CNN Election Center Cold Open

Jake… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Jake in his set]

Jake: It’s been a crazy week in politics. So, as tonight’s election results continue to roll in, let’s take a look back at past seven days. Donald Trump was endorsed by governor Chris Christie and dominated super Tuesday. Here’s what he had to say at the celebratory press conference.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Chris Christie]

Donald Trump: What a great, great night. I really am running the best campaign, aren’t I? The media is saying they haven’t seen anything like this. Not since Germany in the 1930s. I mean, everyone loves me. Racists, ugly racists, people who didn’t even know they were racists, people who’s eyes are like this, [making faces], and this guy loves me, don’t you? [talking to the audience] Wait, what’s that? Get him out! As I was saying, everyone loves me. I even got this fat piece of crap behind me now. [pointing at Chris Christie] Isn’t that right, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: I mean, he really is a sad desperate little potato back there. Aren’t you, Chris?

Chris Christie: Yes, sir. Thank you sir. Please sir. May I have another.

Donald Trump: No. Go get on a plane. Go home.

Chris Christie: Okay. You got it.

[Chris Christie leaves]

Donald Trump: Also, P.S. America, I have a great, big, huge dick.

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Alright viewers, I know this is gonna be boring, but let’s take a quick look at the democrats. Tonight is shaping up to be a big night for Bernie, but Hillary Clinton scored big on super Tuesday. Here’s a clip of her thanking supporters.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. There are many black people standing behind her.]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, hello. Hello. Thank you. I’d just like to say, thank the f-ing lord! I won seven states tonight and to celebrate, I bought myself this brand new storm trooper coat. And to everyone who voted for me, thank you for trusting that I, Hillary Clinton, can bring this country together. Just like I brought these 10 black people and one Muslim person together behind me tonight for this speech. Yes! I hear these people are great, they are strong, they’re beautiful and they’ve all been punched in the nose at the Trump rally. And speaking of Trump, he is on track to become the Republican nominee. So, to all of you voters our there who have thought for years “I hate Hillary, I can never vote for her”, to you I say, “Welcome.” Coz I’ve got clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and here you are stuck in the middle with me! Yes!

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Powerful speech. Now, let’s get back to the fun stuff, the republicans. Tonight’s election results are in and here to talk about his big win is senator Ted Cruz. Caution: We’re about to show his whole face on the screen. So viewer discretion is advised.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hello, Jake.

[Jake gets scared looking at his face]

Jake: Still got me even though I knew it was coming.

Ted Cruz: Happens to everyone.

Jake: Now, senator. Tonight you beat Trump in both Kansas and Maine which was a huge upset.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: That’s right. I beat him good. And when I beat someone, it hurts because I still wear my big ugly class ring. [showing the ring he’s wearing on his finger] Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. I’m one of those guys.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But you did still lose tonight in Kentucky and Louisiana.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: And that’s okay. I still love those states like they’re my own children. An Just like my own children, tonight those states said, “Ew, gross. I hate you.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now senator, let’s talk quickly about Thursday’s GOP debate which many called ‘Craze Balls’.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Oh, yes. The debate was so much fun. I talked policy. I laid out my plan for America. And right at the end, I ate a tiny little white booger off my lip.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Yes, that was absolutely disgusting.

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha. I know, right? [laughing]

Jake: Alright, thank you senator. [Cut to Jake] And finally joining us now, he came out strong against Donald Trump. With the unprecedented public address on Thursday, 2012 presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. Hello governor.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Jake. Hi, Jake. Thanks for having me. Now, that’s right America, I’m back. You didn’t ask for it but you got it.

[Cut to split screen of Jake and Mitt Romney]

Jake: Now governor, why have you decided to speak out against Donald Trump?

Mitt Romney: Well Jake, for the last nine months, I’ve sat down and watched Donald Trump say something every day that was either racist or sexist. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And we in the GOP, the party of the great Ronald Regan, we do not say racist and sexist things. We imply them, shuttly over decades and decades of policy. So I felt that I had to take matters into my own tanned well manicured hands and follow the advise of my favorite rapster, Macklemore. That’s right. And I chose to put Donald Trump on blast. America, he’s a fool.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Four years ago, he endorsed you for president.

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Like I said, he’s a fool. He’s a fraud. He’s a scam. He’s a what? He’s a what? He’s a flimflam man. Now, if you vote for Donald Trump, and I hate to use a curse word on television, but if you vote for him, you’re a sucker. Aw, forgive me Joseph Smith. Oh, boy.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Wow. You are pretty riled up.

Mitt Romney: Yeah. You’re gosh darn right I am. [Cut to Mitt Romney] And that’s why on last Thursday, I rolled up my $1,000 monogram sleeves, I took a couple of shots of non-alcoholic kahlua, I did 10 women’s pushups and then I went out there and I gave the most aggressive passionate well measured anti-Trump speech I could.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And you think your speech changed the minds of any Trump supporters?

Mitt Romney: I do not.

Jake: Do you think any Trump supporters even watched?

Mitt Romney: Not on purpose. No.

Jake: You think your speech hurt Trump at all?

Mitt Romney: Honestly, I would assume it probably helped him.

Jake: Alright, is there anything you would like to say directly to Donald Trump?

[Cut to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, there is. Donald, you’re duplicitous, you’re reckless and if you become the republican nominee, know this, I would make a great vice president. and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]

New Hampshire Democratic Debate Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Lindsey Davis… Ego Nwodim

David Meur… Alex Moffat

Tom Steyer… Pete Davidson

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Mike Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Male voice: From Manchester, New Hampshire, it’s the Democratic Debate.

[Cut to the Democratic Debate] [cheers and applause] [Cut to George]

George: Good evening and welcome to the Democratic Debate. I’m George Stephanopoulos. [Cut to David, Lindsey and George] And joining me for optics is Lindsey Davis and David Meur.

Lindsey: Thank you.

David: Thank you, George.

George: Okay, that’s enough. Wow, what a week it has been for American politics. Iowa was a disaster. President Trump has gotten Super Saiyan since his acquittal. And now it’s up to New Hampshire to start turning things around for the democrats. So, let’s meet our future MSNBC contributors.

[Cut to the podiums. The participants of the debate walk to the podiums.]

Billionaire Tom Steyer. Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar, senator Vermont Bernie Sanders, Former vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, former South bend Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang confused] [Cut to George]

Vice president Biden, let’s start with you. Are you at all concerned about your poor performance in Iowa?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: You know? I’ll be honest. Losing Iowa was a real kick in the nuts. Alright? But I am not worried at all because, you know, by the time we get to south Cackalacky, Joe Biden’s gonna do what Joe Biden does best. Creep up from behind! Just when you think your lead is safe, my numbers are gonna sneak up and surprise you with a nice sweet kiss on the neck.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, mayor Pete, you initially claimed victory in Iowa and then senator Sanders claimed victory a few days later leading to some major in fighting. Who do you think really won?

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Um, Donald Trump.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, I mean out of the democrats.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh! Oh! Then, I guess me.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I still can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa. [cheers and applause] I can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa because of an app. Hey, I have an idea for an app. It’s call ‘No Apps’. No apps, no computers, no gadgets no gizmos. You show up to your polling place, take a number like you do with the butcher, they call you ticket, you walk up to the counter and say to the guy, “Give me your pound or whatever’s about to go bad.”

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Oh, the issue in Iowa was math! Oh, I wonder who they could have called to help them out with that? [showing his pin on his coat that says ‘MATH’] Oh, what? I mean, because of my pin racist!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: I don’t wanna talk about Iowa anymore. Let’s talk about the hearing now. Alright? I am very confident about my chances in New Hampshire. I tend to really connect with New England moms who own big dogs, baca fleece vests, Joe Biden days out of week. Look, New Hampshire, your state border might be kissing Vermont, but you ass is resting on Massachusetts. So, come on over and fill up the gap.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar] [cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: I just wanna add that senator Warren is not the only sensible candidate standing here before you. You are looking at the other half of New York times endorsement. But guess what? Elizabeth is J-Lo and I am Shakira. And so, to Donald Trump I say, [making funny teasing noise] .

[Cut to Tom Steyer with his right hand raised]

Tom Steyer: I have my hand up now. I would like to talk please. Notice me? Thank you.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay, go ahead.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Um, I just want to say that I love everybody here. I mean, I agree with all of them. You know, everybody. All of you. I’m sorry, I’m tripping balls right now.

[Cut to George]

George: Alright. Let’s take a quick word from our sponsor tonight. [advertising] Bloomberg. [Mike Bloomberg’s picture appears at the bottom of the screen. And there’s a written ‘mike BLOOMBERG 2020.] Are you a registered democrat thinking, “These can’t be my only choices, then try Bloomberg. He is not as short as Trump is fat.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m not an out of touch billionaire like Bloomberg. Sure, I’ve been taking a private jet to campaign events. But I do that for my fellow passengers. Believe me. You don’t want to sit next to me on a plane. I’m a middle seat guy and get up to use the bathroom minimum six times between Des Moines and Manchester. I bring leftovers from home that stink up the plane. And if you think I’m loud when I talk, you should hear me chew.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna out-poor me, alright? My campaign is broke as hell. My biggest contributions are the pennies from loafers and whatever the concerned moms of Bernie bros can afford.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Okay. This is my favorite part of the debate where we ask about winning the black vote. I’m gonna start with you, mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh, man! Look, people say I’m not very popular among minorities. They’ve been referring to me as mayo Pete. But I assure you I am not that spicy.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey! Hey! Um, look, speaking of the black vote, that reminds me of a little underdog story. And, spoiler alert, it’s a long one. Alright? The year was nineteen hundred rata-tat-tat, okay? And I am straighting through the rough part of Wilmington DE when suddenly, I come across four gentlemen from the isle of Jamaica. Now I’m talking these fellas are dark as night, okay? Before they can make their first move though, I toss them, all four of them right into a cardboard box and I roll them down the hill. And that is how I gave Jamaica it’s first bobsledding.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Alright, people! It’s simple. If you want black people to like you, give them $1,000. It’s been working for me since high school.

[Cut to Tom Steyer. His right hand is raised.]

Tom Steyer: Hey, my hand’s up again. Um, I’m just gonna come out and say it, I am 100% for reparations.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Alright, but in what way?

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I don’t know. But that guy’s with me.

[Cut to the audience focusing on Kenan. He doesn’t know what Tom Steyer is talking about.] [Cut to George]

George: Alright, let’s hear your closing statements. Senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Um, why am I not doing better? I am the most reasonable person on stage. Instead of tearing democrats down, I get along with everyone up here. Um, baby knot, chompers, slender man. And I know you’re probably surprised to see me on this stage still. But I am Amy Klobuchar, I am here. I am square. Get used to it!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, listen. Bottom line, I know a lot of people like me but they’re worried about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that. Elect me. It’s that simple. You can trust this face. This is me on LinkedIn, Facebook, IG and michaelscraftstore.com.

[Cut to George]

George: Senator Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Okay. I don’t know how or why it happened. But I am the king of an army of internet trolls called Bernie Bros. Could I stop them in their tracks? Of course. Should I? Yes. Will I? Nay! Hillary Clinton says nobody likes me. Let me ask you this. The how come I’m the most popular guy Fortune?

[Cut to George]

George: Mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Look, I know corruption is a problem in this country. I know big business controls too much of Washington. I know democrats don’t want another candidate with massive corporate donors. And I know that I sound like a bot that has studied human behavior by watching 100 hours of Obama speeches. So, let’s get #WhiteObama trending. And please, please, not ironically. Thank you.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Look, I tried to tell you guys the robots are coming, Yang gang 2020! Let’s get this shmoney!

[Cut to George]

George: Mr. Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: You know, I didn’t come here to make friends. But dammit, I made some great ones. [sobbing] It’s been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay. Mr. Biden, you have 60 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: What? No, the doctors said I had six to eight months.

[Cut to George]

George: No! I meant for your closing statement.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Oh! Okay. Alright, alright. Well, then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.

[Everybody comes in]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!