Tag: Idris Elba

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’]

[right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’]

[right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

The Impossible Hulk | Season 44 Episode 15

Dr. Bruce Banner… Idris Elba

Melissa Villaseñor

Security… Kenan Thompson

Impossible Hulk… Cecily Strong

Policeman… Mikey Day

[Starts with Dr. Bruce Banner in a shop. He finds a shirt at 50% off.]

Melissa Villaseñor: And your total was $208.45.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Sorry, did you say 208?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: And 45 cents, yes.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: The sign said it was half off.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Not this shirt. Just the stuff in that section.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, it was in that section.

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, then that was a mistake. [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] Somebody must have moved it.

Dr. Bruce Banner: Well, [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I guess I’ll just get my money back.

Melissa Villaseñor: I’m sorry sir, we only offer [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor] store credit. It’s store policy.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Oh, come on. That’s [Bleep].

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, I’m going to ask you to calm down and lower your voice.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Lower my voice. You’re trying to rip me off and I’m getting upset.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay, security.

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: And you won’t like me when I’m upset.

[Cut to Security walks in]

Security: What’s the problem here? [Dr. Bruce Banner starts shivering] What the hell?

Impossible Hulk: Let go of me.

Security: Ain’t nobody even toughing you.

Impossible Hulk: I want my money back right now.

Narrator: While working at his lab located above a Torrey Birch, Dr. Bruce Banner was hit with gamma radiation in a failed experiment causing him to transform into an embolded white lady whenever he is provoked. He is the Impossible Hulk.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: I told you sir, the store policy is–

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, you’re being aggressive. I’m calling the police.

[Cut to Security]

Security: For what?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

911: 911, what’s your emergency.

Impossible Hulk: Yes, hello, yes. I’d like to report an active aggression.

[Cut to Security and Impossible Hulk]

Security: We are literally just standing here.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Now they are crowding me, I can’t breathe.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sir, just take your money back. It’s fine.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: No, do not rest me; do not try to silence me.

[Cut to Security]

Security: Oh, man. This dude is impossible.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk, she struggles and turns back to Dr. Bruce Banner.]

Dr. Bruce Banner: What just happened?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner walking in a hallway and then knocks on a door]

Ego Nwodim: What?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Can you please turn the music down? I’m trying to sleep.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: You are forever complaining. Why don’t you just move?

Dr. Bruce Banner: Look, I don’t want to argue. [Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner] I’m asking you to turn the music down or else.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim. Chris Redd joins Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Or else what couz?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Or else I’m going to get upset.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Get upset then. What’s up?

[Cut to Dr. Bruce Banner shivering. He turns into the Impossible Hulk.]

Impossible Hulk: Let go of my arm.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim.]

Chris Redd: Ain’t nobody touching your arm.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: What’s your name? And everybody’s name in there.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, dude. Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I need your manager now.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: This is an apartment.

Ego Nwodim: Calm down.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: You will not get away with this.

911: 911, what’s your emergency?

Impossible Hulk: Yes, I’m being aggressed right now.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Ego Nwodim]

Chris Redd: Aggressed? What is that?

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: I’m shaking and I’m in a lot of fear.

Ego Nwodim: Mr. Banner, [Cut to Ego Nwodim] we’ll turn the music down for real. It’s not a problem.

[Cut to Impossible Hulk]

Impossible Hulk: Keep laughing. Keep laughing. You’re going to be in a lot—[She struggles and then turns back into Dr. Bruce Banner]

Chris Redd: Hey, you okay, bro?

Dr. Bruce Banner: I’m fine, I think I need a froyo.

Chris Redd: A froyo?

Narrator: Next time on the Impossible Hulk—

[Dr. Bruce Banner gets pulled over by a police]

Dr. Bruce Banner: Damn it!

Policeman: Yo, yo, yo, my man. Do you know why I’m stopping you?

Impossible Hulk: Because you’re an aggressive [Bleep] I’m filming you.

Policeman: FP drive safe.

PowerPoint | Season 44 Episode 15

Beck Bennett

Idris Elba

Bryan… Alex Moffat

Diane… Leslie Jones

Kevin… Chris Redd

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a presentation between staff members]

Beck Bennett: Okay, team, sales core industries.

Idris Elba: And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help your brush up on your Powerpoint skills.

Beck Bennett: Yes, we asked you to pair up and create a mock Powerpoint presentation. We have [Cut to Bryan and Diane] Bryan and Diane from sales. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal] Kevin and Crystal from market research. And, of course, [Cut to Henriette and Nan] Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionist.

Henriette: We don’t even use computers, just use the phone. So, we’ll see.

Nan: Hopefully our natural charm carried us through.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: I’m sure you did great. Let’s see everyone’s first slide. [Cut to Bryan and Diane’s presentation] Oh, wow! Great use of bullet points.

[Cut to Bryan and Diane]

Bryan: Well, what can I say, we make a great team.

Diane: Did we tell you we’re dating?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: A couple of times. Yes. How about you two. [Cut to Kevin and Crystal’s presentation] Okay, a nice border here.

[Cut to Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: Market research bringing our A-game.

Crystal: Whoop-whoop.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Whoop-whoop, it’s right. And, Henrietta and Nan.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan’s presentation. There’s nothing but random boxes.]

Beck Bennett: Okay. You know what, little trouble there. No worries.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan crying]

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Hey, ladies, don’t cry. You did a great job. You’re definitely communicating something.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We’re so sorry.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: What do you think happened?

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: I didn’t even know where to start.

Henriette: This is not my world.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay, ladies, it’s just a practice.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We just kept clicking on what I believe are called Digifiles. And strange things started happening.

Nan: We made trash sir.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just focus on your presentation and see where we can help.

Idris Elba: Is that okay with everybody else?

[Cut to everyone agreeing]

Bryan: Absolutely. Sure.

Diane: Yeah, I got to see this.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Awesome. Well, we asked you to make some slides about things you’re passionate about. So, Henreitta and Nan, let’s check these out. [Cut to slide that says ‘Corn bread’] Corn bread. All right. And you crossed it out.

[Cut to slide that says king a lot of times, carole and there’s a picture of Wayne Brady]

Idris Elba: Okay, it looks like Carole King and I see a small Wayne Brady in the corner.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: But that was already there.

Henriette: Yeah, we actually tried to get rid of him.

Nan: I’m frustrated.

Henriette: Yeah, and now honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I feel that I can’t learn.

Nan: We’re going to be fired and slapped.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Okay. That is not going to happen. This is an optional workshop. Next, we asked you to try using a graph of your choice. [Cut to slide that has a picture of a clock] And it looks like you put a clock on a shelf.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Nan: Oh, we fixed it in the next one.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Oh, yes. [The next slide has two clocks] Now there’s two clocks.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Yes, that’s right. There’s one for each of us.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, moving on. A boy with a speaker in his eye.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We thought we could make a music video. We were so arrogant.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: That’s okay. You aimed high, let’s see where you landed. The word undo and a picture of knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: We were trying to undo.

Nan: We kept hitting undo.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: And you added more knives.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: I’m a total simple turd.

Nan: I’m an idiot bitch.

Henriette: My husband has to tie my shoes in the morning.

Nan: I only went to preschool.

Henriette: I tripped in church and I showed my ass.

Nan: Once I couldn’t figure out how to turn off my radio, so I poured water on it, and I blew up my house.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Idris Elba: Ladies you don’t need to do this.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: No, I’m not done. I am not diligent about brushing my teeth. I don’t do it every day or whatever.

Nan: And I wipe as best I can, but there’s always more.

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: Oh, my god. Stop. Just stop.

Idris Elba: That is enough.

[Cut to Bryan, Diane, Kevin and Crystal]

Kevin: I mean we can’t unhear that.

Diane: Whatever? There’s always more?

[Cut to Idris and Beck]

Beck Bennett: All right, I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re done.

Idris Elba: Yeah, yeah. On behalf of Microsoft, we can say that you could stay on the phones and so you never have to use Powerpoint again.

[Cut to Henrietta and Nan]

Henriette: Oh, thank god.

Nan: Not in a million years.

[Cut to everybody]

Diane: And bitch, brush your teeth.

Magic Show | Season 44 Episode 15

Rudulfo… Idris Elba

Sheila… Leslie Jones

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Rudulfo on the stage]

Rudulfo: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am great Rudulfo. Welcome to a world where impossible is quite possible. My usual assistant won’t be joining us tonight. She called in pregnant. She told me she wasn’t even dating, so how did that happen? Magic. Okay, luckily the manager of the casino said his wife would be willing [Cut to the Clarence nodding his head] to fill as she was pretty much the same size. [Cut to Rudulfo] Let’s all meet her. Please welcome, Sheila.

[Sheila walks in]

Rudulfo: What the–? [Shocked looking at her size. She is too big.]

Sheila: I’m here, master.

Rudulfo: Oh, no, you don’t have to call me master. Wow, you look lovely.

Sheila: Thank you, [Cut to Sheila] I put on your assistant’s costume. I guess we’re both size two. I was destined to be your assistant.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby. You can do anything, go ahead, baby.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you Clarence. That’s my husband. He’s old, but he knows how to handle a real woman.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby, you going to be great, baby.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: No doubt. But a lot of my illusions have been custom made for my previous assistance.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: I ain’t worried about that, let’s do some magic.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay, let’s get started with the first trick. Behold, a box from ancient Egypt. My lovely assistant would step inside.

[Rudulfo opens the box and Sheila tries to get inside]

Sheila: Yes, master.

[Sheila is struggling to enter because she is too big]

Rudulfo: Okay, get your head in there.

Sheila: Hold on a second.

Rudulfo: Okay? Okay, breathe in a little.

[Rudulfo closes the door]

Sheila: Okay. I got it.

Clarence: You got this, baby?

[Rudulfo brings a sword]

Rudulfo: Ancient law has it that no blade shall touch the pure of heart. Sheila, are you ready?

Sheila: Yes, I am, master.

Rudulfo: Is your back arched like a graceful swan.

Sheila: No, it is not. But let’s do this.

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka-laka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough of that.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: No, no, no, she can handle it. Stick the sword in there.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough.

[Rudulfo opens the door]

[Sheila comes out of the box with lot of blood but still happy]

Sheila: The great Rudolfo, everyone. Would you like to levitate me now, master?

Rudulfo: No, perhaps we should postpone the show.

Sheila: No, come on, I can do this.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Yeah, she’s right, let her do stuff.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Very well, for our finale tonight, behold, the water tank of death. You, sir.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Come on baby, you got this, just like that time you fell in the tub.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Sir, come up here and put these handcuffs on me.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Oh, absolutely.

Rudulfo: Now, [Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila] the average man can hold their breath for two minutes, with my arms shackled. I have 120 seconds to release my assistant before the water becomes a watery tomb.

Clarence: This is what I’m talking about.

Rudulfo: When you are ready, descend into the tank.

Sheila: I will descend into the tank now master.

Rudulfo: Start the clock.

[Sheila doesn’t want to get in the tub because of cold water]

Sheila: Wait a minute, they do this every night.

Rudulfo: I’m having trouble with my chain. Is my assistant inside?

Sheila: Almost here, master. Okay. Save me Rudolfo.

[Sheila slowly gets inside the water tank, but she doesn’t even drown in the tank because she’s too big]

Clarence: You’re supposed to put your head under the water.

Sheila: I did, shut up.

Clarence: Hey, man, what is going on here? [Cut to Rudulfo and Clarence] I paid you good money to kill my wife.

Rudulfo: I’m trying to, man. But she’s not making it easy.

[Cut to the stage with everybody]

Clarence: You’re damn right, she don’t make nothing easy. I brought this just in case. [Clarance brings a hairdryer]

Rudulfo: Where are you going?

Clarence: Yeah, that’s right, baby. Let me help you out.

Sheila: Help!

Clarence: Hold this. I’m going to find a plug and plug it in. Here you go.

Can I Play That? | Season 44 Episode 15

Denny Glans… Kenan Thompson

David… Idris Elba

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Lawrence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Can I Play That intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for actors least favorite game—

Audience: Can I Play That?

Narrator: With your host, Denny Glans.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww! Anybody else.

[Cut to David and Jackie. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: He absolutely cannot. He’s not black enough. [Right answer ring]

David: What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: You are right, Jackie.

[Cut to David and Jackie]

David: Wait, wait, wait. Is this real?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: It sure is because this game is produced by twitter. Twitter, one mistake and we’ll kill you. All right, our first role is blind person, can you play it?

[Cut to Contestants. David hits the button.]

David: Yeah, can I play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow, god took their sight and now you want to take their jobs?

[Cut to David]

David: No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Isn’t that what acting is all about? You know, becoming somebody you’re not?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Not anymore, no. Now it’s becoming yourself but with a different haircut. Okay, next role, astronauts.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: No, I cannot play that. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, why can’t he play that?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I just sensed it was a trap.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: And it was. The astronaut was secretly Mexican all along.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

David: Secretly?

Denny Glans: That’s right. The astronaut seemed white the whole movie, but in the last scene, when he gets back from Jupiter, he goes ’23 and me’ and discovers he’s 5% Mexican.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Oh man, that would have been no bueno. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Watch it. Okay, now, what about Caitlyn Jenner in the Caitlyn Jenner biopic.

[Cut to David]

David: Okay, I can’t play that.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. Bonus follow up question, who could play Caitlyn Jenner?

[Cut to Contestants. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: No one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. It is an impossible movie to make, I dare someone to try. All right, a character who is half Asian.

[Cut to David]

David: Is the character visibly Asian?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow! Visibly Asian? Let’s take 100 points away from him please. And, bonus question, which actor can play Japanese?

[Cut to Denny Jackie]

Jackie: Anyone who’s Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and maybe Pakistani. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Exactly. Once you’re generally Asian that’s as far as anybody looks into it. And last role, a ghost.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: That depends, who’s the ghost?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Michael Jackson.

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, what movie is this?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans:  The Michael Jackson ghost movie. It’s on lifetime.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I’m going to say no one can play that. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww, close, only one person can play the ghost of Michael Jackson. Can you name that person?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Oh, I know, Rami Malek. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: A white guy. [Right answer ring] A white guy who gains 50 pounds. [Right answer ring] Slave owner. [Right answer ring] And that’s it. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. You named all three roles you can play. All right. Jackie, your turn. What can you play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Mom. [Right answer ring] Horny mom. [Right answer ring] White teacher who helps minorities. [Wrong answer buzzer] A white teacher who learns from minorities. [Right answer ring] And a president of the United States.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In comedy or drama?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Comedy. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In a comedy, we will accept it, yes. Okay, Derek, you’re up.

[Cut to David]

David: Can I pass?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, that depends. You want me to put your face on Michael Jackson ghost poster? Okay, then. 10 seconds on the clock. What can you play, and go?

[Cut to David]

David: Sammy Davis Jr. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: No, he was Jewish.

[Cut to David]

David: Extra in an ADT home commercial. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Nope, those are all white people now.

[Cut to David]

David:  Alien from outer space. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, when the actual aliens arrive, do you really want to be the guy who put on green face?

[Cut to David]

David: Fine, how about a new voice in the new ‘Lion King’.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hmm, which voice?

[Cut to David]

David: It doesn’t matter, all animals are African.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Yeah, but society has decided that the lion voices are black, but meercat is Billy Eichner.

[Cut to David]

David: Then I’ll play damn bird, Zazu. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?

[Ends with outro]

Supportive Friend | Season 44 Episode 15

Allen… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Greg… Idris Elba

Mikey Day

[Starts with four friends sitting in a bar]

Allen: Hey, here’s to another year of following our dreams. I mean, look, guys we’re really doing it, acting in LA.

Cecily Strong: You mean auditioning.

[Everyone laughs]

[Cut to Allen and Aidy]

Allen: Well, you know, I don’t mind auditioning, I see them as little performances. I’m not there to get a part, I’m there to act.

Aidy Bryant: Wow, can I use that?

Allen: Yeah, whatever helps. We’re on this together. [Cut to everybody] Hey, this next round’s on me. I shall return. [Allen leaves to get drinks]

Alex Moffat: Oh hey, look, there’s Greg. Hey Greg.

[Greg walks in the bar and joins]

Greg: Hey guys, man, I got some good news. I’m just going to say it. I booked it. I on the second lead on the new ‘CSI’, ‘CSI: Memphis’.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: No way man! You got the part?

Cecily Strong: Greg, that’s amazing.

[Cut to everyone]

Alex Moffat: You’re perfect for it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, congrats, Greg.

[Allen comes back with drinks]

Allen: Here we go. Greg, what’s up man?

Greg: Really good, man. I was just actually telling the gang that I got the ‘CSI’ gig.

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? Dude. That’s amazing. No way. No. No. Oh. I love that! Yeah. [Cut to Alen] Yeah. Congrats, man. Second lead, right?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Yeah, yeah, the second lead, man.

Allen: Oh! Yes, yes, yes. On second lead on CSI. That’s awesome, man. [Cut to everybody] Look at you, everything’s clicking. You should be happy. I am! What are they paying you? Like $30,000 an episode?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Oh, actually, it’s like $80,000.

[Cut to Allen]

Allen: What the hell is that?  Yes, $80,000 an EP, $80,000 an EP! Such great, dude. You making money, makes me feel happy. [Cut to Allen and Greg] My prayers are answered. I’m loving it.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Allen, are you okay?

Alex Moffat: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out right now?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? No, I’m good dude. Just pumped for my friend Greg. Excuse! Got to go outside.

[Cut to everybody. Allen leaves the bar.]

Greg: Did I say something wrong, man? I feel like Allen’s upset.

Cecily Strong: No, I think he just can’t handle his excitement.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: No! It should have been me!

Greg: I don’t know, I think he might be a bit jealous.

Cecily Strong: No, Allen’s not like that.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: Somebody love me!

Alex Moffat: Greg, we’re all happy for you, including Allen.

[Allen comes back to the bar]

Allen: Hey, I’m back in the building. What are we talking about? [Cut to Allen and Greg] Still Greg’s thing? That’s awesome.

Greg: Oh, thanks Allen, man. But I know your big break is coming real soon. Man, you got so much to offer, right, especially with Karate thing and everything.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you come out here to be a Karate actor?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: Yes, I want to be the next Jackie Chan. The Karate forward performer.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: Well, I mean, I’d like to see that.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, me too. [Cut to everybody] Show us some Karate.

Allen: Come on guys, it’s Greg’s big day. I don’t want to steal his thunder.

Greg: Come on Allen, [Cut to Allen and Greg] nothing would make me happier than to see you do some Karate right now.

Cecily Strong: Come on Greg, do it.

[Cut to everybody. Allen starts showing his karate skills. It’s horrible.]

Mikey Day: Guys, check it out. This guy’s doing really cool Karate. [Other people come to watch Allen]

Allen: I don’t know. Something like that.

[Everyone claps]

Cut for Time: New Cast Member | Season 44 Episode 15

Kyle Mooney

Adam Zekeman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Idris Elba

[Starts with video clips of Kyle Mooney walking down the streets]

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve been on SNL for six years now. And it can be such a challenge to find your place on the show. That’s why it’s so amazing when a new cast member gets the chance to shine. [Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera] Unfortunately though, not all first year cast members have easy time with it. It gets kind of where Adam’s at.

[Cut to Dress Rehearsal room]

Kenan Thompson: But what if they don’t?

Kyle Mooney: It was all for nothing.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, exactly. Remember.

Kyle Mooney: All right. Cool. I got that. [Kyle Mooney leaves. Adam Zekeman walks to Kenan Thompson]

Adam Zekeman: So, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: What’s up man?

Adam Zekeman: Hey man, so I’m not in the show again, this week. Just wondering if you got any news for the new guy?

Kenan Thompson: Um, just keep trying. You know? There’s always next week.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, the master speaks wisely. All right brother, love your ass. SNL!

[Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera]

What’s up people, I am Adam Zekeman, one of the new cast members on Saturday Night Live. You might be thinking, “I don’t recognize this guy.” Well, the truth is they haven’t used me too much this year. But it’s still been an amazing journey. From hearing my name in the intro, [Cut to small clip from intro featuring Adam Zekeman] [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera] , to the random awesome sketches they have put me in [Cut to small clip from sketches featuring Adam Zekeman]. And even if you didn’t have a ton of lines last week, there’s still a chance that this week, you’ll write an amazing new character.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman in the hallway. Mikey Day is walking.]

Mikey Day. Mickey! Hey man! Would you want to work on that Stoned Cowboy thing?

Mikey Day: Oh, um, I don’t think I can this week.

Adam Zekeman: No problemo! All right, just text me if things change or whatever.

Mikey Day: Yeap!

Adam Zekeman: Friday night, people get busy. But that’s just for the job. [Cut to Adam walks to Leslie Jone’s office door, knocks and opens the door] Hey Leslie.

Leslie Jones: [Bleep] off, Zekeman.

[Adam Zekeman closes the door]

Adam Zekeman: Love her. Um, probably just going to end up writing on my own tonight. Easier that way.

[Cut to Wardrobe fitting room. Adam Zekeman is wearing waiter costume.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, that cowboy thing was super funny, so it’s not going.

Adam Zekeman: Um, thanks Mooney. At least I get to play this weird waiter.

Kyle Mooney: I think it’s just a regular waiter. See you man.

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

[Mikey Day walks to Adam Zekeman]

Mikey Day: Hey, Adam, we’re going to have to lose you from the restaurant piece.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, okay. Is the sketch too long? Or?

Mikey Day: No. Also, is this your crumpled up drawing of you winning an Emmy award? [Mikey Day hands over a paper with rough drawing] Cleaning crew found it in your garbage can. Yeah, I thought it might be your’s.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, I don’t think so. What the hell.

Mikey Day: All right. [Mikey Day leaves] See you dude.

Adam Zekeman: Thanks man.

[Cut to rehearsal on stage]

Well, I got cut from the sketch. That’s real funny. But that happens for the best. [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to the camera] Well, usually not the best. But the good news is, this week is also the SNL winter carnival [Cut to clips from carnival] where we play carnival games and can potentially win a spot on the show. So, this might be my last chance.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney receiving a cotton candy in the carnival]

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant is playing a game to hit balloon with bullseye needles. Beck Bennett is watching Aidy Bryant]

Beck Bennett: Hah! Maybe try hitting one.

[Aidy Bryant hits Beck Bennett with the bullseye needle. Beck Bennett is hurt.]

Aidy Bryant: Bitch!

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: The winter carnival is always dope. There’s games and cotton candy. And I always get to punch some weird ass juggler.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking in the carnival]

Adam Zekeman: Wow. Those are some of the most colorful balloons I’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Test your strength and maybe you could win a part on the show. [Adam walks to Alex Moffatt to try winning the part] Oh, the Zekeman.

[Everyone is looking at Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: Well. Here goes nothing. [Adam Zekeman wins the game]

Wow!

[Everyone is cheering for Adam Zekeman]

Original Weekend Update character. It’s my time to shine, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Nice work, Zekeman.

[Cut to set of Weekend Update. Adam Zekeman is there as Stoned Cowboy with Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, the Stoned Cowboy. I think you might be a little too stoned.

Adam Zekeman: No way, amigo. [Cut to Adam Zekeman] My eyes are just red from all the, um, trail dust.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking out of the stage door. Everyone is cheering and clapping for Adam Zekeman]

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat walks to Adam Zekeman]

Kyle Mooney: It’s over Adam. I know you switched the malice.

[Idris Elba joins Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat]

Idris Elba: You dirty little rat. You stole my bid.

Adam Zekeman: I can explain.

Idris Elba: You’re going to jail, mate.

[Two policemen walk in and arrest Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: I was just trying to get on the show. Please. I’m sorry.

Kyle Mooney: You lying sack of [Bleep].

[Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera]

So, obviously we had to send Adam to jail and unfortunately he passed away few hours later. But the good news is, we got a new cast member. Ladies and gentleman, meet Coby Murphy.

[Coby Murphy joins]

Coby Murphy: [Coby Murphy acting weird] We think it’s going to be fun rest of the season. I don’t know.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, it’s good.

Gold Diggers | Season 44 Episode 15

Donell, Young Buck… Chris Redd

Terry Mack… Idris Elba

Lionel Hodges… Kenan Thompson

Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Jane Sawyer… Cecily Strong

Tamika Williams… Leslie Jones

Trish… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: In 1996, the WNBA was formed, finally giving women’s professional basketball a national stage. With it came the Glitz, the glamor, the parties, and of course, the playaz. Terry Mack, Lionel Hodges and introducing Donnell. A.K.A. Young Buck. They are the gold diggers of the WNBA.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges get inside the party room]

Young Buck: Man, this party is insane.

Terry Mack: Welcome to the big leagues, Young Buck.

Young Buck: What’s this place called again?

Terry Mack: Double Tree Hotel Bar.

Lionel Hodges: Woo! This place is crawling with fine ass WNBA ballers.

Terry Mack: Each one of these women right here sitting on contract worth 60 to 90 G’s a year. Now, if you play your cards right man, some of that cheddar could be in your pocket.

Lionel Hodges: That’s right. Imagine the lifestyle of being a kept man of a WNBA star. Two bedroom condo. Timeshare vacations in Orlando. Shopping sprees at Nordstrom rack.

Terry Mack: You may have drove here in a 2003 Toyota Camry, but you could leave here in the front seat of a 2016 Toyoto Camry.

Young Buck: I like the sound of that.

Lionel Hodges: Well, just listen to us, and you could end up set just like my man Maxwell.

[Cut to Maxwell sitting on a lap of a woman athlete playing Nintendo Switch]

Young Buck: Wait, did she buy him that Nintendo Switch?

Lionel Hodges: Hm-mmm. It was a make-up gift. She must have been cheating.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Yo, this is so awesome. So, how did you all become WNBA gold diggers.

Terry Mack: Gold digger is such an ugly world. I prefer calling slaying your penis for cash.

Lionel Hodges: You see, when the WNBA came around in 1996, it changed the gigolo game forever. It’s a never ending cycle of beautiful athletic middle class women travelling from mid major city to mid major city, looking for good time.

[Music starts playing]

Terry Mack: Oh, that’s my jam. Now, what do you know about this?

Lionel Hodges: Well, you know I know something about this. Come on with it.

[Terry and Lionel start dancing]

[Jane Sawyer tries to join Terry and Lionel]

Jane Sawyer: You mind if I cut in?

Terry Mack: No, not right now, baby girl.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, I’m just trying to dance with my fellas, thank you very much.

Jane Sawyer: All right, you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Damn!

[Jane Sawyer leaves]

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Guys, I think she was into us, man.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, man, [Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges] forget her, man. That’s just Jane Sawyer. Small forward for the mystics.

Terry Mack: She’s a bench warmer. I’m looking for a lady that can almost dunk.

Lionel Hodges: Speaking of which, is that who I think it is?

[Cut to Tamika Williams]

Terry Mack: Yeah, miss Tamika Williams.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Who’s Tamika Williams?

Lionel Hodges: Man, she’s one of the highest paid ballers in the league. Almost 100,000 a year.

Terry Mack: Not to mention the five figure endorsement deal with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. She took me to her place one time. Stainless steel appliances. California King, brother.

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Damn. That’s cray.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Terry Mack: Down pillows, at least six.

Lionel Hodges: What? She got an end unit washer and dryer too?

Terry Mack: No, that was in the building, though.

Lionel Hodges: I’ll take that.

Young Buck: Let’s see if she got some friends.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, yeah. All right.

[Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges walk upto Terry Mack]

Terry Mack: Hey, what up, girl? You can’t say hi no more?

Tamika Williams: Hey, Larry, right?

Terry Mack: Girl, you know my name is Tarry, girl. So, what you doing up in here?

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, where are we going for the after party?

Tamika Williams: We? I don’t have much room in my Camry, so we not going nowhere.

Trish: You ready, baby girl?

Terry Mack: Oh, oh, so you messing with Trish now? You know, she’s just going to use you.

[Cut to Tamika and Trish]

Trish: Who are these fools?

Tamika Williams: Groupies.

[Cut to everybody]

Terry Mack: Groupies. So you’re going to just dog me out like that after the night we spent together? [Cut to Tamika, Terry and Trish] Well, I got news for you, you pregnant and it’s mine.

Tamika Williams: I do not have time for this. Let’s go to Caberries. [Tamika leaves]

Trish: It’s Carrabbas, babe. We’re going to Carrabbas.

[Cut to everybody]

[Tamika and Trish are gone]

Terry Mack: You know, you leaving, nobody wants you anyway.

Young Buck: Damn, man. What are the odds she leaves with like another woman?

Terry Mack: Oh, probably nine out of ten.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, huge chance. Huge chance.

[Ends with outro]

Soccer Broadcast | Season 44 Episode 15

Peter Toppman… Mikey Day

Jeremy Feathers… Alex Moffat

David Kooseman… Idris Elba

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Rose… Melissa Villaseñor

Will Hutchins… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro of Premier League Football by Sky Sports]

Narrator: Sky Sports presents Premier League Football. Manchester United and Arsenal.

[Cut to Peter Toppam and Jeremy Feathers in their program set]

Peter Toppam: Welcome to our prematch coverage. Peter Toppam announcing today alongside Jeremy Feathers here at Emirates stadium.

Jeremy Feathers: And a special guest joins us in the booth. He’d normally be on the pitch for Arsenal. But a nasty ligament tear last week put him on the injured list. So, he’s trying his hand at announcing.

Peter Toppam: Hand. Yellow card.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, you snitch.

Peter Toppam: Making his broadcast debut, arsenal defender, [Cut to David Kooseman] David ‘the bruiser’ Kooseman.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: All right. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, as you are a man of few words. Fans have rather cheekily nicknamed you Dumb David.

David Kooseman: Yeah.

Peter Toppam: Now, I think you might be a secret intellectual.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Nah.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Alright. Tell us David, how’s the leg?

David Kooseman: Which one?

Jeremy Feathers: Well, the leg you injured David, how is it?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It’s injured, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Yes. Any idea when we can expect you back on the field again?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah. When my leg’s better.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, we wish you a speedy recovery. In the meantime you’re here with us. Feels a bit different in a suit and tie on, rather than your kit. How does it feel?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: It feels a bit gay.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right, don’t say that David.

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, well, Arsenal’s defense has been playing catch up and we saw a good example of that last week against Tottenham. [Cut to video clip of the match] Harry Kane on the attack [The video clip pauses] and look at Arsenal’s defenders. [Circling two defenders] One behind the play, one trying to get in front of it. David, anything to add?

David Kooseman: Yeah. [David adds to drawing of two circles into a penis]

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Jeremy Feathers: Come on. David, come on.

Peter Toppam: You’re a grown man, David. Well, lots of supporters in the stadium today including [Cut to Anna in the audience] Arsenal star Roy Milleroon’s wife, Anna.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, there she is now, ready to cheer on her husband.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: That’s gross David. That’s your team mate’s wife.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: He smashes all the girls on the road. He can’t be mad if I nob his wife.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Don’t say that, David. Okay. Anna, of course, [Cut to Anna and Rose] joined today in the stands by her mum Rose.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Yeah, I’d smash that too.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: All right. Wish you had not said that. Because next to Rose [Cut to Rose and Alicia] is your wife David, Alicia.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: She’s a good bird, faithful.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right, yes. Well, now our player to watch this week is Arsenal striker [Cut to player screen with Will Hutchins] Will Hutchins coming off three straight matches of Stellar Play. [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] Now, David what are your thoughts on your teammate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, he’s got a good knob for a white guy. I’ll tell you.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Don’t say that.

Jeremy Feathers: It’s inappropriate.

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I saw it in the shower. Massive. Good for him man.

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Well, Arsenal has the working out for them today. Man United of course. Quite a tough squad to beat.

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Yes. David, let’s say you’re the coach of the Arsenal.  What do you say to the boys before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, yeah, I’m not the coach, though, am I?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Right, but pretend you are, what do you say to the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry, lads, the coach is dead, and I’m the coach now.”

[Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David]

Peter Toppam: Don’t worry about justifying why you David are the coach. You just are. Let’s try this. I’m an arsenal player. Give me a prematch pep talk.

David Kooseman: You couldn’t play, [Cut to David]  you’re too small, look at you.

Peter Toppam: All right, [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] let’s say I am on the team. What would you say to me before the match?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say “Sorry mate, I have to trade you, because you’re to small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Forget me, let’s say it’s Jared.

Jeremy Feathers: Yeah, I’m on the team. Now, what do you tell me before kick off?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: I’d say, “Sorry I had to trade your mate because he’s too small.”

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Jeremy Feathers: Okay, let’s just scrap the coach scenario.

Peter Toppam: You’re no longer the coach, you’re David, what strategy do you give the team?

[Cut to David]

David Kooseman: Well, now, that’s the coach’s job, isn’t it?

[Cut to Peter and Jeremy]

Peter Toppam: Right. Well, David, we’re thrilled you’ll be joining us here for the next 10 games.

Jeremy Feathers: Yes, yes, and coming up [Cut to Peter, Jeremy and David] the Pizza Express Look Around the League.

David Kooseman: I think pizza express tastes like an old man’s diaper.

Peter Toppam: All right. That’s the worst one yet David.

Jeremy Feathers: Oh, David. No. Stay with us.