Irish Play

[Starts with announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of “A Storm Within” by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory McFadden. And as I’m sure you’re aware, there is a penis in the show. Yes, we go there. And it better not end up online. If you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? So just enjoy it, and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has COVID. So these are all understudies. They’ve had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. We could have canceled tonight, but I’m gonna fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. Our fight may or may not be about the penis in the show. The penis is also being understudied, so I’m excited to see what that’s like. All right. Without further tattoo, we now present “A Storm Within”. That’s just gonna be good.

Melissa: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Mikey: Is that what you took from that?

[Cecily is crying with a baby in her arms]

Cecily: Line?

Announcer: Aalready? You don’t know your first line?

Cecily: No.

Announcer: It’s “Hush now, baby.”

Cecily: Oh, yeah, yeah. Hush, now, baby. Don’t wake your ma’am. She’s sleeping off drink in the other room again. Nan’s here to take care of— Line?

Announcer: Ya.

Cecily: Nan’s here to take care of ya. Is it the penis now?

Announcer: No, it’s an act two. It needs an hour to prep.

[Selena walks in]

Selena: What are you doing with my baby?

Announcer: What is that accent?

Selena: Sorry, I tried the Irish, that sounds weird. So I just did Australian.

Announcer: No, you’re not doing Australian.

Selena: Oh, I think I am mate.

Announcer: Oh my god. Please stop. Do you at least know your lines?

Selena: Yes. I need a line.

Announcer: I need money for whiskey.

Selena: Sorry. I don’t have any money.

Announcer: No, that’s your line. Just do the play.

Cecily: You saw him again, didn’t you? You always act this way when you see him.

Selena: What’s wrong? Are you afraid to say his name?

Cecily: Of course I’m not afraid. But you say it first. Just to remind me what it is.

Selena: No, you should, since you brought it up.

Cecily: Okay, well then, let’s just both say the same time. 1-2-3.

Selena and Cecily: 4-5.

Announcer: I’m assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name? It’s Seamus.

Cecily: Seamus. Oh, yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now?

Selena: Yes. I could not wait more.

Announcer: No, no. You are mother and daughter. There is no kiss.

Mikey: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Melissa: I know. Think about that baby is gonna grow up.

Selena: Why won’t you give me the money, cow?

Cecily: Wash your mouth.

Announcer: It’s watch.

Cecily: Oh, I’m sorry. Wash your watch. I don’t care if you’re my daughter. I’ll call the police.

Selena: Ma’am, I’d be careful. You’re treading a very thin line.

Announcer: Line.

Cecily: What? Who’s?

Selena: What?

Announcer: What? The word line is your line.

Cecily: Oh.

Cecily and Selena: Line.

Announcer: No, not the both. Just keep going.

[door knocking]

Cecily: Who is that? Is that penis? Seamus?

Selena: Well, only one way to find out.

[Selena runs to a door and opens it]

Announcer: No, not that door. That’s where the dogs are at.

[the dogs run into the stage]

Melissa: Wow. It says here the dogs are understudies too.

Announcer: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to play all of the parts. You’ll know who I’m doing because I’ll be doing all of the voices. [clears throat] Ma’am, I didn’t want you to do this. But you’ve left me no choice. Is that our gun, girl? Yeah mate, I got it from Seamus

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Sorry, I know I’m early, but it’s ready and it needs to be now.

Announcer: What? It’s not supposed to be until act two.

Bowen: Sorry, it has to be now.

Announcer: Well, can you say the line at least?

Bowen: Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. What time is it? Dong o’clock, Ayuga.

Announcer: Okay, those are actually the lines. Just go ahead and show us.

[cut the the audience. They are shocked to see the penis]

Mikey: Wow, they really did go there.

Melissa: I told you.

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.