Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands] Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes] Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]

Millennial Millions | Season 44 Episode 10

Host… Kenan Thompson

Carrie… Rachel Brosnahan

Dylan Knot… Pete Davidson

Milanie… Aidy Bryant

Parrot head boomer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Millennial Millions intro]

Narrator: A mortgage, debt relief, health insurance are just cash. All these could be your’s today on Millennial Millions. Here’s your host, [Cut to stage with Dave, Carrie and Dylan] Dave Tulane.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hello. Hello and welcome to Millennial Millions. We have got two young contestants [Cut to Carie and Dylan] here today. Carrie, why don’t you tell us about yourself.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Hey, Dave. I’m 26 years old and I love to get that health insurance because my company uses a lot of freelancers and we don’t get benefits.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, it’s tough to work at a start up. What’s the name of your company?

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Google.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Great, we have Dylan Knot. [Cut to Dylan] How are you Dylan?

Dylan: I’m doing great Dave. I’m 25. I have a masters from NYU and I’m an intern at Burger King.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, the corporate office?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: No.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, that’s rough. Well the good news is you Millennials can win lots of cash and prizes. Just don’t let it all get taken by our baby boomers. [Cut to the stage. We can see baby boomers at the backstage behind the wall because of back light] [Boomer sound] Yes, that’s right, behind the wall are several boomers just waiting to take that money for themselves. [Cut to Host] Our friend Milanie has a song about them. Come on out.

[Cut to the stage. Milanie comes out of the door]

Milanie: Well, good evening. [Cut to Milanie] Now, who are the boomers?

Well, their parents came home from World War II
and had a lot of sex and had a lot of kids
and kids grew up in a prosperous time
where America was the only Super Power left.
Then they played all the music and did all the drugs
and had all the sex and they all went to college
and got all the jobs and made all the money
and bought all the houses and they won’t ever die.
They’re the boomers!

[Cut to the stage. Everyone applauding] [Milanie leaves] [Cut to Host]

Host: Thank you, Melanie. I hope that sums it up. Carrie, give us a start.

[Cut to Carrie. She’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Carrie: Okay. Here we go. Come on, health insurance! And stop.

Host: Okay. You got social security.

Carrie: Wow, awesome. Free money when I’m old.

[Boomer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, well, not if boomer takes it all first. Who do we got? [Cut to the stage. Parrot head boomer comes out of the door dancing] [Cut to Parrot Head Boomer dancing and drinking her cocktail] Okay, it’s the parrot head boomer. That’s right. She worked as a banker for 30 stable years and then got an $8 million severance and moved to Key West. [Cut to Host] Now Carrie, this boomer is going to complain for 30 seconds. Make it that whole time without interrupting and the social security is yours.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Okay. That sounds easy.

[Cut to Host]

Host: It sounds easy, but I know how you Millennials love anything that challenges your world view. 30 seconds on the clock. And go!

[Cut to split screen. Parrot head boomer at the left and Carrie at the right]

Parrot Head Boomer: You young people have it so easy and you sit around eating avocado toast watching movies on your phone. I never had that. I had to work. I mean $8 million is not what it used to be. So of course I’m taking the social security–

Carrie: I’m sorry. I can’t. You are taking the social security. Bitch, you are rich! [Buzzer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, sorry, Carrie. You didn’t keep your cool.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: It feels so unfair.

Host: Well, [Cut to Host] maybe you can tweet about it. That will solve everything. [Host laughs] My goodness. I’m just playing. I’m Gen-X. I sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn. Devin, you’re up.

[Cut to Dylan. He’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Dylan: Great, let’s do this. Come on, mortgage. And stop.

Host: Okay. Debt relief. [Cut to Host] Now Dylan, this prize can pay off your college loans up to $100,000.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Awesome. That will cover like half.

[Boomer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh but wait! I think a boomer wants some of that money. Who’s there? [Cut to the stage. Collector boomer comes out of the door dancing and gesturing as playing guitar] Okay, [Cut to collector boomer] it’s the collector boomer. His finished his latter years of wiring everything he wanted in his youth. He owns six vintage cars and a wall of guitars. [Cut to the Host] But somehow he’s only an orthodontist.

[Cut to Collector Boomer]

Collector Boomer: Now this is music!

[Cut to the Host]

Host: Okay Dylan. We will give you the debt relief if you listen to our collector boomer without interrupting. Start this clock and go.

[Cut to split screen. Collector boomer at the left and Dylan at the right]

Collector Boomer: It’s crazy. I’d love to retire and free up a job for younger person. We’ve got the house in Jersey. There are house out on the cape which is a tax nightmare and this Scottsdale place. I mean it’s too much. What am I supposed to do.

Dylan: Sell one! Nobody needs that many houses! [Dylan leaves the show] [Buzzers sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! Too bad. Looks like Dylan left in a Millennial submit. I guess he had to find a safe space. [Host laughs] Again, I am Gen-X. I just sit back and do nothing like a referee at Wrestle Mania. Okay, Carrie, it’s your lucky day. That means you get to play for the boomer birth right bonanza. That’s right. That’s a full time job, a starter home, no student debt and we will throw in the social security. In other words, you will get everything the boomers got just for being born at the right time.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Great. That hurts to hear.

[Cut to Host]

Host: But, to win it you have to spend 30 seconds getting a life advice from the toughest boomer of all. [Cut to the stage with Host and Carrie] [Boomer Sound] Your dad!

[The door opens. Dad comes out of the door.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Host: All right. We have to take a break. [Cut to Host] But dad, give us a taste of what you are going to tell her.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I was going to explain that I don’t have student loans because I worked my way  through college—

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Yeah, right dad, because college cost $300 back then.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, don’t just start without me now. This is going to be good. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to outro of the show]