Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper] [Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle] [Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Murder Interrogation

Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson

Inspector… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]

Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.

Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.

Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.

Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.

Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.

Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.

Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.

Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.

Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.

Beck: Indeed.

Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.

Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.

Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?

Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.

Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.

Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.

Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?

Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?

Mr. Duflapy: The geese!

Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.

Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.

Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.

Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.

Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.

Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.

Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!

Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.

Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.

Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?

Aidy: Why? Those are mine!

Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.

Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?

Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?

Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.

[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]

Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.

Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.

Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.

Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.

Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.

Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.

[Everyone just leaves the room]

Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!

[The End]