Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at left top corner.]
Well, after president Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most. A bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said that the people of Puerto Rico “Want everything to be done for them.” Then he told his caddy to repair his difficulty and drive him to the next hole.
Hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other president. Now, I believe him. It took George W. Bush five years to get his Katrina.
Meanwhile, rapper Pitbull [picture changes to rapper Pitbull] has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow, if only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the president of United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull? And you know Pitbull was doing it while also featuring on four different trckas and hosting Foam partis for bud light. Trump is busy doing the real work. Making excuses while half explaining what an island is. Just watch.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: This is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: What are you talking about? It’s not a treacherous journey. It’s Puerto Rico. Not skull island. Cruise ships full of retired aunts go there all the time. I think Trump is working of one of those old sailor maps with sea monsters on it.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: After mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, president Trump attacked her on twitter saying, “The mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago has now been told by the democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.” Oh, really, Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? How nasty? Are you shaking? Do you want to smoke a Virginia slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated issue, man. It’s a hurricane relief. These people need help. You just did this very same thing for white people, twice. Do the same thing. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons super bowl t-shirts, write them a check with our money, you cheap cracker! You know, in one month you have mishandled Puerto Rico, Daca, the NFL. It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has problem, you are thinking, “How can I make this worse?”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tom Price at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Health and human services secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned an all, but how about you pay us back the money? You can’t walk into a store and do a million dollars worth of damage and then be like, “Okay, I get it. I’ll leave.” No, man! Pay us. Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoir, “Oh, the places you’ll go in a government funded private jet.”
Michael Che: It’s a good book.
Colin Jost: It’s a long title, but a great one. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] This week, president Trump also continued his criticism of NLF players who took a knee during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, “Well, CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?” I’m worried it’s not gonna stop with the ESPN though. Next, he’s going to tweet a Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Adam Silver at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. Okay, the NBA is what? 130-140% black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How did this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy. You know, it’s hard to ask black players to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more abut it than us. Okay? And we love flag. It’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the bloods. And it’s not personal. You just got to understand, there’s 50 stars on the American flag. But black people, we only feel welcome in like, eight. Some of them stars, we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, he will be like, “Hey, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgement on the Dakotas.”