Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Hope Hicks shocked many in the White House this week by announcing that she is resigning. Here to explain is Hope Hicks.[Hope Hicks slides in] [cheers and applause]
Hope Hicks: Hello. Hey.
Colin Jost: How is it going, Hope? Now, I have to say, I’m all surprised that you’re here. I feel like I’ve never heard you speak.
Hope Hicks: No you haven’t. Coz I haven’t. No, I never have. Never had to. No one has ever pressed me on it. Like, media has been so nice to me. Like, insanely nice to me.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Why do you think they have been so nice to you?
Hope Hicks: Um, well, if I had to guess, I’d say coz my hair and face are good. But you know what? Also honestly, I just like, I try to stay out of that whole arena coz like, argh! Like, argh! Communication at the White House, it’s a mess.
Colin Jost: Yeah. And your job was?
Hope Hicks: White House Communication’s Director.
Colin Jost: Right. Right.
Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? Working at the White House was like going to summer camp. You know? You make all these new friends. You barely get any sleep. And then everybody leaves after eight weeks. Plus there’s tons of cute guys there. Okay? Most are like classic bad boys, you know? Just crazy haircuts and breaking the law. And they’ve all hit a girl.
Colin Jost: Wow. That’s a bad boy?
Hope Hicks: What? No. Coz they’re men. So, they’re bad men. They’re really bad men.
Colin Jost: Okay. And you’re just okay with it?
Hope Hicks: Okay with it? I was like a kid in a candy store. I was like, [looking here and there] “I think I’m gonna like it here.”
Colin Jost: [laughing] Okay. Wow! That’s cool.
Hope Hicks: Yeah. Anyway, you know what? I really am gonna miss all my friends from my semester broad at the White House. [Colin Jost pulls out a paper and opens it] So, if you wouldn’t mind, I kind of want to read a statement I prepared.
Colin Jost: Oh, sure.
Hope Hicks: [music playing in the background][reading] Some people dance in our lives and quickly go. But they always leave footprints in our hearts and fingerprints on Russian documents. Oops!
Colin Jost: That was good. Good joke, yeah.
Hope Hicks: To Kellyanne. You taught me that a strong woman can run a campaign and win. And you showed me what I could turn into if I stick around too long. You’re like, the human version of those pictures of black lungs on cigarette boxes.
To Donnie. I’ll always be your Hopie, which is what you called me when you needed help coz your big red tie touch the toilet water. It was so much fun being the Trump translator. Like that woman who taught sign language to Cocoa the gorilla.
Colin Jost: Wait. What?
Hope Hicks: Yeah. Yeah. Coz, we had like, [showing how they did sign language. She is gesturing her speech.] Donald hungry. Donald Angry. Donald slorngry.
Colin Jost: Okay. What is slorngry?
Hope Hicks: Oh! That’s when he was sleepy, angry and horny. And Donnie, never forget our little inside joke. The meeting was about Russian adoption. [to Colin Jost] He’ll get that. You won’t get that.
Colin Jost: Sure. Sure. Yeah.
Hope Hicks: [sobbing] This is the hardest one. Ivanka, my BFF. You were the one who told me about this internship or job or what is it? And ever since then, it’s been like a never ending sleepover. Like, one where you wake up in the middle of the night and you open your eyes, you’re like, “Is that my friend’s dad in the doorway? Is he just like standing there and watching us? What is this?” And it was that moment just stretched out over three years. Parts, girl.
And everyone else at the Trump White House, I’ll see you guys at the reunion in 10 years. Seven with good behavior.
Colin Jost: Hope Hicks, everyone!
Hope Hicks: I owe so much money.
Colin Jost: Oh, my god! I’m so sorry.