Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

School Board Meeting

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Jane… Cecily Strong

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson

Mr. Dod Yang

Jan… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson

Aristotle Athari

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

[Cut to the school meeting.]

Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.

Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?

Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!

Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Ego: Okay, next!

Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

Alex: What exactly is that?

Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]

Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?

Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!

[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]

Alex: Sir, do you have a question?

9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–

Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!

[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]

Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

Ego: No.

Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

Ego: We do not.

Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.

Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!

Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?

Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.

Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.

[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]

Melissa: You guys ready?

Chloe: [singing] Science!

Aristotle: [singing] Fear!

Melissa: Which one prevail?

Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

[9 comes all hyped up again]

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

[9 nods his head]

9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

Alex: No! No!

Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

[There’s no one at the table]

[Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]

Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!

[Ego and Alex jump scared]

Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.

 

New Wife

Beck Bennett

Jan… Kate McKinnon

Vincent… Larry David

Chris Redd

Candice…Cecily Strong

[Starts with Beck and Jan walking to Vincent and Chris]

Beck: Vincent, there you are. What re we celebrating tonight, bud?

Vincent: You haven’t heard? I got married this past weekend.

Chris: You did what?

Vincent: I met and married a wonderful woman. She opened up a whole new world to me.

[Candice walks in]

Candice: Vincent! Here, pocket square. Oh, my god! Look at you lawyers just serving alley McBeal realness. I’m gagging.

Beck: Gagging?

Vincent: Come on, Greg. She’s gagging. Candice is gay famous. She knows all the lingo.

Jan: Okay. And where did you two meet?

Candice: Mykonos.

Chris: Greece?

Candice: No. The other one. Yes, fool! Greece.

Beck: So, Candice, what do you do?

Candice: Appearances.

Vincent: yeah. She does the whole gay circuit. She’s big with the Twinks, daddies and even the techno sluts. You know, the gay world isn’t just one thing. It is a complex tapestry of cultures. You know, like South America. I’ve learned so much from her.

Candice: Yeah, I’m basically the kitty ambassador to the Twink republic of Quank.

Jan: What does that mean?

Vincent: Jan, are you paying attention? She says she is the kitty ambassador of the Twink Republic of Quank.

Jan: Uh-huh. So, does that mean that you’re a singer?

Vincent: Pfft! Singer? She’s an entertainer. Like, later tonight, she’s co-hosting power bottom at Yes Twink.

Candice: Yeah. You guys can come, but you have to bring three friends and they have to be either bus cute or rude. Two out of three. Oh, I got to go. Xavier is almost set up.

[Candice leaves]

Chris: Uh, set up?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She’s gonna perform for us. Let me ask you something. How old do you think she is?

Beck: Your new wife Candice?

Vincent: Yeah, yeah. She won’t tell me. She’s either 18 or 55. Either way, she’s timeless A.F.

Jan: Alright, well, if you’re happy, then we are happy for you. Cheers.

Beck: We’re here.

Chris: Cheers.

[music playing]

[Candice walks in with four half nude dancers]

Candice: Hey queers, are you bitches ready to make nasty?

Vincent: Hello? Called a response. Answer her!

Jan: Yes. Yes. We’re here.

Candice: I say, where are my queens?

Vincent: Answer her!

Candice: I said, who is queer in the house?

Chris: Sure, I’ll be, I guess.

Vincent: See?

Candice: [singing] Boys in high heels getting higher and higher
queens getting snatched as their drag time expires
attention embraces, he’s just as crazy
I only work for the monty, hunty

Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, say it, oh-oh

Beck: So, what is this song about?

Vincent: What’s it about? Are you listening? It’s like when you walk into the club and the A list queens and Twinks are up front with the money crowd. And in the back half, you’re trolls and the lowest of the queens. Just haters looking for problems. But she doesn’t do it for the approval, no. No, no, no, no. She does it for the monty and the Givenchy hunty. It’s empowering, man!

Jan: Okay. What’s happening now?

Vincent: Oh, I love this part. She’s simulating sex with all her gay dancers. It’s fun.

Candice: [singing] I bought five tickets for the train
Yi, er, san, su

Beck: Did she just count to five in Mandarin?

Vincent: No. To four. She doesn’t know five.

Beck: Why did she have five tickets for the train then?

Vincent: Because the squad has four queens, plus her makes five. You know what? You know what? Get out! Just get the hell out. [pushing Beck] I want you off the property now. Get the hell out of here. You’re fired. Get out.

Jan: Is everything okay? You got so mad.

Vincent: Yeah. I’m sorry. I took my prep in an empty stomach.

Candice: Vincent, baby, we need to get going. We need to get to my gig.

Vincent: Oh, look at the time. Yeah. We got to go now if we want to be at power bottoms for her. You know, 3:30 AM performance.

Jan: Okay. But we do have a meeting at 6 AM.

Vincent: Yeah, we got that 6 AM meeting, right? You know, we have time to hear one song and then go, which is perfect because after that the club is overrun with thirsty bottom feeders. You know. You know what I’m talking about.

Chris: what is a thirsty bottom feeder?

Vincent: Girl, please. Like you don’t know.