A Girl’s Halloween

Vanessa Bayer

Megan… Aidy Bryant

Janelle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with A Girl’s Halloween intro] [music playing] [Cut to Vanessa and Megan dressing up. It’s eight PM

Vanessa: Megan, you look so cute.

Megan: Oh, thanks. Janelle, will you like, fluff the back of my hair? It feels like it’s getting flat.

Janelle: Yeah, yeah. You guys, I love how we’re like, keeping it so chill this year.

Megan: I know.

Vanessa: So, we’re just grabbing dinner and then heading to Ryan’s for a bit?

Megan: Um-hmm.

Janelle: You guys, let’s do a selfie.

Vanessa: Oh, okay.

Janelle: Alright. Smile!

[They take selfies]

Megan: This is gonna be such a fun night.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM]

Megan: This night f****n sucks!

Janelle: I gave my credit card to someone and I don’t have it. Who has it?

Vanessa: Please! I need to get pizza.

Megan: Oh! Pizza, bitch!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: Hey, Megan. Will you draw my whiskers? Your’s look like, so good.

Megan: Yes. I did like a little white line underneath for definition.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s so smart.

Janelle: Just like that. That’s what I want mine to look. I’m gonna look so cute.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM. All their make ups are messed up.]

Janelle: I’m so ugly.

Megan: Don’s say that.

Janelle: Megan, don’t. You stop coz you have been a bitch to me all night.

Megan: That’s because you wouldn’t wait.

Janelle: No. You said to go, Megan!

[Janelle walks away. She falls down.] [Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Vanessa: Should I paint my nails yellow?

Megan: Oh, yeah. You should do yellow for the cheese.

Janelle: Hey, if you wanna be a cat too, like, I have extra.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s okay. I like being the cheese.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle drunk at the streets at four AM.]

Vanessa: Why did you make me be the cheese? You guys got to be cute. And you made me be the cheese.

[Cut to Megan sitting down at the side of the street, wildly.] [Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: My these shoes are cute. It was so hard to find grey ones that matched.

[Cut to Megan walking alone drunk at the street. She can’t walk properly because of her shoes.]

Megan: Hey guys, please wait. I got it now. Come on. Wait for me. Guys!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Janelle: You know what? I think I’m not gonna drink tonight.

Megan: Good idea, Janelle.

Vanessa: That’s so smart, Janelle.

[Cut to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle at the pizza place. Janelle pukes on the pizza.]

Megan: [singing looking at the guys beside them] Oh, babe, what up, baby, you want some of this?

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: You and your drunk friends got to get out of my restaurant now.

Megan: No, you cannot yell at her.

Bobby: Get out of my store, okay? Before I turn the hose on you.

Megan: Oh, yeah. You would love to do that.

Vanessa: You nasty pervert.

Megan: Pervert!

[Cut to Bobby at eight PM sticking halloween stickers on his restaurant door.]

Bobby: [looking at the stickers and smiling] Spooky!

[Cut to Bobby spraying water on the girls using hose]

Vanessa: What the hell.

Janelle: Oh, my god!

[Cut back to Vanessa, Megan and Janelle getting ready]

Megan: Oh, I look cute.

[Cut to Megan running through the glass door of pizza restaurant breaking it.]

Bobby: Oh my god!

[Cut to Vanessa and Janelle lying on a sofa, still drunk]

Vanessa: That was so fun.

Janelle: Yeah. I’m so glad it was just us girls.

[A guy painted all green is behind them]

The guy: Hey, what about me?

Janelle: Ew, who let that guy in?

[Megan walks in. Her mouth is all green.]

Megan: I have no freaking idea.

[The End]

How 2 Dance with Janelle

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy… Kyle Mooney

Mom…Taraji P. Henson

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with How 2 dance with Janelle intro] [Cut to Janelle streaming live with her friend Teddy sitting behind her.]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, a.k.a. Jay Train, a.k.a. Janelle. And I’m here as always with my best friend Teddy.

Teddy: [walks near to Janelle] Best friend and prom date.

Janelle: That’s right. We’re going together as a joke. [laughs]

Teddy: So funny!

Janelle: Anyway, we’re live streaming today in honor of my channel hitting 1 million subscribers. So, shout out to my 1 million subscriber, Jeremy Gates from Danberi state penitentiary. [Janelle hits the play button and the music starts playing] Okay, let’s get dancing.

[Janelle and Teddy stand]

Today we’re gonna learn how to do the Do Drop. Alright Teddy, first you have to shake your shoulders like you’re cold then roll your body like it’s a snake. It’s easy. Let’s try it full speed.

[Janelle starts dancing]

Teddy: Oh, my god!

[Mom opens the door enters the room]

Mom: Woo-hoo! Y’all better be kissing in here.

Janelle: Ew, gross!

Teddy: Yeah, that’d be so gross.

[Janelle pauses the music]

Janelle: Can you leave? I’m doing my dances.

Mom: Oh, I know baby. Your brothers and friends are all watching in the living room.

[Michael walks in]

Michael: Janelle! None of my friends want to play Xbox with me.

Mom: Michael! Go take the garbage!

Michael: Mom, it’s not even making sense!

Mom: You better get out of here boy!

[Michael leaves]

Baby, show me the dance you were doing?

Janelle: Oh, it’s call the Do Drop. Like this.

[Janelle shows the dance.]

Mom: Oh, no, no, no. That is not how we move in this house. I raised you better than that. We move like this.

[Mom shows Janelle how to move even better.]

Teddy: [looking at Mom] Oh, how cool pillow. I’m just gonna put it right here.

[Janelle puts the pillow over his lap.]

Janelle: Oh, mom!

Mom: Please! You know I auditioned to be a fly girl. Now let me show you how real real woman dances.

Janelle: But I’m not a woman.

Mom: Well, your body disagrees. Alright, step one, jam!

[Mom plays the music and starts dancing]

Ay! Ay! Step two, it’s all about arms and back. You gotta pop it like this. Pop! Pop! Pop it out! Pop it! Pop it!

Janelle: It looks like someone’s trying to punch you in the spine.

Mom: That’s what’s hot about it. Pop it! Pop it!

[Janelle and Mom are dancing together]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Now, how does that feel for you?

Janelle: It hurts everything.

Mom: Hah! Then you’re doing it right, baby. Now watch this. This is when you’re dropping it low.

[Mom starts shaking her butt] [Michael walks in]

Michael: Mom, my friends are watching this!

Mom: Hey, boys! Don’t you eat all my food!

[Michael leaves]

Janelle: Teddy, get in here.

Mom: Yeah! Teddy!

[Janelle pulls Teddy in the middle of her and Mom.]

Mom: Come on, Teddy! You have to move your hips like this.

Janelle: Yeah, and move your arms and chest like this.

Mom: Yeah, go Teddy! Go Teddy!

[Teddy faints]

Is he alright?

Janelle: Yeah, he faints a lot. I’ll just get him some water.

Mom: Okay, baby. You go.

[Janelle leaves]

Mom: [looking at the computer] What’s that comment say? Do you know how to twerk? Oh, baby. I was made for–

[Michael storms in]

Michael: No, no, no, no.

[Michael is pressing all the buttons trying to stop the streaming] [This livestream has now ended.]

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing] [music playing] [Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody] [music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

Childbirth Class

Janelle… Aidy Bryant

Amy… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Heather… Ego Nwodim

Donald… Chris Redd

Disa… Heidi Gardner

Magnus… Harry Styles

[Starts with a child birth class. There is a guide and three pregnant couples.]

Janelle: Okay, welcome to child birth class. My name is Janelle. [Cut to Janelle] I’m here as a guide through this very special time. Please feel free to share anything. This safe place.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: I’ll start. Hi, I’m Amy and honestly, my body feels like a mess. My body feels completely different.

Mikey: Oh, honey, you’re doing great.

[Cut to Heather and Donald]

Heather: Hi, I’m Heather. Lately I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

Donald: Babe, you look beautiful.

Heather: Donald, don’t.

Donald:

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: And, Disa and Magnus, how are you doing?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, hi. I guess I’m like these women said, I’m feeling, how do you say in English? Cute.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: You said you’re feeling cute?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Sorry. She learned English on Instagram. She’s been feeling, how you say, sexy as hell, so to say.

Disa: Oh, yeah. Sorry, I said cute when I meant sexy as hell.[Cut to all three couples] My sisters, we are the same. I love you.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: So where are you guys from?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: Iceland. Disa and I just arrived in America on lip syncing visas.

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: What are lip syncing visas?

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: You know, the lip syncing. To do an example.

[Disa covers her mouth and sings as Magnus tries to lip sync.]

Disa: I can’t feel my face when I’m with, you but I like it.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Wow. Very talented. Dads, how is the pregnancy going for you guys?

[Cut to all three couples]

Mikey: I’m kind of scared. Will I even be a good dad?

Donald: I feel you. Don’t know if I’m ready for this.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Magnus: For sure, my dudes. The struggle is real. Mostly I’ve been snowboarding every day and watching my wife get hotter. Eating Godiva Truffles and making mega gains at the gym. Ready to father. Ready to raise a genius. Maximum effort. Sky’s the limit on dadding.

[Cut to all three couples]

Donald: Dadding?

Mikey: Yeah. Not where I’m at, at all.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: It sounds like everyone is in different places. Have you been getting exercise? Fresh air?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: I used to do yoga four times a week but now just walking up the stairs is hard.

Amy: I’m like, is this even my body? I want to lay down all the time.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Oh, yeah! My girls, I feel you. Lucky I have really easy exercise for pregnant. [Disa stands and shows her exercise] So, have you tried? Have you tried? Have you, have you, have you tried? Have you? Ma, ma, ma, have you tried?

[Cut to all three couples]

Heather: No.

Donald: You could try it.

Heather: Donald, you’re in the danger zone.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, guys. Now, let’s talk intimacy.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Amy: We don’t have that.

Mikey: Yeah, because you can’t have sex this far along.

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, actually—

Amy: No, [Cut to Amy and Mikey] you can’t.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Us too but we find other ways to connect. What is it called? When he, how you say, slide inside?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Sex?

Disa: Yes.

Magnus: Our favorite. The sessions are long and wife is very pleased. Have my dudes tried this?

[Disa and Magnus are preparing to show the other couples something] [Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Oh! You don’t to have demonstrate it.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus joining their butts]

Magnus: Have you tried?

Disa: Have you tried?

Magnus: Have you tried, my dudes?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Okay, you guys. You’ve shared a lot. So, let’s open it up to the rest of the group.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: Ow, ow, it hurts.

Magnus: Do you want to tell her? Tell her.

Disa: Okay. Safe space, right?

[Cut to three couples]

Heather: Until today.

[Cut to Disa and Magnus]

Disa: I’ve been gaining lots of weight in my butt but it’s not like fat. Magnus, what would you say is happening to my butt?

Magnus: Juice. Her butt is becoming very juicy. I like it so much.

Disa: Because what if I have the baby and my butt stops being juicy?

Magnus: Then it will go back to how it was before, like really fit and toned. It was like a little basketball butt.

Disa: But look how I have that butt. I don’t even know. [Cut to three couples. Disa looking at Heather] I never exercise. Ma’am? Afterbirth, what even is my butt?

Magnus: Let’s all exchange contact information so we can keep in informed after the birth.

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Mikey: Informed on what your wife’s butt will be? I’m down.

[Cut to three couples]

Disa: And us girls, too. I want to send you pictures of the babies.

Amy: Wait. You’re having twins?

[Cut to Amy and Mikey]

Disa: Triplets.

Magnus: There’s three of my dudes in there.

[Cut to three couples. Heather is preparing to fight with Disa and Magnus.]

Heather: Now, I’m mad because I’m about to give birth in jail.

[Cheers and applause]