Tag: Impeachment

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro]

[Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Impeachment Trial Begins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of United States capital at left top corner.]

Guys! The impeachment trial started this week. Am I crazy or was Adam Schiff on my television for 100 hours straight? Even when I turned the TV off, there still was an outline of him burned into the screen. What happened was democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe president Trump has been egregious abuser of power in American history. And then republicans laid out their defense, the shrug emoji.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an orphanage burn, Mitch McConnell defended his plan for the trial saying the country is waiting to see if we can rise to the occasion. I would maybe say you’re not rising to the occasion considering one senator fell asleep, Ran Paul was dong a crossword puzzle and some republican senators even brought fidget spinners to play with. I assume this symbolize how the founding fathers are spinning in their graves.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You better than Colin. I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day long Powerpoint. This was supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of Morey. There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated and republicans are still like, “But Morey, he loved me.” Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility, who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lindsey Graham also said that president Trump was bored by the whole impeachment trial, which isn’t a surprise since Trump typically loses focus halfway through his own sentences. For example, here he is this week talking about Elon Musk.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on CNBC interview]

Donald Trump: He’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. He does good at rockets too, by the way. And I was worried about him because he’s one of our great geniuses and we have to protect our geniuses. We have to protect Thomas Edison.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: We have to protect Thomas Edison? I think that’s a line Nick Cage yells in National Treasure.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden then rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While, his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, maybe I’m paranoid but I’m starting to think democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. Coz every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.” I mean, you’re telling me that United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for like 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That’d be like Jamaica forgot how to unwind!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lev Parnas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And now, a recording a service to president Trump telling adult cabbage patch doll Lev Parnas that he wanted the former ambassador to Ukraine fired. Here is the audio.

[Cut to president Trump’s subtitles to the recording]

Donald Trump: Get rid of her. Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Take her out? I would maybe choose the words more carefully when you’re talking to someone who looks like [Picture changes to Lev Parnas] a professional car bomber. Also, how was a random person able to secretly record the president on his phone. I mean they take a way your phone if you go to see Dave Chappelle do stand up.

And speaking of recordings, [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani on Friday launched a podcast called ‘Rudy Giuliani common sense’ in which he offers his defense of president Trump. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pan’s pocket. The title of the first episode is, I swear to god, ‘Since no crimes exist, it must be dismissed.” And according to reviewers, Rudy was once highly regarded but now seems mildly retar– No, I can’t read that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I would have said it!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Cathy Anne

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.

Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.

Michael Che: You’re 21?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.

Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.

Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.

Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?

Cathy Anne: I went back to school.

Michael Che: You did?

Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.

Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?

Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mick Mc–

Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: Okay!

Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.

Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–

Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?

Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!

Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!

Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!

Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!

Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?

Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.

Michael Che: Why?

Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut!

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?

Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!

Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?

Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.

Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update End of Impeachment Trial

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of impeachment at left top corner.]

Well, the impeachment trial is basically over. As a sense, I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began. We didn’t even get to hear any of the witnesses in this trial. And by the way, look the witnesses we could have had. You don’t wanna hear anything from thee guys? They look like two characters in a video game who give you the best information. My questions for them aren’t even about Trump. My questions are like, “What’s your deal? Walk us through a typical day. What kind of food do you eat? Is it human food?”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and United States Capitol]

It was reported that President Trump pushed for the vote to be on Tuesday so that he could boast about his acquittal during the state of the union, but now experts are saying that Trump might strike a more humble tone. And we actually have an advance copy of his speech.

[Cut to a video clip of a man b-boying in front of the United States Capitol. The boy’s face is edited into Donald Trump’s face.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked in February at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! What better way to start black history month than to be failed by the justice system. Why was this impeachment ever a good idea? We would have been better off just yelling, “Citizens arrest!” [Picture changes to Alan Dershowitz] And why didn’t we get Alan Dershowitz? This dude was amazing. He somehow convinced the court that a president should be allowed to break the law as long as it’s good for the country. That’s like telling your girl you only cheated to practice being good at sex for her. You know what? That’s it! I’m a republican now. I’m tired of losing. I can’t be a democrat and a Knicks fan. This is too much heart rate, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ken Starr at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump’s other attorney was Clinton impeachment prosecutor Ken Starr who said that, “Presidential impeachment has become a weapon to be wielded against one’s political opponent.” Which is a “So hypocritical even a guy like Ken Starr has to be ashamed to make it.” Maybe that’s why he showed up to the trial looking like [Picture changes to Ken Starr at the day of impeachment] a priest walking into a porno theater.

[Picture changes to John Bolton]

In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If you’re friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and right a novel called, “The killer behind you”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Palestinian flag and Mahmoud Abbas at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Palestinian president has rejected Trump’s middle east peace plan saying “1,000 nos to the deal.” Incidentally, 1,000 nos is what Trump calls consent.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump’s son in law Jared Kushner who I think played Lube Man in Watchman, he has been working on middle east peace plan for nearly three years. So, I’m sure he is evenly considered the feelings on both sides.

[Cut to Jared Kushner speaking on CNN news]

Jared Kushner: The Palestinian leadership have to ask themselves a question. Do they wanna have a state? Do they wanna have a better life? If they don’t, then they’re gonna screw up another opportunity like they have screwed up every other opportunity that they’ve ever had in their existence.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? Sounds like someone’s dad is about to bulldoze the community center. That clip is so gross. I have never seen a self entitled, over confident white guy, and I’m me.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amy Klobuchar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during Iowa Caucuses for bringing her families Tater Tot Hot Dish to event. Co-incidentally, Tater Tot Hot Dish is the name of the guy [Picture changes to Joe Biden] Joe Biden wrestled at a public pool in 1962

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pompeo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait, that one is Ukraine?”

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro on Fox News Handling Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Michael  Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.

[cheers and applause]

[Jeanine Pirro joins in]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.

Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.

Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.

Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?

Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.

Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.

Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!

Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.

Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.

Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]

Colin Jost:  It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now here to share his thoughts on historic impeachment hearings is Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey Colin!

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? What’s your take on impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I just said that so you let met me come out here. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have no idea what’s going on. I’m still trying to get through the Irishman. By the time it’s over, I’m gonna need the anti-ageing technology. Hell!

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, nothing about impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Nothing.

Colin Jost: Well, are you dating anyone?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And it’s not fair, Colin. You get to data famous woman and everyone is delighted. [Cut to Pete Davidson ] But when I do it, the world wants to punch me in the throat. What did do I? If I’m your type of guy that your daughter or mother is into, then trust me, I’m the best case scenario. There are a million guys who look like me and I’m the only one with a job. It’s like me or Tyga. It’s hard to follow Gumby. I can’t believe you let me do this during the Eddie Murphy episode. So many fans being reminded why they stopped watching.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, a lot of people remember you as the youngest person since Eddie Murphy joined the cast.

Pete Davidson: Yeah! I wish they wouldn’t. It’s mean to Eddie. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There was a time where he had been in number one movie, show and song at the same time. I don’t think there was an episode where I was in both a live sketch and a video. You’re out there Colin, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]just rubbing elbows with the avengers. Elbows at the least. That’s my boy. That’s my boy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] When I’m done with the show, I’ll be sitting around waiting for Tash to retire. [Cut to Pete Davidson] “Hey kid, you want to see a fat kid mess up the national anthem?” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Sorry. I don’t like that guy.

Colin Jost: Pete, what are you doing for the holidays?

Pete Davidson: Oh! I’m going on a little “vacation”.

Colin Jost: Why did you put in it quotes?

Pete Davidson: You know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] the kind of vacation where insurance pays for some of it and they take your phone and shoe laces and you have roommates but it still costs like Colin Jost00 grand.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hope you know a lot of people really care about you.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, sure.

Colin Jost: I’m serious. I bet if I read a random tweet right now, it would be super popular.

Pete Davidson: How much? I got 30 racks. Let’s do it.

Colin Jost: You have $30,000 on you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What if Scarlett wants to go to lunch?

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m going to read the first tweet that I see here. A gentleman’s wager. Here’s the first one. “I don’t care if he’s crazy. I really love Pete Davidson.”

Pete Davidson: That’s nice. That makes me feel great. Let’s read one about you.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that.

Pete Davidson: No, I want to because you’re just the best. “Colin Jost is so handsome, he looks like he always gets the eight hours of sheep Pete Davidson desperately needs.:

Colin Jost: Trust me, people make fun of me a lot.

Pete Davidson: Nobody does. That’s crazy. I can only picture you having sex missionary, you know? But like, I picture it a lot.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update: President Trump Gets Impeached

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

So on Wednesday the house voted to impeach president Trump. But Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves. And everyone is thinking, “Please, god, just let this end.” So basically, [Picture changes to cover picture of Cats movie] it’s “Cats.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

This impeachment is a huge historic moment. And you can tell that Trump really appreciates the gravity of the situation. Because this is what he said on the day he got impeached.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Remember the dishwasher? You press it, boom, there would be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out. Dishes. Now you press it Colin JostMichael Che times. Women tell me —

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Words that will echo through the ages. He’s the first president ever impeached in his first term and he launches into a rambling Yelp review of appliances. And then Trump got the crowd to do the weirdest call in response I’ve ever heard. Listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Sinks. Showers. What goes with a sink and a shower?

Crowd: Toilets!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: His crowd knew the answer was toilets. They were right because in a second later, he reviewed his strange feud with it flushing. Check this out.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Like Colin Jost0 times. Bam! Bam! Not me, of course. Not me. [Pointing at someone] You!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Some poor guy in the audience waited in line outdoors in Michigan in December to support the president. He gets inside and the president points to him, and he’s like “This guy destroys toilets.” But there was somehow an even lower point, which was when trump attacked a dead congressman, John Dingell and said he was looking up at us from hell. So obviously nobody is looking up at us from hell, because we’re already there.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald trump and Nancy Pelosi at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a letter of Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than those accused in a Salem Witch trials. You know, where they set women on fire for wearing pants. According to Donald Trump, impeachment is literally worse than that. I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap. I thought it would be fun like Tupac in 96′. This is more like Brittney in Michael Che007.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

The most interesting thing about this whole impeachment is Mike Pence, because if Trump’s out, he’s going to be the president. So, every time Trump is yelling on TV, like, “If you impeach me, it’s going to be a disaster”, Pence got to be thinking, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a disaster.” How does that not make him feel bad personally? That would be like if I tell Lorne, “You can’t fire me, then some racist would be doing Updates by himself.” [Cut to Colin Jost angrily looking at Michael Che]

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.