Weekend Update- Melissa Villaseñor on How to Quarantine Alone

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Many Americans are preparing to quarantine again this winter. Here to offer her tips on quarantining alone is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. [cheers and applause] Hey, nice suit.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Melissa. We’re all back at work now. But before that, you spend most of quarantine by yourself, right?

Melissa Villaseñor: Wow, Colin, way to throw it in my face. I say nice suit and you say “You’re always alone.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m sorry. That was pretty harsh. Sorry, Melissa.

Melissa Villaseñor: It’s okay. It’s alright. But you’re right, though. I’ll be honest. It wasn’t super fun all the time. Like, at first, all I wanted to do was watch silly stupid stuff. So, I found that old show ‘The Little Rascals’. Colin, would laugh so hard, I couldn’t make out a single word they were saying. They sounded like this. “[gibberish] Oh, no. [gibberish] hamburger.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. All I understood was hamburger.

Melissa Villaseñor: I was like, “Man, it must have been so fun to be a little rascal. Then I looked it up. It was not very fun to be a little rascal.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s a bummer to look into. Yeah.

Melissa Villaseñor: You know what always cheers me up though? Exercising. One day I was doing a wall sit for a whole minute. I don’t mean to brag. Then I sneezed like this. [squeaky voice like she is getting ready to sneeze] All my gamers out there know what sounds like, right? Link from Zelda. So I’m sitting there, legs on fire, sneezing like Link doing somersaults. And then, I peed a little. It happens, you know? It was funny. You should have been there.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, really bummed I missed it.

Melissa Villaseñor: I also got pretty creative. I remember I saw that TikTok of that guy skateboarding to Fleetwood Mac. So I thought I’d recreate it myself, you know? But instead of cranberry juice, I was holding my cat Ella. So, I’m skateboarding, holding Ella, singing to her.

[singing] Now here you pour again
you say you want your dinner
wait I don’t know how to skateboard
I’m falling down into a creek
oh, no, I peed again.

Colin Jost: Wow, again, huh?

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah. I’m glad you weren’t there for that one. But Colin, I couldn’t have gone through quarantine without relaxing music. And my favorite is Sia. Because she always sounds like she’s bumbled up and cozy in bed. Right? Just…

[singing] Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down,
[yawning] push it down

Come on, Sia. Start the day!

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: I wanna tickle my friends again.

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]