Joe Biden Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 17

Gary…  Kenan Thompson

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Gwen … Kate McKinnon

Jennifer…  Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Douglas…Leslie Jones

[Starts with Gary and Jackie in Biden Campaign headquarters]

Gary: All right, the vice presidents going to be here in a minute. Do you think we can turn this thing around?

Jackie: Yeah, I hope so. You know, Joe’s a good guy, and he means well. He’s just a little behind the times.

Gary: Yeah, I’m sure this whole ordeal is just tearing him up inside.

[Joe Biden walks in the door]

Joe Biden: Hey, oh! Biden’s here!

[Cut to everybody]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Hi, Jackie, how are you? [Joe starts hugging and Jackie and Gary a little too much] Nice to see you dear. So good to see you. Brother man! Come here Gary, brother. How are you doing?

Gary: Alright, hey I’m good.

Joe Biden: Good to see you.

Jackie: Joe, listen. We need to talk to you about something.

Joe Biden: Oh, I know, it’s about my March Madness bracket, right? Look, I know I had Delaware winning the whole thing even though they didn’t make the tournament this year. But hey, it’s better than last year I picked Amtrak Right?

Gary: Yeah Joe, it’s just about all the touchy feely stuff.

Jackie: If you’re really going to run in 2020, you have to change the way you interact with women.

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, you guys know that I’m a tactical politician, right? Okay? I’m a hugger, a kisser, and a little bit of sniffer. The last thing I ever want to do is offend anyone.

Jackie: Well, and that’s why we’ve brought in a Gwen who handles sensitivity training. And she’s going to explain why some of your behavior crossed the line. Gwen, do you want to come in?

[Cut to Gwen enters the room]

Gwen: Hi, Mr. Biden.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Hey, [Joe shakes his hand with Gwen, then puts his forehead on Gwen’s forehead] it’s really great to meet you, Gwen.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Mr. Vice President?

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: One second, I’m just connecting. Sorry for the interruption. Really, truly. Thank you. Now, what were you saying?

Gwen: Yeah, so this is exactly the kind of thing I’m here to prevent.

Joe Biden: Okay, okay. Wait, I think nose to nose is going to be okay. Because look, I did the 23 and the meet thing, like Lizzie– what’s her name, Lizzie Warren, right? It turns out that I’m 1% Eskimo. So, I’m allowed to do the kissing. It’s okay.

Gwen: Okay. Well, ideally when you meet a female stranger for the first time there would be no kisses or hugs of any kind.

Joe Biden: Okay, but that’s a human connection. That’s my whole thing. That’s like telling Mario Batali to take his crocs off. You know?

Gwen: Yeah, I wouldn’t bring him into this.

Joe Biden: Speaking of human connection, why don’t we get some vibes going in here. Hey, [Cut to everybody] Alexa, play Lou Rawls. [Music starts playing]

Jackie: Joe, let’s try to focus.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I can think and shimmy at the exact same time. Here we go.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Yeah, Alexa, let’s stop playing Lou Rawls.

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Of all the people, [Cut to Gwen and Joe] come on, Gary.

Gwen: Mr. Vice President, let’s discuss how to properly greet a woman.

Joe Biden: Okay, all right. What about a handshake?

Gwen: Handshake is great.

Joe Biden: Good. Okay, what about during that handshake I tickle her palm, something like that?

Gwen: That’s not great.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Gwen: I would say no tickling at all.

Joe Biden: Really? Even on her birthday? Okay, all right. Now, what if I see someone that’s having a hard day? Bear with me, here. And I cheer her up by lifting up her shirt and blowing on her tummy?

Gwen: Absolutely not.

Joe Biden: Okay. Okay. Let me see what else I got. I am still allowed to do something like that gorgeous lift that they do at the end of ‘Dirty Dancing’, is that still okay?

Gwen: Who would you do that with?

Joe Biden: Hell, I don’t know, whoever’s strong enough to pick any up. I guess. Coal miner, possibly. Linebacker.

Gwen: Joe, I had a hunch you would be more of a learn by doing type. So I invited a couple of female democratic voters here today who are undecided. I thought it would be helpful if you met them and I could give you some notes.

Joe Biden: Okay. Hey, I promise I will listen and try to learn. So, let’s get them in here. Alexa, play ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top, please.

Jackie: No, no, no, no. They don’t need entrance music, Joe.

Gary: Yeah! [Cut to everybody] Alexa, please stop playing ‘Legs’ by ZZ Top.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Great! Our first voter is from Wisconsin–

Joe Biden: Go badges!

Gwen: –which is obviously a battleground state. She was an employee for General Motors until January when they downsized her unit.

Joe Biden: I would like to upsize my unit. That’s not a joke I would make to her. That obviously just stays in the room. That’s just for us.

Gwen: Jennifer, you want to come in?

[Jennifer walks in the room]

Joe Biden: Jenny. [Cut to everybody] Jenny, it is an absolute pleasure to meet you, okay? And then what m I doing? Oh, I know, I should probably just cradle her face in my hands, something like that.

Gwen: Definitely not that.

Joe Biden: Oh, right! I got to keep it neutral. Greet her like I’m greeting a guy. [Joe brags Jennifer into his arm and then rubs his knuckle on Jennifer’s scalp] Come here, you son of a bitch.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Gary: Hey, hey, hey! Joe, stop that.

[Cut to Jennifer, Gwen and Joe]

Joe Biden: No, no! I’m just messing around, okay? Let me tell you why you’re going to vote for Biden, okay—[Jennifer punches Joe on his stomach and leaves] Oh! Ha-ha. Well, you know, I would say she’s still on the fence, that’s clear as day. Whoo.

Gwen: I was going to save this one for last but it’s clear nothing is getting through to you. Our next voter is from Oakland, California. She is a software engineer for Oracle.

Joe Biden: Oh, I love ‘The Matrix’, the whole trilogy. It just keeps better as I go.

Gwen: She’s looking for a candidate who can beat Donald Trump.

Joe Biden: Oh, you mean the guy that actually bragged about assault on tape?

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Yes. Yes, but unlike his voters, your voters actually care.

[Cut to Gwen and Joe]

Gwen: Let’s bring in Mrs. Douglas.

Joe Biden: Show me Mrs. D.

[Mrs. Douglas comes in. She is very tall and big.]

Mrs. Douglas: Excuse me?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry.

Gwen: What do you say now?

Joe Biden: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean to overstep.

Mrs. Douglas: Wait a second, I know who you are. Oh, my god, you’re Obama’s Granddaddy!

[Mrs. Douglas walks to Joe and hugs him]

Joe Biden: I sure as hell am, get in here!

Mrs. Douglas: Oh, I love you!

Joe Biden: Low-fi, come on. [Mrs. Douglas slaps Joe’s butt] Boom, boom.

Mrs. Douglas: I’m so going to vote for you.

Joe Biden: Thank you. I love you, baby. Thank you. Appreciate it. [Mrs. Douglas leaves].  Wow, her thumbs. Whoa.

Gwen: That was not how I wanted that to go. Did we learn anything today?

Joe Biden: Oh, yeah. I mean,  not really, no. But the important thing I think is that I’m listening. I hear you. [Joe starts massaging Gwen] And I feel you.

Gwen: Not the right direction.

Joe Biden: So, come on! Let’s hug it out, America, what do you say? Biden and some woman in 2020, right? We can do this.

[Cut to Jackie and Gary]

Jackie: Wait! Are you making an official announcement right now?

[Cut to everybody]

Joe Biden: Oh, I sure am. Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’!

Can I Play That? | Season 44 Episode 15

Denny Glans… Kenan Thompson

David… Idris Elba

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Lawrence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Can I Play That intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for actors least favorite game—

Audience: Can I Play That?

Narrator: With your host, Denny Glans.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww! Anybody else.

[Cut to David and Jackie. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: He absolutely cannot. He’s not black enough. [Right answer ring]

David: What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: You are right, Jackie.

[Cut to David and Jackie]

David: Wait, wait, wait. Is this real?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: It sure is because this game is produced by twitter. Twitter, one mistake and we’ll kill you. All right, our first role is blind person, can you play it?

[Cut to Contestants. David hits the button.]

David: Yeah, can I play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow, god took their sight and now you want to take their jobs?

[Cut to David]

David: No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Isn’t that what acting is all about? You know, becoming somebody you’re not?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Not anymore, no. Now it’s becoming yourself but with a different haircut. Okay, next role, astronauts.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: No, I cannot play that. [Right answer ring] [Cut to David]

David: Wait, why can’t he play that?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I just sensed it was a trap.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: And it was. The astronaut was secretly Mexican all along.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

David: Secretly?

Denny Glans: That’s right. The astronaut seemed white the whole movie, but in the last scene, when he gets back from Jupiter, he goes ’23 and me’ and discovers he’s 5% Mexican.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Oh man, that would have been no bueno. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Watch it. Okay, now, what about Caitlyn Jenner in the Caitlyn Jenner biopic.

[Cut to David]

David: Okay, I can’t play that.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. Bonus follow up question, who could play Caitlyn Jenner?

[Cut to Contestants. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: No one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. It is an impossible movie to make, I dare someone to try. All right, a character who is half Asian.

[Cut to David]

David: Is the character visibly Asian?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow! Visibly Asian? Let’s take 100 points away from him please. And, bonus question, which actor can play Japanese?

[Cut to Denny Jackie]

Jackie: Anyone who’s Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and maybe Pakistani. [Right answer ring] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Exactly. Once you’re generally Asian that’s as far as anybody looks into it. And last role, a ghost.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: That depends, who’s the ghost?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Michael Jackson.

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, what movie is this?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans:  The Michael Jackson ghost movie. It’s on lifetime.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I’m going to say no one can play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww, close, only one person can play the ghost of Michael Jackson. Can you name that person?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Oh, I know, Rami Malek. [Right answer ring] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: A white guy. [Right answer ring] A white guy who gains 50 pounds. [Right answer ring] Slave owner. [Right answer ring] And that’s it. [Right answer ring] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. You named all three roles you can play. All right. Jackie, your turn. What can you play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Mom. [Right answer ring] Horny mom. [Right answer ring] White teacher who helps minorities. [Wrong answer buzzer] A white teacher who learns from minorities. [Right answer ring] And a president of the United States.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In comedy or drama?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Comedy. [Right answer ring] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In a comedy, we will accept it, yes. Okay, Derek, you’re up.

[Cut to David]

David: Can I pass?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, that depends. You want me to put your face on Michael Jackson ghost poster? Okay, then. 10 seconds on the clock. What can you play, and go?

[Cut to David]

David: Sammy Davis Jr. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: No, he was Jewish.

[Cut to David]

David: Extra in an ADT home commercial. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Nope, those are all white people now.

[Cut to David]

David:  Alien from outer space. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, when the actual aliens arrive, do you really want to be the guy who put on green face?

[Cut to David]

David: Fine, how about a new voice in the new ‘Lion King’.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hmm, which voice?

[Cut to David]

David: It doesn’t matter, all animals are African.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Yeah, but society has decided that the lion voices are black, but meercat is Billy Eichner.

[Cut to David]

David: Then I’ll play damn bird, Zazu. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?

[Ends with outro]