James McAvoy Shows Off His Accents | Season 44 Episode 11

James McAvoy

Meek Mill

Leslie Jones

[Starts with James McAvoy, Meek Mill and Leslie Jones on SNL stage]

James McAvoy :Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: Oh, I love that accent. Do Irish.

James McAvoy: I’m James McAvoy and I am–

Leslie Jones: Australian.

James McAvoy: –hosting SNL this week.

Leslie Jones: New York.

James McAvoy: Hey. I’m walking here–

Leslie Jones: NO!

[re-take]

James McAvoy: Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: It’s Christmas Ya’ll.

James McAvoy: What?

Meek Mill: It’s January Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Listen to me Meek. If I say it’s Christmas, it’s Christmas. Now do you got anything to say to me?

Meek Mill: Merry Christmas Leslie.

Leslie Jones: Thank you. Merry Christmas.

 

James McAvoy’s SNL Video Diary | Season 44 Episode 11

James McAvoy

Meek Mill

Leslie Jones

[Starts with selfie video of Jame McAvoy with written ‘James McAvoy’s SNL video diary’]

James McAvoy: Guys, shut up. I’m gramming. [People laugh] Hard.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Monday, January 21, 2019, 6:19 PM]

We are doing a video diary of my time at the SNL, which I believe in America they call SNL. And this is a wall. This designed I think to intimidate me.

I have been here I think for 90 minutes to two hours. And that is terrifying but really nice at the same time. Everybody is being lovely. I just went into the office of Lorne Michaels and that was a big, and the entire casts and lots of producers and writers from SNL sat on the floor. Grown adults. They are employed by a big multinational corporation which is amazing that they sat on the floor. And I got to sit on a chair, which was great. They all pitched different ideas I mean.–

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Tuesday, January 22, 2019, 3:47 PM]

This is the stage. And this is the audience. This is where my entire family will stay. This is all for them. All from the Ireland and Scotland, which is a narrow space. bye.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Wednedsay, January 23, 2019, 8:18 PM]

Hey there. I have just done the table read. Or as we call, the read through of 40 sketches or so. Yeah. It’s crazy. Absolutely crazy. My admiration for these people at Saturday Night Live is at a peak level most of the moment because they do this every weekend. This is insane. It is amazing. So no one want to be a part of it.

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Thursday, January 24, 2019, 9:34 PM]

This is my fourth night on SNL. And this is us about to do the pre-record for one of the sketches. We’re in about the main streets of New York city, or Brooklyn, or I don’t really know the difference which I know is terrible. And it’s a really good sketch. I’m really excited. It’s going to be with a bunch of incredibly talented people and I’m little bit intimidated. But I’m looking forward to it. Fingers crossed you’ll like it upon transmission.

[Cut to James McAvoy, Meek Mill and Leslie Jones on SNL stage]

James McAvoy :Hey, I’m James McAvoy and I’m hosting SNL with Meek Mill.

Leslie Jones: Oh, I love that accent. Do Irish.

James McAvoy: I’m James McAvoy and I am–

Leslie Jones: Australian.

James McAvoy: –hosting SNL this week.

Leslie Jones: New York.

James McAvoy: Hey. I’m walking here.

Leslie Jones: NO!

[Cut to selfie video of Jame McAvoy. Time note- Saturday, January 26, 2019, 11:37AM]

James McAvoy: Hello there. I’m James McAvoy and I am hosting SNL tonight. I am super excited, so super tune in, super please.

Virgin Hunk | Season 44 Episode 8

Dalton… James McAvoy

Hanna C… Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Jessica C… Heidi Gardner

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Adocku… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Virgin Hunk intro]

Narrator: A 26 year old virgin whose job is exercises, has to choose between 30 women who didn’t vote. This season on ‘Virgin Hunk’.

[Cut to Dalton in suit with a rose]

Dalton: Hi, I’m Dalton and I’m from Turd River, Colorado. There are a few reasons that I could be a virgin, so just pick one and go with that. I’m ready to find love with one of these randos.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Hanna C: I missed you.

Dalton: Oh, tell me something about you.

Hanna C: I’m Hanna C. [Cut to Hanna C] I’m 31 so I’m almost dead. My ex-boyfriend is Dirty John. But he dumped me because I’m too clingy.

[Cut to Dalton and Hanna C]

Dalton: I have such a connection with you.

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Kate sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton:  Yeah, I had so much fun on [Cut to Dalton] our date today. Skydiving with Post Malone. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Well, I’m from Rest Area, Missouri. And I can’t wait until you visit my hometown where you’ll see that all my busted brothers have a crush on me.

[Jessica C. comes in]

Jessica C.: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves and Jessica sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Okay. Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Jessica C.]

Jessica C.: I’m Jessica C. and I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been myself even once.

[Cut to Dalton and Jessica]

Dalton: [Looking at the pageant sash that probably says ‘Miss Virginia’. Jessica has her hand over the title] Well, I can see that you’re Miss Virginia.

Jessica C.: Oh, almost. [Jessica takes her hand off. The pageant sash says ‘Miss Vagina’.] [Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy Bryant: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Jessica leaves and Aidy sits with Dalton] I missed you. I loved our date today where I dry humped you at medieval times.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Yeah, I’m sorry my pants exploded, I’m super backed up. So tell me about yourself?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, I’m 20-frunk years old. And I’m a content creator. And that content is porn.

[Hanna C. walks in]

Hanna C: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Aidy leaves and Hanna C sits with Dalton again] I missed you.

Dalton: So what makes you you?

Hanna C: Well, I mostly do P.R. Puerto Ricans.

Dalton: Oh, cool. So how’s it going in the house?

[Cut to Hanna C]

Hanna C: Actually I do have something to confess. I grew up with Kaitlyn S. and she’s a toxic lying bitch with no teeth. Does that make you like me more?

[Melissa Villaseñor walks in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry, can I steam him for a sec? [Hanna leaves and Melissa sits with Dalton] I missed you.

Dalton: Tell me something about you.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: You can probably tell because I’m the only Brunette here that my family fled from Cuba. But don’t worry, I’m anti-immigration. If I could have closed the door behind me, I would have.

[Adocku walks in]

Adocku: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Melissa leaves and Adocku sits with Dalton] I missed you. Do you remember my name?

Dalton: You know I don’t . And if I guess, you’ll guess I’m a racist.

Adocku: My name id Adocku.

[Cut to Dalton]

Dalton: Wow. I’m never going to say that.

[Cut to Adocku and Dalton]

Adocku: Okay, I’m Katie now.

Dalton: Hey, I like that.

Adocku: Anyway, I’m black and have short hair, so I just want to say goodbye. Okay.

Dalton: Van’s out front. [Adocku leaves. Aidy Bryant joins Dalton]

Aidy Bryant: Hi, it’s me from before, but more drunk.

Dalton: So we’re on a date. Tell me the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, it’s tough to say. It’s either my awkward phase or when my mom combusted in front of me.

[Cut to Dalton and Aidy]

Dalton: That sounds really hard.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, so, mouth stuff now or – [with idea of kissing] [Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, I need more time. [Kate takes her keys out, shows it to Aidy then throws it] I’m going to get that.

[Aidy leaves and Kate sits with Dalton]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, I brought you this peach because I live in Georgia. [Kate gives Dalton a peach] And this is a banana [Kate takes a banana out] because if you pick me then—[Kate gestures sexual idea to Dalton] [Cut to Kate and Dalton]

Dalton: Oh, this is making me fall for you. I’m not saving myself until marriage. I’m saving myself until the producers say go.

Kate McKinnon: I have a secret. I’m also a virgin.

Dalton: Why, what’s wrong with you? I’ll walk you out.

[Dalton and Kate leave]

Air Traffic Control | Season 44 Episode 11

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of a flying airplane] [Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner in cockpit]

Mikey Day: Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t fly this plane.

Heidi Gardner: I’ll go see if the pilot is conscious. [Heidi leaves the cockpit]

Mikey Day: Okay. Try to get someone on the radio. Hello, hello. May day. May day.

Kate McKinnon:  Hello.

Mikey Day: Yes, hello.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon in air traffic control room]

Kate McKinnon: Yes, this is Glasgow Air Traffic Control. Are you in distress?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Yes. I’m not a pilot. I am part of Klie Jenner’s brand integration team. We’re on a private jet going to London for Kylie event. We hit bad turbulence and our pilot got knocked unconscious. But Kylie’s not on board. Thank god.

[Cut to Kate Mckinnon]

Kate McKinnon:I don’t know who that is, but it shounds like you’re going to have to land that plane. I’ll put you in very good hands. This man is the best, he’ll get you down. Just do exactly as he says.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Okay. I’m ready.

[Cut to James McAvoy in air traffic control room]

James McAvoy: All right. [James McAvoy speaks with heavy accent that it’s hard to understand] I know you’re coming off walley up there. I’m going to have to skating faster than –- okay?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I’m going to get you down, but here’s what I need you to do first. Okay. Deep breath.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: What?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: I just want you to take a deep breath. In, out, in, out.

[Cut to Mikey Day. Heidi Gardner is in the cockpit again.]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: What did he say?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

Mikey Day: Deep breath. Right? And you need to stay calm?

[Cut to Mikey Day and Heidi Gardner]

Heidi Gardner: What are they saying?

Mikey Day: He says I need a stakub?

Heidi Gardner: Okay, maybe there’s one in the cabin.[Heidi leaves] [Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Listen to me very carefully. On the wee panel of switches in front of you, there’s a —size of a — What do you call it? [Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon] American cookie?

Kate McKinnon: Oreo cookie.

James McAvoy: Oreo? No, Keebler. All right. There’s a thing of a size of an Oreo cookie. I thought it was a Keebler. What’s to do that —

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Say again?

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: The brown — that looks like an Oreo cookie? Where’s it coming ?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I got broom doo-da.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: No, the color. Brown.

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: Oh, brown.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: What’s the brown dooda coming in at?

[Cut to Mikey Day]

Mikey Day: I’m so sorry your accent is very thick. Is it possible to not have it? Over? [Heidi Gardner and Kenan Thompson enter the cockpit] Theyr’e speaking Scottish. And it’s very hard .

[Kenan sits on co-pilot’s seat]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let me handle this. I spent some time in Scotland so my ears are favorable to Scottish accent. This is Kylie’s branding director, let’s do this.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Good. Two is better than one. Tell me if you can –– goggles.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Nope. [Kenan stands and tries to leave]

Mikey Day: I need you. [Mikey doesn’t let Kenan go]

Kenan Thompson: Fine. Please tell me what I need to do.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

James McAvoy: You try.

Kate McKinnon: All right. Can you look out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: Did I eat at Wendy’s? Never.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Out the window.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: All right, fine, I had Wendy’s last week. But don’t tell Kylie.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Let’s sit back man! We’re only going to get crack at this once. There’s a wee Jack on the dash. Can wee talk.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Mikey Day]

Kenan Thompson: No. [Kenan leaves] [Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Oh, no. Oh, no. In the name of the wee man. Radar’s got you leaving Scottish Airspace. The connection is going crunchier than a bag of smashed chips.

[Cut to James McAvoy and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Okay. We’re going to have to patch you over to Welsh Air Traffic Control. God speed to you guys.

[Cut to Mikey Day] [Heidi joins Mikey]

Heidi Gardner: What’s happening?

Mikey Day: I don’t know. I think we’re on our own.

Beck Bennett: Hello? Go for Wales Air Traffic Control.

Mikey Day: Maybe not. Good to hear your voice, Wales.

[Cut to Beck Bennett at his air traffic control room[

Beck Bennett: [Speaking foreign language]

Mikey Day: What?

Heidi Gardner: Just aim for water.

[Ends with video clip of flying airplane]

Charmin | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

James McAvoy

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

[Starting with a clip of Plaza Mall] [Cut to Aidy Bryant showing a commercial to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, and that was Charmin Toilet Paper [Cut to AidyBryant] Super Bowl commercial. Hut, hut, wipe. Now, my question for this focus group is, would the commercial you just saw make you want to go with Charmin?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Kyle Mooney raises his hand]

Kyle Mooney: I just got to say, that commercial was incredible. I’m blown away.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, [Cut to Aidy Bryant] well we’re happy to hear that.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: So like, how’d you get them to do that?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Who?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Well, the bears, of course. Are they like actors or a real family?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, the bears aren’t real. They’re animated.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: Ah, animated. Cause they’re animals. Makes sense to me.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Anyone else have any thoughts?

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [James McAvoy raises his hand]

James McAvoy: Yeah. I thought that the commercial was actually pretty good, [Cut to James McAvoy] but what about something like this? Bear wakes up after a night of raging, right? And bathroom is completely destroyed. Like Chernobyl. And bear’s like, if that’s on the walls, then what’s the deal with my ass? He checks it. It’s totally clean. Charmin’s done its job. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, wow! Very… Just very. Okay, but we aren’t looking for new commercial pitches, just your thoughts on the commercial you just saw. So yes, you sir?

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Well bravo, but perhaps one of the bears is an educated type. Leather bound book, such and so forth. Ladies panties steamed for him?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Well, we will think about that. Yes. You ma’am?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, couldn’t help but notice the bears were a family of whites?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, the bears aren’t white? They have no race. They’re bears.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: I know they’re white because I’m white. And it is my greatest shame. So chew on this. If I had it my way, I would have been born a wise old Asian man.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Well, how about checking this? Girl bear and boy bear are on date. And things are getting flirty under the table. And girl bear says, meet me in the bathroom in five minutes. She walks in there but the bean burrito that she just had starts destroying her, butt-wise. Alright. And then five minutes later, boy bear walks in, starts rocking her world like he’s got no idea that his lady just deuced it, because the booty is clean. Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. She is speechless.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, not in 1 million years.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: I feel like that’s kind of naughty, and also how do you even get the bears to do that, I was thinking?

[Cut to Aidy Bryant. The TV screen has a picture of a Charmin bear.]

Aidy Bryant: Okay. Okay. Okay. This is an image from the commercial, so why don’t you tell me one word comes to mind? Just one word?

[Cut to Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Privilege. White. Generational wealth. Cape cod.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Again, one word. Just one word.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay that’s actually very good.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Tidy deuce. Came out clean like an angel. She doesn’t even need to wipe, but she still does as a victory lap, Charmin.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, that’s not helpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Well, I don’t know, honey, it’s yous guy’s bear.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Um, perhaps one of the bears is a captain in the new world, [Cut to Kenan Thompson] and he meets a young native woman, and he teachers her the gentle tongue, and in return she does the forbidden dance of her people. Ooh la, la, la. Ooh la, la, la.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: Okay. Okay, no. My turn. Alright, bear sits down on a public toilet, right. And the automatic flush goes off while he’s still got his ass on the seat. Alright? So bear gets sucked down into the underworld. Full of pee pee and poo poo creatures. Hideouts things, right? And he has to fight his way back up into the surface world, because it’s his wedding right? And bear finally makes it out, runs to the alter, sees his wife, but check this, she’s one of them, a doo doo creature. Sick body though. They kiss. Charmin.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney, James McAvoy, Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon] [Everyone claps]

Kenan Thompson: Incredible man. Great job, dude.

James McAvoy: Thank you.

Kyle Mooney: That should be the commercial.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, I’m going to go ahead, and cut this thing short because it’s been bad and very unhelpful.

[Cut to James McAvoy]

James McAvoy: When do we get our free Charmins, because I needed it like yesterday.

[Ends with a clip of Plaza Mall]

I Love My Dog | Season 44 Episode 11

Mark… James McAvoy

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mark, Chris Redd, Pete Davidson, Kenan Thompson warming up for rap music]

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah

Love that girl, she stay loyal in these streets
coz soon as I pull up to the crib she getting keyed up

Pete Davidson: She my main girl I get home she get at me

hop up on my lap like welcome home, daddy

Chris Redd: I love her.  I don’t even got to fake it

and when she’s at home she loves being naked

Pete Davidson: She’s my best friend, She shows love and respect

That’s why she walk around with my name on her neck

All: I love my bitch, my bitch is my dog [Chris, Pete and Kenan standing with their dogs]

good dog, good dog, only dog that’s all.

Bow wow, my dog, good dog I talk to my dog

Bow wow, she cute she bald,

big dog, little dog, fat dog, skinny dog, roof.

Chris Redd: My cranium and feed my Pomeranian

she doodoo on my carpet I say No that is not where duty goes.

Woof Woo,f that’s the classic sound of my Pitt with my basset hound

If my dog was a dog, then I re-up with a mini Pekinese In tea cup

Pete Davidson:  I’m allergic to these bitches I touch ‘em and start itchin’

if I see it then I pet it get the drugs up out the kitchen

Woof Woff, Zyrtec and a Benadryl and a Claritin ‘cause it’s getting real

I like my dogs hype, hype, hypoallergenic

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: We love dogs out here! You think this is a [Bleep] game?

You say something about my dog, I will literally murder you in your face!

Chris Redd: Woah, woah. Hey, Mark, man. You the DJ. Chill, bro. Chill, the hell is wrong with Mark?

All: My dog she comes when I call

Bow wow, My dog, silly dog, new dog, old dog, black dog, gold dog

[Cut to Kenan riding ATV with his dog]

Kenan Thompson: My dog’s name is Bryce, she my little pookie pookie

she love a little hat [The dog is wearing a little hat] but she really love a cooking

Got her own Instagram @pookiespike3

Bow wow, some say I rescue her but she really rescued me

Aw, look at her little face. You is a little boo boo in the hat. You do got a little hat on, don’t you?

[Marks comes up front yelling]

Mark: Respect this dog! Or I’ma shoot you dead! I got shooters in the streets.

Chris Redd: Yo, Mark, man, enough with the death threats, man. Chill, bro.

Pete Davidson: Something ‘bout dogs, Mark.

Kenan Thompson: I don’t like Mark.

Chris Redd: Mark crazy, bro.

Lady rapper: You boys done? I got something to say.

Puggin and thuggin yeah, that’s cool

but the kissing disgusting

Kenan Thompson: I’m kissing pookie right now.

Lady rapper: Yeah, but I’m wishin’ you wasn’t

matter fact, I’ma keep it 100

[Lady rapper carrying a rabbit]

dogs are okay, but I love me some bunnies

hop hop bunny, bunny, bunny hop hop

There’s a bunny on money hop hop

frankly I don’t give shh-TZU,

bunnies are better than dogs it’s true, it’s true

Kenan Thompson: Now you talkin’ crazy.

Mark: My dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny!

All: Dog, dog, dog, dog.

Lady rapper: Bunny hop bunny.

All: She closed it, she fall.

My best friend my dog

Lady rapper: Bunny, hop.

New Orleans Vacation | Season 44 Episode 11

Aidy Bryant

Phil…Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Dierdre… Heidi Gardner

Raynolds… James McAvoy

Beck Bennett

Waitress… Ego Nwodim

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]

Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.

Phil: Should we just call it a night?

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.

Dierdre: Hey.

[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]

Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.

John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.

[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]

Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.

Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.

Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. N’orleans, no.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum

Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Aidy: He just said he was from there.

Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.

Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.

[Cut to everyone]

John: Can we get the check?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.

Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Is that true Phil?

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.

[Cut to everyone]

Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?

Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?

Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.

Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: Up? Straight up?

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.

Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.

Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: A trash bag?

Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?

Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.

[Cut to Aidy and Phil]

Phil: I lived there.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.

[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]

Aidy: Jumbo?

Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.

[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]

Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.

Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.

[Cut to Melissa and John]

Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.

[Cut to everyone.]

Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.

[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave] [A waitress walks]

Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?

Waitress: No.

Mr. H | Season 44 Episode 8

Marcus… Chris Redd

Mr. H… James McAvoy

Craig… Pete Davidson

Tunee… Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with intro with written message, ‘What does a teacher make? A difference. –Taylor Mali’] [Cut to guys in street corner]

Marcus: Who this?

[Cut to Mr. H stopping by the car]

Tunee: Look at this dude.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Is that Mr. H? [Cut to Mr. H coming out of the car] That’s my teacher from school. [Cut to Marcus] What he doing out here?

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus walk up to each other]

Mr. H: Hey, I thought I might find you here. Haven’t seen you in school much lately.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yeah. Let me guess. You came all the way down here to bring me back. Right? What’s the point, Mr. H? You think I’m going to be some big college success story?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Is that so crazy?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: You’re watching too many movies. Dude. Brave teacher comes down to the hood to save his gifted student from the streets, right? What. Next I’m going to hear, Marcus. You’ve got potential.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You do.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Right, and next, Marcus you’re smart?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: You are smart.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Then it’s like, Marcus, you’re a genius. [Cut to Mr. H with expression of disagreement] [Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says] Marcus, you’re a genius.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Ahh.

[Cut to Marcus expecting Mr. H to repeat what he says]

Marcus: Why can’t you see you’re a genius, Marcus?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Genius is thrown around a little too much these days. But I will say you are very bright and [Mr. H takes an envelope out] I brought you this. It’s your S.A.T. results.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, I threw that in the trash.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: And I took them out. [Cut to Mr. H and Marcus] I think you owe it to yourself to see how you did.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Man, you open it. You’re the only one that cares.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right, well, you got an 880.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Out of 900? Here you go. Oh, Marcus, what you doing in these streets when you got a basically perfect S.A.T score?

Craig: No, you didn’t.

Marcus: What do you know about it, Craig?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I know it’s scored out of 1600, and an 880 is, like, pretty bad.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Shut up, Craig. When you gonna face it, Mr. H? I’m not your hood to Harvard success story, all right?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: No, Harvard is definitely out of the question. But I think with a little studying, you can get it up to 1100.

[Cut to Tunee]

Tunee: That’s still not that good.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yes, it is, Tunee. It’s better than anybody else got out here.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I actually got like a 1260.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Well, you are buying weed right now. So you can leave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: I’m just waiting for my change. I gave you $100 10 minutes ago. And you still haven’t given me change.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: All right, I got it, man. [Marcus starts calculating on his phone] $60 of weed—

Mikey Day: Are you using a calculator for that?

Marcus: Take away a hundred—

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey Day: It’s 40.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Go smoke your weed, man.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: Come on, Marcus.

[Cut to Mr. H and Marcus]

Marcus: No, enough of this bull snaps, bro. I made up my mind. Mr. H. I don’t know why you brought your tie and your shirt down here, man. What more do you want for me?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I was actually hoping to score some shrooms.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: What?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: I got a bachelor party. I promised my buddies I’d pick up some shrooms. If poss, maybe get them before next Friday?

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, I think we could do business.

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Nah. This is a test, right? You’re trying to make me learn?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H:  No, it’s definitely not that. I want to try and buy some shrooms. Either from you or somebody you know.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: Yeah, man. Come through tomorrow.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: All right. Marcus, hope to see you in class sometime soon. [Mr. H leaves] [Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: Yo, Mr. H. Yeah? What did the guidance counselor say?

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: About what?

[Cut to Marcus]

Marcus: After you showed him my essay. He said something to you. What did he say.

[Cut to Mr. H]

Mr. H: He said that it was a little all over the place.

[Cut to Marcus. Marcus smiles.]

Marcus: Just like me.

The U.E.S. | Season 44 Episode 11

Leslie Jones

James McAvoy

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip, written ‘A message from Leslie Jones’] [Cut to Leslie Jones rapping]

Leslie Jones: In my live, I’ve lived in some of the hardest neighborhoods in America. Comption, Spanish-Harlem. Bed-Stuy. But the neighborhood where I live now, you all don’t know it like I do. This is the Upper East Side, bitches.

It’s the UES where the players play,[Cut to white men standing in front of the Fairway store] White men standing right up the Fairway,
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

You think you got a subway? Bitch, we got a Q, [Cut to Leslie rapping in the Q train] The only train longer than World War II,
Always got a seat and it’s clean as hell,
Got that nobody peed in here subway smell.

Aint no drama the car’s strictly mellow
just some working folks and their kids with a cello
Some think it’s sleezy well [bleep] the haters
your train’s got stairs we got excalators

This ain’t harlem ya’ll I got seamless for days [Cut to cab coming to pick up] and a cab outside that comes right away
I order where I want ya’ll can’t stop me
two in the morning bring me salmon and broccoli

think there ain’t no black folks, you mistaken
there’s nannies and nurses and a doorman whose Jamaican
You all thought that at 50 I’d be broke or dead
now I’m a lady from Comption inline for fresh bread

Man, everybody’s balling on the Upper East Side. People from all over the world come to live the UES life. Like the German dude who bakes my bread, [Leslie walks to the door of the bakery and walks in to the baker] hit him up one time.

[Cut to James McAvoy rapping in German accent, with Leslie Jones]

James McAvoy : It’s the UES and I know what you want
got a line out the door for $12 croissant
Five stars on yelp, yeah, you know the sitch
I bake a cherry streudel make zaga my bitch

My father baked bread and my father’s father
you get bread some where else don’t even bother
Ladies got the hookup just ask for Mika (Michael)
I’ll take her to heaven before you had your soul-cycle

Leslie Jones: Yeah, that’s that East side life.

[Cut to split screen. Leslie Jones is speaking to Kate McKinnon on the phone] Yo, Kate, you think West side is poppin? Come over to UES where it’s all going on.

We could hit the met gala stay

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of café Carlyle]

Leslie Jones: Go to café Carlyle

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat

[Cut to the door of restaurant Daniel]

Leslie Jones: Dine at Daniel

[Cut to Kate sitting on sofa with her cat]

Kate McKinnon: Or stay home with my cat
home with my cat
home with my cat
It’s going to be a party when I’m home with my cat
cause I got Netflix and I got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
Got a warm cat
I got a cozy blanket and I got a warm cat

[Cut to Leslie rapping outside the German bakery]

Leslie Jones: It’s the UES where the players play
We got nail salons and diners for days
I used to be basic but that was long ago
Now I’m moving on up like the Jefferson show

There it is. Ues for life. Son. We can’t go back. They say, “Leslie, you forgot where you came from”. Bitch, I live here, because I remember where I came from. Upper East side.

James McAvoy Monologue | Season 44 Episode 11

[Starts with monologue intro of the SNL stage]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen. James McAvoy.

[James walks in the door and front to the stage, he is wearing a kilt]

James McAvoy: Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I am James McAvoy and I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] I’m in the same building as Steve Martin and it truly makes me feel like I’ve made it. I don’t know, some of the more eagle eyed may have noticed I’m wearing a kilt. It’s not a skirt, it’s a kilt. And it’s actually very masculine. It’s here to signify our family, and I wear it because my calves are shredded. Plus I’m Scottish. In our country or in this country even, people seem to recognize me from movies like “Star Wars”, like “Christopher Robin”and “Trainspotting”. But those people would be wrong. Because that’s Ewan McGregor. He’s the other Scottish actor. I think it’s actually easy to tell us apart. My eyes are blue. And he’s got more money than me. This might be the first time you heard my native accident. Because in most of my movies my accident is either English crumpet or American hot dog. I’m actually very proud to be from Scotland. For anybody who’s not familiar with my homeland, I thought I’d give you a quick little primer. Scotland is a part of Great Britain, located north of the wall. That’s where the original wildlings came from. Lots of great inventors are from Scotland. The telephone invented by Alexander Graham Bell, Scottish. The television invented by John Yoeg By Bear, Scottish. And the deep fried mars bar invented by Wee Patrick from down the road who is stoned out of his nut, Scottish. I hope you all have learned something about my beloved Scotland. And before—yeah, I totally lost my place. Thanks very much. Messing up gets a laugh. Thank you. I’ll be doing that all night. And for anybody who’s watching back home, go to bed, it’s six in the morning. We have a brilliant show for you lined up. [Cheers and applause] Meek Mill is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.