James Austin Johnson
Janitor… Oscar Isaac
Heidi Gardner[Starts with a group of students in the fiction workshop]
James: Abraham Lincoln smiled. She may be flawed, but she’s still my country. Anyway, see you tonight at the theater. The end.
Aidy: Wow, that was great line. Very relevant too.
James: Very much the intention. Thank you.
Aidy: Well, great stories tonight everyone. And we will be back next month. All are welcome.[Janitor walks in]
Oh, sir. I’m sorry. Will be two minutes.
Janitor: Oh my gosh, you’re not finished. Excuse me?
Aidy: Oh, well, actually, sir. I don’t think we’ve ever actually spoken but I feel like I always see you with a different book. You like reading?
Janitor: Oh, yeah. Yes, ma’am. So I’ve seen the world 10 times over because of my books.
Aidy: Oh, wow. I love that. Will you ever try any writing?
Janitor: Oh, I mean, I dabble but no. Maybe one day you all are the writers.
Aidy: Well, why don’t you read us something? I mean, whatever you got.
Janitor: I don’t know.
Aidy: Hey, no judgments here. We’re all just trying stuff out. Promise.
Melissa: Come on, man. Take a seat.
James: Yeah, love to hear it pal.
Janitor: Gosh, so nice. I’ve never read in front of people before. Well, this one’s called the “Apogee of Midnight”.
Aidy: Oh, lovely. Well, please.
Janitor: Okay, yeah. Well, there it was again, the sound of mop on tile, the start of another late night, one of 1000s like it alone in Chandler High. But the janitor liked the silence. It held them in a cool delicate calm.
Heidi: Wow, I really like that.
Janitor: Thank you. Then, footsteps. Loud and getting closer. “Hello, school’s closed.” A woman turned the corner. She looked lost. “Sorry. I’m looking for someone named Mike.” “Oh yeah? Who’s asking?” “My name is Dua Lipa. I’m a big pop star. And I’m looking for a janitor here named Mike.”
Janitor: The janitor paused. That was his name. Dua Lipa sighed. ” You haven’t heard me have you?” “Sorry, ma’am. More of a classic rock guy myself. Sure. Maybe I’ve seen a bikini pic or two. How can I help?”
Aidy: Okay, you know what? It is getting pregnant late. So I think we should probably wrap it up.
James: Bt he just got started.
Janitor: Wrap up? Why? So I can mop? Heck, I got time.
Chris: Yeah, and I want to know where it’s going.
Melissa: I doubt.
Heidi: Yeah, I think I’m good.
Janitor: Yeah, you’re right. I’m bad at this.
Aidy: No, no, we support it. So please go ahead.
Janitor: Okay, thank you. “Mind if I sit down?” Dua Lipa was exhausted. She just done a concert in Europe and were still in her sparkly show get up. He liked her. She was cool. “So what brings you out all this way to see little old me, girly?” “I don’t know. This is gonna sound crazy.” “Come on Dua Lipa. You know, you can talk to me. I’m your friend.” It’s true. They were fast friends. And nothing more, right?
Heidi: Are you asking us?
Janitor: Please, I’m still reading. “Well, I guess I wanted to ask you a favor Mike.” “Sure thing, girly. What’s up?” “Could you teach me how to make out? I’ve never done it before.”
Aidy: Okay. I’m sorry. Just no.
James: Come on.
Aidy: Look, I think it’s great that you write. I just don’t really want to hear about your weird made up thing with Dua Lipa. I’m sorry. I don’t.
Janitor: My thing? This ain’t me, mama. This is fiction. She’s a third person.
Heidi: Yeah, about a gender name Mike.
Aidy: And so what is your name?
Janitor: Michael B. Jackson. Why?
Melissa: It’s just kind of creepy, man.
Heidi: Very creepy.
Janitor: Oh, I see. I guess I’m not a writer after all. Back to the toilet it is.[Janitor stands and walks away]
Aidy: Okay, just finish it please.[Janitor walks back fast]
Janitor: Okay cool. “Sure Dua Lipa. I could teach you how to make out.” “Wait, can my friend come? Her name is Tony McDaniels.” “The famous ginger MILF?” “One and the same.” “You know her?” “Know her? I manage her subreddit, the Gaza Day Rockstar. Of course pornography hadn’t been the same since the 70s back before TJ months took over at stuffed, when the mags had vision and the spreads were actually good.”
Aidy: Sorry, I do think we need to call it there. I think I’m sorry.
Janitor: Okay, okay. Blah blah blah blah blah, stuff happened, stuff happened. Okay, fine. Dua laughed, “Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Michael B. Thanks. This truly was the Apogee of Midnight. Amen.” Chapter Two.
Heidi: Chapter two? That wasn’t the end.
Janitor: Oh honey, we got 800 pages in book one. Strap in.
Aidy: Okay. Have a great night, everyone. Get home safe, okay?[All the ladies leave. James and Chris are still there for him to finish.]