Blonde

Jackie… James Austin Johnson

Marilyn Monroe… Chloe Fineman

Devin… Brendan Gleeson

Agnes… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Netflix intro]

Male voice: This fall, Netflix released “Blonde”, an NC-17, no-holds-barred look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. Here’s a preview.

Jackie: Marilyn what’s the holdup? We’re about to shoot the big dance number.

Marilyn: I’m just gonna mess it up Jackie. It’s like I’m a slave to this Marilyn Monroe.

Jackie: Don’t say that, Marilyn. everybody loves you. And to cheer you up, I brought in Devin and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mails. Come on in ladies.

[Devin and Agnes walk in. Devin is a man with breasts.]

Agnes: Wow, Ms. Monroe, this is the most fan mail we’ve ever seen.

Devin: Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better.

Jackie: See Marilyn they love you.

Marilyn: And I do need the love daddy. All right, ladies. Let’s hear those letters.

Agnes: Okay. What do we got?

Devin: Yeah, here’s one. Let’s see now. Marilyn, you are the sweetheart of this every other month.

Marilyn: Even February? Shucks, I’m feeling better already.

Devin: Here’s another one. Marilyn I wish I was you.

Marilyn: Aww.

Agnes: My turn. Marilyn, you are a whore and no one will ever love you, you disgusting tramp. You’re poisoning our children. Not a fan.

Marilyn: That felt a little long and mean.

Jackie: Oh, that one musta gotten mixed up in the mail.

Devin: Oh, here’s a good one. Marilyn you are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. Your to sweetheart, sweetheart. Love from Louisville.

Marilyn: I love you too Louisville. Gee, I think I’m ready to start that dance.

Agnes: Marilyn, you dumb baboon, your brain is in your button, I’d like to kick it. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Ouchie.

Jackie: What the hell was that?

Marilyn: Maybe we could screen these little or if they get really mean, I don’t know, bail?

Agnes: Well, it’s hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and then mean.

Devin: And some of them start mean and then nice.

Agnes: And then some of them start mean and just end.

Marilyn: Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?

Devin: A Sure. Here’s one, Ms. Monroe.

Marilyn: You sure it’s all nice?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: You read the whole thing?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Talk to friends side to side?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Alright, go ahead.

Devin: Marilyn, you are a whore.

Jackie: Here’s an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead?

Agnes: You got it? Marilyn you were born a flower and you will die a flower.

Devin: You’re a dirty flower and your mother was a flower too.

Agnes: Oh, wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I’m also a flower. Now not a fan.

Marilyn: God, everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe. I should have stayed Norma Jean.

Agnes: Oh, well, this one’s addressed your Norma Jean.

Marilyn: Really? Only one person in the world calls me that.

Agnes: Norma Jean. It’s your dad. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Okay. Maybe we don’t read any of it that say not a fan at the end?

Devin: Well, this one says Not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay?

Marilyn: No. I’m sorry. Who are you two again?

Devin: Well, we’re your fan mail readers.

Marilyn: And that’s your whole job?

Agnes: Well, we’re also veers for some of the gay stars. But we can’t say which, Rock Hudson.

Marilyn: Okay. I think I’m ready to be done with these old women, please.

Agnes: Oh, no. Just just give us one more chance.

Devin: Yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it’s a drawing. [it’s a drawing made by a kid of a woman inside jail]

Marilyn: What is that?

Agnes: It’s you in jail for being a whore.

Jackie: All right, enough of this nonsense. Ladies, you’re fired. Let me see those letters. [Jackie is looking at the letters] Here’s one that really says  really says what the public feels about you. “Marilyn, you’re a genius and an icon. Now, go dance your heart out.”

Marilyn: Jackie, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe letters really are a girl’s best friend.

[Marilyn feels really happy and goes to dance]

Devin: Did it really say that?

Jackie: Who knows? I can’t read.

Send Something Normal

Halen Hardy… Miles Teller

Adam Levine… Mikey Day

Armie Hammer… James Austin Johnson

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with people in game show set]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s easiest game show “Send Something Normal”.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Halen Hardy]

Halen Hardy: All right, America. Welcome to send something normal. I’m your host Halen Hardy. For those of you that don’t know, the game is very simple. We have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman’s DM on Instagram in a way that is normal. And fellows, if you send a normal DM, you win $100 million. Again, the game is send a woman a normal DM and you win $100 million. Now, let’s meet our first contestant Adam Levine. Now we all know why you’re here, Adam.

Adam Levine: I was bad.

Halen Hardy: Yes, you were Adam. Next up coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer.

Armie Hammer: Yes. Yeah, hi. Can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause?

Halen Hardy: No, you may not. And next up, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well. Thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?

Halen Hardy: Well, Neil, you haven’t had a DM scandal yet, but hey, you never know.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, please. In my circles, DM stands for divalent magnesium. [laughs alone] But I do suppose in our infinite alternative realities, anything’s possible.

Halen Hardy: And our final contestant, it’s SNL cast member, Bowen Yang.
Bowen Yang: Hello.

Halen Hardy: Now, Bowen is our returning champion. Last week, he racked up over $1.4 billion. Bowen, what do you attribute your success to?

Bowen Yang: Oh, being gay.

Halen Hardy: Makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine. How are you going to respond to this woman’s DM? “Hey, Adam. Huge fan. Love your music.”

Adam Levine: Umm. Okay, tough call. Can I see her most liked vacation photo?

Halen Hardy: Seems like that couldn’t possibly help but sure. Gotta say Adam, don’t love that hand lotion.

Adam Levine: Okay, okay, I have my answer.

Halen Hardy: All right.

Adam Levine: All right. Gonna kick things off with a “Hoooly moly!”

Halen Hardy: Are you sure?

Adam Levine: Yeah. But I got three more though. “Hoooooly moooly”. “Holy crap”. “Your body is making my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Sorry, Adam. You almost had it there.

Adam Levine: Oh, okay. I did?

Halen Hardy: No. Armie Hammer, it’s your turn to respond. Your messages. “Hey, Armie, hope you’re doing okay.”

Armie Hammer: All right, look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about me in the press. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’ve changed. So I have my message.

Halen Hardy: What’s it going to be?

Armie Hammer: I want to break open your bones and suck out the marrow.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: All right. Let’s go to Neil. Your messages is “Hey, Neil. I love your podcast.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh my goodness. What a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well researched response. Please show me her most likes vacation photo.

Halen Hardy: You too Neil? Alright.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. Okay. Alright, calculating.

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, let me help you out here. You will win if you just say thank you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have an alternate response. “Salutations. Perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope, metaphorically speaking.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, are you asking that woman to look into your penis?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: [smiles] I suppose I was. Is that not normal?

Halen Hardy: No, no. All right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen, got a good feeling you’re gonna win this round.

Bowen Yang: Me too.

Halen Hardy: Your message is “Hey, Bo, I’m a huge fan. I would love to be your friend.”

Bowen Yang: Oh that’s so nice. Well this will be easy I’ll just say…

Halen Hardy: Just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa.

Bowen Yang: Oh, no.

Halen Hardy: Got a response, Bowen?

Bowen Yang: “Hooooly mooly!” “Hoooly crap!” “Your music makes my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Bowen, come on, man. Horrible. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we’ll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all.

Adam Levine: I’ll give you a hint. I’m gonna say I might need to see that booty!

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli] [cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

PSA

Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.

 

50s Baseball Broadcast

Lyle O’ Riley… Mikey Day

Diz Newsome… Sarah Sherman

Walt… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with commentators in Yankee Stadium, 1951. The video is black and white.]

Lyle O’ Riley: No score as we head into the bottom of the 3rd Yankees White Sox. Lyle O’ Riley for WNYC radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome.

Diz Newsome: Gorgeous day for all ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: It is. Before we get back to the action on the field, let’s go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?

Walt: WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Shmack Men’s department store. Hey, where’d you get that Blaine brown suit and plain brown hat? Why? Shmack Men’s of course. Now back to the ballgame.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you. Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning.

Diz Newsome: Oh, yeah. Stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah. It just knocked my cold right out.

Lyle O’ Riley: Well, glad you’re feeling better.

Diz Newsome: Oh, I’m excited. I’m feeling chatty. Like I could talk about everything forever.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right, well, this methamphetamine medicine did the trick. And Gene Wendling comes to the plate. 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitches.

Diz Newsome: I mean not bad for an alcoholic.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. Don’t say that, Diz.

Diz Newsome: Hey, you see now Wood Ling’s wife. Mama Mia. Okay. 22 years old. The tush on that woman like soldiers hair cut, high and tight.

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, let’s not talk about another man’s wife like that, Diz. And here’s the pitch.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, except it’s not. Pop fly directly over home plate.

Diz Newsome: You know what? I’m gonna take another cold pill so I don’t get stuffy.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, sounds good Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate. Or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.

Diz Newsome: How the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball snag that bra?

Lyle O’ Riley: Alright, watch the language, Diz.

Diz Newsome: I mean, you know he’s Italian, right?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay.

Diz Newsome: Italians aren’t even white.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. Please don’t say that, Diz. And here’s the pitch. Lne drawn past third.

Diz Newsome: And it’s out of here.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, it’s not. It is not. But DiMaggio easily makes it to first.

Diz Newsome: Ah, yeah. Question. How much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe’s bedsheet?

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay. I’m not going to answer that because that is inappropriate.

Diz Newsome: Oh, no, it’s not. Inappropriate would be something like “How do you fit for hookers on one chair? You turn it upside down.”

Lyle O’ Riley: Oh my god. No Diz. How about a sponsor ID, Walt?

Walt: Today’s coverage is brought to you by Micha the businessman Scotch.

Lyle O’ Riley: Thank you, Walt. One out. Runner on first and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.

Diz Newsome: Another boo sound.

Lyle O’ Riley: All right. A lot of folks are saying this kid’s power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.

Diz Newsome: I mean, yeah, the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right? [phone ringing] [oh phone] Hah? Of course. [hangs up the phone] Well, the station manager told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It’s real shame because it’s wanted.

Lyle O’ Riley: Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantle squaring up at the plate.

Diz Newsome: Hah! What the hell, right? Okay, so, Ruth’s down the road in Cleveland.

Lyle O’ Riley: Pitch is low by one.

Diz Newsome: I mean, it’s about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk, looking for what else? Horse and hotdogs.

Lyle O’ Riley: Please stop and right winds up.

Diz Newsome: Okay, so nothing’s open and Babe is starving.

Lyle O’ Riley: The pitch ball two.

Diz Newsome: So he sees this little street kid about 10 years old and Babe Ruth, he ate him.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. No. He did not.

Diz Newsome: Babe Ruth was so hungry that he ate a child alive.

Lyle O’ Riley: No. He did not. And is ball three.

Diz Newsome: He did.

Lyle O’ Riley: He did not.

Diz Newsome: He did. Clothes and all.

Lyle O’ Riley: Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. 3-0 is the count.

Diz Newsome: Well, he ate one.

Lyle O’ Riley: No.

Diz Newsome: Hey, if you’re listening to this and you’re in your car, and you’re stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.

Lyle O’ Riley: Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: Slam the gas and see what happens.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, he’s joking. Don’t do that.

Diz Newsome: I’m not.

Lyle O’ Riley: Ball four, bases loaded.

Diz Newsome: You know, I have some observations on different races.

Lyle O’ Riley: No, no, no. Let’s hear from our sponsor.

Walt: I kind of want to hear this.

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing] [Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dream Home Cousins

Rick…Mikey Day

Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal

Lillian… Heidi Gardner

Pat… James Austin Johnson

Bea… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]

Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.

Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.

Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.

Rick: Oh, brother.

Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”

[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]

Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.

Rick: Pat?

[Pat is staring awkwardly]

Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.

Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.

Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”

Lillian: Oh I love that.

Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”

Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

Rick: God, the fucking cat!

Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.

Lillian: Oh wow.

Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–

Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.

Gage: We went with a more closed concept.

Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Bea: Back where America still built things.

Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?

Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Lillian: Yes.

Rick: But upstairs…

Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.

Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.

Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?

Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

Lillian: What? You told her that?

Pat: I gave my sweetness.

Lillian: Oh my god.

Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.

Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–

Bea: The devils in the raft.

Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.

Lillian: You’re 6’1”.

Pat: I’ll crouch.

Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.

Bea: That was when men were men.

Rick: And now, drumroll please.

Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Lillian: Are you thinking about it?

Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.

Scattering Remains

Kyle Mooney

Mr. Klein… James Austin Johnson

Jerrod Carmichael

Andrew Dismukes

Mrs. Klein… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults mourning by the sea shore]

Kyle: Can’t believe he’s really gone.

Mr. Klein: He isn’t gone, son. Pop Pop will always live on inside of all of us.

Jerrod: That’s beautiful.

Andrew: Well said sir.

Mrs. Klein: Well, sweetie, are you ready to say goodbye?

Mr. Klein: Yeah. But first I want to share something with you guys. You know this spot was where Pop Pop would take me off to my ballgames. Believe it or not, I wasn’t much of an athlete. [giggling] Okay, okay. Ha-ha. But Pop Pop would take me here. He pointed out to the sea and say “Son, life is like the tide. There’s highs and lows, but eventually it all washes away.” Gonna miss you dad.

Jerrod: Wow. It’s a beautiful story, Mr. Klein. Thank you for sharing.

Andrew: And thank all of you for allowing us at Boudreau’s Mortuary to be a part of this moment with you.

Jerrod: Now, if you’re ready, please bow your heads as we scattered the remains.

[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein bow their heads. Jerrod and Andrew carry the body on a wooden plank and throws the body to the sea.]

Mrs. Klein: Oh my god!

Mr. Klein: No! Oh god, no.

Andrew: These moments are always so hard. We’ll give you folks some space.

Mr. Klein: What? How did you just do?

Jerrod: We said goodbye to Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: He was supposed to be cremated?

Jerrod: Who was?

Mr. Klein: My father? He was supposed to be cremated. Not chunked off a cliff.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: Umm-hmm.

Andrew: Okay. So that was not related to us.

Jerrod: Yeah. But in a way, wasn’t this kind of better?

Andrew: Oh, speak on that.

Jerrod: Well, you got the body aspect of a burial but we still got to throw him.

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, I liked that. Well, [pulls out the bill] time for the dreaded check. Who’s the boss around here? [pointing at Kyle] You I assume? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Just kidding, sport. Maybe some–

Kyle: [yelling] Do not touch me, man.

Andrew: Absolutely, sir. Whenever you’re ready. [passing the bill to Mr. Klein]

Mr. Klein: We’re not gonna pay for this.

Jerrod: Mm.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jerrod: May I ask why?

Mrs. Klein: You threw my father in law of a cliff?

Jerrod: Okay, see, I thought we resolved that.

Mr. Klein: No, we did not.

Mrs. Klein: Honey, calm down. Your condition.

Andrew: Okay, you know what? I feel like you guys are mad. So how about I just go get him?

[Andrew jumps off the cliff]
[Kyle, Mr. Klein and Mrs. Klein are shocked. Jerrod walks up to them.]

Jerrod: So what you guys got cooking up this weekend?

Mr. Klein: I really don’t want to talk about that.

[Jerrod pulls out an urn]

Mrs. Klein: Why don’t you bring an urn?

Jerrod: Oh, this? This isn’t an urn. It’s soup.

Mrs. Klein: You keep soup and an urn?

Jerrod: No, no, it’s a thermos. It looks like an urn. I got it at a morticians conference.

Andrew: [from down] I got him.

Jerrod: All right. Good job, man.

Andrew: What are you guys talking about?

Jerrod: They’re just asking about the urn.

Andrew: Oh, the thermos? Pretty good. Pretty cool, right?

Mr. Klein: No, it’s not cool. Jesus. Just get the body back.

Andrew: No worries. So I got pop pop right here.

Kyle: [looking down] That isn’t Pop Pop.

Mrs. Klein: That’s clearly a young cyclist. He’s wearing those little shoes.

Andrew: Umm. Mm-hmm. Okay. And that’s a deal breaker for you guys?

Mr. Klein: Yes.

Andrew: Alright. I’ll just put them back. [throws the body down again] So hey, you think I can get some of that soup?

Jerrod: Oh, hell yeah. Heads up. It’s shrimp bisque. [throws the thermos down]

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.