Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of people who were fired or who resigned the White House jobs at left top corner.]
Okay, I have a serious question. Who still works in our government? Like, who still does an actual government job? At this point, the White House is like that dead mall in your hometown. It’s just sunglasses, kiosk and a couple of raccoons fighting in a JCPenny. Hope Hicks, president Trump’s communications director and one of his longest serving advisor said Wednesday that she plan to resign to pursue other opportunities. You know things are bad when a 29 year old with no experience, who works directly for the president of the United States thinks, “I gotta get out of this dead end job.” She’s resigning to pursue other opportunities the same way people on the Titanic decided they wanted to start seeing other boats.[Picture changes to Jared Kushner]
It was also reported this week that Jared Kushner who by the way is the only guy who makes me look ethnic, who is also stripped of his top secret security clearance this week. And at that exact moment, though he didn’t yet know why, [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon got his first direction in 10 years.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of President Trump at bipartisan meeting at right top corner.]
Michael Che: During a bipartisan meeting to discuss school safety, president Trump called for more gun control. But NRA officials are now saying that after a private meeting with the president, he has backed off that position. Oh, really? So, he was alone in a room with a bunch of gun enthusiasts and they somehow managed to change his mind. You know, that once happened to me. I once spoke out against gang violence. But then after very private meeting with the bloods on the roof of my building, I realized I disagree with myself too.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a teacher at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Another solution propose that we should give guns to teachers. And I tried to seriously consider that idea. But then I remembered that I had catholic nuns as teachers growing up, and they definitely should no have guns. I mean, they were violent enough with a rulers. And of course, nuns are violent. I mean, imagine a regular teacher and how frustrated they are all the time. Now imagine that same teacher but they can never have sex. I mean, that’s why priests were always nicer than nuns. I mean, at least priests were having sex![Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sports Goods logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Dick’s Sporting Goods has announced that in the wake of the Florida shooting, it will immediately stop selling assault rifles. Good! [Picture changes to a man hunting in a forest] Maybe now we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport because it’s not. I’ve never seen a deer get shot, then grabbed his side and said, “Ah! Good game!” You can’t just make terrorizing animals a sport because you like to do it. If you get caught having sex with a deer, you can’t be like, “Unhand me. I’m an athlete.” Shooting animals for fun is wrong. It’s not a sport. There are easier ways to feel strong and make your heart race. Like, smoking crack! If you hunt for food, just eat rice. You won’t need a gun if you just eat rice. You won’t need toilet paper either because you’re gonna take one scratchy dump a month.[Picture changes to rifle and a handgun]
My point is we can’t just let anybody have an assault rifle same way we can’t just let any country have a nuke. Okay? I get the need that you wanna have gun protection but there’s a fine line between cautious and insane, alright? There’s a difference between carrying a condom in your wallet and wrapping your entire penis in a bubble wrap.