What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?

Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Weekend Update- The Devil on His Latest Accomplishments

Colin Jost

The devil… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the news these past few years has been pretty bleak. And it seems to be continuing in that direction. Here to comment is the devil.

[The Devil slides in] [cheers and applause]

The Devil: Good to see you, Colin. How are you, Michael? Yes! Alright. What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s just great to see you, Devil. We haven’t seen you in four or five years.

The Devil: Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby. Yeah. Last few years have been pretty good for the devil here.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, congratulations. What are you been working on lately?

The Devil: Oh, man. So many little side projects. Earthquakes. Got some killer storms. Instagram for kids. Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and the climate. Climate! Come on! Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been making things up here feel more like where I’m from. That’s all. You ever been to Florida? That’s not that different from hell. It’s basically pre hell. It’s people in their Colin Jost00s and the temperatures are also in their Colin Jost00s. It’s where I beta test a lot of new ideas, okay? Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup ride. Love for it. Love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It must be fun. Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

The Devil: Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also in the sports. Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in sports. I mean, you saw that the Astros won. They shouldn’t have. [smiles and points at himself] Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady still going strong, right? I actually keep his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

Colin Jost: Handsome guy, still.

The Devil: Oh, yeah. He still got it. He still got it going on. Absolutely.

Colin Jost: I appreciate you coming by to explain all this.

The Devil: Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually glad to get out of hell for a minute. Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns off. You know, I actually got to build a new– [phone ringing] Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn– It’s my phone. Sorry! Sorry! Ah! Prince Andrew. Again. Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my phone up all the time. All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re coming out of you know– I look pretty good though.

Colin Jost: Alright. I know that looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but–

The Devil: Not me. Not me. I’m a street creed.

Colin Jost: Is there anything else that you’d like to take credit for?

The Devil: Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me. I invented vaping. I’m proud of that one. Well, you know when you’re trying to read an article online and the ad at the top gets real big and takes up half the screen no matter how much you scroll and is still there? Me!

Colin Jost: That’s a great one. Great work. And I just have to ask, what about Qanon. Was that you?

The Devil: Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are crazy. A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking satan worshipping paedophiles exist. It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good name into your sick fantasy. Alright? You take that back right now. You take it back, Colin. Okay? Or else I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlett, okay?

Colin Jost: That’s not what happened.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate. Not accurate

The Devil: It is true. I don’t know who screwed her more. You or Disney. Baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: Wow.

The Devil: True.

Colin Jost: You’re pretty worked up.

The Devil: Yeah! I am. I’ve just been working a ton. I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job and sometimes I gotta relax, okay? And this year– I’m gonna blush now. I got the greatest lap dance of my life. True. That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

Colin Jost: The Devil, everyone.

The Devil: I hacked Michael Che.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Parent-Teacher Conference

Mrs. Walkerson… Ego Nwodim

Mr. Walkerson… Kyle Mooney

Teacher… Jason Sudeikis

[Mrs. Walkerson and Mr. Walkerson visit Teacher]

Mrs. Walkerson: Knock, knock.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, there.

Teacher: Oh, hey. How are you doing? You must be Mr. an Mrs. Walkerson. Right? Great. Please, take a seat. I have heard so much about you two from Skyler.

Mr. Walkerson: Really? Like what?

Teacher: Oh, I’m sorry. Not really. That’s just something I say to all the parents. I apologize for the small chairs.

Mrs. Walkerson: No, it’s alright. But I look ridiculous sitting on this thing.

Teacher: No. Stop. You look great.

Mrs. Walkerson: You know what? I’ll take it.

Teacher: Ah, well, so here’s the headline. Skyler is one cool kid.

Mr. Walkerson: Trust me, he gets that from his mom.

Mrs. Walkerson: Aww, sweetie! Well, first of all we want to thank you for teaching our son to love reading.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah, he reads every night . It’s amazing.

Teacher: Well, I mean he’s a smart kid. The reading part was easy. The math stuff however, he’s having a tougher time with. Especially, fractions.

Mr. Walkerson: Right, yeah. Now, that he got from me. [laughing]

Teacher: Wow. [to Mrs. Walkerson] I mean, you have a very infectious laugh.

Mrs. Walkerson: Thank you.

Teacher: My pleasure.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. [feeling awkward] So, fractions, right? That’s Skyler’s main problem?

Teacher: Yeah, exactly. You know what, I just think he finds math a little boring. Which I get, trust me. But he may need some additional help. Tutor perhaps.

Mr. Walkerson: I see. Yeah. We can do that.

Mrs. Walkerson: Yeah. And are you available?

Teacher: I mean… in what sense?

Mr. Walkerson: Well, you tell me…

Mrs. Walkerson: To tutor our son.

Teacher: No. I don’t see students outside school. It’s just a little rule of mine.

Mr. Walkerson: Seems smart. And how would we find a tutor?

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, do you ever break the rules?

Teacher: Yeah, sometimes. Kind of depends who’s asking.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, I’m asking.

Teacher: Okay, then.

Mr. Walkerson: I’m sorry. So, yes, you are gonna tutor Skyler? Or…

Teacher: No, no, no. Definitely not. But you know, I do have a list of tutors vetted by the school here.

Mr. Walkerson: Yeah. That’d be great. Yeah. Thank you.

Mrs. Walkerson: Hey, I don’t see your number here.
Mr. Walkerson: He’s not available. He just said that. And you’re not worried about his development or anything, right?

Teacher: No, no, no. Skyler is a total sweetheart. In fact, I’m trying to think. I don’t think I’ve had to punish the little guy once.

Mrs. Walkerson: Punish? Okay. Wow. You did not strike me as the punishing type.

Teacher: Well, you don’t know me very well. Do you, Miss thang?

Mr. Walkerson: Okay, I’m not crazy about the whole miss thang. But anyway, thanks for meeting with us. Yeah, we’ll take a look at this list. And have a great night.

Teacher: Yeah, you too. Enjoy.

[Teacher stands]

Mrs. Walkerson: Wait! Are you mad at me?

Teacher: What makes you think I’m mad at you?

Mrs. Walkerson: I don’t know. You seem mad at me. Mr. Mad.

Teacher: Trust me, if I was mad at you, you’d know.

Mr. Walkerson: Well, so, I’m not– I’m actually getting a little mad right now.

Mrs. Walkerson: Well, what are you gonna put me in time out?

Teacher: I don’t know. You deserve it?

Mrs. Walkerson: You tell me. You’re the one in charge.

Teacher: Say it again.

Mrs. Walkerson: You’re in charge.

Teacher: You’re damn right.

Mr. Walkerson: What the hell is going on here?

Teacher: [stands] I want you to walk that sweet thing over to the chalkboard here and write “I’ve been bad”, okay?

Mrs. Walkerson: Yes, sir. Right away.

Mr. Walkerson: Hey, listen pal, I don’t know if you think I’m the kind of guy who just stands by and watches this sort of thing happen with his wife, but I’m not.

Mrs. Walkerson: Should I use the little chalk or the big chalk?

Teacher: I’d say you give the big chalk a shot.

Mrs. Walkerson: Okay. I’m not used to chalk this big.

Mr. Walkerson: Good one, babe. Ha-ha-ha. I’m serious, man. That’s my wife. I’m- I’m gonna do something.

Mrs. Walkerson: I have never felt this way before.

Teacher: I know.

Mrs. Walkerson: I want you so bad.

Teacher: Then have me, my love.

[Mrs. Walkerson and Teacher start to make out on the teacher’s desk]

Mr. Walkerson: No! I’m not messing around, okay? I’ma count to three.

Teacher: Hold this. [passes Mr. Walkerson his glasses]

Mr. Walkerson: Okay. One. Two. Two and half. Two and five seven. Oh, I’m so bad at fractions.

Mellen

Mellen… Jason Sudeikis

Kyrie Irving… Chris Redd

Conor McGrregor… Alex Moffat

Louis C.K. … James Austin Johnson

Jake Paul… Pete Davidson

[Starts with clips of men watching TV at home bored]

Female voice: Post covid, men are staying home more than ever before and they need a day time talkshow that speaks to them. ABS thought bout it for 10 seconds and came up with Mellen! The male Ellen.

Mellen: I’m Mellen.

Female voice: Mellen, all the fun day time entertainer Ellen with the hard masculine edge. Mellen is no holds barred in your face entertainment. Mellen’s a man’s man. And you never know what Mellen might do next.

[Mellen pours a pot of sauce on a chef that’s guest on his show]

Mellen just won’t high-five the audience. He’ll nut tap them too. And you bette believe there’s dancing. Awkward male dancing. Instead of the cute inspiring kids that Ellen has on, Mellen has kids who slap their teachers to get famous on TikTok.

Mellen: Someone get that kid a beer. I’m Mellen.

Female voice: And just like Ellen, Mellen’s got sneak up surprises.

[Mellen is on an interview with Kyrie Irving]

Mellen: Now, Kyrie Irving, you’re still refusing to get vaccinated, correct?

Kyrie: That’s right.

Mellen: Oh, tell me more.

[a doctor is sneaking behind Kyrie Irving to give him vaccine shot in surprise]

Kyrie: See. I’m just as good as a player over zoom. You know what I mean? [he gets the shot] Ah!

Mellen: Oh-oh!

Kyrie: You got me again, Mellen.

Mellen: You just got vaxed, Mellen style.

Kyrie: [laughing] I’m mad.

Female voice: Put some protein in your daytime TV with the show critics are calling “Is this real?”, and Elle’s lawyers are calling, “Cease and desist.”

Mellen: Don’t miss segments like ‘Which crypto is popping right now’ and ‘what happens if you smoke a full cigar then try to run across a football field’. Plus, we’re cooking a wild boar meat with Joe Rogan and the guy from the Ancient Aliens who might be Joe Rogan in the wig.

Female voice: And don’t miss fun audience giveaways.

Mellen: Now, if you look under your seats, everyone in your studio audience gets a wet bath towel to whip each other with.

Female voice: A week ago, Mellen was just a fan of bar stool sports and the high volume poster on 4chan. Then he agreed to dye his hair and legally change his name to Mellen. And Mellen loves pranks too.

Mellen: Like when I sent Flyers mascots Gritty to bust into random woman’s bathroom.

[Gritty kicks the door of a bathroom. There’s a woman using the bathroom.]

Woman: What the [bleep]. Are you– [The woman beats hell out of the Gritty]

Female voice: Mellen will show you some entry level TikTok dances that even dads can follow. And Mellen welcomes heroic psychopaths like Conor McGregor and he gets them to open up the only way men can. While holding golf gloves.

Mellen: Conor, why do you think you punch random strangers?

Conor: It’s like this. People say dog fight. Use your word.

Audience: I can take you, McGregor.

Conor: Let’s do it right now.

Mellen: Oh-oh. And don’t miss our new segment on our male pattern baldness, ‘Keep it or clip it’, with Louis C.K.

Louis: I love this segment. I think it’s amazing. These dudes think they look cool and they suck.

Female voice: Hold that thought, Louis. Because Mellen is about to have a serious heart to heart with the man, the myth, the myth, Jake Paul.

Mellen: So, Jake, you wanna announce your next fight?

Jake: Actually, yeah I do. Yo, Mohammad Ali. I’m coming for you. In the ring. In the street.

Mellen: But I think he’s dead.

Jake: In the graveyard. You can’t hide from me forever, Ali. and it’s in the contract if I win, you hav to change your name back to Cashus Clay.

Mellen: Yo!

Female voice: Mellen, he’s the male Ellen. And that’s as far as we thought it through.

Mellen: I’m Mellen.

Female voice: Sponsored by Peyronies disease. Not the treatment. The actual disease. Just have fun with it.

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Declaration Pitch

Mr. Jefferson… Jason Sudeikis

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

James Austin Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of men writing declaration pitch]

Mr. Jefferson: We hold this truths to be self evident that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. How does that sound?

All: Yeah.

Mr. Jefferson: Fantastic. I must say, this declaration of independence is coming along quite nice. Any ideas for what our declaration should say next?

Mikey: Perhaps we should detail these unalienable rights.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, very good.

Alex: Absolutely. And I think we should also guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.

Mr. Jefferson: I like that.

James: Yes. As well as one’s right to pursuit of happiness.

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. And hey, what if we put like, a sick ass treasure map on this thing? Right? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: What?

Andrew: No. I’m just thinking like, how sick would it be? If we put like, a tight ass treasure map on this bitch, right?

Kyle: We’re kind of defining our nation’s values right now.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.

Andrew: Yeah, I know. And that’s great for the front. But what if on the back is just like, a boss ass treasure map? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. No, no. But I think this meeting here is more about establishing the country.

Andrew: Alright. Yes. No. Okay.

Mr. Jefferson: So, you know, the treasure map, it probably doesn’t make sense.

Andrew: Yeah. I’m okay.

Mr. Jefferson: Okay. But I really like the idea.

Andrew: No you don’t.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, I do.

Kyle: Can we please get back to work?

Mr. Jefferson: Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this declaration  also addresses our grievances towards the king.

Alex: He’s a tyrant.

Kyle: Down with the king.

Andrew: It wouldn’t be for babies.

Mr. Jefferson: What do you say? What is that?

Andrew: The treasure map. In case that’s what you don’t like about it. It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies. It would be for grown ups.

Alex: No one was thinking that.

Mr. Jefferson: No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is it’s not for babies? Well, that’s interesting. So, we could hide clues around town?

Andrew: Oh my god, that’s incredible.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah? Alright.

Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.

Mikey: Well, as long as we’re pitching on it, maybe people do teams.

Mr. Jefferson: What did you just say?

Mikey: Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then maybe they need to do it in teams.

Mr. Jefferson: I love that.

James: What if, like, every team has a strong guy and a smart guy?

Andrew: Oh my god!

Mr. Jefferson: Yes.

Alex: Yes, and what about an art guy?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. And obviously the other teams would need a gadget guy.

Andrew: Absolutely. Gadget guy.

Mikey: Always in the van.

James: Always in the van. That’s where the tech’s at.

Andrew: Yes.

Kyle: Gentlemen, please, this declaration does not need a sick ass treasure map because it already is a map. A map that leads to the greatest treasure of all, democracy.

Alex: Boo!

Mikey: No.

[Two people from future arrive]

Mr. Jefferson: Oh-oh!

Alex: Who are you?

Aidy: Well, we com from the future where the declaration has nothing on the back and people are pissed.

Aristotle: With no clues to solve, the people have resorted to violence.

Aidy: Do the right thing. You’ve been warned.

[They disappear]

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

Casino Proposal

Husband… Jason Sudeikis

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Husband and Wife sitting at the bar]

Husband: Hey, bartender, I’ll take another one. Double this time, please.

Wife: Honey, sitting here getting wasted is not going to change anything.

Husband: Well, I don’t know what else to do, Joe. We just lost everything.

Wife: Okay, but why would you go all in on pair of fours.

Husband: It’s called bluffing, babe. Are you trying to make me feel worse?

Wife: No, no. Baby. I’m just trying to understand.

Husband: Well, all you need to understand is that our savings are back to zero. Okay? So, we can forget about ever buying a new house. [Kenan walks slowly behind them] Your dad was right. I’m not a man. I’m just a little fat girl.

Wife: No, don’t say that.

Husband: No, no, no. That’s what he said.

Kenan: Rough night?

Husband: What?

Kenan: Your night. It’s rough, right?

Husband: Yeah. I’m really not in the mood to talk buddy, Thanks.

Kenan: Is that your wife?

Husband: Yeah, it’s my wife.

Kenan: She’s beautiful.

Husband: Buddy, I asked you to nicely leave us alone, okay?

Kenan: Look. I don’t want any trouble. But I’m a very, very wealthy man. And I think your wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Husband: What did you say to me?

Wife: Let’s just go back to the room.

Husband: No, no. Hang on. What do you want, man?

Kenan: One night with your wife for $2,000.

Wife: My god!

Husband: Alright, you know what? I’m about to fist fight you, dude.

Kenan: Well, how about $5 million?

[Husband and Wife look at each other]

Husband: $5 million?

Kenan: Like I said, I’m a very, very wealthy man.

Wife: [whispering] That’s a lot of money just to sleep with me.

Husband: Yeah. Plus I can probably double it playing back.

Wife: No, baby, no more gambling.

Husband: You’re right. You’re right.

Wife: It’s already more than enough money.

Husband: I know. Okay. I mean you’d have to sleep with the guy.

Wife: So?

Husband: We’re doing this?

Wife: I mean, it’s $5 million.

Kenan: How aout $10,000

Wife: $10,000?

Husband: Yeah, what happened to the 5 million?

Kenan: Oh, so we’re negotiating? Fine. Let’s meet in the middle. $20,000

Husband: How is that the middle?

Wife: Yeah, look, I’m not sleeping with you for any amount of money. So, just get away from us.

Kenan: Not even for $6 million?

Wife: Are you actually offering us $6 million?

Kenan: Even better. I’m offering you $50,000.

Husband: No, no. How is that better?

Kenan: It’s easier to carry.

Husband: Dude! I’m giving you 10 seconds.

Kenan: Deal. Sold. I only need eight.

Husband: No. I meant to get away from us.

Kenan: Fine. Fine. One last offer. One full night with your wife for Kenan million doll-hairs.

Wife: Are you saying doll hairs or dollars?

Kenan: Oh, beauty and smart. I like that. I’m going to enjoy sleeping with you more now.

Husband: No. No. This guy is crazy. Hey, bartender, can we get the check please?

Kenan: Okay, look, look. I’m a very, very wealthy man. I’ll give you $600,000 for one night with your wife. For real. Last offer. No joke.

Husband: No.

Wife: Baby, think about this. That’s still a lot of money.

Husband: I mean, we could get the house and I could actually go to college.

Wife: Yeah. And it’s only for one night.

Husband: I love you.

Wife: I love you too.

Kenan: Okay. 55,000 cash.

Wife: Why do you keep changing it?

Husband: You know what? Let me see the money.

Kenan: The money?

Husband: Yeah. 55,000 in cash. I would like to see it with my eyes.

Kenan: Well, it’s in this briefcase. [he isn’t holding anything]

Wife: What briefcase?

Husband: You’re not holding anything.

Kenan: Y’all got Vinmo?

Husband: Okay, this guy’s nuts.

Kenan: Fine. Hang on. What if she has sex with me?

Wife: That’s already what you been asking.

Husband: Bartender, check please.

Kenan: Fine, I will pay the check but you have to watch me have sex with your wife.

Husband: No.

Kenan: Okay, fine. No sex, but you pay for my check too.

Husband: No.

Kenan: Okay, fine. I’ll bet you $100 that I can sleep with your wife.

Husband: Deal.

Wife: No. No. No more gambling.

Husband: You’re right. No.

Kenan: Okay fine. Husband zillion dollars.

Annie

Annie… Melissa Villaseñor

Golly… Cecily Strong

Ricky… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the feel good orphan musical, Annie.

[Annie arrives at her new home]

Annie: Wow, wee. I can’t believe this is Mr. Warbuck’s house. It’s so much bigger than the orphanage.

Golly: Well, Mr. Warbucks is the richest man in America. But it’s not just his house anymore, Annie. Now, it’s your house too. And I may be getting ahead of myself but…

[singing] I think you’re gonna like it here

[house cleaners and helpers walk in dancing]

Annie: Golly, who are all these people?

Golly: Staff of course. They’re here to meet your every need.

Ms. May will clean up all your toys.

Ms. May: Make as big of a mess as you want.

Golly: Ms. Fink will make your bed each day.

Ms. Fink: It will be my pleasure.

Golly: Chef Pat is here to cook your meals.

Chef Pat: I’m thinking Lobster Thermidor.

Golly: And we don’t know what Ricky does.

Ricky: Ay, look. I can’t talk about it. Alright? Go someone else.

Golly: Ms. Fin will teach you how to read.

Ms. Fin: You’ll be excellent student.

Golly: Ms. Cob will teach you how to write.

Ms. Cob: You’ll be in shape in no time.

Ricky: And I’m not a creep or anything like that
Hey, welcome to the mansion. Have a tootsie roll.

Annie: I think I’m gonna like it here. Thanks, mister.

Golly: No, no, no. Don’t eat that. What are you doing?

Ricky: I don’t know. I got worried that the kid would think I’m a creep or somthing.

Golly: So you gave her candy from your pocket?

Ricky: Yeah. Look, kid, there’s a simple reason I can’t sing about what I do for Mr. Warbucks. Okay? And the reason is it’s illegal.

Annie: What’s illegal?

Ricky: Has he got money? Not much. You know. Anyway, I’ll get out of her.

Golly: Yeah, please do.

Ms. May will teach you how to swim

Annie: Ms. May?

Ms. May: I clean and swim.

Golly: Ms. Fink will comb your hair each night.

Annie: You will?

Ms. Fink: Yeah, whatever. But you know, since it came up, I would like some answers about what you do here, Ricky.

Ricky: Ah, sweetheart, let’s let sleeping dogs lie, yes?

Ms. Fink: No, no, no. We’ve been intimate with each other. For three, four last time. So talk.

Ricky: I mean, no. Come on. Let’s keep the focus on Amy.

Golly: No. Her name is Annie.

Ricky: Nobody cares, okay? Look, guys, it’s no big deal, okay? Mr. Warbucks and some of his rich friends have a little club, right? Okay? And I provide a service for that club, and in return he pays me 20,000 Gs a week.

Golly: What?

Ms. May: Good god. What the hell kind of club is this, Ricky?

Ricky: It’s nothing. Anyway, [singing] I think you’re gonna love this house.

Let the kid sing. Go on, Amy. Sing.

Annie: Used to room in a tomb, where I’d sit and freeze
look me now, holy cow–

Golly: [interrupting] Sorry, Annie, to break in. I think we’re all uncomfortable. We’d like to know more about this club and what you do for them.

Ricky: Christ! Okay, here’s how it is. Mr. Warbucks and his pals get together every month and have a ceremony where they eat a very rare, very expensive type of meat. I provide that meat.

Annie: Oh god. Are they eating–

Ricky: No, no, no. It’s not what you think, okay? It’s people. They’re already gone, okay? When I get them. Alright? And their families are paid very handsomely for their troubles.

Chef Pat: That’s what I’ve been cooking? I thought that was pork.

Annie: Pork? Yummy! I’d sure like to try that.

Golly: No, no, no.

Ricky: Amy, that’s not for you. Okay. Finish up the song. It’s a great song. I love it.

Golly: Okay. Thank you. Okay. We will.

Golly: We’ve never had a little girl.

Ricky: And neither has Warbucks and his pals, okay? He’s never eaten a kid, okay? All he’s eaten is adult meat. It’s part of a ritual.

All: We have but one request

Ricky: Don’t look in the freezer

All: I think you’re gonna like it her

[Mr. Warbucks walks in]

Mr. Warbucks: My home is your home, Annie. Are we all set for the feast, Ricky?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Mr. Warbucks: And what will we be eating?

Ricky: Your choice, sir. Italian or Greek?

Mr. Warbucks: Let’s have both. Right this way, gentlemen.

[Four adults wearing masks walk in]

Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.