Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing] [Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton] [Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage] [Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]

Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.