Mikey Day
Kyle Mooney
Melissa Villaseñor
Ryan Gosling
Cecily Strong
Mark… Chris Redd
Heidi Gardner
Chef… Beck Bennett
[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?
Kyle: Yum.
Heidi: Really good.
Mark: fantastic.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.
Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?
[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]Ryan: What do you mean?
Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]Cecily: No!
Mikey: Familia Italiano–
Cecily: No!
Mikey: — pasta menu.
[Cut to Mark and Heidi]Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?
Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!
Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.
[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.
Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Ryan: You son of a bitch.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Whoa, easy!
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?
Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?
Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?
[Cut to Mark and Heidi]Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.
[Cut to all]Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”
[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.
Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?
Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?
Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?
[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.
[Cut to all]Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.
[Ryan walks near to Chef]Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.
[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]Cecily: Is this wine even real?
[Cut to Mikey]Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.
[Cut to Cecily]Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?
[Ryan walks to Cecily]Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.
Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.
[Cut to all]Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.
Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.
Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.
Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!
[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!