Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts] [Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.] [Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies] [Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes] [Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing] [Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.] [Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.] [Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.] [Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

WWE Promo Shoot

Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mud… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of backstage of Wrestle Mania.]

Kyle: Okay, moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our two wrestlers in there. [Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud walk in] Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. [Kyle walks out]

Trashyard Mud: Great! Hey, can’t wait to work with you man. This is gonna be great.

Coco Watchout: Oh, man! Totally. Me too. I can’t wait.

Trashyard Mud: Hey, feel free to just really let me have it in this promo, man! Don’t hold back.

Coco Watchout: Oh, you sure?

Trashyard Mud: Ya, ya! Definitely. Just go for it.

Coco Watchout: Okay, cool. Alright.

Kyle: Okay, everybody set?

[Host walks in using his phone]

Trashyard Mud: This could be fun.

Coco Watchout: Yeah, man!

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud. And there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Mud?

Trashyard Mud: No! [barks and howls] Oh, you better watch out because when Mud gets out of the Trashyard, the first thing that he’s gonna do is take out this big old pile of stinking rotten garbage. [barks]

Host: And what do you have to say about that Coco?

Coco Watchout: Let me tell you something about this guy. He has herpes. It’s true. Oh, he’s got herpes and he’s got it bad.

Trashyard Mud: Yeah! Yeah, well, you’re gonna be rid in a body bag when I’m through with you. [barks]

Coco Watchout: Yeah? Well, you can’t have sex with anyone without having a talk first coz of your herpes. I heard your doctor said it was the most herpes he’d ever seen!

Host: Well, you heard it here first. Mud has herpes. And it gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Kyle: And cut!

[Host starts using his phone and leaves]

Coco Watchout: Hey dude!

Trashyard Mud: Hey!

Coco Watchout: So, what did you think man? It was pretty good, right?

Trashyard Mud: Um, no! No, not really. Yeah, that stuff was kind of personal. Maybe talk to me more about stuff that you were gonna do to me in the ring.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Cool. I got it.

[Host walks in using his phone]

Okay, not a problem.

Trashyard Mud: That’s cool.

Kyle: Alright. Promo take two. And action.

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: And here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud, and there is no love loss between these two, isn’t that right Coco?

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah! When we get in that ring on Sunday, I’m gonna tell everybody about what I found on his computer. It’s full of Family Guy porn. You keep googling “Lewis Sex Brian”. And Brian’s the dog, man!

Trashyard Mud: I like dogs. Ay! How do you know all of that?

Coco Watchout: I hired a research firm to dig up dirt on you. And then they found out ton. You remember the college girlfriend named Donna? It turns out eight months after you broke up, he had a baby girl Evelyn.

Trashyard Mud: What?

Coco Watchout: I met her. She is a lovely girl and honored student. And she doesn’t want to have a thing to do with you, man! Because you never met her coz you’re not fit to be a dad. And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

Host: And tell me, what do you have to say to that, Mud?

Trashyard Mud: [Trashyard Mud is confused but he barks]

Host: You heard it here folks. And it all gets settled this Sunday.

Kyle: Cut! Cut!

[Kyle walks in]

I like that. Are you guys feeling that one?

Trashyard Mud: No.

Coco Watchout: Yeah. You said, man! Just let you have it, right?

Trashyard Mud: Yeah. I take it back, man. Okay? Just do normal stuff. Like, how you’re gonna rip me apart or something.

Coco Watchout: Okay. I mean, that seems wrong to me. But okay. Okay. For sure. Okay. I got it.

Trashyard Mud: Come on!

[Kyle leaves]

Kyle: And, action!

[Host suddenly puts his phone inside his pocket and starts hosting. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud are making angry faces.] [rock music playing in the background]

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mud.

Coco Watchout: I’m gonna rip this guy apart! And I mean psychologically.

Trashyard Mud: Jesus!

Coco Watchout: We have been looking on something the last eight months, Mud. You know, the internet girlfriend Staccy? The college student who lives in Hawaii that you’ve never met in person?

Trashyard Mud: Oh,no.

Coco Watchout: Well, I got news for ya. She’s really not a college student and her real name’s not Stacey. It’s Coco. That’s right. I cat-fished your ass! I made you fall in love with me and you had no idea!

Trashyard Mud: That is so intricate! Why are you doing this?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know that cute picture of Stacey that you’ve been spanking at? It’s actually a picture of Evelyn, the daughter you never met. Whoo!

Trashyard Mud: I think I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mud leaves]

Host: Well, there you have it folks. All at Wrestle Mania this Sunday

Coco Watchout: Ah! Coz that’s what Coco is cooking.

Kyle: Yeah! Now it’s a cut!

Host: Oh! Too far, Coco!

How’s He Doing with Chris Rock

Host… Kenan Thompson

Ronnie Williams… Jay Pharoah

Natalie Dickerson… Sasheer Zamata

Denice London… Leslie Jones

Kevin Michael Jakes… Chris Rock

[Starts with intro of “How’s He Doing?”] [Cut to Host]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” The show where the black voter takes a frank honest look at president Obama and asks, “How’s he doing?” You’re watching this because it’s too early for football but too late for church. Well, the mid term elections are on Tuesday. And it doesn’t look good for the president. Since we last checked, Obama’s approval rating has dropped by 5 points to hit a record low of 41%. But even worse than that, the president’s approval rating among black voters has dropped 7 points, all the way down to 92%. Joining me to discuss this dip, is our unbiased panel. Ronnie Williams is a writer for Everyday magazine.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams shaking his head] [Cut to Host]

Host: Natalie Dickerson is a senior editor for black voices on the Hovinton post.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson smiling and waving] [Cut to Host]

Host: Denice London is a cultural critic from Vibe.

[Cut to Denice London] [Cut to Host]

Host: And Kevin Michael Jakes, host to show called “Shaking my head” on serious FM’s new ‘Um-um’ channel.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes just staring at the camera]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Good to be here.

[Cut to everybody]

Host: All right, well the main terms are looking bleak. [Cut to Host] Republicans are likely going to take the senate. And many Americans have been disappointed with the president’s handling of the ebola crisis, immigration and ISIS. So, I’m asking. For real. Should we have voted for Mitt Romney?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody laughs.] [Cut to Host]

Host: Hell no. [laughing] Hell no. Come on now. Ay, come on! You heard me. I even said, “For real” that time. Oh! I do love to laugh in the morning. But seriously, people don’t think that president is doing enough about ebola.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Okay, look. One American had died from ebola. One. Okay? Kim Kardashain has claimed more black victims than ebola. Come on, now.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Yeah, but still it is scary.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: Well, then be safe. Why people keep talking about how they are afraid to catch disease while they’re kissing their dog on the mouth?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, they love doing that.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: I know how you got ebola. From the pitbull you rescued from the land field.

Kevin Michael Jakes: Why are people so proud about a dog they got for free? You don’t hear me bragging about the cologne I rescued from this magazine.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You don’t, you really don’t. Um-umm. Moving on. Many people are saying that Obama wasn’t prepared for the rise of ISIS. We seem to cast administration by surprise.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: You can’t blame the president for being distracted. He’s got people running into his house.

[cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: How are these people getting into the White House so easy? The president of the United States should have better security than Taye Diggs. I mean, run in the R. Kelly’s yacht and see what happens.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Absolutely. Absolutely. Alright, let’s move on to What Would It Take? Our weekly segment where we ask what would it take for Barack Obama to lose your support? Would the president lose your support if he radically changed his hairstyle?

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Depends on hairstyle.

[Cut to Host]

Host: A Jerry curl.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: He could bring a Jerry curl back. I mean, Icecube made some of his best albums with a Jerry curl.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Dreadlocks.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Uh-huh. You mean like clean style dreadlocks, right? Like Larry Fitzgerald?

[Cut to Host]

Host: No, no. I’m talking about three thick dirty dreadlocks for his entire head.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: Oh, no!

Kevin Michael Jakes: Hell, no! Any man above Denice London0 with dreadlocks better have a PhD.

[Cut to Host]

Host: So he loses your vote?

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: No!

[Cut to Host]

Host: All right, well next. Sasha and Maliya talk back to Barack in public and he does nothing.

[Cut to Denice London]

Denice London: Okay, um, he probably whoop him after company leaves, right?

[Cut to Host]

Host: He does not whoop them. He does not do anything.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Okay, but- but he gave them the look, right? I mean, sometimes all you need is the look.

[Cut to Host]

Host: He did not give them the look. He looks down and away.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Well, I mean they’re nice young ladies. So, I’m sure whatever they said wasn’t that bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Barack said, “Y’all get up to bed now.” And they said, “Shut up, bitch! We watching scandal.”

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Oh, hell no!

[cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: I’m sorry. You cannot have your kids talk to you that way. You are the president. You need to command respect.

[cut to Host]

Host: So, does he lose your vote?

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: He does not.

[Cut to Host]

Host: There we go. That’s today’s show. Join us next time when we ask, “First MPD, guilty or incredibly guilty?” I’ll ball with incredibly guilty.

[Ends with outro]

Chopped | Season 44 Episode 20

Host… Beck Bennett

Georgina… Leslie Jones

Clair… Melissa Villaseñor

Emma Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of Chopped]

Host: Four chefs started out with the goal of wowing our judges using the ingredients in their mastery basket. Now, only two remain, Georgina and Clair. Who will it be?

[Cut Georgina and Clair shaking hands] Georgina: You did some great cooking out there. I think either one of us could win.

[Cut to Clair]

Clair: I think you could win or could win.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: That’s what I just said.

[Cut to the judges and the host]

Host: Judges, those were some really tricky baskets. But after three rounds what do you think?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Clair making her dishes]

Emma Thompson: Well, going back to the appetizer round, Clair really made very great use of those artichoke hearts.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, they were so crispy.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, and she wasn’t thrown by the loose sugar.

Emma Thompson: But she had a harder time with the five-pound horse penis.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and Georgina making her dishes]

Georgina had problems too. Her appetizer was supposed to be an artichoke slider.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, but it was actually just a kitten on a hamburger bun.

[Cut to the host]

Host: What did you think of the salad?

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the salads]

Alex Moffat: Her salad seemed like an afterthought. And she overdressed it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, it didn’t need the full tuxedo. Just a tie would have been fine.

Emma Thompson: And Clair seemed to be just pretending to wash her hands.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, she didn’t even touch the water.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s move on to the main course round.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the contestants making their dishes] Alex Moffat: I thought the way Clair incorporated the marshmallow fluff into her steak sauce was really clever.

Aidy Bryant: You know what? But, my steak was raw.

Emma Thompson: Raw like the temperature or raw like it had a mouth and kept using the ‘C’ word?

Aidy Bryant: That one.

Emma Thompson: Okay.

Emma Thompson: I thought Georgina served a really nice plate of food.

Alex Moffat: Well, she served me divorce papers. And now she has half of everything.

[Cut to the host]

Host: But you have full custody of her kid.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to Emma and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: But kid like goat, right?

[Cut to Alex playing with a goat]

Alex Moffat: Yes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Let’s talk about dessert.

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Aidy Bryant: You know, Georgina was really determined that she was going to get to that ice cream machine first.

[Cut to video clip of Georgina shooting Clair to get to the machine first]

[Cut to clips of judges speaking and the desserts]

Emma Thompson: I just wish she had transformed the candy cigarette. Because she just stuck it in the ice cream.

Alex Moffat: Yeah, along with some real cigarettes.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Sounds like you could make a case for either one to be ‘Chopped’ champion.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Thompson: But one stood out.

[Cut to the host]

Host: Okay. So, whose dish is on the chopping block? [Cut to Georgina and Clair getting nervous to know about the result]

[The host opens the chopping block. There is a cat in the bun.]

Chef Georgina, you’ve been chopped.

[Cut to Georgina]

Georgina: You know, I’m definitely disappointed and maybe I’m not the ‘Chopped’ champion. But I never signed a release. So, y’all can’t use any of this. Suck it.

[Cut to the host]

Host: And that means chef Clair is the new ‘Chopped’ champion.

Clair: Yes!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex Moffat: Let me know when the cameras are off. [Alex is trying to eat the cat]

Millennial Millions | Season 44 Episode 10

Host… Kenan Thompson

Carrie… Rachel Brosnahan

Dylan Knot… Pete Davidson

Milanie… Aidy Bryant

Parrot head boomer… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Millennial Millions intro]

Narrator: A mortgage, debt relief, health insurance are just cash. All these could be your’s today on Millennial Millions. Here’s your host, [Cut to stage with Dave, Carrie and Dylan] Dave Tulane.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Hello. Hello and welcome to Millennial Millions. We have got two young contestants [Cut to Carie and Dylan] here today. Carrie, why don’t you tell us about yourself.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Hey, Dave. I’m 26 years old and I love to get that health insurance because my company uses a lot of freelancers and we don’t get benefits.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, it’s tough to work at a start up. What’s the name of your company?

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Google.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Great, we have Dylan Knot. [Cut to Dylan] How are you Dylan?

Dylan: I’m doing great Dave. I’m 25. I have a masters from NYU and I’m an intern at Burger King.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, the corporate office?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: No.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Well, that’s rough. Well the good news is you Millennials can win lots of cash and prizes. Just don’t let it all get taken by our baby boomers. [Cut to the stage. We can see baby boomers at the backstage behind the wall because of back light] [Boomer sound] Yes, that’s right, behind the wall are several boomers just waiting to take that money for themselves. [Cut to Host] Our friend Milanie has a song about them. Come on out.

[Cut to the stage. Milanie comes out of the door]

Milanie: Well, good evening. [Cut to Milanie] Now, who are the boomers?

Well, their parents came home from World War II
and had a lot of sex and had a lot of kids
and kids grew up in a prosperous time
where America was the only Super Power left.
Then they played all the music and did all the drugs
and had all the sex and they all went to college
and got all the jobs and made all the money
and bought all the houses and they won’t ever die.
They’re the boomers!

[Cut to the stage. Everyone applauding] [Milanie leaves] [Cut to Host]

Host: Thank you, Melanie. I hope that sums it up. Carrie, give us a start.

[Cut to Carrie. She’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Carrie: Okay. Here we go. Come on, health insurance! And stop.

Host: Okay. You got social security.

Carrie: Wow, awesome. Free money when I’m old.

[Boomer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, well, not if boomer takes it all first. Who do we got? [Cut to the stage. Parrot head boomer comes out of the door dancing] [Cut to Parrot Head Boomer dancing and drinking her cocktail] Okay, it’s the parrot head boomer. That’s right. She worked as a banker for 30 stable years and then got an $8 million severance and moved to Key West. [Cut to Host] Now Carrie, this boomer is going to complain for 30 seconds. Make it that whole time without interrupting and the social security is yours.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Okay. That sounds easy.

[Cut to Host]

Host: It sounds easy, but I know how you Millennials love anything that challenges your world view. 30 seconds on the clock. And go!

[Cut to split screen. Parrot head boomer at the left and Carrie at the right]

Parrot Head Boomer: You young people have it so easy and you sit around eating avocado toast watching movies on your phone. I never had that. I had to work. I mean $8 million is not what it used to be. So of course I’m taking the social security–

Carrie: I’m sorry. I can’t. You are taking the social security. Bitch, you are rich! [Buzzer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, sorry, Carrie. You didn’t keep your cool.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: It feels so unfair.

Host: Well, [Cut to Host] maybe you can tweet about it. That will solve everything. [Host laughs] My goodness. I’m just playing. I’m Gen-X. I sit on the sidelines and watch the world burn. Devin, you’re up.

[Cut to Dylan. He’s in a screen between the jackpot prizes]

Dylan: Great, let’s do this. Come on, mortgage. And stop.

Host: Okay. Debt relief. [Cut to Host] Now Dylan, this prize can pay off your college loans up to $100,000.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Awesome. That will cover like half.

[Boomer sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh but wait! I think a boomer wants some of that money. Who’s there? [Cut to the stage. Collector boomer comes out of the door dancing and gesturing as playing guitar] Okay, [Cut to collector boomer] it’s the collector boomer. His finished his latter years of wiring everything he wanted in his youth. He owns six vintage cars and a wall of guitars. [Cut to the Host] But somehow he’s only an orthodontist.

[Cut to Collector Boomer]

Collector Boomer: Now this is music!

[Cut to the Host]

Host: Okay Dylan. We will give you the debt relief if you listen to our collector boomer without interrupting. Start this clock and go.

[Cut to split screen. Collector boomer at the left and Dylan at the right]

Collector Boomer: It’s crazy. I’d love to retire and free up a job for younger person. We’ve got the house in Jersey. There are house out on the cape which is a tax nightmare and this Scottsdale place. I mean it’s too much. What am I supposed to do.

Dylan: Sell one! Nobody needs that many houses! [Dylan leaves the show] [Buzzers sound] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh! Too bad. Looks like Dylan left in a Millennial submit. I guess he had to find a safe space. [Host laughs] Again, I am Gen-X. I just sit back and do nothing like a referee at Wrestle Mania. Okay, Carrie, it’s your lucky day. That means you get to play for the boomer birth right bonanza. That’s right. That’s a full time job, a starter home, no student debt and we will throw in the social security. In other words, you will get everything the boomers got just for being born at the right time.

[Cut to Carie]

Carrie: Great. That hurts to hear.

[Cut to Host]

Host: But, to win it you have to spend 30 seconds getting a life advice from the toughest boomer of all. [Cut to the stage with Host and Carrie] [Boomer Sound] Your dad!

[The door opens. Dad comes out of the door.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Host: All right. We have to take a break. [Cut to Host] But dad, give us a taste of what you are going to tell her.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I was going to explain that I don’t have student loans because I worked my way  through college—

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Yeah, right dad, because college cost $300 back then.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, don’t just start without me now. This is going to be good. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to outro of the show]