Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]