Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Panda Express & Tom Cruise in Space

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the coronavirus. But it’s way worse for employees over at ‘Bat on a Stick.’

Michael Che: ESPN announced that it will start airing South Korean baseball games. So, I hope they don’t have trouble pronouncing the names of South Korean players like, Yang Heyon-Jong or Kim Jae-Hwan and god, I hope I’m not butchering this one,  Preston Tucker.

Colin Jost: Vermont police arrested a man who went into Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte.

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise is working with Space X and NASA to film the first movie ever shot in space. Shot in space? Uh, SpaceJam?

A 93 year old man maid at a nursing home in California Hitchhiked to a local convenient store so he could buy a chocolate bar to split with his girlfriend. And also a box of Magnum XLs.

Colin Jost: Elon Musk and Grimes have named their baby this [X Æ A-Colin JostMichael Che appears on the screen], which I assume is the number you dial on California for child services.

Michael Che: GoDaddy has shut down a website that hosted a Miss Hitler beauty pageant. Coincidentally, Miss Hitler beauty pageant was the working title for the Ingraham Angle. By the way, Colin, if you’re wondering who the winner of the Miss Hitler pageant was, Miss Isreal.

Colin Jost: The actor who played the Mountain on The Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1100 lbs in a competition. Unfortunately, officials still gave the gold medal to Bran for some [bleep] reason.

Michael Che: One of Michael Jordan’s former teammates Craig Hodges is criticizing Jordan saying that he broke the player’s code by revealing in the new documentary ‘The Last Dance’ that he saw teammates having cocaine party. Hodges said he’s like an apology from Jordan as well as just 20 bucks, or 10 bucks, or 5 bucks.

Colin Jost: You may remember, the last show as part of the All-in challenge, Che agreed to tell a joke on air written by a fan that he has never seen before. So, Michael, if you want to check your email, we sent the joke over. And when you read it, just remember, this raised a lot of money for charity.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. [reading the joke] Some airlines have announced that as part of coronavirus safety procedures, they will now be boarding from the back of the planes so that first class would be the last to board. Apparently, watching all the people in coach silently trudging past you just doesn’t hit the way it used to.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, hundred grant well spent.

Michael Che: Yeah. That’s a lot of money. But you know, Colin, all this charity reminds me that I actually got a letter from a sick kid in a hospital and he said his one wish was for you to read a joke that he wrote for you. Yes. So, if you go to your email, you can just open it up. It’s literally right in there.

Colin Jost: [bleep] dammit. This is for a sick kid?

Michael Che: Yeah. Very sick boy.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, here it goes. A McDonald’s in China was criticized for posting a sign saying that black people were not allowed to enter. Which is the same sign I’m going to hang on my daughter.

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh my goodness. Whoa! Wow. He went in a slightly different direction than the guy that won the contest. That’s what’s so strange.

Colin Jost: If it’s to help a sick kid.

Michael Che: Yeah, man. He’s getting stronger as we speak.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!