The Race

Ian… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffatt

Chris Redd

Kevins… Kyle Mooney

Lindsay… Saoirse Ronan

Mrs. Routs…Saoirse Ronan

[Starts with Ian running somewhere in the office. He’s wearing a black suit. He crosses the hallway, passes many staffs and reaches to Alex and Chris. Alex is looking at the timer.]

Alex: Eight seconds flat.

Chris: Even better than last week.

Ian: Wow. I didn’t think I could get any faster.

[Kevins walks in]

Oh, I see you finally made it to work, Kevins. What happened? Did you walk here?

[everyone laughing]

Kevins: [sarcastically] Really funny, Ian.

[Kevins takes his seat. Lindsay is looking at him. She sits just at the next desk.]

Lindsay: Hey, you okay?

Kevins: Yeah. I’m fine.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: Good morning, everyone.

All: Good morning, Mrs. Routs.

Mrs. Routs: As you all know, it’s a big week for us. So I printed out some copies of– Oh, no! I left them down the hall.

[Ian suddenly starts running, comes back with the prints and gives them to Mrs. Routs.]

Wow! Okay, well, everyone take a good look at these and keep it up, Ian. That was fast.

Ian: Thank you, Mrs. Routs.

[Cut to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: I hate him.

Lindsay: So he’s fast, big deal.

Kevins: You don’t get it. When you can run like that, you’ve got it all. Money, all of those.

Lindsay: Why don’t you race him?

Kevins: I haven’t run for years.

Lindsay: You used to run around the office all the time.

[Cut to video clip of Kevins running around the office and everybody clapping for him] [Cut back to Kevins and Lindsay]

Kevins: Yeah. But then this happened.

[Kevins shows Lindsay a hole on his pants.]

Lindsay: So you made it complete fool out of yourself once. Who’s to say you can’t run fast again?

Kevins: And risk getting another hole in my pants? I’d rather [bleep] kill myself.

[Mrs. Routs walks in]

Mrs. Routs: And one more thing, I’m gonna need someone to run down the hall and pick up the signed documents tomorrow.

[Lindsay stands]

Lindsay: Kevins will do it.

Ian: What?

[Others are laughing]

Kevins: [whispering] What the hell are you doing?

Mrs. Routs: Kevins? Huh, well, I’ll let you guys decide.

[Ian, Alex and Chris walk to Kevins]

Ian: Well, well, well. What have you gotten yourself into, Kevins? Why don’t you leave it to somebody who isn’t slow?

[Alex and Chris are laughing]

Kevins: Okay, Ian, you wanna get the signed documents? Why don’t we race for it? Winner gets the signed documents.

Ian: Alright, Kevins, after hours, reception, be there. That is if you’re not too busy being slow.

[Ian, Alex and Chris jog away.]

Kevins: What have I gotten myself into?

Lindsay: Listen, I’ll train you.

Kevins: What?

Lindsay: I used to run fast too. Well, before this happened.

[Lindsay shows Kevins two holes on her pants.]

Kevins: Oh!

Lindsay: I understand if you don’t want my help.

[Lindsay turns and walks away]

Kevins: Wait, Lindsay. Or should I say, coach?

[Cut to Kevins walking. It looks like he’s trying to run. Lindsay is looking at him looking at the timer.]

Lindsay: Faster. I think my work here is done.

[Cut to Ian and Kevins getting ready to race. Lindsay had a gun in her hand.]

Kevins: Good luck.

[Ian spits on Kevins’s face.]

Lindsay: Ready?

[Lindsay shoots the gun upwards and Ian and Kevins begin running. All the staffs are looking and cheering for the race. Kevins wins the race. As everybody are cheering for him, Kevins looks at Lindsay and waves. Lindsay disappears.]

Random creature: She was a ghost.

[Cut to everybody in the office. Mrs. Routs walks in.]

Mrs. Routs: Alright everybody, let’s jump right in. As you all know, Lindsay turned out to be a ghost, that’s neither here or–

Ian: [interrupting] There’s something I need to tell you. Kevins is gonna pick up the signed documents from own the hall. He’s the fastest man for the job.

Mrs. Routs: Oh, no need. I came in a little early and I got them myself.

Ian: Okay.

Kevins: Cool.

Ian: No problem.

Mrs. Routs: I don’t know exactly what we do here, but let’s get to work.

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]