Daughter/Melissa… Melissa Villaseñor
Michael… Beck Bennett
Mom… Heidi Gardner
Dad… Jason Momoa
[Starts with a decorated Christmas tree. Melissa is setting dining table for family dinner and she is talking to her boyfriend. He is going to meet her parents for the first time]
Melissa: You’re wearing your new shirt!
Michael: Yeah. Does it look okay?
Melissa: You look great, sweetie.
Michael: All right. I’m really nervous to meet your parents, you know? I don’t want to look stupid.
Melissa: Oh, they’re going to love you.
Michael: Okay. All right, [Cut to Michael and Melissa] I just really want to impress them.
Melissa: [Doorbell ringing] That’s them. [Melissa goes to open the door. Michael is preparing himself.] [Melissa opens the door]
Mom: Hey, sweetie!
Melissa: Hi, mom. [Melissa hugs her mom]
Dad: Come here. [Melissa hugs her dad]
Melissa: Hi. Mom, dad, this is Michael. [Cut to the hall and nobody is there] That’s weird. He was here just a second ago.
Dad: [Cut to dad] Well, we can’t wait to meet him.
Melissa: Michael! Honey? [Cut to everybody]
Michael: [In a child’s voice] I bet you can’t find me.
Mom: Was that him?
Dad: What did he say?
Michael: Come find me. I’m hiding. [Everybody is confused] Hee-hee-hee.
Melissa: Michael, stop it! Okay, come out here and meet my parents.
Michael: Hee-hee-hee. Where am I?
Mom: Honey, what’s going on?
Melissa: I think he’s just nervous. [Cut to everybody] He really wants to impress you.
Mom: Why would that impress us?
Dad: Does he hide a lot?
Melissa: No, he’s never done this before.
Michael: I bet you can’t find me!
Dad: [Cut to dad, he walks forward] Oh, I bet I can! [Cut to dad walks upstairs]
Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: I’m going to find this guy.
Michael: You’re very cold.
Dad: Make it fair, give us a clue.
Michael: Don’t you want to see what I look like? Hee-hee-hee.
Dad: Son of a bitch. [Dad is excited] Yes! I got to find this guy if I want to see what he looks like. [Melissa and mom follow dad]
Michael: Follow the little gay elf. Hee-hee-hee! You’re not very good at finding.
Dad: [Dad enters a room] He’s in the closet! [Dad opens the closet] Where is this turd?
Michael: Haha. You’re getting warmer.
Dad: Oh, he’s under the bed! I got you now! [Throws away the bed. Melissa and Mom are scared] Damn it.
Michael: Not there. Hee-hee-hee.
Dad: It’s coming from the walls. [Dad listens close to the walls]
Mom: [Cut to Melissa and mom] He’s not in the walls! [Dad starts punching holes in the wall]
Melissa: Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: I’m trying to find the damn guy! Gotcha! [Pulls a doll hand out of the wall. The hand has a recorder from where Michael’s voice was playing]
Michael: I guess you don’t want to see what I look like! [Dad breaks the recorder]
Dad: You know I do!
Michael: Then follow my voice. Hee-hee-hee-hee.
Dad: Oh, I got you now. [Opens a door in a room. A pie falls on the ground from the door] Fooled again!
Michael: Sound like someone’s got pie in the face.
Melissa: [Cut to Melissa]No, they don’t.
Mom: [Cut to Mom] Honey, this is insane.
Dad: [Cut to dad] You’re right, this is too hard. Give us another clue.
Michael: Hee-hee-hee. You see, I might be where you watch TV.
Dad: In the TV! Oh, crap, I gave it away! [Dad rushes down the stairs] I got him!
Michael: [Cut to the TV cupboard. Michael is behind the Cupboard stuck. He is waving his hand out to call everyone] Help me! Help! I’m stuck! What tool you so long? Help me, I’m stuck!
Melissa: [Cut to Melissa and mom] Michael, where are your clothes?
Michael: I couldn’t fit [Cut to Michael] back here with that new shirt on! [Dad pulls out Michael. Michael has grease over his body]
Melissa: [Cut to Melissa] Did you grease your body?
Michael: Just my face [Cut to Michael panicking] and my chest. I couldn’t fit back there. This whole [Cut to Michael and dad] plan is not working at all.
Melissa: [[Cut to Melissa] What’s your plan?
Michael: [Cut to Michael] To look cool in front of your parents. [Cut to Dad looking at Michael] Look at what love made me do babe. [Cut to Michael] Please to meet you, Mr. Charles, Mrs. Charles. I hope my hiding thing wasn’t too stupid and I’m sorry if I ruined your clothes with my pie trap.
Mom: [Cut to mom and Melissa] You didn’t.
Michael: Crap. Look, [Cut to Michael] you just told me how great they were and I just really wanted to impress them. I didn’t want to be a loser. I didn’t want to be [quoting with his hands] “That guy”.
Dad: [Cut to dad. Quoting with his hands] “That guy”. I love that. I say that too. [Cut to Michael. He gets happy.] [Cut to Melissa and mom. Melissa is also happy] I like you for my Melissa. A lot.
Michael: [Cut to Michael] I do too, sir. Yes, thank you, sir. Very good, sir.
Dad: [Cut to dad. He removes his glasses to see Michael] Let me see how handsome you are. [Michael flexes his body] That’s very nice. Good. [Michael turns around] There. Very handsome. Very good. I don’t know, [Michael stretches] he looks good. I like that. Very, very good. Very handsome. Very nice.
Michael: Merry Christmas everyone.