Tag: Jack Harlow

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.

David Pumpkins Returns

Ego Nwodim

Andrew Dismukes

Jack Harlow

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

The skeletons… Bobby Moynihan, Mikey Day

[Starts with people waiting outside a door]

Ego: Finally, I can’t believe we had to wait an hour and a half for a stupid ride.

Andrew: I can. Cellblock 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Nights history.

Jack: Yeah. There’s all these TikToks people passing out and puking and stuff. If I pass out, don’t help me. Film it. And post it. Please.

[the door opens]

Kenan: Hello and hell-come to Cellblock 666 right this way.

[they walk in and take seats]

Ego: Oh my god. I’m already scared.

Kenan: You are about to embark on a terrifying tour of this petrifying prison, where each sale holds iconic frights from the silver scream. Let the tour begin. We are approaching our first stop. Time to meet the sin mates. Ha-ha-ha. Open Cell 600.

[The cell door opens. Jason just killed a nurse by stabbing. The door closes.]

Jack: Yo, Michael Morris just made me lowkey jump. This ride is awesome.

Kenan: Only time will hell. The next cell is upon us. Open cell 661

[The cell door opens. There’s Annabelle.]

Annabelle: My name is Annabelle. Can you play with me?

[Annabelle starts running towards the door. The door closes.]

Ego: No. I hate Annabelle. I can’t wait that little bitch.

Jack: I really might pass out for real. Have you phones ready.

Kenan: You’ll never be ready for the horror that you’ll find in cell 662.

[The cell door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.] [cheers and applause]

David Pumpkins: I am David Pumpkins. And I’m going to scare you stupid.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

Any questions?

[The door closes]

Kenan: Are you shaking in your boots?

Andrew: No. I’ve seen like every horror movie ever and none of them had David pumpkins in it.

Jack: True, but I was kind of feeling David pumpkins though. Nice change of pace.

Kenan: Silence. A new terror awaits. Open cell 663.

[The cell door opens. There’s Pennywise]

Pennywise: New balloon too. Aha-ha-ha-ha.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Yeah, see? Pennywise make sense because he was in a horror movie.

Ego: Babe, it’s just a ride.

Andrew: I just want it to be consistent.

Kenan: Shh. The next segment is dying to meet you. Open cell 664.

[The cell door opens. There’s again, David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.]

David Pumpkins: Miss me?

Andrew: No, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man.

Andrew: Right. David pumpkins from?

David Pumpkins: Before.

Andrew: We know.

Ego: I think he just wants to know what your deal is. Like, Annabelle is a possessed doll. David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Taking it one day at a time.

Andrew: And the skeletons are?

The skeletons: Next to him.

David Pumpkins: Now, watch this.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

What’s my name?

The skeletons: David S Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: And where am I from?

The skeletons: Ibiza.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Si, mucho. He’s from Spain? He doesn’t even have an accent.

Jack: Yo, he said it was from there. It doesn’t mean he grew up there. Let him write his own story.

Andrew: Stop taking David Pumpkin’s side, dude.

Ego: David S Pumpkins, babe.

Kenan: Shh. Our next up is dead ahead. Open cell 665.

[The cell opens. There’s Freddy.]

Freddy: The star of your nightmares is indeed David Pumpkins.

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons walk in dancing] [The door closes]

Jack: Yo, I didn’t see David Pumpkins coming, man. That was fire.

Andrew: Why are you so on board with David Pumpkins?

Ego: Babe, just ignore him.

Andrew: I can’t. He’s most of this ride. Sir, why is there so much David pumpkins in this?

Kenan: Hey Look man, we spend a lot of money on Pennywise and Freddy Kruger, okay? There wasn’t a lot of money room left in the budget. Now set it up. We hear the infamous cell 666.

[The cell door opens. There are the skeletons but not David Pumpkins.]

Andrew: Okay, why is it just you guys now?

The skeletons: Don’t worry about it.

[Music starts playing. The skeletons are dancing.]

Happy Halloween from us.

[David Pumpkin is standing behind the three of them]

David Pumpkin: And me.

Andrew: Oh my god.

Bartenders

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Michael Longfellow

Heidi Gardner

Duke… Bowen  Yang

Earl… Jack Harlow

Marcello Hernandez

[starts with two couples sitting in a restaurant]

Cecily: I’m so excited to try this place. It got a great review in San Diego magazine.

Kenan: Well, I am starving.

Heidi: Well, all we need as a waiter, so I’m getting my block on.

Duke: Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to Casita. My name is Duke St. Shoots.

Earl: And I am Earl Twirl Jazz.

Kenan: Nice. Wow. Well, we’d love to start with some tableside gua—

Duke: Oh, we’re out of avocado, cilantro and red onion unfortunately.

Earl: However, we are Horne up to prepare your flight of tableside cocktails this evening.

Cecily: My friend told me about this. They make drinks right at your table.

Kenan: Oh well I think we just want food.

Duke: No, solids can wait. Our first cocked, a classic screwdriver with flair. Head it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing] [Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Cecily: Well, that was fun.

Kenan: Yeah. And you missed the glasses a lot.

Earl: Next we will make you a custom beverage.

Heidi: Oh, I don’t drink.

Earl: Oh, then we can make you a Vagido?

Heidi: What is a Vagido?

Earl: A Virgin Vagido.

Michael: Do they mean Mojito?

Duke: Cocked number two, hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing] [Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

Kenan: All right. Really? Really working those napkins.

Michael: Are we supposed to catch those?

Heidi: Yeah, that wasn’t even virgin. I saw you put rum in it.

Cecily: at least we got to hear that song again.

Earl: Shout out to our DJ.

Duke: Yeah, he’s a busboy with the aux cord.

Marcello: Everyone in here is lucky as hell.

Cecily: Okay, fine. You know what I’ll have? Your pay. A Negroni Sbagliato with Prosecco in it.

Earl: We don’t make those.

Duke: Yeah, we don’t bend to lesbian TikTok.

Marcello: Ayo, Duke, Earl, make them a Long Brown.

Kenan: What on earth is a long brown?

Earl: Gin and Nesquick.

Duke: Cocked number three. Hit it.

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing] [Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks] [they break all the glasses]

Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter at all. Doesn’t matter. You guys okay?

Kenan: It actually does matter. There’s glass everywhere.

Earl: Okay, wow. Y’all haven’t changed a bit.

Heidi: Excuse me.

Duke: Maybe you’ll remember us now.

[acts like they’re pulling off moustache]

Cecily: You weren’t wearing moustache.

Duke: Oh, we forgot to bring them. We forgot to put them on. But we served you and 2017. we made you all delicious margaritas and you said “This isn’t a margarita. It’s a Mountain Dew.”

Michael: Oh right. You guys immediately started crying.

Earl: The point is you lit a fire under us.

Duke: And we trained for five years to come back here and prove to you that we are the best bartenders in the world. For cocked number four, mashed avocado with cilantro and red onion.

Earl: Bur first—

Kenan: So you do have guac?

Earl: Mouth Vagidos.

Duke: Hey!

[Sam Smith’s Fire on Fire playing] [Duke and Earl dancing with bottles making drinks]

AA Meeting

Spencer… Michael Longfellow

Bowen Yang

Jesse… Jack Harlow

Jackie… Molly Kearney

[Starts with a group of people on AA meeting]

Spencer: And that’s when I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see myself anymore. It’s that guy who steals from his own mother for another bottle of booze. But I’m grateful for 90 days with no drink.

Bowen: Thank you so much, Spencer. All right, who else would like to share that? Jesse, how about you? You’ve been coming for a while and you’ve never shared with group?

Jesse: Well, it was something I’ve been thinking about for a while.

Bowen: Please. You can tell this group anything.

Jesse: Okay, here it goes. I have the perfect idea for Pixar movie.

Bowen: What’s that?

Jesse: A concept for a touching computer animated film. It’s about lost luggage trying to find his way home.

Bowen: Alright, well, I let’s just stay on the topic of recovery. Does anyone else want to share. Jackie?

Jackie: Jackie, alcoholic.

All: Hi, Jackie.

Jackie: On Tuesday, I drove through a liquor store and— I’m sorry. [asking Jesse] So the suitcase is all it personalities?

Jesse: Yeah. And the zippers are their mouths. I actually mocked up some artwork. [showing the suitcase characters] So this guy’s main character. He’s like a regular everyday suitcase. And then you got the briefcase guy. He’s a little uptight, but he’s funny.

Jackie: That’s Jason Bateman.

Jesse: I literally wrote that in a Google Doc.

Chloe: Oh, and there’s a gym bag. Don’t tell me his name is Jim.

Jesse: It literally is.

Kenan: And maybe there could be like a lady suitcase who’s got like, I don’t know, boobs.

Spencer: What would that even look like?

Kenan: Oh? Well, I did mock up some artwork just now myself. [showing a picture he drew of a suitcase with boobs]

Chloe: Oh. And maybe there’s a minion type character like a neck pillow that goes like – [making minion noise]

Jesse: You’re in the movie.

Spencer: Whoa. Can I be in the movie?

Jesse: No, but get this. There’s this other bag, Pierre. He’s like a fancy French bag, stickers from all over the world, acts all cultured like he’s better than them.

Kenan: I hate that bag.

Jesse: Right. But listen, halfway through, this bag gives an emotional speech where he opens up. Kind of like us right now. I drank recently by the way.

Bowen: What?

Jesse: Anyway, the bag goes, “Sure I’ve been to Paris, Milan, Tokyo but I’ve only ever been to the airports and the hotels. I’ve never really seen these places.” But then, as the credits roll, we see Polaroids from all these famous landmarks. The bags took pair to finally see the world.

Kenan: I love that bag now.

Cecily: What about the song?

Bowen: What?

Cecily: All these movies have some kind of big songs so they could sing at the Oscars.

Jesse: She’s right. But what would it sound like?

Cecily: I don’t know. [someone brings her a piano] Maybe something like—

[playing piano] [singing]

When you lost your way
and you’re far from home
take faith and new friends
because you’re not alone

and pack yourself with love
everybody’s gotta pack yourself with love

Spencer: Your heel maybe broke
but you can’t give up hope

All: You gotta pack yourself with love

Bowen: I guess the last question is who’s gonna play the main suitcase? Or every man? Or Woody?

[Tom Hanks walks in]

Tom Hanks: Where’s the AA?

[cheers and applause]

I’m Tom H. Here just to research a role and also I may be an alcoholic.

Jesse: Yo, Tom, if you were a suitcase, what would your catchphrase be?

Tom Hanks: Oh, suitcase? Well, I guess would be something like – “That really snags my zipper!”

Bowen: You got the part!

All: [singing] Pack yourself with love

NFTs

Professor… Kyle Mooney

Janet Yellen… Kate McKinnon

Eminem… Pete Davidson

Dr. Dre… Chris Redd

Janitor… Jack Harlow

[Starts with college professor and Janet Yellen speaking to a class]

PROFESSOR: Wow, Secretary Yellen, it was an honor to have you with us today

JANET YELLEN: Well, Professor, it was my pleasure to speak to aspiring economists.

PROFESSOR: Do we have time for one more question?

JANET YELLEN: Hey, I don’t have anywhere to be

PROFESSOR: All right, anyone have a question? Come on guys, the U.S. Treasury Secretary is right next to us. Uh, yes, you, young man?

[Musical intro. It’s the music from the song “Without Me” by Eminem.] SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Okay, so what is your question?

SLIM SHADY: Two Silicon boys were talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside
Talkin’ outside

JANET YELLEN: Yeah, I heard you the first time.

SLIM SHADY: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Now what the hell’s an NFT?
Apparently, cryptocurrency
Everyone’s makin’ so much money
Now please explain what’s an NFT
I said what the hell’s an NFT?
It’s like real-life Monopoly
Everyone is doin’ it like Gronkowski
Can you please help me make an NFT?

PROFESSOR: Son, I didn’t understand a word you just said.

SLIM SHADY: Thanks!

PROFESSOR: That is not a compliment

SLIM SHADY: Hah! I disagree.

JANET YELLEN: I actually see what you’re saying, young man. Um, we are aware of NFTs, and there are currently—

[There’s Dr. Dre from the movie “Matrix” sitting in the class.]
  1. DRE:Excuse me. I can break it down for you

PROFESSOR: Excuse me, are you Morpheus from the Matrix film series?

  1. DRE: No, but I do have pills if you need some. The thing about NFTs is
    (Verse 2)
    Non-fungibles
    GIFs of Ron Funches eating Lunchables
    Or pics of Colin Jost’s face, very punchable
    Digital images of Digimon doin’ scrimmages
    Or a pic of a nun with a Nintendo Switch
    Dictionary with a pic of Fat Jerry
    I made it last night and now I got $3,000
    And now I can buy me a GIF of Peter Griff-In
    crossin’ up all-star ballers, who are taller
    Look at these if you please
    Supreme Court Justice Chuck E. Cheese
    Bam Margera in a Mini Coop with Master Splinter
    Amy Klobuchar and Adam Driver having dinner
    SLIM SHADY: Hey, here’s a Thanos that twerks
    For 24 million, it could be yours
    And the prices go up and down, you see
    So that explains an NFT

JANET YELLEN: Okay, well, that was just a list of complete nonsense, but you’re not totally wrong. Can anyone here expound on that a bit more eloquently? Anyone? What about you, man with the mop?

JANITOR: Who, me? Well, I wasn’t really paying attention, but if I had to explain NFTs, I’d probably say this:

(Verse 3)
Hey, here’s the thing about NFTs
It’s a non-fungible token, you see
“Non-fungible” means that it’s unique
There can only be one, like you and me
NFTs are insane
Built on a blockchain
A digital ledger of transactions
It records information on what’s happenin’
When it’s minted, you can sell it as art
And this concludes my rappin’ part
Motherf—–

JANET YELLEN: Wow, that’s pretty much what I would’ve said, so thank you.

JANITOR: You’re welcome

JANET YELLEN: I don’t know if this is too forward, but I actually have tickets for UFC 260 if you guys wanna come.

SLIM SHADY, DR. DRE, JANITOR: Aw hell yeah. No doubt.

JANET YELLEN: Great

(Outro)
SLIM SHADY: Na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na
Nerds!