Natalie’s Rap 2

Interviewer… Beck Bennett

Natalie Portman

Carl… Andy Samberg

[Starts with Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman. Music playing in the background.]

Interviewer: We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman: Yeah. Well, I was going through really weird time then. But, I have matured a lot.

Interviewer: Why don’t you fill a scene on what it is like to be you?

Natalie Portman: Okay, you bitch.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, what?

[Music video starts] [rapping] Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
[bleep] you husband and his best friend just for sport man
you know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade

Xan is dissolving in my Pino
my man dance but he’s not ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes but
he gives me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide pod’s only [bleep] thing I snack on
blackout and go [bleep] Black Swan

Bring on on ayahuasca boy
tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same but with current references.

Natalie Portman: Unture. I’m a mother now. It has really changed my perspective.

Interviewer: And do you find it difficult juggling kids in a career?

Natalie Portman: You can juggle these nuts.

Interviewer: What?

Natalie Portman: [rapping] I dance now, I make mommy moves
when I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out smoking bomb kush
and when my water broker, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex positive, hell yeah, I’m positive
that you’re going down while I’m bobbing “My prerogative”

tell me why? Hah! I guess I’m showing my age
now bend over and spread em’ coz you about to get laid–

[The doctor walks in, and immediately he walks out and shuts the door close.] [Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: That’s a good stuff. Now, I have to ask Natalie. Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman: No.

Interviewer: Oh. They’re really good. They’re much better than–

Natalie Portman: Better than what?

Interviewer: [bleep] [Cut to the music video. Natalie Portman is pointing a gun at Alex Moffat]

Natalie Portman: Say something ’bout the mother [bleep] prequels, bitch!

Alex: They were good!

Natalie Portman: Say something [bleep] nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex: He’s tall?

Natalie Portman: Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

Alex: What?

Natalie Portman: While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Carl joining Natalie Portman’s music video]

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: Yeah?

Carl: Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman: That little shit ain’t mine!

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: What?

Carl: It’s been twelve long years
And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!

Natalie Portman: You’re a mess, Carl

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question. Do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

[Natalie Portman stands and pins the “Time’s Up” pin on Interviewer’s forehead.]

Natalie Portman: How’s that for impact?

Interviewer:Well, actually. [Natalie Portman throws Interviewer out of the window.] oh, no.

Natalie Portman: No more questions


Press Junket

Dakota Johnson

Interviewer… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Peter… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]

Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.

Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.

[Interviewer smiles and leaves] [Kate walks to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.

Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.

[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]

Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.

[Cut to Dakota, Kate and Peter]

Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.

Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.

Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Yeah!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate. Kate looks speechless.] [Cut to Peter]

Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Dakota: Oh, my!

Peter: Thank you so much.

[Kate leaves to get water.] [Cut to Peter]

Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [speechless] Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[cut to Dakota and Peter]

Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?

Peter: You mean it?

Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter: Wow, okay.  [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless] [Cut to Peter]

Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

Dakota: I guess, I like pie.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.

[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]