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Weekend Update Congressional Candidate Stars in Own Sex Tape MethFilled Pumpkins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]

Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.

[Picture changes to a gray whale]

Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]

Weekend Update Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Rihannas Pregnancy

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Rihanna has been showing her baby bump and sexy maternity looks at Paris Fashion Week. Here to comment is Pauline, a weary mother and her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: You’re never going to believe it Michael, I’m pregnant again.

Michael Che: How you doing Pauline? Congratulations. Must be such an exciting time.

Pauline: Exciting for who, Michael? Last time I gave birth, the baby was so big the doctor said he looked like black Jason Momoa. You know what it feels like to drop a Drogo? Bad. But here, look at Rihanna. Come on with a perfect cute little baby bump. Meanwhile, I look like I’m trying to shoplift the Turducken. I’m just regular pregnant. I want to be famous pregnant.

Michael Che: Famous pregnant? That was just the honest pregnancy announcement photo, right?

Pauline: Sure it was. Rihanna and her boyfriend all happy. Walking around Harlem. You know how I announced my pregnancy. I threw up on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. You know, I’ve had babies before but this is my worst pregnancy yet. It’s making me want to eat all kinds of things. Pickles. Peanut butter, the barrel of a shotgun.

Michael Che: Pauline!

Pauline: Look, I don’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Pregnancy brain.

Michael Che: Well, Rihanna has been wearing some iconic pregnancy looks at fashion week hopefully to inspire other pregnant women.

Pauline: Oh, please. Look at this Michael. Look at her. She looked like she’s going to a sex funeral. She makes it look good. How? I couldn’t even wear this before. If you’re gonna wear something like this, everything’s got to stay put, you know. But right now, everything on me is loose, including my pushay.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Pauline: She’s always wearing heels. You want to see my heels, Michael? [showing him a Bugs Bunny slippers] These. I used to wear a size 9. Now, I’m a men’s 15. You know, I even got my tubes tied. But they came loose. I keep begging my doctor double knot them next time, please.

Michael Che: They tied them like shoelaces?

Pauline: Look, I’m out here on my own Michael. At least Rihanna has got a boyfriend by her side. Meanwhile, you haven’t come with me to not one doctors.

Michael Che: Wait, why would I?

Pauline: Because you did this to me.

Michael Che: I did?

Pauline: I said “Let’s use protection,” and you looked me in the eye and said “It don’t feel the same.”

Michael Che: [nodding his head] That does sound like me? Yeah.

Pauline: All right. You know what? I gotta go. I left my kids in Lorne’s office.

Michael Che: Pauline, everybody.

Pauline: I’m younger than Rihanna. I’m only 29.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.

Audacity in Advertising Awards

Jake… Jonathan Majors

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Intern… Andrew Dismukes

Human Friend… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Fox Con Empathy is the Audacity in Advertising Awards. With your hosts Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

[Jake and Flo walk in]

Flo: Good evening.

Jake: Commercials, they’re tiny movies they play during TV. I love being the face of StateFarm.

Flo: And I signed 100 billion year contract with Progressive and I love that too.

Jake: We’re here tonight to crown the winners of the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.

Flo: Also known as the Pepsi’s.

Jake: The Commercials make us buy, make us cry. They make a shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”

Flo: Because these days it’s no longer enough to ask where’s the beef? We must also ask how can it be diversity? We’re so excited to celebrate the most egregious ads of the year. Our first nominee is a moving conversation between a father and son.

[Cut to the commercial. Intern is talking to his dad online.]

Son: Did mom know?

Father: She knew. We still loved each other. I never felt like it was right for me to come out while you guys were still kids. I don’t know what to say.

Son: It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.

Father: Me too. [crying] I’ve wasted my life.

Female voice: Facebook Portal. Share something real.

[cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Wow. That must have sold a lot of Facebooks.

Flo: Truly stunning.

Jake: We’ll be seeing more of these later in the evening.

Flo: We have so many amazing awards to give out tonight. Like ‘most outrageous use of sign language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’

Jake: But first one of my favorite categories, Flo it’s so exciting when you can tell a company doesn’t know how it’s received.

Flo: It can be even more exciting when it feels like they aren’t even sure what it is the thing that they do.

Jake: Here are the nominees for using what to sell what?

[Cut to the ad.]

Flo: Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in pain, kind fisherman comes and wipes it off. BP.

Jake: Children hold hands over borer wall. O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.

Flo: Two undocumented lesbians getting prison married. Sargento cheese.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: And the winner is … BP. The ad execs of this company prefer not to come up here tonight because they are embarrassed. Here to accept the award on their behalf is their newest intern.

[Intern walks to the stage and accepts the award]

Intern: Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you. This is crazy. Oh, I started two days ago and now I’m on TV. I want to thank my supervisor for showing me where the free Clif Bars are. And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met. Go interns. Whooo!

Jake: Thank you.

Flo: He will go far. And now on a more serious note, companies can’t last forever. Let’s take a moment to remember the ones we sadly lost this year.

[Cut to commercials]

Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi, titi, Duku and fupa TV. We will miss most of you.

Jake: And now, here to present the category you’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome the Limu Emu and his human friend.

[Cut to Limu Emu and Human Friend]

Human Friend: Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?

Limu Emu: Aflac.

Human Friend: Dude, stop. That’s not us. I told you that. God I hate that we’re married. Oh my god. Nope. Nope. Here are the nominees for most egregious ad of the year 2021.

[Cut to the commercials]

Melissa: When I was little, my school burned in a fire. Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of being a fireman. Driving for Amazon gives me the flexibility to go to firefighter school online while I drive. Today, I’m on my way to being a real firefighter. God bless you Amazon.

Female voice: Amazon, god bless us.

[Cut to another commercial]

Female voice: This baby is trans, Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Absolutely Craven.

Flo: We’ll be back with the winner and other exciting categories.

Male voice: Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

Weekend Update- Steve Bannon Held in Contempt & Trump Social Media

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Halloween pumpkin at left top corner.]

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys. So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week. [picture changes to Kanye wearing white mask] No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now. Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.” Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Yeah. That’s my guy. Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.

[picture changes to Facebook logo]

After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly planning to change the company name. So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure, the answer is exactly as well as Kanye. [Picture changes to news article that says “Kanye changes his name”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kirsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy to pay for president Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires. Because it’s so hard to hear from Space. [Picture changes to Jeff Bezos and Elon Must at space] [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name ‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said, “Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.” Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine for children is just CapriSun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border. So, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that during meetings, President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation. More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers to defy the city’s vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.

[Picture changes to Walmart logo]

Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early. Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6. [Picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of band Smash mouth logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which– I know, recent. A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing.

[Picture changes to Sex, love & goop logo]

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’, a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm while fully clothed without touching. Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of StarWars logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida. But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.

[Picture changes to Thomas Jefferson statue]

After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from city hall. They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside.

Mail in Testing Service

Shawn… Owen Wilson

Aristotle Athari

Mark… Andrew Dismukes

Dorothy… Sarah Sherman

Mailman… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shawn setting up his set]

Shawn: Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there an and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Aristotle: Shawn, the clients are here.

Shawn: Great. Bring them in. Okay, here we go.

[Mark and Dorothy walk in. They both are doctors.]

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Dorothy: Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Mark: Yes, very impressive.

Shawn: Thank you. And these are your marks right here. You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do is speak right to the camera.

Mark: Sounds great.

Dorothy: Love that. Can do.

Shawn: Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool testing. Take one.

Shawn: And action!

Dorothy: Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Mark: Hello.

Dorothy: Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

Mark: And with our mail-in kit, you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Dorothy: Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why? Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

Mark: That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

Dorothy: We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool. And that’s testing for diseases.

Mark: We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases, then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

Dorothy: You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it, play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

Mark: That’s why, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Shawn: Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good. I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys. It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Mark: Okay. Explain that.

Dorothy: Yea, coz you say– We’re saying that we’re not.

Shawn: I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct. And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Dorothy: Yea, I get that.

Shawn: Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time. Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

Mark: Definite, got it.

Dorothy: Got you boss. Got you boss.

Shawn: Alright. Let’s go again.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Shawn: Action!

Dorothy: Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

Mark: But at Robinsons’, our process is simple. We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Dorothy: Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Mark: Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases. The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

Dorothy: That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash… Maybe!”

Shawn: Okay. Cut. Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

Dorothy: You know, I was worried people might think that.

Mark: Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

Shawn: No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Dorothy: Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy. [calling Aristotle] Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out, mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Aristotle: Yes, I do.

Shawn: I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do. If they do, then that’s their problem.

Dorothy: Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Mark: Great call.

Shawn: Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Shawn: [whispering] Action.

Dorothy: Dorothy here. I got a question for you. [yelling] Who the hell do you think you are? You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

Mark: You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day. You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Dorothy: Just ask our mailman. [Mailman walks in] Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

Mailman: I don’t mind.

Dorothy: thank you.

Mailman: I don’t mind at all.

Mark: We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously. And we value your trust.

Dorothy: that’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Mark: Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Dorothy: Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

Mark: We got plenty.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

The War in Words- Bertie and Mary

Bertie… Mikey Day

Mary.. Carey Mulligan

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the History channel. At 10, it’s “All dogs go to hell: Hitler’s hounds in color”. But first, it’s “The war in words: Letters from the line.”

[Cut to intro]

Male voice: The letters from Lieutenant Bertie Pembrook of the royal Navy and his wife, Mary, 1943.

[Cut to Bertie write a letter’]

Bertie: My dearest Mary. The sea is quiet today. The German U-boat attacks have seized for now. [cut to Mary reading the letter] My thoughts drift as they often do to you, my dear wife. Tell me, love. Do you think of me? Your adoring husband, Bertie.

[Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie, yes. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie reading the letter and looking over if theres anything else written.]

Bertie: [writing the letter] Dearest Mary, i was thrilled to receive your letter. But alas, it was over so quickly. Your words do much to brighten my spirit, so tell me an amusing story or perhaps, a joke. Your’s, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Dear Bertie. Knock-knock. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear Mary, I fear the knock-knock joke structure does not lend itself to letters. Instead, and I hope I’m not being too forward, would you send me something a bit naughty? It is lonely at sea. Your blushing Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, you rascal. I shall do as you say and send along something naughty. But you better not pass it around your friends, dirty boy. Your naughty wife, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You have sent me cocaine! When I said naughty, I meant a racy photo, not an illegal narcotic. But I have bigger worries. Last night, my dear friend Steven was shot and died in my arms. Saddened at sea, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, don’t panic. As long as nobody saw you kill him, they can’t prove it was you. Trust me, I’ve been dow this road before. Love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: My love, I did not kill Steven. It was the Nazis, obviously. And what do you men you’ve been down this road before? Have you been involved in a murder? Concerned, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, no. Wink-wink. But smart movie blaming at Nazi. People don’t seem to like them much, even though the ones I met at dinner the other night were lovely. Yours, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary! You had dinner with the Nazis the other night? How? Why? details please. Alarmed in the Atlantic, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: Bertie, oh you know me, always making new friends. By the way, I went to visit your parents the other day enclosing the photo of the three of us. With love, Mary.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: Dear god, Mary. What happened to my parents? [the picture she sent was a photo of her and tombstones] This is a photo of you in a graveyard. Why did you not tell me they passed away? Worried on the waves, Bertie.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter] Mary: Bertie, I wanted to tell you in person, but you’ve been off with your friends.

[Cut to Bertie writing the letter]

Bertie: I’ve been at war!

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Mary: But good news, as you know by now, Germany surrendered. I was visiting my sister in New York when we heard. We took to the streets to celebrate. A photo of me has been wound up on a magazine. Enclosing a copy along with a little gift. Your covergirl, Mary.

[Cut to Mary writing the letter]

Bertie: Mary, stop sending me cocaine. And as for the magazine, who the hell are you kissing? [opens the cocaine packet] Alright, you know what? I’m actually going to do this.

Male voice: This has been, “The war in words”

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted in Second Impeachment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everyone?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s picture at left top corner.]

Well, like so many other men living in Florida, Donald Trump has once again escaped from justice. This has to be the dumbest trial I’ve ever seen. Here’s how dumb it was. The jurors who were deciding The case were the ones attacked by the defendant. The trial took place at the scene of the crime. And then right after the trial ended, one of the jurors who voted to acquit Trump ran out and said, “Someone’s got to prosecute this guy. He did it. This man belongs in jail. I mean, whatever you’re going to do? Are you going to impeach a president for anything, don’t you think it’s sending a mob to kill the vice-president? I feel bad for Pence. 43 of his work friends were like, “Oh come on, Mike, they only tried to hang you. Stop being such a drama queen.” I think it’d be hilarious if Biden now sent rioters back into the Capitol. And he was like, “What? You guys said it was fine.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of the Capitol rioters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During Donald Trump’s impeachment, house manager showed security footage of Capitol rioters finally attacking police. But here’s a little black history lesson for you. Just because there’s video evidence doesn’t mean you’re going to get conviction.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence and Mitt Romney.

Colin Jost: Video evidence of the violence in January six shows that the senator Mitt Romney and vice president Pence both had close calls with rioters. So, let me get this straight. You’re a white supremacist mob and you go after these guys? The two whitest guys I could think of. They make me look like Ice-T. And look, [Picture changes to Ted Cruz with his new hairstyle.] I know probably there are bigger things happening in the world, but can we talk about Ted Cruz’s hair for like, an hour? What happened here? It looks like he’s selling fireworks out of the back of El Camino. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this guy handcuffed crying on a curb in “Cops”. I mean, what are you doing, man? You’re a senator. Not the manager of a paintball range. At least the manager of the paintball range has some leadership skills.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York governor Andrew Cuomo who was the real life model for Moe Szyslak, announced that more New Yorkers will be eligible for the covid vaccine beginning next week. New Yorkers will have to provide documentation of their condition and answer medical questions like, “Whassa matter you?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Andrew Cuomo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Governor Cuomo also announced that he will allow sporting venues to open starting February Michael Che3rd but limit them to Colin Jost0% capacity, better known as Jets level.