Husband… Jason Sudeikis
Wife… Heidi Gardner
Kenan Thompson[Starts with Husband and Wife sitting at the bar]
Husband: Hey, bartender, I’ll take another one. Double this time, please.
Wife: Honey, sitting here getting wasted is not going to change anything.
Husband: Well, I don’t know what else to do, Joe. We just lost everything.
Wife: Okay, but why would you go all in on pair of fours.
Husband: It’s called bluffing, babe. Are you trying to make me feel worse?
Wife: No, no. Baby. I’m just trying to understand.
Husband: Well, all you need to understand is that our savings are back to zero. Okay? So, we can forget about ever buying a new house. [Kenan walks slowly behind them] Your dad was right. I’m not a man. I’m just a little fat girl.
Wife: No, don’t say that.
Husband: No, no, no. That’s what he said.
Kenan: Rough night?
Kenan: Your night. It’s rough, right?
Husband: Yeah. I’m really not in the mood to talk buddy, Thanks.
Kenan: Is that your wife?
Husband: Yeah, it’s my wife.
Kenan: She’s beautiful.
Husband: Buddy, I asked you to nicely leave us alone, okay?
Kenan: Look. I don’t want any trouble. But I’m a very, very wealthy man. And I think your wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Husband: What did you say to me?
Wife: Let’s just go back to the room.
Husband: No, no. Hang on. What do you want, man?
Kenan: One night with your wife for $2,000.
Wife: My god!
Husband: Alright, you know what? I’m about to fist fight you, dude.
Kenan: Well, how about $5 million?[Husband and Wife look at each other]
Husband: $5 million?
Kenan: Like I said, I’m a very, very wealthy man.
Wife: [whispering] That’s a lot of money just to sleep with me.
Husband: Yeah. Plus I can probably double it playing back.
Wife: No, baby, no more gambling.
Husband: You’re right. You’re right.
Wife: It’s already more than enough money.
Husband: I know. Okay. I mean you’d have to sleep with the guy.
Husband: We’re doing this?
Wife: I mean, it’s $5 million.
Kenan: How aout $10,000
Husband: Yeah, what happened to the 5 million?
Kenan: Oh, so we’re negotiating? Fine. Let’s meet in the middle. $20,000
Husband: How is that the middle?
Wife: Yeah, look, I’m not sleeping with you for any amount of money. So, just get away from us.
Kenan: Not even for $6 million?
Wife: Are you actually offering us $6 million?
Kenan: Even better. I’m offering you $50,000.
Husband: No, no. How is that better?
Kenan: It’s easier to carry.
Husband: Dude! I’m giving you 10 seconds.
Kenan: Deal. Sold. I only need eight.
Husband: No. I meant to get away from us.
Kenan: Fine. Fine. One last offer. One full night with your wife for Kenan million doll-hairs.
Wife: Are you saying doll hairs or dollars?
Kenan: Oh, beauty and smart. I like that. I’m going to enjoy sleeping with you more now.
Husband: No. No. This guy is crazy. Hey, bartender, can we get the check please?
Kenan: Okay, look, look. I’m a very, very wealthy man. I’ll give you $600,000 for one night with your wife. For real. Last offer. No joke.
Wife: Baby, think about this. That’s still a lot of money.
Husband: I mean, we could get the house and I could actually go to college.
Wife: Yeah. And it’s only for one night.
Husband: I love you.
Wife: I love you too.
Kenan: Okay. 55,000 cash.
Wife: Why do you keep changing it?
Husband: You know what? Let me see the money.
Kenan: The money?
Husband: Yeah. 55,000 in cash. I would like to see it with my eyes.
Kenan: Well, it’s in this briefcase. [he isn’t holding anything]
Wife: What briefcase?
Husband: You’re not holding anything.
Kenan: Y’all got Vinmo?
Husband: Okay, this guy’s nuts.
Kenan: Fine. Hang on. What if she has sex with me?
Wife: That’s already what you been asking.
Husband: Bartender, check please.
Kenan: Fine, I will pay the check but you have to watch me have sex with your wife.
Kenan: Okay, fine. No sex, but you pay for my check too.
Kenan: Okay, fine. I’ll bet you $100 that I can sleep with your wife.
Wife: No. No. No more gambling.
Husband: You’re right. No.
Kenan: Okay fine. Husband zillion dollars.