Trump Indictment Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Afroman… Devon Walker

Don Jr. … Mikey Day

Male voice: And now a message from former President Trump.

Donald Trump. Hello. Thank you. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted or as I spell it indicated. And frankly, it’s time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law and go quietly to prison. April Fool’s. That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office. But make no mistake, what the radical left Democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I’ve ever committed. And I’ve committed a lot. Close to 34. Some are saying I’m going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. Not true. I don’t want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen I’ve been opening my rallies with my wonderful song “Justice for all,” which I performed with the J6 choir. That’s a very real thing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. It was the number one downloaded song. We beat flowers by Miley, which as we all know, is about Liam. My song ranking so much cash, I thought why stop there? That’s why I’m putting out my new album “Now that’s what I call my legal defense fund,” aka Trump bopz. And I’m bringing all the hits.

[music playing] [Donald Trump singing] Boys and things will come by the dozen 
that ain’t nothing but drug store loving
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle

‘Cause mama [singing gibberish] 

Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible. Song by your favorite president to defend our movement and mostly myself from the EVO Manhattan DA. That means District Attorney. But I’m a fighter. And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here’s my friend Don King.

Don King: Hey. Hey everybody. What they are doing to this man is a tra-da-gedy (tragedy).

Donald Trump: So funny. With the big hair. Murdered a guy, can you believe it?

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Islands in the Stream
that ain’t what we are
no one in between
how can we be wrong?

Donald Trump: We’re not wrong. I’ve never been wrong.

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Making love to each other, uh-huh

Donald Trump: Don King, everybody. [Don King walks out] Speaking of love, me and the First Lady Melania are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I’ve never seen Melania happier. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also just to set the record straight, I didn’t even sleep with stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn’t it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they tried to send me to jail. That’s why you don’t pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic.

[singing] If it rains on your wedding day,
oh what a thought, it figures

And folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6, they can come for you and not for me. I liked that one a little bit better. Because I really don’t want to go to jail. But when I think about how shredded I might get, it’s awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real big on top, little on bottom? Totally prison yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Although, I’ve never seen any pictures of him, kind of suss. Oh-oh, who’s this? Why? It’s a man who liked me was illegally rated and he’s turning it into big bucks, Afro man.

Afroman: I was going to go to class
but then I got high

Donald Trump: Drugs are killing our children
I could have cheated and I could have passed,
but then I got frankly high, real shame.

Afroman: I’m taking in next semester
and I know why?

Donald Trump: Why man?

Afroman and Donald Trump: Hey, because I got high
because I got high
because I got high

Donald Trump: We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. [Afroman walks out] Folks, your hard earned money is important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of Robins to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now my most loyal supporter, I wish he goes away. He’s my Kindle Roy. It’s Don Jr.

Don Jr.: Wow dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you.

Donald Trump: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Don Jr.: The boy’s a liar
the boy’s a liar
he doesn’t see ya
you’re not looking at me boy

Yeah, Dad!

Donald Trump: Very strange energy, my son. Don’t like it. He’s saying that I’m good enough, grabbing my drr. Thinking about things I should have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don’t we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair. Beautiful hair. Manhattan, I’ll see you on Tuesday. We’ll be wild. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Weekend Update on Paul Manafort’s Indictment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s almost the one year anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected president. And to celebrate, Robert Mueller threw him a surprise party. [Picture changes to an article saying ‘Trump associates indicted’] After the indictment, [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] a former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort who also played shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore’, it was reported that Manafort has three US passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So, I don’t know what he is guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions. Except, maybe Santa Claus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe and the unfair news coverage probably and I’m sure he brought up the crooked Hillary again. Look, I gotta be honest, I can’t read anymore of this guy’s tweets. I’m tired of watching the president of the United States having emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. [Picture changes to Tyrese Gibson’s emotional breakdown video] It’s embarrassing. Look, if you wanna live tweet Morning Joe or Cup Cake Wars or whatever else you watch, fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, your clip on tie and fold your hair up nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. Okay? I mean, what are you doing on Twitter? We shouldn’t have to wonder if our president is communicating with us from his toilet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In response to the terrorist attacks this week in Manhattan, president Trump has promised to end ‘The diversity immigrant visa lottery,’ which by the way was named in order to make Fox News viewers heads explode. Obviously, this attack was awful but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean, we don’t look at Trump and say, “We should get rid of all presidents.”

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Republicans also– [cheers and applause] Thank you. Republicans also released their tax plan this week, which explains why Paul Ryan has been rock hard since Thursday. Ryan said that under the new tax plan, a family of four would save over $1,000 while this family [picture changes to Donald Trump’s family picture] would save like, a billion.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. I don’t want simple taxes because it probably means I will have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes on a bunch of different papers with a bunch of questions so I can lie. When somebody tells you, “Hey, I got a great tax guy”, they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes very simple. They mean, “You are about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Advisors who are planning president Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines and prefers familiar foods like well done steak and ice cream. And they’d also like easier maxes on his place mat. Now, I don’t know if this trip is going to be good for international relations. But it’s definitely going to be great for comedy. Coz, we’re sending this guy to Asia.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech video]

Donald Trump: Bing bing, bong bong.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what could go wrong?