Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Cyrus… Kenan Thompson

Janice… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Pete telling his story to his friends]

Pete: So then, I roll up on this clown and punch down. Lights out, son! Ha-ha.

Sasheer: Ha-ha. That’s cold, bro.

Pete: Yeah, 119 is my block. That’s just how it is. Whoa!

[Cyrus is an old man sitting on a bench with a chessboard on the table]

Cyrus: Hey! Let’s go sit down over here, young blood.

[Pete walks to Cyrus and sits across the table]

You know anything about this game?

Pete: Yeah. I played a couple of times.

Cyrus: Ah! So you don’t play chess, young blood. Coz, chess ain’t no game. It’s a road map to navigating these streets.

Pete: What you talking about, old man?

Cyrus: What I mean young blood, is you out here acting like a pawn, you see? You’re running your mouth, you’re swinging your fists. Pawns is all about that battle. But you want to be the king, you got to be thinking about the war, you feel me?

Pete: Yeah. But a pawn could do some damage. [Pete starts playing chess with Cyrus]

Cyrus: Sure. Yeah. And you know, every king is going to lose a few pawns when you’re trying to win that war, right? [moving his piece] But it ain’t about what you lose, young blood. It’s actually–

Pete: [Pete uses his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: No!

[Janice is an old lady sitting on a bench far from Cyrus.]

Janice: [laughing] He whooped your ass, didn’t he?

Cyrus: No. He didn’t, Janice. Thank you very much. You see, the thing about the king, young blood, is he’s a hard brother to kill. Look, he’s back in the game.

Sasheer: Yo! I don’t think those are the rules of the game, man!

Cyrus: They the rules of the streets! Now, the king sometimes goes on the attack, right? [moving his piece] But then sometimes–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Sometimes there are two kings.

Pete: Come on, man. That’s a troll.

Cyrus: And then you know every king needs himself a castle.

[Janice walks near Cyrus]

Janice: Damn, Cyrus! That’s a bishop, fool!

Cyrus: I know that.

Janice: Oh, you do, huh? Okay, what’s this one called?

Cyrus: That’s Horse-face.

Pete: You mean the knight?

Cyrus: The knight. [to Janice] Now, go and sit your ass down somewhere, Janice.

Janice: Alright. Don’t know what you’re doing, anyway!

Cyrus: Anyway! Now, this is the castle. Now you see, your castle is your hitter, right? And if this castle sees some of them pawns coming at you. [moving his piece] He’s going to do– On, no, why did I do that?

Pete: You want a do-over on that move?

Cyrus: Hah! You just feel for that oldest trick in the book, young blood.

Janice: No, he didn’t.

Cyrus: Shut up! [to Pete] See, I got you thinking that I made a mistake. But what I’m really doing is–

Pete: [moving his piece] Check mate.

Cyrus: Yeah, yeah, but kings can jump.

Pete: What? Yo, I’m having trouble following what’s going on here.

Janice: That’s coz he’s talking a load of shit.

Cyrus: Look here, young blood, you should really learn the lessons of this exciting new game.

Sasheer: New game?

Cyrus: Because if now, man you gonna get played. [moving his piece over every pieces of Pete] Look at that. I just– I won everything. I just won everything.

Pete: Alright, old man. I guess I’ll keep that in mind.

Cyrus: Cool. $20?

Pete: Excuse me, what?

Cyrus: $20 for my time?

[Pete gives Cyrus some money]

Thank you, young blood. Thank you.

Pete: Man, let’s get out of here, guys.

[Pete and his friends walk away] [Cyrus stands and gives the money to Janice]

Cyrus: Alright, now I finally got $hundred. Can you please teach me how to play this game?

Janice: Alright, first rule is, can’t nobody jump in this game.

Cyrus: You did say that. You did say that.

Janice: I did.

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]


Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]