t even feel comfortable wearing mask in public coz I feel it’s entrapment. But even I can’t think of something less suspicious in a white neighborhood than jogging. Except maybe tinkering on a trans am listening to Whitesnake or walking a toddler on a leash. I mean, what else can we do?

Colin Jost: Axl Rose from Guns N’ Roses got into a twitter feud with Steve Mnuchin over administration’s coronavirus response. And no matter what your politics are, I think we can all agree that’s the dumbest sentence to ever count as news. Mnuchin attacked Axl Rose writinge “What have you done for this country?” Well, what Axl Rose did for this country was, his band tried to win the war on drugs by doing all the cocaine themselves.

Micahel Che: And Colin, now they got murder hornets coming out. Did you hear about the murder hornets? So, let me get this straight. I got to try to survive this summer, the coronavirus, the police, basic cardio and now big ass murder hornets? Is this real life or am I on “American Ninja Warrior?” Why do I feel like I’m living in the old testament? Look, if I get murdered by giant hornets, that’s just on me, man. I had it coming. Okay? I guess that just serves me, right? Call it karma. But Colin, just don’t tell my parents or wikipedia that the hornets got me. Just say it was the police orr I was masturbating with a belt and miscalculate the timing or something. Anything else to save me some dignity. Coz I can’t let history know me as that.

Colin Jost: The New YOrk subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir.

Kristen Wiig At-Home Monologue

Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Kristen Wiig waking up in her bed.]

Kristen Wiig: What? Me? Host? Now? [smiles] Okay.

[Kristen goes away from camera and comes back in all dressed up in just a second]

Let’s do this.

[music playing] [Kristen Wiig is dancing in her home.]

You want some biscuits with this tea? [showing her breasts] Let’s start the show.

[Kristen gets on the floor. There are candles everywhere]

I got down on this floor because I wanted to get serious. This is the Mother’s Day show. And at SNL, it’s very special time to celebrate moms. Unfortunately, probably like a lot of you, I can’t be with my mom on this mother’s day. So, I hope it’s okay. I’d like to tell her I love her and send her good luck. She’s in competition over Zoom right now, and mom, I hope you win. She actually sent a picture.

[Cut to a picture of a body building woman with Kristen Wiig’s face.] [Cut back to Kristen Wiig]

People say we look alike but I don’t see it. You know, I’ve been thinking lately. I don’t know if I truly appreciated my mom the first 45 years of my life. But this year, I’m feeling specially grateful. Her advice, her love, I’m so thankful for all the things she’s taught me preparing me to be a mom myself. Things like breastfeeding. [shows two pieces of chicken breasts] Babies love that chicken. She would always say that.

So, I do want to thank my mom and all the moms out there who have been helping us get through this and who have been there and who are watching over us. We thank you so much. Happy mother’s day. Thank you moms. And thank you, dads.

Now, I would like to finish this off by– It’s actually something kind of sweet. It’s a lullaby that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little baby up until when I was a little girl when I would get scared and– I’d like to sing that for you.

[singing] The moon is out
the stars are out
now close your eyes
now hush, little baby
don’t wait till the morning
don’t make a sound
coz mommy loves you
goodnight.

Aw, my voice. We have a great show for you tonight. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro] [music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head

been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing] [singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.] [Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these

merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing] get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll] [singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Trump Suggests Injecting Disinfectant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update, home edition.. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left side.]

Colin Jost: Well, you know things are going well when “Don’g drink bleach” is trending nationally after a president’s speech. After a doctor said that coronavirus dies quickly in the sunlight, president Trump asked if they could bring the light inside the body. I’m pretty sure bring the light inside the body is what they chanted at Jones town before drinking poison. Then president clean suggested injecting disinfectant into your body to cure the virus. Experts call the idea “A stroke of genius,” minus the “Of genius” part.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right side.]

Michael Che: Trump laid a backtrack and said he was just being sarcastic which is just what you say when you know you’ve said something terrible. And you know Colin, speaking of terrible, you know how when a kid has really bad parents, somebody steps in and they have to go live with another family, right?.

Colin Jost: Sure.

Michael Che: You think it’s possible another country could come take custody of us, maybe? I mean, just until our government gets back on its feet. Somewhere stable like, Germany or Japan or Nigeria. Or even Iraq. I’ll take Iraq now. Don’t they owe us a favor anyway? Didn’t we like, kill their dad when they were in trouble? I’m being sarcastic, obviously.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: A man in Ohio was seen protesting ‘stay-at-home’ orders while wearing an American flag and a diaper. Said the man, “We need to re-open the [makes pressure sound] eeeeee-conomy. And fun fact, if American flag and a diaper are struck by lightening, they create a Shawn Hannity.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a protester with a gun at right side.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s funny that all the people protesting the stay-at-home order live in places where there’s nowhere to go anyway. I mean, I get why like, Vegas or Miami would want to open up. I mean, cocaine ain’t going to cut itself. But if you’re protesting in rural Texas or South Carolina, where else would you even be, Earl? Besides Walmart and your basement which is pretty much still open. Also, who are all these guns supposed to scare? The virus? The nurses? The police? It’s crazy now these red necks– excuse me, red states are always talking that support the troops and blue lives matter [bleep]. But then, they’re so quick to bring out their guns whenever their country wants something from them. I mean, how is that patriotic? That’s like saying, “I love my wife, but I keep a gun under my pillow just in case.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: Texas lieutenant governor Dan Patrick is urging his state to completely reopen saying, “There are more important things than living,” which is actually the slogan for the KFC $20 fill up menu.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: A growing number of anti-vaxxers are changing their minds about vaccinations in the wake of the coronavirus. Because, anit-vaxxers are worried that if they get the virus, they may not get the chance to breastfeed their teenagers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left side.]

Colin Jost: Rudy Giuliani appeared in the FOX News this week and said something so stupid, it was almost presidential. But all I really wanna know is, why does Rudy look like Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s?” Is he so mad about coronavirus that he’s actually turning into a racist asian stereotype?

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Weekend Update Home Edition- Banksy Makes Bathroom Art

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: Street artist Banksy has posted pictures of an art project created in the bathroom. He’s calling the piece, “Guess what I ate?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a whipped strawberry milk at left side.]

Colin Jost: A popular new food item among the people staying at home is whipped strawberry milk. Incidentally, whipped strawberry milk is also Prince Harry’s  drag name.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a woman in stress at right side.]

Michael Che: Psychologists are warning single people stuck at home to resist the urge to get in touch with their exes. Okay, but if I don’t text my exes, how will they know I love them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a poster of the documentary ‘The Last Dance’ at left side.]

Colin Jost: ESPN has released ‘The Last Dance’ which follows Michael Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. Unfortunately, the film ignores the important questions like, “Why did Michael Jordan film that Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lando Lakes logo at right side.]

Michael Che: Lando Lakes butter has removed the native American woman from the landscape on it’s packaging over concerns that the imagery was racist. Unfortunately, they’re replacing her  with the pipeline.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grim reaper at left side.]

Colin Jost: A lawyer in Florida protested the opening of the states beaches by wearing a grim reaper costume and warning people at the beach about getting too close to each other. There was an awkward moment when he bumped into the actual grim reaper who was just making his regular Florida rounds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture ofKelly Clarkson at right side.]

Michael Che: Kelly Clarkson has released a new song called “I dare you” in six different languages. It’s a song that has people all around the world coming together to say, “Eh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of viagra and an iPhone at left side.]

Colin Jost: A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and a thousand viagra tablets. I assume texting people, “I’m up.”

Michael Che: Alright. That’s a 10 year old joke right there. A new study finds that pigeons in New York city are genetically different from pigeons in Boston. It’s actually easy to spot the difference because the Boston pigeons are the ones yelling at black birds to go back to where they came from.

Colin Jost: Just, also, I just want to say before we wrap up tonight, Michael, you’re probably familiar with the ‘all in’ challenge where different people are sort of challenging each other to go through different experiences and invite a fan to join them for an experience. And, you know, that’s a way to raise a lot of money for people in need. And I’m assuming this is something you’d be all in for, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Okay. Yeah, alright. No, sure.

Colin Jost: Well, we’ve actually set up a great– a site on the all in challenge where whoever donates the most money over the next week [Michael Che laughing] will get the change to write a joke that you can tell on our next show without having read it in advance. And it’s gonna be great. Fans are really excited. And, in case they needed sort of any guidelines or maybe an example, we actually sent you a joke tonight that you could read so that all the people who are gonna give generously can know sort of something that they can try. I think in your email, there might just be a joke you could read?

Michael Che: Are you serious?

Colin Jost: And, I think, you know, the nice thing about you agreeing in advance to do this is that it’s gonna raise a lot of money. And I think that’s really what you care about, don’t you think?

Michael Che: Yeah. My god. Alright. Uh, boy. [reading the email] It says here, NASA officials said that it’s possible that the first human sent to Mars could be a woman, so that when the male astronauts show up, dinner will be ready. Oh, god! [laughing]  Well, that just undoes everything I’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: So, guys, very exciting. If you want to donate and get a chance to make Michael Che say something, donate to this link we have below. You can’t click it coz it’s a screen. But, you can look at it and type it like we had to in the old days. [the link is allinchallenge.com/snljoke] So, that’s the link. Check it out. Thank you for your donations. For Weekend Update home edition, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

SoulCycle at Home

Phoenix… Cecily Strong

Lee… Bowen Yang

Korona… Ego Nwodim

Toyota… Chris Redd

Robert… Beck Bennett

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “Soulcycle Virtual Workouts” intro] [Cut to Phoenix in her home]

Phoenix: Welcome. Welcome. My name is Phoenix, as in the University of… Soulcycle’s closed right now. So, we put together this live stream with the trainer fan. We may not have bikes, but that won’t stop us from charging you to watch us working out. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee in his home]

Lee: Wad up, wad up, Soulcycle computer? They call me Lee, short for Harvey Oswald. It’s crazy to think that people could be watching this anywhere to Los Angeles to California. I’ve been hearing a lot about squatters, right? So, let’s get ’em. [starts squatting] Always try to keep a positive attitude. I moved to New York two days before quarantine. Shoutout to my roommate who catfished me. He ain’t no leggy blonde, but it’s his personality I fell in love with. Let’s go!

[Cut to Korona in her home]

Korona: My name is Korona with the K. I’m always overcoming adversity. When I was little, they told me I was pretty enough to act like not model. So, I joined tiktok where I do neither. Let’s go!

[Cut to Toyota in his home]

Toyota: I am Toyota. And I hear a lot of people talking about antibodies. Ah! Pro body. Quarantine, day two, let’s go!

[Cut to Robert in his home]

Robert: I am Robert, like, Julia Robert. And I’m good vibes only. Who do I stay home for? Me! Because I’m quarantined and on house arrest. Two birds, let’s go!

[Cut to Heidi in her home]

Heidi: What’s up? I’m Molly. Sorry, I’m on Molly. I’m not gonna get COVID-19 coz I’m 22. Liberate Michigan, let’s go!

[Heidi is working out]

Wow! It’s burning now.

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: This pandemic has affected everyone. Coachella, cancelled. South by south west, cancelled. Bill Cosby, cancelled. How dare? We need doctors right now. Let’s push!

[Cut to Toyota]

Toyota: Commit to what you start! [sits on his couch] I ain’t finishing ‘ozark.’ Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: I’m on a juice cleanse right now. Corox juice. Eat clean!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: This one’s called the bow and arrow. [stretching the resistant band] It’s gonna go way back! [the resistant band hits her cheek] Oh! Oww!

[Cut to Korona]

Korona: My mantra, eat, pray, pray. That’s right. I’m not and religious. It’s a trap. Let’s go!

[Cut to Lee]

Lee: Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t connect, meet up, go to the beach, hug, touch, kiss an old guy on the mouth at the mall. Let’s go!

[Cut to Phoenix]

Phoenix: I just got word that our positive attitude and good bodies cured coronavirus. [wears her glasses] Oh, wait. Oh, no. Sorry. Rooter’s Steakhouse is delivering. Ah!

Tom Hanks At-Home Monologue

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Hanks is in his home. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hey, hey. Wow. Wow. Thank you. That is some sound effect of applause and whistles. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, engineers. Hey, all you cool cats and kittens. It’s me, your old pal. Don’t worry now. Don’t be afraid. This shaved head was just for movie. My hair is growing back very slowly. It does save time in the shower. So, I don’t know. Maybe we should all do it, huh?

Hey, it’s good to be here, though it is also very weird to be here hosting Saturday Night Live from home. It is a strange time to try and be funny. But trying to be funny is SNL’s whole thing. So, we thought, “What the heck? Let’s give it a shot.” But why me as host? Well, for one, I have been the celebrity canary in the coal mine for the coronavirus. And ever since being diagnosed, I have been more like America’s dad like ever before since no one wants to be around me very long, and I make people uncomfortable. Now, I was diagnosed back in March with the coronavirus. I was first diagnosed down in Australia. Now, the folks in Australia are fantastic in every way. But they use celcius instead of fahrenheit when they take your temperature. So, when I come in, they say, “You’re 36!” Which seemed very bad to me. Turns out 36 is fine. 38 is bad. So, basically it’s how Hollywood treats female actors. But now, my wife and I are doing fine. We’re doing great. We’re hunkered down like all of it should be. And in fact, this suit, this is the first time I’ve worn anything other than sweatpants since March 11th. My wife had to help me put it on because I forgot how buttons work. But it turns out there’s these little discs and they slide into these slots. Amazing.

Now, this Saturday Night Live is gonna be al little different. For one thing, it has been filmed entirely by the SNL cast who are currently quarantine in their homes just like this. Well, not like this. I mean, their homes are little more like– You know what? I’m gonna let you be the judge of that.

Also, there’s no such thing as Saturdays anymore. It’s just, everyday is today. And we’re not really live. But, we are doing everything we can to make this feel like the SNL you know and love. I am even using cue cards. [pulls a paper from behind the camera] See? I’m even using cue cards. That’s riffed, baby. That’s what I am doing.

So, tonight I can do everything a host does during a normal SNL. I could even do that old chestnut the question and answer monologue. Let’s see, does anyone have any questions? Yes, what about you sir? How about you?

[Cut to Tom Hanks wearing a hat and a fake mustache. He has a smoking pipe in his mouth]

Um, I have a question for Mr. Hanks. I can’t help but notice that you are in excellent shape. What is the secret of your physical regiment?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Come on. I just try to stretch a couple of times a week. Go easy on the carbs and the cookies. Thank you though. Anybody else? Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Tom hanks wearing a cowboy hat]

Alright, I got a question for Tommy Tim Tam. What’s a right proper way to get a daily dose of your vegemite?

[Cut back to Tom Hanks wearing suit]

Enough of that. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Now, is it gonna look a little different than what you’re used to? Yes. Will it be weird to see sketches without big sets and costumes? Sure. But, will it make you laugh? Ugh. You know, it’s SNL. You know. There’ll be some good stuff. Maybe one or two stinkers. You know the drill. But let’s go. Hey, stay safe. We are in this for the duration. And we will get through this together. We are going to thank our hospital workers, our first responders and all the helpers. The supermarket stockers. The people who deliver our food. The people who are making takeout for us. The men and women who are keeping this country going at the time we need more than ever before. So, we’re gonna take care of them and we’re gonna take care of each other. So, let’s try to now just enjoy the show. We will be right back.