Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update House Passes Build Back Better Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up, the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all that, [picture changes to Joe Biden looking at a turkey] he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79. Half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats. I actually can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist? [picture changes to a boy inside a car. It’s a YouTube video called “David after dentist”.] I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest. So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver please surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges and said we are taking down the Biden regime. I hate to break it to you Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR, a social media platform popular with Trump allies. GETTR is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dave Chappelle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy. Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone problematic in Washington DC. Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the Michael Chase sucks Buck bathroom stall.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Gosar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some of my best work. Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know. He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.] [There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor:  [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Stuck in the House

Pete Davidson

Adam Sandler

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson in his house]

Pete Davidson: I’m stuck in the quar’, got nothin’ to do
I miss my friends, they miss me too
Sick of watchin’ shows and talkin’ on Zoom
Hiding from my mom, whackin’ in the bathroom
Sick of the same old questions (Old questions)
How’s it goin’? How you livin’?
What you bingin’? What’s for dinner?
Tired of the same repetition (repetition)
Grow a ‘stache, shave your head, work out, that’s for bitches
Tired of all the tomfoolery (Yeah)
Tired of my boy who still wears all his jewelry
Tired of sittin’ in the dark (In the dark)
Got nothin’ to watch, already did Ozark
Hand sani’ is now my best friend (My best friend)
Usin’ it so much it’s chappin’ my hands
I can’t wait for all this to end (Oh, man)
So we can go back to doin’ normal shit

Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Yeah)
For like two months been on my couch (Woah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about (Yeah)
It’s quarantine in my house (Woah)

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy, yeah

[Cut to Adan Sandler in his house]

Adam Sandler: I’m done with selfies, so don’t even ask
I’m stayin’ in the house in an underwear mask
Only pet my dog with a baseball mitt
Baking my own bread and it tastes like shit
I broke my leg two weeks ago
But I’m too scared to go to the hospital
Never go outside ’cause I might see my neighbor
Using both sides of my toilet paper
Wife tried to kiss me, I straight-up denied her
Miss the NBA, and I miss Rob Schneider
Tell the GrubHub guy, “Leave food on the street”
I’m so fuckin’ bored, I’m doing songs with Pete

Pete Davidson and Adam Sandler: Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Just kiddin’ about da wife)
For like two months been on my couch (All day, every day yeah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about
It’s quarantine in my house

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy