Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

Theatre Donor

Terry Henry… Vanessa Bayer

Albie Durberry… Mikey Day

Keely… Felicity Jones

Jack… Beck Bennett

Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Terry Henry announcing the opening of a theater]

Terry Henry: Good evening. I’m Terra Henry, Artistic Director here at the brand new Albie Durberry Theater.  [applause] This is all possible, thanks to one incredible generous donor who joins us this evening, Mr. Albie Durberry, who turned a 106 years young this month. [applause] I know that leaving your house is quite an ordeal, sir. And we are so grateful for the effort both you and your nurse Keely put in to join us.

[Albie Durberry tries to stand. Keely holds and helps him]

Keely: He wanted to say something.

Albie Durberry: For the amount of money I spent, this play better be good.

[laughter] [cheers and applause]

Terry Henry: And now, the world premier of “The Rainstorm.”

[The lights dim and the play starts. There’s a coat hanger. Jack and Genevieve walk in.]

Jack: The train was a zoo. I almost didn’t get a seat.

Genevieve: Ah!

Jack: And how was your day?

Genevieve: Quiet.

Albie Durberry: Keely! What’s this play about?

Keely: Shh, we’ll find out.

Jack: Oh, wonderful. Another evening of Genevieve in a melancholy haze. What is it now, darling?

Genevieve: Just leave me along, Jack.

Albie Durberry: Keely! I can’t hear them.

Jack: All you ever do is cry anymore.

Albie Durberry: What?

Jack: Why couldn’t you be a happy drunk?

Albie Durberry: Who?

Keely: Shh.

Genevieve: What is that supposed to mean?

Jack: I’m– I’m sorry.

[beep beep]

Keely: It’s time for you yogurt.

Albie Durberry: Now? I hate that horrid paste.

Genevieve: Don’t be. You’re angry. I’m jealous. [Keely is feeding Albie Durberry yogurt behind]  You feel something. I feel nothing lately. No life has become as gray as the– [Albie Durberry is trying his best not to eat yogurt] — clouds I see out of the window.

[Keely puts yogurt in Albie Durberry’s mouth forcefully. Albie Durberry spits it all out.]

Albie Durberry: I’m not an infant. I can feed myself.

Keely: No. You’ll make a mess.

[Albie Durberry throws everything away] [looking at other audiences] I’m so sorry sir, are we disturbing you?

Kenan: Yes, very much.

[Jack is trying to cheer Genevieve up.]

Jack: There, cheer up. Dance with me, Genevieve like we used to.

[Jack and Genevieve start dancing]

God, it feels like yesterday.

[Jack and Genevieve start humming] [warning alert]

Keely: Sir, I need to disinfect your chair.

Albie Durberry: Make it quick, Keeley, I’m enjoying the play.

[Albie Durberry’s wheelchair makes loud noise and is spraying something]

Jack: [shouting so everyone can listen] Come to bed! Come to bed! [Albie Durberry’s wheelchair stops making noise] Come to bed with me. I haven’t touched you in so long.

Genevieve: I– I can’t.

Jack: Christ, Genevieve, you are my wife.

Genevieve: Well, what do you want me to do?

Wheelchair robot: Change medical stockings.

[Keely is trying to change medical stockings]

Albie Durberry: No! No, Keely, you’ll make a scene. No, don’t change my socks. [Keely is trying it forcefully] Keely!

Keely: I need to change your therapeutic socks.

Albie Durberry: No. You’ll make a scene, Keely.

Keely: Or you won’t get your caramel candy after supper.

Albie Durberry: No, not my caramel, Kelly! No! No!

[Keely is making Albie Durberry change]

Genevieve: The truth is Jack isn’t a bad man. He provides, he’s kind, most nights.

Albie Durberry: No! No!

Genevieve: Faithful, I think. And he’d be a wonderful father but I don’t– I don’t love him. I’ve never said that before.

Keely: Can you hold his toes still?

Kenan: I’d rather not, but okay.

[Kenan stands and holds Albie Durberry’s body]

Albie Durberry: Keely! This man is attacking me.

Keely: Catch him and hold stiff.

Albie Durberry: No, I need to leave. Goodbye. Come with me. Bye, you crazy man.

Keely: No!

[Albie Durberry starts moving away. His wheelchair is electric.]

Albie Durberry: Oh! Come with me, Keely! Come with me!

Keely: Mr. Durberry! Mr. Durberry!

[phone ringing]

I’m so sorry.

[It’s Kenan’s phone.]

Kenan: Sorry.

Jack: Come on, man! We’re trying to do a play up here. Insane!

Criminal Mastermind

Alex Moffat

Slate… Beck Bennett

Jack… Benedict Cumberbatch

Cecily Strong

Ron… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two people getting inside a warehouse. There’s a bomb ticking sound.]

Alex: I hear it! Over here.

[Alex takes a sheet away and there’s a bomb]

Slate: Oh! How before this thing turns this place into the inside of cuisinart?

Alex: I don’t know.

[phone rings] [Slate answers the phone]

Slate: Hello.

Male voice: Gals and boys come out to play, if the moon does shine as bright as day

Slate: Who is this?

[Cut to Jack speaking on the phone]

Jack: Hello, Slate. You may call me Jack. I’ll tell you a story about Jack and Nori and now my story has begun. I’ll tell you another about Jack’s brother and now my score is done. Would you like to play a game, Slate?

Slate: Do I have a choice?

Jack: Next to you is 600 grams of C4 explosive and I hold the detonator . If you want me to deactivate it, answer my query. Johnny’s mother had three children. One was April, one was May, as well the name of the other child only you can say. You have 60 seconds.

[Jack hangs up. Jack is with Cecily and Ron]

I gave them 60 seconds.

Cecily: It’s cool

[Jack, Cecily and Ron are waiting awkwardly]

Ron: Um, you guys have seen Stranger Things? It’s cool. I hear it’s actually based on true story.

Jack: Ron, I swear to god. If you mention–[phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes?

Slate: It’s Johnny. You said Johnny’s mother had three children, so the third child is Johnny himself.

Jack: Bravo, Slate. I can see killing you will be harder than I thought. But it seems you forgot about the case of ammonium nitrate I left in your car, outside the school!

Slate: You can’t do that. There’s kids in there.

Jack: They won’t be for long, unless you listen carefully because I’ll only say this once. There is a word, a wonderous word, six letters it contains, take one away from the word and twelve is what remains. You have 60 seconds. [hangs up the phone]

Pretty good, right?

Cecily: Can I ask you something? Don’t get mad. But, do you have to do the riddles?

Jack: What? If I don’t do the riddles, I’m just a common thief. You know, and we all like riddles. Right?

Cecily: No. Yes, people definitely like them. I don’t know if we need them.

Ron: What- What if there were like, pictures?

Jack: And what would that look like, Ron?

Ron: I don’t know. Or what if you had– what if you had to guess how much candy was in a jar?

Jack: Look, I don’t tell you how to do the chlorine. You don’t tell me that– [phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes.

Slate: Dozens. Plural. Take away the S and you have Dozen.

Jack: You have quite the ear, Slate. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [covers the phone] He got it! But he won’t get this one. [speaking on the phone] I knew you would be a worthy opponent but the game is not over.

[shutting sounds]

Slate: What was that?

Alex: The exists are locked.

Jack: I just locked every door in the warehouse. You have ten minutes to leave, or answer the following. If you please, I’m full of keys, but cannot open a door–

Slate: [interrupting] A piano.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Um, yea, yea. Very well then, I’ll always come but never arrive today–

Slate: [interrupting] Tomorrow. What is Tomorrow.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Correct. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Slate: Spongebob.

Jack: I give up the damn score!

Slate: But we were playing a game. This is fun! Give me another one!