Tag: Jacob

Blue Bunny

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Jacob… Jacob Thompson

Lisa… Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby… Heidi Gardner

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Ego and Mikey starting the focus group conversation.]

Ego: Okay cutie pies, we’re ready to get started.

Mikey: Well, it’ll be a little more flirtatious of an intro than we need but it’s all good. Hi gang. Thanks for coming out to this focus group.

Ego: We are from Blue Bunny ice cream and we’ve got some new products that we’d love your feedback on.

Keman: Like bomb pops?

Ego:  No, sir. No bomb pops today.

Lisa: Oh, I love bomb pops

Mikey: Again no B pops, but I do think you’ll find our other treats, the ice cream of the crop.

Ben: No offense, but I signed up to try ice cream. Not to hear jokes about it. Can we get to taste it?

Mikey: Okay, I’m sorry.

Bobby: Hey, those two are just trying to do their jobs. They gotta tell a joke or two, let them. It’s their dance, not yours.

Ego: Oh, I’m sorry. Do you two know each other?

Ben: No, ma’am. Just here to try some ice cream, get my check and be on my way.

Bobby: Same here. Same here. Came in a stranger, I’ll leave one as well.

Mikey: Okay, very fun. Well, the first flavor we’re going to try today is peanut brittle pie ice cream. [Ego passes ice cream to the others] So give those a try. And Jacob, how about you go first? What do you think?

Jacob: Oh wow, this delicious.

Ego: Great. Okay, what about you Lisa?

Lisa: Tastes a little wet but yummy.

Ego: Noted at. Bobby what do you think?

Bobby: You know what this tastes like? You remember when you were a kid and you’d be out playing in all the dirty buckets like a hog? And Pappy’d call you to wash up because nana spent the last three hours churning? That woman would churn till she whipped. The blood from her palms, legs in the caramel ribbons of the ice cream. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Okay, thank you. Very descriptive.

Ben: You’re trying to make a grown man weak, miss?

Bobby: No, I’m just eating ice cream, sir.

Ego: Okay, what about you mutton? What do you think of the peanut brittle pie?

Ben: How do I say this? Remember when you’d be down by the pond all day with your hands cut? Trying to catch just one stupid little tadpole? It mean nothing today but back then, hell, that tad was king crab. And then Scooter’s mama, the one with a pretty teeth and eyes like butter, would invite you inside for a whole bowl rocky road. Didn’t matter the flavor though. It was just beautiful mature woman had opened her door to you, arms wide, bosom heavy. This is that. This tastes like that.

Mikey: Okay, so it tastes like Scooter’s mama. Writing that down?

Bobby: You’re seeing things, haven’t you?

Ben: Hah! Only ice cream, miss.

Jacob: Hey, I just taste ice cream. Am I doing this wrong?

Mikey: No. Yeah, guys, we’re not really looking to taste memories of the dustbowl here.

Bobby: Your ice cream carries a weight to it, sir.

Ben: She’s right, I can taste generations of women in it.

Mikey: Okay, I will not be writing that down.

Ego: How about this one? Galactic mint frost. [Ego passes another ice cream to all] Why don’t you guys give that one a taste?

Mikey:  Yeah, Bobby? You tasting that fresh mint in there?

Bobby: No. Taste more like wind. But like the wind when you hadn’t quite reached five feet tall. When back then would knock you right into the neighbor. The one that had lost his wife and daughter in the hospital fire. And in your eyes, he saw em’ both. So you’d sit with him on his porch, watch the world go by. Right as the sun went down, he’d hand you a bowl of cream. Just vanilla, though. He kept it simple since the girls has died. This is that. This tastes like that.

Ego: Got it. So it tastes like a widower in pain.

Ben: Who hurt you?

Ego: Why? You’re looking to save someone tonight?

Ben: Maybe.

Ego: Eat your ice cream.

Mikey: I’m sorry, what is happening?

Ben: I know what I taste?

Ego: Yes≤ but in, like, six words this time.

Ben: Fine. Remember 4th of July.

Mikey: Okay, please stop.

Ben: The air was so thick with smoke, you could barely find your little brother’s hand. Daddy let you both stay out late as long as you kept your little brother close. Never did find him. Walked home alone, went straight to the icebox, scooped out some chocolate chip. Nothing too fancy on the night brother disappeared. This is that. This tastes like that.

Bobby: Dammit! I can’t take your pain away, but I can sure give it a bed to rest in. Let let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: You want a nap with my hurt

Bobby: I said as much. Let me nap with your hurt.

Ben: Go saying something like that and you might just end up taking a nap with my hurt.

Mikey: All right. Well, thanks for coming out everybody.

[Ben and Bobby walk up to and hold each other]

Ben: Hear me now. I will always come for you.

Bobby: What took you so long?

[Cut to their picture holding each other]

Male voice: Blue bunny ice cream, let me nap with your hurt.

 

Twins

Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

Weekend Update- Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy on Passover 3

Michael che

Jacob… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: Tonight marks the sixth night of the Jewish holiday, Passover. Here to talk about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: My dad wanted me to give you this insults and also to remind to you to wear flip flops this summer around the pool.

Michael che: Well, thank you so much, Jacob. You’ve been fun on Passover? Is that fun for you?

[Jacob silently opens his notes and reads from it]

Jacob: [clearing throat] During Passover, [cut to Jacob] we eat several foods that are symbolic of Passover story. We eat matso because it reminds us that the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to rise when escaping Egypt. It actually tastes okay, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: [laughing] Hey, that’s pretty good. Hey, Jacob, you don’t have to make a speech like at your bar mitzvah. We can just hang out and talk as friends.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The other symbolic foods include the shank bone and also haroset which represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to make bricks. Like the bricks I scraped my chin on when my daddy was teaching me to play bridge and my chair collapsed. But seriously, I want to thank my older brother Ethan for helping me get ointment my scrape even though he once changed the password on my iPad and charged my $20 to get back into it.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That sounds like something my brother would do. Like this one time–

Jacob: [interrupting by reading] The bitter herbs remind us [cut to Jacob] of the bitter lives the Jews lived before they escaped. Usually, the bitter herb at our table is Romaine lettuce, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. You are really giving free press to Papa John’s pizza. Is that your favorite pizza place? Papa John’s?

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: The roasted egg on the seder plate [Cut to Jacob] is symbolic of renewal and rejuvenation, which is also what my mom always says my aunt Madeline is doing to her face.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s a solid burn, Jacob. [giving fist for Jacob to hit] Come on, hit it.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: Finally…

Michael che: Alright, I’ll just– [puts his hand back]

Jacob: The the karpas, [cut to Jacob] a green vegetable is dipped in salt water to represent the tears of the Jews which is sad and I’m sad when I think about how I will be going away to camp in the Poconos and leaving my friends behind. But even Derek Jeter had to leave the Yankees one day. [Jacob wipes his tears quickly]

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry. You’ll have fun at camp.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: In conclusion, [Cut to Jacob] I want to thank my cousins Zack, Merica and John for coming in from Scottsdale because they got a free flight from complaining, my best friend Seth, who everyone thinks is Jewish, my uncle Simon even though my dad says he is so blinded by his devotion to Israel that he ignores all reasons. And I want to dedicate this to my Buby who makes the best masso ball soup. But it’s no–

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ah, here it comes.

Jacob: Papa John’s pizza!

Michael che: There it is. Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob, everybody!

Weekend Update Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy Explains Passover With His Dad

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

Dr. Hankin… Billy Crystal

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Today marks the end of the Jewish holiday of Passover. Here to give us some info about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Hi, Michael. My dad wanted me to give you this ointment for your athlete foot.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you, Jacob. So, did you have a good Passover this year?

[Jacob does not answer. He opens his notes and starts reading.]

Jacob: [clears throat] Each year at Passover, we ask four questions which explains why this night is different from all other nights.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh?

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The first reason Passover is different from other nights is that instead of eating leavened bread, we eat matzah. It’s pretty blend, but don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it sounds like you’re not a big fan of matzah.

[Jacob just looks and Michael Che and continues reading his notes.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The second reason is that we eat bitter herbs to remind us the cruel way the Jews were punished in Egypt. Sounds pretty bad, but not as bad as my brother Ethan got punished for grinding at his BBYO dance. But don’t quote me under it.

[Cut to Michael Che and Jacob]

Michael Che: Yeah, I wasn’t gonna. Jacob, it seems like you really like telling jokes? I mean where did you get that great sense of humor from?

Jacob: My dad who happens to be here tonight.

[Dr. Hankin slides in]

Dr. Hankin: Hi. Michael, here is the foot cream. He has toe nails that look like potato chips.

Michael Che: It’s my podiatrist, everybody. Dr. Hankin. So, doc, what’s your favorite thing about the Passover holiday?

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then opens his notes too.]

[Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: [clears throat] The third reason Passover is different from other nights is that we dip twice. I don’t know about you but I always dip my food twice, once in salsa and once in guacamole. You do that math!

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: What math, man? Look doc, we can just have a conversation like we do at the office.

[Dr. Hankin just looks at Michael Che and then looks at notes.]

[Cut to Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Dr. Hankin: The fourth reason Passover is different is that on Passover, we eat reclining back on our chairs. Sort of like when I took Peggy Tinkerton to the prom. She was a goy.. as in goy-geous. We did a lot of reclining in the back seat. You do the math!

Jacob: But don’t quote him under it.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: I promise I won’t. Yes, so Yankees. They had a rough loss last night. Nineteen innings. Are you guys sad that there Derek Jeter isn’t playing anymore?

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin start scratching their eyes.]

Hey, I’m sorry guys. I didn’t mean to make it weird.

[Jacob and Dr. Hankin look at Michael Che for a moment]

Jacob: In conclusion, I want to thank my wonderful dad for joining me on this special day.

Dr. Hankin: Oh, Jacob. I remember the moment you were born. You mother was screaming, “I’m not doing this again.” Let us pray. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water these days because look how big you’re getting. You look mar….ginally bigger than you were before.

[Cut to Michael Che, Jacob and Dr. Hankin]

Michael Che: Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob and his dad, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Jacob: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.