James Brown… Kenan Thompson
Boomer Esiason… Beck Bennett
Bill Cowher… Alex Moffat
Nate Burleson… Chris Redd
Phil Simms… Mikey Day
Andy Reid, Bruce Arians. … Aidy Bryant
[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: You’re watching the Super Bowl 55 pregame show on CBS.
[Cut to James Brown in his set.]
James Brown: Hello and welcome to the Super Bowl, four hours of television for 11 minutes of action. I am James “no, not that one” Brown. And joining me as always are Boomer Esiason.
Boomer Esiason: Excited to be here.
James Brown: Coach Bill Cowher..
Bill Cowher: Hey!
James Brown: Former wide out, Nate Burleson.
Nate Burleson: Okay.
James Brown: And the great, Phil Simms.
Phil Simms: Do we need this many hosts?
James Brown: As everyone at home knows this year has been anything but normal. The pandemic, racial and political divisions, army hammer. But today, we come together in a spirit of unity to watch football. And murdered billions of chickens for their delicious wings.
Boomer Esiason: [eating chicken at the set] I’ll wing to that. Ha-ha-ha.
James Brown: Right. That is right. The league also dealt with so many covid restrictions this year but with hard work and vigilance, we were able to get through the season with only 700 cases. Hurray us! But again, today is all about positivity.
Bill Cowher: Well, except in terms of test results, the NFL is incredibly careful. If you test positive, they will ask you to cover your mouth with a play chart.
Nate Burleson: And you know who stood in the covid restrictions more than anyone this week is Tampa Bay’s famous prostitutes.
Phil Simms: Dude?
James Brown: Today again, is about inclusivity and we’re offering a variety of viewing experiences. Earlier we showed highlights with a new Nickelodeon twist. [Cut to football game. There’s a lot of visual effects of green gooey liquid being sprayed at the players.] Including a few gruesome injuries. [cut to a player bleeding green.]
[cut back to the host set]
Phil Simms: The game is also being simulcast on the Bravo network where it’s hosted by Andy Coen and instead of the Super Bowl, [cut to Bravo channel’s display of Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes] it’s called “Old Hag versus Young Slut.”
[cut back to the host set]
Nate Burleson: That’s right. That’s right. And if the Puppy Bowl isn’t your thing, flip over to the Hallmark channel for the original movie “The Woman Who Married Her Cat.”
Boomer Esiason: And this is interesting. The cat turns out to be Santa’s son.
Bill Cowher: Wow. Very cool, Boom. Now, this year, we want all viewers to feel welcome, appreciated and seen.
Phil Simms: And to reflect the importance of this moment in history you’ll see in passion commercials, this one almost brought me to tears.
[cut to an old video clips of black people’s achievements.]
Female voice: In these times, what you stand for matters more than ever. We’ve learned once again that freedom isn’t free. But we must always strive for equality. And we must always reach for [cut to Cheeze-Its commercial] Cheeze-Its. Cheeze-It’s, historically delicious. Cheeze-Its, historically delicious.
[cut back to the host set]
Phil Simms: Wow, truly inspiring.
Nate Burleson: What the hell?
James Brown: That was a commercial for Cheeze-Its?
Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.
Bill Cowher: Right bro. But look, don’t worry. Hah! To balance off the so called ‘progressive ads’, we’re also airing some with the more conservative ads like this one.
[cut to the ad. A pizza delivery buy is ringing the door bell.]
Male voice: At Papa John’s, we know you want real ingredient. No additives, no preservatives and no child sex trafficking in the basement. Sorry democrats, you’ll have to get your child sex pizza over at Hillary’s Pizzeria. Papa John’s. It’s A-OK. Stop by with your Q-Pon today.
[cut back to the host set]
James Brown: Wait! That’s a pizza ad?
Boomer Esiason: Really makes you think.
Phil Simms: But some of the most prominent advertisers are skipping out this year and are instead directing out the money and attention to the ongoing vaccine effort.
James Brown: That’s right. Take a look at how Budweiser adapted this classic Super Bowl ad to help inform the public.
[cut to the ad. The horses are playing football, but there’s a syringe placed on the football. The syringe flies and needles an elderly lady.]
Male voice: It’s good! Better get the second dose of cold, refreshing Bud-light.
[cut back to the host set]
Phil Simms: Okay, I think that could be misleading.
Bill Cowher: Yeah. But remember, there’s another side to everything and anti-vaxxers drink beer too, that’s why Budweiser also released this ad.
[cut to the ad. There are two frogs talking.]
Frog: Don’t trust Pfizer.
[cut back to the host set]
Phil Simms: Well, I guess it’s nice to hear both sides of the issue via frogs.
Boomer Esiason: I love frogs. They’re like turtles without shells.
James Brown: And speaking of both sides, let’s talk to both of these incredible coaches about how they’re preparing for big game. Joining us first is chief’s coach, Andy Reid.
Andy Reid: Hey there, Jim. Appreciate you have me.
James Brown: Alright coach, how do you win this game?
Andy Reid: Well, we’re going to pass it and then we’re going to run it, and when they have the ball, we’re going to stop it.
Bill Cowher: Thanks so much for that coach Reid. Fascinating stuff.
James Brown: And now, let’s check in on the other side line with Tampa based coach, Bruce Arians.
Bruce Arians: Hey there, guys. Thanks for having me.
James Brown: Yes. You just heard coach Reid’s plan. How do you match up against that?
Bruce Arians: Well, we’re going to run it first, then pass it, and then when they have the ball, we’re going to try to take the ball back.
James Brown: Phenomenal insight. I’m glad we checked in
Nate Burleson: Oh, but I want to hear what coach Reid thought about what Arians just said.
Andy Reid: You do?
Nate Burleson: Yeah.
Andy Reid: Okay. Well then, just ask real slow.
Nate Burleson: Hey coach Reid, what do you think about what coach Arians just said?
Andy Reid: Great. Really good.
James Brown: Alright. Well, thanks to both coaches. Guys, final predictions for what we’re going to see today.
Bill Cowher: Okay, JB, I predict that at the end of the game covid will address the Florida crowd and thank them for an incredible opportunity.
Nate Burleson: I predict that Cardi B will do a disturbing commercial called “Wet Ass Pepsi”
Phil Simms: Well, last year, Planters killed off Mr. Peanut. This year, I predict that Kia Hamsters do a murder suicide.
Boomer Esiason: And I predict that the green M&M will finally go full porn.
James Brown: Well, sounds like we got a lot to look forward to. Happy Super Bowl everybody. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.