Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]
Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.
[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]
Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.
[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.