Tag: Jason

Roller Coaster Accident

Tanya… Chloe Fineman

Richard… Kenan Thompson

Francine… Sarah Sherman

Jason… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with show intro]

Tanya: Welcome back to Good morning today. Later in the hour, we’ll be talking pitbulls. Who are they? What do they want from us and how are they so yoked?

Richard: But first, it’s time for America’s favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine.

Tanya: Can I just say I am so happy that Francine is back.

Richard: Yes, me too. As I’m sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight.

Tanya: But now she’s back better than ever and not the least bit face. Hi Francine.

[Cut to Francine. She has all her hair blown up and her mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Francine: Hi Richard, hi Tanya. It’s great to be back. And I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today.

Richard: Wow, Francine, you look nuts.

Tanya: Did you come here straight from the amusement park?

Francine: Sure did. Couldn’t be late to be back in the studio.

Tanya: Well, that’s great. Well, what’s on the menu today Francine.

Francine: Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we’re off to Italia. Join me, will you?For a culture adventure that will have you say, “Mama mia.” Today we’re eating buffalo mozzarella, we’re gonna be eating crostini, cacio e pepe, and of course, a glass of chianti. Salute. [when she drinks the wine, the wine pours out of her mouth as it’s open] Now, that’s good vino.

Richard: Looks like that hit the spot.

Tanya: At least some part that got in.

Francine: Mmm, this is a complex wine. Almost as many twists and turns as my roller coaster ride from hell.

Richard: What?

Tanya: I think she I think she compared the wine to all those loop de loops. You know we actually have some video of that.

[cut to a video of a roller coaster running around very fast]

Richard: Yeah. Must be hard to watch, huh Francine?

Francine: What was that? I’m having trouble hearing you over the crispy crunch of my crispy crunchy crostini.

Richard: Alright, well, thanks Francine. Now it’s time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress.

[Cut to Jason. He also has all his hair blown up and his mouth still open like air being blown to it.]

Jason: Hi, guys. Coming in, and it looks like a doozy, all right.

Tanya: Obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on a roller coaster.

Richard: I actually think we have a picture of that.

[There’s a picture of Francine and Jason on a roller coaster]

Tanya: So how’s the weather looking, Jason?

Jason: It’s not good at all. We have snow coming in from the east. Uh huh. We have snow coming in from the west. Snow from the top, yeah. And snow from the bottom. Look, I’m dizzy as hell from the roller coaster ride.

Richard: Well, wait a minute. Something sure smells good.

Tanya: Oh, what are you cooking over there, Francine?

Francine: Just some minestrone soup. Be careful, it’s hot. You got to blow on it.

Jason: Umm, that looks dilicioso. [Francine pours the soup in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.] Oh, dilicioso. Yes. It’s great. Dilicioso.

Tanya: Well, I guess you must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride.

Francine: Yes, the only thing we had to eat were the bugs that flew into our open mouths.

Jason: Bugs like bumblebees, cicadas, and one dog sized bat.

Francine: Now, that’s a spicy meatball. Would you care for some spaghetti, Jason?

Jason: Oh yes please. [Francine pouts the spaghetti in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.]

Tanya: Oh my god, you guys are so cute together.

Richard: Of course. You probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster.

Tanya: Wait, what are they doing now?

Richard: But think they’re doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh, so romantic.

Tanya: I’m sorry. Francine. Is there something under your shirt?

Francine: Oh, I lmost forgot. Say hello to my little friend. [It’s a bird that stabbed its head into Francine’s stomach]

Richard: Is that a bird kicking his little legs?

Jason: Yes, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles an hour.

Francine: The doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. Now, back to you guys.

Tanya: All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with a teenage boy who operated the roller coaster, and why he did nothing to stop it.

Andrew: Two reasons. Too dumb and too high.

Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

Science Room with Jason Sudeikis

Mr. Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

Father… Kyle Mooney

Mother… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with the show intro]

Female voice: The PBS learning afternoon. Up next, an all new science room.

[cut to Mr. Teacher standing in front of a huge periodic table]

Mr. Teacher: You know, I don’t study this table all the time. Just periodically. Hey there, future scientists. Welcome to the Science Room. I’m your host Mr. Teacher and today I’m being joined by two junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh. How are you guys doing today?

Josh: Good.

Lonnie: Bad.

[They both are acting awkward]

Mr. Teacher: Hey, don’t worry. I’m nervous too. Okie, dokie. So, today, we are learning gravity.  [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. And to do so, we are going to use this model. [Mr. Teacher picks up a solar system model. Lonnie and Josh start clapping] Yeah. Now, who knows what this is?

Lonnie: Balls.

Mr. Teacher: Um, yes, they are. But this is actually a model of our solar system. And these aren’t just balls. They’re actually planets. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] You know, I love your enthusiasm but you guys don’t have to clap after everything I say. Okay? Now, Josh, can you point the planet earth on this model? [Josh points at the sun] No, no, Josh. That’s the sun. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, don’t clap Lonnie. Stop, stop. Remmeber? Josh is wrong here. We’re not applauding anymore. Right? Let’s remember that. Lonnie, why don’t you help Josh out? Why don’t you please point to planet earth? [Lonnie holds the sun] No, did you not just see? No. Look, earth is right here. [Lonnie and Josh start clapping] No, no, no. Stop. Stop.

Lonnie: Sorry.

Mr. Teacher: No, don’t apologize. Just don’t do it anymore. Then you don’t have to apologize. You don’t do it, you don’t apologize.

Josh: Okay.

Mr. Teacher: Okay, good. Okay, now gravity is the principle that all things with mass are attracted to one another. And gravity is– [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the solar system model] Don’t mess with them. Don’t mess with them. You don’t have to mess with them. Gravity is what makes our planets– No, stop. Stop touching it. It makes our planets orbit around the sun. Knock it off, okay? Stop! They orbit around the sun because– I swear to god! Because sun is a large– Okay, you know what? Stop! How about this? Let’s do this. Let’s just name some of the planets, okay? Now this one right here, what’s this?

Lonnie: A ball.

Mr. Teacher: No, Lonnie. No. Remember they’re planets, okay? Remember? Okay? This is planet…

Lonnie: Hollywood?

Mr. Teacher: No. Josh. It’s next to the sun. It’s very hot.

Josh: Oh. Phoenix?

Mr. Teacher: No. That’s a city in Arizona.

Josh: Oh, Tempi?

Mr. Teacher: No, forget it. Okay? You know what? Let’s just move on. Are you guys okay? Like, emotionally? Everything okay? [Lonnie an Josh nod their heads] Alright. Just checking. Let’s talk about gravity’s relationship with matter. Josh, what is matter?

Josh: Nothing, I’m good.

Mr. Teacher: No, no, no. Josh. I didn’t ask what’s the matter. I asked what is matter?

Josh: Um, black lives?

Mr. Teacher: No! No, no, no.

Lonnie: All lives?

Mr. Teacher: No. Not all lives. No! Matter is any substance that takes up space.

Lonnie: Oh, like the balls?

Mr. Teacher: No! Not like the balls. They’re not balls. Okay, stop it. Just ignore the balls.

Lonnie: My sister said you should never ignore the balls.

Mr. Teacher: Don’t. Don’t.

Lonnie: My sister said the guy likes it.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. Okay? Stop. Don’t say that. Okay, alright. You know what? Let’s do this. Let’s just move on. We’re gonna do a little experiment to illustrate gravity.

Lonnie: Oh, more balls.

Josh: Yeah.

Mr. Teacher: Stop. No. Look, this is– If I let go of this metal ball right here, what will happen? It will fall…

Josh: In love?

Mr. Teacher: Go to hell. Go to hell, Josh. No. If I drop this heavy ass metal ball, it will drop…

Lonnie: It like it’s hot?

Mr. Teacher: Guys! If I let go of this thing, it will smash…

Josh: That subscribe button?

Mr. Teacher: That’s enough! [throws the ball] Who is in charge of you two? Who is in charge of these two kids? You two, come here. Get out here. Come here. Right here.

[Father and Mother walk in] Who are you?

Father: I’m Josh’s father.

Mr. Teacher: Josh’s father. Okay, well, guess what, sir? You have done a horrible job. Shame on you. You hear me? Yeah. Say you’re sorry. Say it.

Father: I’m sorry.

Mr. Teacher: Alright. Thank you. And who are you, lady?

Mother: I’m Lony’s mom, Lisa.

Mr. Teacher: Lony? I’ve been calling her Lonnie the whole damn time. Lony? You didn’t speak up for yourself? Your name is Lony? Okay, well Lisa, you failed as a mother in every way with this child. Every possible way. Now both of ya, scram! Get the hell out of here. Let’s go. Let’s go. Lisa, let’s go. Beat it. No, not in front of the camera, you jack ass. Move, dummy! Go away! I will kick your ass. Get out of here.

 

Study Buddy

Krissy… Carey Mulligan

Josh.. Kate McKinnon

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Krissy and Josh are at Krissy’s room.]

Krissy: Thanks for working on that project with me, Josh. I think our diorama of the Bush family is really good.

Josh: Me too. Well, my mother won’t be here for another three quarters of an hour. I could wait by the door or clean something.

Krissy: No, stay. Let’s just talk. Here.

Josh: At your request. Alright.

[Krissy and Josh sit on a couch.]

Krissy: Well, Josh, I just wanted to say it’s been cool having so many classes with you.

Josh: Wow. Krissy, honestly, I could say the same.

Krissy: I love that your childless aunt brought you to the Galapagos. You showed you pictures to the class for an hour.

Josh: Well, your tortoise questions were very astute.

Krissy: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad we’re hanging out.

Josh: Hanging out, you said?

Krissy: Yes. [puts her hand on Josh’s thighs] Hanging out.

Josh: Would you excuse me for a moment, Krissy? Because I am getting a phone call from doctor. [on the phone] Hi, is my best friend Jason there? Yes, I’ll hold.

Jason: Hello, Jason speaking.

Josh: Jason, you are not going to believe what’s going down. I am laying next to the hottest girl I have ever seen.

Jason: My good man.

Josh: I won’t say her name in case she can hear me, but I will give you a clue. She is Beyonce of our science class.

Jason: Roger that. Paint the picture.

Josh: Okay. So, we are currently in her bedroom on a papasan for two. And simply put, I’m afraid. What do I do?

Jason: Okay. Well, I’m glad you called me because I did have a girlfriend at a graphic design camp. So, tell me, what’s your body language?

Josh: Okay. I am sort of curled in a fetal position away from her on the phone.

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: She’s looking at me.

Jason: Wow, my friend. We’re in a bit of a pickle. Okay, we need some wow factor. Why don’t you whisper a secret? Sensually into her ear?

Josh: Very good. [Josh calls Krissy to get close and whispers to her ear.] One species of jellyfish is immortal.

Krissy: Wow. That’s so cool. Thanks for telling me.

Josh: [back to phone] Okay, somehow that went well.

Jason: Cheers. Next things next. Do you have something that you could offer her? Perhaps as a gift?

Josh: Okay. One moment. [goes through his pockets] I have a hundred napkins. My inhaler. Okay, I actually do have a pair of rhinestone earrings I was going to give to the chorus teacher.

Jason: Oh! Ah-ha! I say, move the hair and see if the ear has the hole.

Josh: Okay. [moves her hair and looks for hole] Two. We’ve got a firecracker on hour hands.

Krissy: Everything okay with your doctor?

Josh: Yes, please hold. [on the phone] Jason, what’s next?

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: Now she is looking at her gecko. Should I tell her plant life in the tank is not ideal?

Jason: Do you feel the gecko is in danger?

Josh: Not in danger but–

Jason: Well, then leave it well enough alone, my friend. There will be time for that down the road.

Josh: Good. Back to romance then I suppose.

Jason: Okay. Well, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Let your hand hover slightly over her. If she likes it, she ought to lift her hand to your’s.

Josh: Interesting. [Josh puts his hand raised over Krissy’s hand. Krissy holds his hand.] [on the phone] I have contact. She’s holding my hand.

Jason: Who is?

Josh: The girl.

Jason: Okay, so I’m out of my depth.

Josh: Jason. Jason. I need you to dig deep, please.

Jason: Okay. The time is right. Put your nose near her face and breathe.

[Josh moves close to Krissy and leans towards Krissy. Krissy looks at him and leans towards him too.]

Josh: It’s happening. Jason, she’s becoming in love with me. I can see it in her eyes.

Jason: Congratulations, old chap. Couldn’t have happened to a better man.

Josh: Jason, my life is changing. I must admit, I am afraid of losing you, Jason.

Jason: Neigh, my good man. We will always have each other.

Krissy: Can we kiss now?

Josh: Yes, we can. Jason, I will see you on the other side. [throws away the phone]

Jason: I dough doth cap!

Jason Bateman Monologue

Jason Bateman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Bateman.

[Jason Bateman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jason Bateman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It is such a joy to be here with all of you tonight. Guys, we’re almost there. The year is almost over. Who here has had it with 2020? Boy! But at least we’ve got the vaccine now, right? Who else here had the vaccine already? Just me? I thought there would be a lot of hands up. Listen, it is very, very great to be back here hosting SNL or the second time. The first time was 15 years ago, so you know I made a hell of an impression. Honestly, I was just too busy. I had not one free Saturday for 15 years but I finally freed up. I am very glad to be back here even though something kin of weird happened last time I hosted. I was in a sketch called “Monkeys throwing poop at celebrities” which naturally it had a monkey in it. Now, if the show did that sketch today, they would use a puppet or a kid in a fuzzy suit for safety. Back then, they used a real male adult chimpanzee. This was 2005. Things were loose. Things were so loose that at the end of the show at goodnights, the monkey was allowed to take a bow with us up here. We’re all hugging. We’re saying goodnight. The credits are rolling and then the monkey tried to kill me. Truly.

I bent down to say “Good job” to the monkey being nice. I’m a nice fellow. But not the chimp. The chimp unhinges his jaw. He flashes the teeth and he tries to bite my entire nose off. This is a true story. Apparently, this is a thing with chimps I guess. They hate that humans have faces and they want to remove them. I don’t know. Maybe you got a good look at this nose and thought I wasn’t going to miss half of it. I don’t know. This is not one of those fake ironic monologues story. This really happened right here. We’re going to prove it to you. We’re going to show you a clip. I think we’ve got the clip.

[Cut to the clip of the monologue from 15 years back where Jason Bateman bent down to the monkey.]

Right here. Here it comes. Right? See? So there it is. See? We’ll slow that down. Slow motion. Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like much. Right? It doesn’t look like much. But I had the horror angle. Right? This camera saw the terror. It was terrifying. However, I am smiling. I am smiling, but inside I’m thinking, “A monkey just attacked me and nobody cares.” [in the video, the cast members are just chatting with each other.]

[Cut back to Jason Bateman]

They just keep hugging. Anyway, I survive and after the show I was told by the animal handlers that Mikey the monkey wanted to apologize. Truly. My first thought was that this is a trap, he wants more, he’s still snacky. But I decided that everyone deserves a second chance. So, I went down to his dressing room. I open up the door and he’s standing there. He’s looking very ashamed of himself. Honest to god, he shuffles over to me, puts his hand up on my shoulder as if to say “I’m sorry.” It was a very, very beautiful moment. It was a connection between a man and nature that I will never, ever forget. The monkey was destroyed later that night. It was my choice. Lessons have to be learned. But I would like to think that if he was here with us tonight to see me host 15 years later, he would probably rip my nuts off.

But we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Morgan Wallen is here. The chimp is still alive. Stick around, we’re going to be right back

Office Breakroom

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Jason… Will Farrell

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[starts with office colleagues getting lunch]

Cecily: Oh, I know. It’s impossible to find any vegan food in this town.

Chris: Ah! But who wants to be vegan in the south with all that delicious fried food?

Jason: Guys, time out. I have a story about the south and it’s foods. Um, gosh. How do I start this? Um, I’ll just dive right in. So, I’m taking a road trip and we stop at a Crate and Barrel. And I tell the waitress, “Hey, I’m on a diet. Is there anything in the menu you’d suggest?” And she’s like, “Sugar pie, you’re in Crate and Barrel. Even our menus have butter all over them.”

Alex: Um, Jason, I think you mean Cracker Barrel. Not Crate and Barrel.

Jason: What are you saying?

Heidi: Yeah. I was also confused. I think you meant Cracker Barrel, the kind of country restaurant.

Chris: Yeah. Not Crate and Barrel, the fine sort of upper middle range furniture place.

Jason: Oh, okay.

Cecily: Yeah. Like, if you walk into a Crate and Barrel and ask for a biscuit, they’ll be like, “We don’t have that but we have ottomans.”

[everybody laughing]

Jason: I said, okay! I made a mistake. I walked into a restaurant. It had crates and barrels for their decor. Some shovels here and there. Some little signs saying quint little things. But predominantly, barrels and crates. So maybe we can let it go.

Cecily: Yeah. Um, oh, anyway, I saw the new Jumanji. They go into a video game.

Alex: Yeah. I liked it when it was a board game.

Jason: I’m not from the south, okay? Or from a Crate and Barrel kind of place. So, forgive me for making an honest mistake about something that clearly means a lot to all of you. I’m still figuring everything out.

Heidi: Jason, let it go.

Jason: You know what? You’re awful. All of you are awful.

Chris: Okay. Calm down, man.

Jason: This office is so clicky.

Chris: We- we have moved on, Jason.

Jason: [to Chris] You brought a nasty, nasty prostitute to the holiday party.

Chris: Jason, that was my daughter.

Jason: Oh, okay. So now, you know what it feels like to make a mix up? Now, you can feel the deep shame I felt when I mixed up the two restaurants.

Chris: Okay. One is a restaurant and one is a furniture place. And I didn’t mix anything up. Okay?

Alex: Yeah. You really gotta drop this. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Jason: Speaking of molehills, you don’t wear condoms.

Heidi: Jason, you don’t know that.

Jason: I’ve seen it.

Alex: You haven’t seen anything, man.

Jason: Okay. But now you know what I’m going through.

Heidi: Wait, what? No, you can’t compare mixing up Crate and Barrel with Crackle Barrel for him being sexually reckless.

Alex: What? Ay! It’s not reckless if everyone involved is cool with it, right?

Heidi: Um, okay. This is silly. Let’s just get back to work and forget.

Jason: I quit!

Cecily: This is your company. You’re our boss. You can’t quit.

Jason: Yes, I can. I’m quitting. And I’m taking all of my pens. All of them. And I’m leaving like an idiot. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Here I go. Dummy off to have a big southern meal at Cracker Barrel because I’m so stupid. I don’t even know that Cracker Barrel actually sells nicely designed furnishings for modern interiors.

Chris: Oh, Jason, you’re talking about Crate and Barrel.

Jason: Wait, what?

Cecily: You just– you did it again.

Jason: Really? Well, guess what. You’re never gonna find your birth parents.

Cecily: I’m not adopted. I know who my parents are.

Jason: Well, all I’ll say is that, you know, life has the sickest way of revealing to you that you’ve been wrong all along about something you were completely sure of. I won’t be back. Alright? P.S., not coming back. I’m off to find a new life without ridicule. Goodbye. And I’m taking this. [Jason carries the jar of drinking water. He’s spilling water all over the place.] I paid for the water. Geez. What a day? What a great day.

Alex: Man, what the hell is wrong with him?

[Jason is looking at them from behind]

Cecily: I don’ know. You know, I don’t even know why I’m married to him. But he’s my husband and I love him.

Match Finder

Emerald Mike Biskane… Kenan Thompson

Lisa G… Cecily Strong

Tod… Beck Bennett

Jason… Pete Davidson

Benedict…Russell Crowe

[Starts with TV channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Game Show Network. At 10, it’s White Jeopardy. But up now, it’s Match Finders.

[Cut to Match Finders intro]

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Hello and welcome to Match Finders. I am your host Emerald Mike Biskane and I’m sorry I’m late but a teenager ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. Hope you got it to the crib, son. Let’s meet our lucky bachelorette.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Hi, Emerald.

Emerald: Her name is Lisa G. She’s 23 years old, and she’s a lot of fun.

Lisa: Oh, um, I’m actually 33. Not 23.

Emerald: You’re not that fun either. But I’m trying to sell a lifestyle here. So, let’s meet our eligible bachelors.

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod is an Instagram model with a glass eye.

Tod: Oh, I didn’t know you were going to read that out loud.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Jason is an electronic specialist at Bestbuy.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’ll hook you up and then I’ll hook up with you. Damn!

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: And Benedict is a “Smart professor from Germany”.

[Cut to Benedict smoking pipe]

Benedict: I was raised in a house full of women. So as you can imagine, I know my way around a woman’s body.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa nodding their heads]

Emerald: Alright. Lisa, why don’t you ask these bachelors the first question?

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay. I’m a girl that likes to be pampered. How would you make sure that I’ve had a good time in our first date?

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: I would take you to Treasure Bay Spa for massage. And then we’d go to a late dinner at Dorsia. And if things go well, you’d also be joining me for breakfast.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Ooh, I like that. Bachelor number two?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: I’d make you dinner at home and then we could watch a movie. Although if things go well, I’m not sure we’ll do much watching.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Hmm, I like the sound of that. Bachelor number three, how would you make sure that I have a good time?

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: [with accent] First, I would massage your labia majora. And then I would mount a shuttle yet focused campaign on your clitorus.

[Cut to Emerald looking surprised]

Emerald: Hah! Well there are no wrong answers in Match Finders, but damn, that was close.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: I’m sorry. Did someone already say that one?

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: No, they sure didn’t. [looking at Lisa] Go ahead, Lisa.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelors, I love to learn new things. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut to Tod]

Tod: You wouldn’t guess by looking at me, but I’m actually a pretty good dancer. [showing little of his moves]

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: You wouldn’t get it by looking at it but the human vagina has three distinct holes. Urethra, vulva and of course, the anus hole.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: [yelling] Hey! what are you doing? This is a nice girl.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: As I said Emerald, I grew up the only boy in a house full of very old, old women.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That makes it worse.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number two, you didn’t answer the question.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yeah. I yield all my time to the gentleman with the ponytail.

[Cut to Emerald]

Emerald: Oh now, wait a minute son. You’re gonna have to be a little specific. There’s a two of us up here. Ha-ha-ha. [Emerald turns around and shows his tiny ponytail] Yeah.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Bachelor number three, what would you do to make me feel special.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Oh, so you just gonna walk right into traffic. Oh!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: First, I would lay down on beach towel on top of the sheets so that you wouldn’t feel self conscious about–

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Emerald pressing buzzer sound in his phone]

Emerald: Yeah. Had to download a buzzer app on my phone.

[Cut to Lisa]

Lisa: Okay bachelors, what would you say is your biggest fear?

[Cut to the bachelors]

Tod: A bee in my hat.

Jason: Um, ghosts.

Benedict: Getting throat cancer from conninglingus.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Lisa: Huh, I like that. Explain.

Emerald: Dont!

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: My doctor says if I munch one more box, if I scarf one more carpet, if I chew down on even just one more little doughnut, I will end up like Michael Douglas.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: Michael Douglas is fine.

[Cut to Benedict]

Benedict: No man is fine if you take way that what she loves.

[Cut to Emerald and Lisa]

Emerald: That’s it. I’m calling it. Lisa, who do you pick?

Lisa: I guess the glass with the glass eye sounds hot.

Emerald: Glass eye it is. Well, I’m your host, Emerald Mike Biskane and this has been the dating game or Match Finder or whatever.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Cut for Time Jason

Jason… Harry Styles

Scotty… Kyle Mooney

Colby… Chris Redd

[Starts with a video clip of a school]

[bell rings]

[Cut to the students at their lockers]

[Scotty is at his locker. Jason and his friends walk near him.]

Bryan: Hey, Jason. Look, it’s your lame older brother.

Jason: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. What’s up, Scotty?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Nothing. Okay?

Jason’s friend: So, Scotty, does it suck to know that your little brother is more popular that you?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I don’t care about popularity.

Bryan: Then, [Cut to everybody] I guess you don’t care about this.

[Jason’s friend pours his drink on Scotty’s head]

Jason: Take it easy, Bryan! Hey, Scotty, mom asked me to take out the trash, but we’re going to go watch that new action movie with all the girls. Will you do me solid?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Sure, Jason. Have fun.

[Cut to everybody]

Jason: Thanks! I owe you big bro.

[Jason and his friends leave]

[Music stars]

[Cut to the music video]

Scotty: Jason thinks he’s so damn cool,

he’s a freshman, I’m a senior at school

‘friends’, I guess he’s got quite a few

I don’t have many but it’s nothing new

because I’m unique, and I’m on my own path

I draw castles, write stories in class

to me that’s cool, I’m not causing trouble with the buddies

or kissing girls and being cute and funny

the wrestling team is also a source

but he made Varsity, I did not!

It hurt me, and I feel so alone,

and the worst thing is, Jason lives at my home.

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

J-J-Jason, you’re not that cool

I hate my little brother, I wish I had another

you should go to another school

Jason thinks he’s cool because he tried beer,

but I got news for you, right here!

It’s not cool! Because you’re under age

Follow rules like me and stay safe

Now, that’s cool, so is reading for pleasure

imagining the world, now that’s a treasure,

also, I’m pretty sure mom loves you more than me…

anyway, here’s a rap by Colby

[Colby enters]

Colby: Ya’ll know me.

Scotty: Colby!

Colby: L-i-t-t-l-e brother, another boy that came from your mother

but me? I only have a dog and a kitty cat

they’re my brothers but you think about dad

Scotty: What? No! The song isn’t about animals. It’s about my little brother. And why was it so short?

Colby: Sorry man! I was really busy this week.

Scotty: Forget it! Let’s just do our flows.

Colby: Alright!

[Colby and Scotty start somersaulting]

Jason: Yo, Scotty!

[Cut to Jason walks to Scotty in the school]

I’m sorry about my friends. Do you want to come and see the movie with us? It’s supposed to be the most exposed they’ve ever had!

Scotty: No way! Don’t you get it? You and your friends are bad people. Sometimes I wish you had never been born.

Jason: Oh! Okay!

[Music starts]

[Cut to the music video of Jason]

Jason: Scotty, can’t you see?

you’re the guy I wish I could be

stories and drawings and all of your books

I take it all over my good looks

the pressure to be the coolest of class

it’s not worth it and I know it won’t last

yes, I’ve had sex and it feels great

the girl’s body, butt, the shape

it’s amazing, a ride like no other

except for when you’re hanging with your brother

but back to sex, such a good feeling

call me pig-boy because you know I’ll be squealing

back to you, number 1 big bro,

I love you Scotty, just had to let you know

[Cut to the school]

Jason: So, what do you say? Movie?

Scotty: I guess my answer is…

[Cut to Scotty’s music video]

Scotty: Yes!

[Cut to the school]

Jason: Great!

[Colby joins with his cat and dog]

Colby: What about me?

Jason: Yeah, right! I’m going to go with Colby instead.

[Colby passes his dog and cat to Scotty]

[Jason and Colby leave]

[Even the cat Colby left pours a drink on Scotty’s head]

[Bell rings]

Tasty Toaster Tarts

Melissa Villaseñor

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Jason… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with four friends walking in the house]

Melissa: I’m starving.

Heidi: Yeah, I need a snack, pronto.

Mikey: Yeah, got anything good to eat Jason?

Jason: I don’t know, let’s find out.

[Cut to Jason opens the cupboars]

Let’s see. We’ve got chips, popcorn, cookies, fruit snacks.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Awesome!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Chocolate snaps, crispy cakes, nut Fudgies.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Snack-a-licious!

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Pretzel Rods, Cheddar Chunkies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Any of those sound awesome.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Gummy Tummies, Chocko Rings.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s a lot of snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Corn Nuggets, cheese Balls.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Maybe too many snacks.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: We’ve got Dingle Doodles, Candy Beans.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Your parents buy you all that?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. Fig twisties, Banana ramas.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I thought you parents were like super strict?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: They used to be. Not anymore.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Don’t they make you go to church like twice a day?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Not anymore. We’ve got lemon sours, lime sours, cereal bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Where are your parents?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: On vacation. Roasty toasties.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Without you?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Yep. S’mores snacks, Wingo Dingoes? [Cut to Mikey looking around suspiciously] Prune Poppers, Mini Miffins, Pizza pieces, Yummy Crunchers, Razzie Tassies, Tatsy Terbies. [Cut to family photo of Jason. He has scratched out his parents’ faces.] Corn Crispies, Cocoa anybodies, Munch Mix. [Cut to Mikey sees the floor with the blood mark and a brush that cleaned it] Corn Crispies. Cocoa Anobodies. Rough and Puffies.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Smells kind of weird in here, right?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No. Crunchy Cake, Nom Noms.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: It’s coming from the fridge.

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: No, it’s not! [Cut to Heidi looks at the fridge. Jason has taped around the fridge in a way that it can’t be opened.] Wacky tacky tangoes.

Heidi: Why is there duct tape around your fridge door, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Mango Munchers. Cherry Berry bars.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What’s in the fridge, Jason?

[Cut to Jason]

Jason: Nobody is.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: What do you mean, “Nobody?’

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: What did you do to your parents?

[Cut to Jason turns around towards his friends]

Jason: Tasty Toaster Tarts.

[Cut to everybody getting excited]

Everybody: Awesome! [Everybody start celebrating]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts are the treats kids crave.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Jason’s house is the best.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Got anything to drink?

[Heidi walks to the fridge to get a drink]

Jason: No!

[Cut to a clip of Tasty Toaster Tarts outro video]

Announcer: Tasty Toaster Tarts. Keeps kids happy.