Weekend Update Jay Pharoah about Secret Rappers’ Meeting

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Beyonce made an album called ‘Lemonade’, which highlights Jay-Z’s infidelities. It’s rumored that Jay-Z sought out marital device at a secret rappers meeting. Here to talk more about it is our own Jay Farrow.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Wad up, Che?

Michael Che: So Jay, there’s a secret rappers meeting?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, yeah. We meet up every three months in P Diddy’s above ground submarine.

Michael Che: Well, tell us what happened.

Jay Pharoah: Alright. Okay. So first Jay Z got right into to tell his side of the story. And he was like, [mimicking Jay-Z] “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. So definitely, you probably heard me and Beyonce are like beefing, right? Yo, I’m trying to sleep in and blues wine cellar. [laughing] What you want me to do? I’m sorry.” And then 50 cent  started laughing. He was like, [mimicking 50 cent] “Ha-ha-ha-ha, a little something. Hey Jay, maybe you need to apologize just a little bit. Trust me, I’m Google. Women. I’ve got Vivica Fox eat my butt. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Michael Che: [laughing] 50 cent did that?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, man. and then TI says, [mimicking TI] “Ay-ay-ay-ay, now hold on partner.  Your Queen B has got to understand the impediment, hindrance and the obstacles of these pop tech in us circumstance.”

[mimicking DMX] “Yo! I don’t even know what TI said, you know? If it was a brother like me, somebody gotta ask your girl- what you really want from a –”

And Lil’ Wayne was like, [mimicking Lil’ Wayne] “It’s ways F baby, Beyonce is a bitch, and you need to patch it. I have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!”

Colin Jost: Hey, were there any rappers I like? Like, you know, Will Smith?

Jay Pharoah: Yup! [mimicking Will Smith] Damn! That’s crazy. Insane! [clears throat] Check it out Miami. Wo-hoo!”

Colin Jost: Yup. I got mine. Son of a gun.

Michael Che: You fool. Were there any women there?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, man. Yeah. Nicki Minaj was there. She was like, [mimicking Nicki Minaj] “Oh my God. Like, you know, Meek would never cheat on me. If he does, [yelling] THEN I’LL KILL HIM!”

And then Drake was like, [mimicking Drake] “I mean like, Oh yeah. I mean. Yeah, I need a one dance. I mean like, can we all just get along and just like, relax and all that. You know?”

[Drake slides in]

Drake: Hold on. Wait. First of all, I don’t sound like that. So just relax.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Yeah, bro. You do sound like that.

Drake: No, I don’t sound like that. You can’t even do my voice.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. I can just do your voice.

Drake: You can’t do it.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] I’m doing it right now.

Drake: You don’t sound like me.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. Say, “Oh, yeah.”

Drake: Oh, yeah.

[they sound the same] [Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: Jay Pharoah and Drake, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Donald Trump’s Vice President Cold Open

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ivanka Trump… Vanessa

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Donald Trump speaking on the phone in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: No, it’s true. I’m telling you. Mr. Trump is the real life inspiration for Ironman. Who am I? I’m his publicist, Joey Pepperoni. No, I’m not Donald Trump in disguise. This is just what classing people sound like. Okay.

[Ivanka Trump walks in]

Ivanka: Dad, Chris Christie is here. He sort of wants to discuss potential vice-presidents. Uh, he’s sort of been waiting downstairs for two hours.

Donald Trump: Fine. Send him in.

[Chris Christie walks in]

Chris Christie: Hey, is that Joey pepperoni I see? Seriously though. Donald, I’m honored that you asked me to help you find your next VP.

Donald Trump: I appreciate your help. I really do. I need someone experienced, loyal, strong.

Chris Christie: Yeah. That sounds like somebody I know. It sounds like Chris Christie. Wait, who said that? Did you hear that? Why did that come from?

Donald Trump: Whatever? What have you got for me?

Chris Christie: Uh, well I thought one strong option could be a Jeb Bush.

[Donald Trump and Chris Christie laughing hard]

Okay, but seriously, what about Carly Fiorina?

Donald Trump: I do feel a kinship with Carly. She’s also an outsider who ran a very unsuccessful business.

Chris Christie: She can help you with your woman problem too. I mean, women look up to her.

Donald Trump: For what? She’s a big cup, tops.

Chris Christie: [laughing] That is very good. I wish I could work for someone as funny as you have some day. [giggling] Okay. Moving on. How about a guy from a swing state, Florida? He’s a half Hispanic with a proven track record of standing up for himself.

Donald Trump: George Zimmerman.

Chris Christie: No, no, no, no, no, no. Marco Rubio.

Donald Trump: Oh, little Martha. I can’t ask him to be VP until his parents signed the release form. I need someone who can lead. Where do I find that?

Chris Christie: It beats me. [showing his own photo] Oh my God. How did this get in here? Now, that is crazy. Look at that. Maybe. Yes, maybe. No, maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now this next one, it’s a little outside the box, but I feel very strongly about it. Hear me out. Bruce Springsteen. I mean, come on! He’s the boss. You’re the boss. He was born to run.

Donald Trump: He is a Democrat.

Chris Christie: [yelling He is a god. I’m sorry. Do you have any idea, sir?

Donald Trump: What about John Kasich? He’s smart, experienced. He can help us in Ohio.

Chris Christie: He said he’s not interested.

Donald Trump: He’s a loser. Big fat loser. What about Nikki Haley?

Chris Christie: Also interested.

Donald Trump: Ted Cruz?

Chris Christie: Hard no.

Donald Trump: Paul Ryan?

Chris Christie: He said, not right now, but he will see you in hell.

Donald Trump: Lindsey Graham.

Chris Christie: He said he would love to, but then he laughed so hard that I had to walk away.

Donald Trump: It doesn’t make any sense. Why doesn’t anyone want to be my VP?

Chris Christie: If I may be so bold, sir? I think anyone who didn’t want to be your VP would be a damn fool. [music playing] You are such a special candidate. Maybe, just maybe, the person you’ve been looking for this whole time standing in this room right now.

Donald Trump: You are so right. Ben Carson, you want to be vice president?

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Oh, that would be hell exciting.

Donald Trump: Great. Let’s do it.

All: And live from New York it’s Saturday Night.

[The End]

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.

Black Jeopardy Drake

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Kaylee… Sasheer Zamata

Jared… Drake

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell in his set]

Darnell: What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that shares a studio with Tavin Smiley. I’m your host, Darnell Hayes. And our contestants  today are Amir…

[Cut to Amir.]

Amir: What up, bro, bro?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Kaylee…

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Hi.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Jared…

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Yeah, it’s actually really good to be her dog. You know, like I couldn’t take the TTC. What man’s made it over anyway, so I’m excited dog.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: What’s going on with your accent there, Jared?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh me? Well, I’m actually Canadian. I’m a Canadian. I’m from Toronto. But I’m ready. I came, I came to play. So let’s do this. All right.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Wait, you’re a black Canadian?

Jared: Obviously, dog. I mean like, yo, there’s thousands of us. I’m sure you’ve met a few of us before.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: [laughing] Nope. Never met one. Well, good luck to you. All right, let’s check out categories. We got [Cut to game screen] “If it’s Sunday”, “Oh, snap!”, “Bye Felicia!”, “Bruh…”, “In my house”, and as always, “White people”. Alright Amir, you’re all returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay. Let’s do “If it’s Sunday” for 200.

Darnell: All right. “If it’s Sunday, uncle Trey is going to be wearing this.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: What is this? A knee length easter suit

Darnell: Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. Long as hell. Long as hell, with a whole mess of buttons. Alright. Your pick, Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for 200.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap! Is that your hair?”

[buzzers sound]

Kaylee?

Kaylee: What is, “It’s mine cause I bought it!”

Darnell: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Show them the receipt, you know. Alright. The board is yours, Keely.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Okay, let’s stay with, “Oh snap!” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. I want to see his face when she finds him.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: Oh, who is Jay Z?

Darnell: Yeah. Right. I guess he got a hundred problems now. You pick, Amir.

Amir: Okay. [Cut to Amir] Cool, cool, cool. Let’s say with “Oh snap!” for 600.

Darnell: Okay. “Oh snap! This comedian was crazy in the 80s with his raw and delirious routines.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh, he’s hilarious. Dog. Who is Rick Maraniss?

Darnell: No! But, that’s a good try, Jared. Why don’t you try picking another category?

Jared: Alright the. Let’s go to “Bro” for 200.

Darnell: It’s “Bruh”. All right. The answer. “Bruh… He thought the best way to get that fame was to be a woman.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: Who is Caitlin Jenner?

Darnell: No. Have some respect for choice.

[buzzer sound]

Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Who is Tyler Perry?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: That’s it. I mean he did like eight movies in a house coat. Alright, the board is your’s, Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Let’s stay with “Bruh…” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Bruh… He’s been playing for a while now, but he’s still putting up big numbers.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: This is easy. Who’s my man? Jaromir Yawger yo!

[Cut to Darnell]

You say Yama say what now?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, dog! He’s a hockey player. The man won the Art Ross trophy four years in a row, fam.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: J-J-Jared! I don’t know you speaking English, but it ain’t my English. The actual answer was dirt. The biscuit.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, Darnell. Black people live all over the world. Gee. You can’t just put us all into one category like…

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Hey, maybe. So Jared, I’m going to go ahead and let you tell that to our American police. Let’s just hear about today. Francis Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy video bumper]

Male Voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive a month supply of topFoil. Your tupperware bowls don’t have lids? Put some top topfoil on. Stays secure for up to one day. And Oven Heat. Don’t drive up your electric bill. Use oven heat! The easy way to heat your home. Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah. Yeah. Use that oven heat. Alright, Jared. The board is still your’s.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh! Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for eight.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. His new album just dropped and it’s fire.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: I got this. Who is OFA?

Darnell: Excuse me?

Jared:  Come on, fam! He’s a rapper. He was nominated for a Juno award, G.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: You know it’s like it landed here on earth from a spaceship. No, good rap comes from Canada. Okay? What about Drake? Dog! Who are these people you keep mentioning? Jared, I think Canada is messing up with your blackness.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Why do I have to be your definition of black? Huh? You’re judging me before you even know? It’s making me so angry inside dog!

[right answer bell ringing]

Darnell: You just said the secret black phrase of the day, Jared! You win the game. Alright. [music playing] Oh! Well the sound of slow jam means it’s time to wrap it up. Tune in next week where we give away two tickets to the Sister-Sister reunion show.

[The End]

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad] [space ship landing sound] [Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]

Tidal Music Streaming

Kenan Thompson

Tyler… Bobby Moynihan

Nicholson… Jay Pharoah

Riley… Sasheer Zamata

Chloe… Ariana Grande

[Starts with Tidal Streaming Music Headquarters]

Kenan: Alright. It’s time for the three PM tidal system’s check. Drake’s stream.

Tyler: Running smooth sir.

Kenan: Coldplay

Nicholson: No lag time, full bit-rate sir.

Kenan: Billy Joel

Riley: No fire started over here, sir.

Kenan: Swinging to miss, Danielson.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Here’s your coffee, sir.

Kenan: Oh, thank you, Chloe. Well, it looks like it’s another incident free day here at Tidal Music Streaming.

[The lights go off]

What the hell was that?

Tyler: Looks like the power’s out, sir.

Riley: Backup generators, up and running.

Kenan: Alright, let’s do systems check. One Direction?

Tyler: All good, sir.

Kenan: Kendrick Lamar?

Nicholson: Coming throughout and clear.

Kenan: Britney Spears?

Riley: Looks like we’re gonna lose Britney Spears stream in thirty seconds.

Kenan: We already beefed the Kanye and Rihanna album releases! Tyler, we cannot afford another glitch. What do we do?

Tyler: Sir, I heard Chloe the intern singing some Britney Spears in the hallway. Is that true, Chloe? Can you sing like Britney Spears?

[Chloe looking nervous]

Chloe: Kind of.

Kenan: Riley, open the channel. Chloe, the future of Tidal is in your hands.

Chloe: But I’m shy.

Kenan: Well, try, dammit! People need their Britney Spears.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know
That something wasn’t right here?
Oh baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you go
And now you’re out of sight, yeah
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Britney Spears is up and running.

Kenan: That was close. Well done, Chloe.

Tyler: Oh, no sir. We are about to lose the Shakira stream.

Nicholson: Perfect! Chloe’s Hispanic.

Chloe: That’s a common mistake. I’m actually just very, very Italian.

Kenan: Well, can you do Shakira?

Chloe: I can try.

[music playing] [singing] Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Lo-le-lo-le-lo-le
Can’t you see
I’m at your feet
Whenever, wherever
We’re meant to be together
I’ll be there and you’ll be near
And that’s the deal my dear

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Shakira is online and streaming.

Kenan: Job well done. Job well done. You need some water?

Nicholson: Old time, sir. Ariana Grande channel is down.

Kenan: Chloe. Can you do Ariana Grande?

Chloe: Nay, sorry, not a big fan.

Tyler: Oh, forget it sir. Because we just lost a big one. Rihanna’s down.

Kenan: Chloe, please, Tidal needs Rihanna.

[music playing] [singing] Work, work, work, work, work, work
He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work
He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt
So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work

[beep beep]

Tyler: Back on. The Rihanna stream is re-buffered and good to go.

Kenan: Was that okay? I truly don’t know what she’s saying.

Kenan: Ay, nobody does.

Riley: I got bad news, boss. The 90s Diva’s playlist is glitching.

Kenan: Can you handle it Chloe? I mean that’s a lot of women.

Chloe: There’s only one way to find out.

Riley: We just lost Celine Dion

[music playing] Kenan: [singing] There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed if I just listened to it
Right outside the window

[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. Celine Dion is at onehundre%. But now we’re losing Whitney Houston.

Kenan: Oh, come on. Take a song.

[music playing]

Chloe: [singing] And I wish you joy
And happiness
But above all this
I wish you love
And I…
Will always love you
I…
Will always love you
[beep beep]

Riley: Back on. The power’s fully restored.

Tyler: All streams are up and running.

Kenan: Ah! You did it Chloe. Jay Z would be proud.

Nicholson: Yeah! You bet I am. [Nicholson wears his hat] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Nicholson, you was Jay-Z this whole time?

Nicholson: Ts-yeah. You know, I wanted to see how my company was doing out of that boss style, you know? Yo Chloe, you single handedly just saved Tidal. You said you were just an intern?

Chloe: Yes.

Nicholson: Yeah, that’s great. Can you get me a vince cappuccino?

Tyler: Yeah, I’ll take a Grande.

[everybody starts demanding coffee so Chloe runs away]

Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Jennifer Lawrence… Ariana Grande

Tilds Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Javier Bardem… Beck Bennett

Idris Elba… Jay Pharoah

Quentin Tarantino… Taran Killam

Martin Scorsese… Jon Rudnitsky

Woody Allen… Kyle Mooney

Kevin Smith… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud celebrity edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks to the stage]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, okay. Okay now, welcome to celebrity Family Feud. This is one of our four different day time shows at I host. Every one of them is playing right now in that little TV that you can watch while you’re pumping your gas. Alright, today we got great actors versus great directors. Okay, on the actors side talks like a man but PH balance for a woman is Jennifer Lawrence.

[Cut to Jennifer Lawrence]

Jennifer Lawrence: They told me not to do game show but I was like, “Screw it. I can have fun. I’m a regular person.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you say you’re a regular person more than any regular person I know. Alright next, she’s one of the top actresses in all of outer space, Tilds Swinton.

[Cut to Tilds Swinton]

Tilds Swinton: I want a Mafter, that’s a bafter they give on moon.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, whatever you say David boy. Alright, next from no country for old men, say hello to Javier Bardem.

[Cut to Javier Bardem]

Javier Bardem: It is a wonderful thing to play this game. I am very aroused by competiton.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh. Oh, you spicy little pot of pie, ain’t you? Okay, and finally, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of this person. But he was in a movie called ‘Beast of no nation’. Let me try to pronounce this right. Mellis Dellis.

[Cut to Idris Elba]

Idris Elba: Um, actually the name is Idris Elba mite. You know, I’ve been around.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, it’s all clicks and buzzes, player. Let’s go to the directors side. He’s a maniac who has made some of my favorite movies, Quentin Tarantino.

[Cut to Quentin Tarantino]

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, hey, thanks Steve. Yeah. You know, this is good. It’s sort of like spaghetti western, right? But there’s surprises at the end.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, take it down player. For us, it’s 10 in the morning, but for you it’s day three. Okay, next we got the director of Raging Bull and Goodfellas, Martin Scorsese.

[Cut to Martin Scorsese]

Martin Scorsese: Great to be here, Steve. Really, really great. Love the suit. Classic styling. I love it. I love it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I’m a big fan of your work. I loved you as the grandfather in Up. Next, you know him from Hannah and her sisters, and that whole thing where he went on head to merit his daughter. Woody Allen.

[Cut to Woody Allen]

Woody Allen: Thank you Steve. And while I appreciate your comprehensive introduction, what’s past is past. Both parties– Let’s move on.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Whatever you say Big Love. And finally, from Jay and Silent Bob, it’s Kevin Smith.

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Hello folks, it’s the fat man on Batman. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Podcast? Are you high right now?

[Cut to Kevin Smith]

Kevin Smith: Oh, hell yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, well, okay then player. I’ll meet you at the parking lot after the show. Well, give me two players. Let’s play the feud.

[Steve Harvey walks to the game stage and Jennifer Lawrence and Quentin Tarantino follow him]

How are you all feeling?

Jennifer Lawrence: Pretty good, man.

Quentin Tarantino: Yeah, really great. Really great. I think great man!

Steve Harvey: You know, you two look like you should switch voices. Alright, 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a bad habit that you just can’t quit.

[Jennifer Lawrence presses the buzzer]

Jennifer.

Jennifer Lawrence: I’m just like it’s an alcoholic. I mean, I love Pringles. If no one’s looking, I’ll eat like, a whole can. Like, everyday is my cheat day. You know what I mean?

Steve Harvey: Oh, how annoyingly relate-able. Show me another pretty girl says she likes to eat.

[The game board shows ‘Snacks’] [right answer bell]

Oh, number one, it’s up there. Alright, let’s go to the actors side. Okay, Tilds Swinton, what’s a bad habit you just can’t quit?

Tilds Swinton: Feasting on the blood of innocent. I’m kidding. Cookies.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a curious little woodpecker. Show me, vampires got to feed.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh! Not there. Javier Bardem, bad habit you just can’t quit.

Javier Bardem: Ha-ha-ha. This one is very obvious, you know? Beautiful women.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you a hopeless romantic, huh?

Javier Bardem: Yeah.

Steve Harvey: Show me, gotta get that ass!

[wrong answer buzzer]

I’m sorry player. Let’s go over to black Jason Statham, a bad habit you just can’t quit.

Idris Elba: I don’t know, mite. You know, gotta stop running around the pubs, you know? Caught down a bit. That’s shit, blood. You know?

Steve Harvey: Might as well be under water. Show me something that might be England.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Alright, the directors with the chance to steal. A bad habit you just can’t quit.

Kevin Smith: Podcast!

[the directors are saying their answer cross-talking]

Steve Harvey: Okay, all good answers. But Quentin Tarantino, it’s up to you.

Quentin Tarantino: Well, there’s so many possibilities here, right Steve? I mean, but the thing is you can’t look at the possibilities man. You have to look at your own unique reality. So, for me, that’s like trying for perfection every time, man! do you get that Steve? Do you get what I’m saying?

Steve Harvey: Oh, I hear you player. Yeah I know what you’re exactly trying to say. Show me cocaine.

[The game board shows ‘Drugs’] [right answer bell]

Oh! Well, I guess drugs are the answer. The directors win like always. We’re gonna take a break. When we come back, I’ll give you a sneak preview of my new show that I’m hosting where kids fight each other on the stage. We’ll see y’all in a minute.

Carson Endorsement Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016] [Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.

Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.

Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.

Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.

Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.

[Ben Carson walks away] [Cut to Jake]

Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.

Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]

Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.

Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.

Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.

Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.

Donald Trump: The list goes on.

Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.

Donald Trump: The list ends.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]

Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.

Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: How did you change so fast?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!