Office Breakroom

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Jason… Will Farrell

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]

Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.

Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?

Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”

Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.

Jason: What are you saying?

Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.

Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.

Jason: Oh, okay.

Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”

[everybody laughing]

Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.

Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.

Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.

Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.

Heidi: Jason, let it go.

Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.

Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.

Jason: This office is so clicky.

Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.

Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.

Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.

Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.

Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?

Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.

Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.

Jason: I’ve seen it.

Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.

Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.

Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.

Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?

Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.

Jason: I quit!

Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.

Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.

Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.

Jason: Wait, what?

Cecily: You just– you did it again.

Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.

Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.

Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.

Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?

[Jason is looking at them from behind]

Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro] [Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves] [Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody] [singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Cut for Time Jason

Jason… Harry Styles

Scotty… Kyle Mooney

Colby… Chris Redd

[Starts with a video clip of a school] [bell rings] [Cut to the students at their lockers] [Scotty is at his locker. Jason and his friends walk near him.]

Bryan: Hey, Jason. Look, it’s your lame older brother.

Jason: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. What’s up, Scotty?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Nothing. Okay?

Jason’s friend: So, Scotty, does it suck to know that your little brother is more popular that you?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I don’t care about popularity.

Bryan: Then, [Cut to everybody] I guess you don’t care about this.

[Jason’s friend pours his drink on Scotty’s head]

Jason: Take it easy, Bryan! Hey, Scotty, mom asked me to take out the trash, but we’re going to go watch that new action movie with all the girls. Will you do me solid?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Sure, Jason. Have fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Jason: Thanks! I owe you big bro.

[Jason and his friends leave] [Music stars] [Cut to the music video]

Scotty: Jason thinks he’s so damn cool,

he’s a freshman, I’m a senior at school

‘friends’, I guess he’s got quite a few

I don’t have many but it’s nothing new

because I’m unique, and I’m on my own path

I draw castles, write stories in class

to me that’s cool, I’m not causing trouble with the buddies

or kissing girls and being cute and funny

the wrestling team is also a source

but he made Varsity, I did not!

It hurt me, and I feel so alone,

and the worst thing is, Jason lives at my home.

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

J-J-Jason, you’re not that cool

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

you should go to another school

Jason thinks he’s cool because he tried beer,

but I got news for you, right here!

It’s not cool! Because you’re under age

Follow rules like me and stay safe

Now, that’s cool, so is reading for pleasure

imagining the world, now that’s a treasure,

also, I’m pretty sure mom loves you more than me…

anyway, here’s a rap by Colby

[Colby enters]

Colby: Ya’ll know me.

Scotty: Colby!

Colby: L-i-t-t-l-e brother, another boy that came from your mother

but me? I only have a dog and a kitty cat

they’re my brothers but you think about dad

Scotty: What? No! The song isn’t about animals. It’s about my little brother. And why was it so short?

Colby: Sorry man! I was really busy this week.

Scotty: Forget it! Let’s just do our flows.

Colby: Alright!

[Colby and Scotty start somersaulting]

Jason: Yo, Scotty!

[Cut to Jason walks to Scotty in the school]

I’m sorry about my friends. Do you want to come and see the movie with us? It’s supposed to be the most exposed they’ve ever had!

Scotty: No way! Don’t you get it? You and your friends are bad people. Sometimes I wish you had never been born.

Jason: Oh! Okay!

[Music starts] [Cut to the music video of Jason]

Jason: Scotty, can’t you see?

you’re the guy I wish I could be

stories and drawings and all of your books

I take it all over my good looks

the pressure to be the coolest of class

it’s not worth it and I know it won’t last

yes, I’ve had sex and it feels great

the girl’s body, butt, the shape

it’s amazing, a ride like no other

except for when you’re hanging with your brother

but back to sex, such a good feeling

call me pig-boy because you know I’ll be squealing

back to you, number 1 big bro,

I love you Scotty, just had to let you know

[Cut to the school]

Jason: So, what do you say? Movie?

Scotty: I guess my answer is…

[Cut to Scotty’s music video]

Scotty: Yes!

[Cut to the school]

Jason: Great!

[Colby joins with his cat and dog]

Colby: What about me?

Jason: Yeah, right! I’m going to go with Colby instead.

[Colby passes his dog and cat to Scotty] [Jason and Colby leave] [Even the cat Colby left pours a drink on Scotty’s head] [Bell rings]

Tasty Toaster Tarts

Melissa Villaseñor

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Jason… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with four friends walking in the house]

Melissa: I’m starving.

Heidi: Yeah, I need a snack, pronto.

Mikey: Yeah, got anything good to eat Jason?

Jason: I don’t know, let’s find out.

[Cut to Jason opens the cupboars]

Let’s see. We’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, fruit snacks.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Awesome!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Chocolate snaps, crispy cakes, nut Fudgies.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Snack-a-licious!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Pretzel Rods, Cheddar Chunkies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Any of those sound awesome.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Gummy Tummies, Chocko Rings.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s a lot of snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Corn Nuggets, cheese Balls.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Maybe too many snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: We’ve got Dingle Doodles, Candy Beans.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Your parents buy you all that?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. Fig twisties, Banana ramas.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I thought you parents were like super strict?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: They used to be. Not anymore.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Don’t they make you go to church like twice a day?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Not anymore. We’ve got lemon sours, lime sours, cereal bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Where are your parents?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: On vacation. Roasty toasties.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Without you?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. S’mores snacks, Wingo Dingoes? [Cut to Mikey looking around suspiciously] Prune Poppers, Mini Miffins, Pizza pieces, Yummy Crunchers, Razzie Tassies, Tatsy Terbies. [Cut to family photo of Jason. He has scratched out his parents’ faces.] Corn Crispies, Cocoa anybodies, Munch Mix. [Cut to Mikey sees the floor with the blood mark and a brush that cleaned it] Corn Crispies. Cocoa Anobodies. Rough and Puffies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Smells kind of weird in here, right?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No. Crunchy Cake, Nom Noms.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: It’s coming from the fridge.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No, it’s not! [Cut to Heidi looks at the fridge. Jason has taped around the fridge in a way that it can’t be opened.] Wacky tacky tangoes.

Heidi: Why is there duct tape around your fridge door, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Mango Munchers. Cherry Berry bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What’s in the fridge, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Nobody is.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What do you mean, “Nobody?’

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: What did you do to your parents?

[Cut to Jason turns around towards his friends]

Jason: Tasty Toaster Tarts.

[Cut to everybody getting excited]

Everybody: Awesome! [Everybody start celebrating]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts are the treats kids crave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Jason’s house is the best.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Got anything to drink?

[Heidi walks to the fridge to get a drink]

Jason: No!

[Cut to a clip of Tasty Toaster Tarts outro video]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts. Keeps kids happy.