Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of United States capital at left top corner.]
Guys! The impeachment trial started this week. Am I crazy or was Adam Schiff on my television for 100 hours straight? Even when I turned the TV off, there still was an outline of him burned into the screen. What happened was democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe president Trump has been egregious abuser of power in American history. And then republicans laid out their defense, the shrug emoji.[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]
Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an orphanage burn, Mitch McConnell defended his plan for the trial saying the country is waiting to see if we can rise to the occasion. I would maybe say you’re not rising to the occasion considering one senator fell asleep, Ran Paul was dong a crossword puzzle and some republican senators even brought fidget spinners to play with. I assume this symbolize how the founding fathers are spinning in their graves.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: You better than Colin. I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day long Powerpoint. This was supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of Morey. There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated and republicans are still like, “But Morey, he loved me.” Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility, who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Lindsey Graham also said that president Trump was bored by the whole impeachment trial, which isn’t a surprise since Trump typically loses focus halfway through his own sentences. For example, here he is this week talking about Elon Musk.[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on CNBC interview]
Donald Trump: He’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. He does good at rockets too, by the way. And I was worried about him because he’s one of our great geniuses and we have to protect our geniuses. We have to protect Thomas Edison.[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: We have to protect Thomas Edison? I think that’s a line Nick Cage yells in National Treasure.[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden then rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While, his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the logo of democrats at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I mean, maybe I’m paranoid but I’m starting to think democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. Coz every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.” I mean, you’re telling me that United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for like 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That’d be like Jamaica forgot how to unwind![Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lev Parnas at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And now, a recording a service to president Trump telling adult cabbage patch doll Lev Parnas that he wanted the former ambassador to Ukraine fired. Here is the audio.[Cut to president Trump’s subtitles to the recording]
Donald Trump: Get rid of her. Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay?[Cut back to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Take her out? I would maybe choose the words more carefully when you’re talking to someone who looks like [Picture changes to Lev Parnas] a professional car bomber. Also, how was a random person able to secretly record the president on his phone. I mean they take a way your phone if you go to see Dave Chappelle do stand up.
And speaking of recordings, [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani on Friday launched a podcast called ‘Rudy Giuliani common sense’ in which he offers his defense of president Trump. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pan’s pocket. The title of the first episode is, I swear to god, ‘Since no crimes exist, it must be dismissed.” And according to reviewers, Rudy was once highly regarded but now seems mildly retar– No, I can’t read that.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: I would have said it!