Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Meet and Match

Brad… Beck Bennett

Beth… Kate McKinnon

Barbara… Julia Louis-Drefus

Trevor… Taran Killam

Max… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rusnitsky

[Starts with people enjoying in Meet N’ Match pub]

Brad: Okay singles, looks like we got a lot of love connections tonight. Which is what match.com, Meet N’ Match is all about. We’re winding down soon so if you need any last drink tickets, come see me, your man Brad at the host table. Now, let me hear you make some noise.

[Everybody cheering for Brad] [space ship landing sound] [Beth and Barbara enter the pub. They’re wearing long dresses, have long hair and both their eyes are completely black. And their voices are of male.]

Beth: Hello, we are two females from this planet.

Barbara: We must find men for dating.

Beth: I am concerned. We do not look like the human women here.

Barbara: Yes, but we must succeed in dating males. That must be your focus.

Brad: I see we’ve got some singles joining us. Get up here ladies and introduce yourselves. Sorry, them’s the rules. Oh, my god! Your eyes! Dude!

Beth: Hello, I am one Beth.

Barbara: And I am the Barbara.

Brad: Um, what are you two looking for tonight?

Barbara: Adult males for dating to produce a child.

Beth: Our kind is dying. A child can restart the world engine.

Barbara: Our twin stars are dimming. Our kind is dying. We need to produce a child now.

Beth: If a child cannot undim the bistars, our world will invert into it’s mantle.

Brad: Ay…. super weird. But we need all the girls we can get. So ladies, have fun tonight.

[Beth and Barbara walk towards Trevor and Max]

Beth: Hello, we are flirting. Now we must date.

Trevor: Woah, you move fast. Ha-ha. I’m Trevor.

Max: I’m Max and your eyes are crazy, but that’s kind of hot.

Barbara: We must date now. Our kind is dying.

[Cecily and Vanessa comes in to approach Trevor and Max

Cecily: Hey guys, um, this thing’s almost done. You guys down for an after party?

Beth: No, go! These men belong to us.

Vanessa: Um, you can’t call dibs on guys.

[Beth and Barbara start making noise and Vanessa is possessed by them and her nose is bleeding.]

Cecily: Oh my god, Paige, your nose is bleeding. Paige!

Vanessa: Who is Paige? Where am I?

[pulling her friend away]

Cecily: We’re gonna sue you!

Trevor: Whoa, damn! You girls are intense.

Max: Ay, you wanna get a drink or what?

Barbara: No, there is not time. Come with us.

[Beth and Barbara pull Trevor and Max with them]

Beth: We will date in here. Our kind is dying.

[They go through the door]

Brad: Alright, FYI, there’s a large glowing crater out front so if you go outside to smoke, watch your stepperini! Ha-ha.

[Beth and Barbara come out of the door. Trevor and Max are turned into skeletons that are behind the door.]

Beth: That did not go well. They were too weak for the act.

Barbara: The act of dating turned them into bones.

Beth: Next time, we must not destroy the male.

Barbara: Yes, we learned our lesson

[two guys approach Beth and Barbara]

Jay: Ay, so we’ve been watching you two and y’all are freak.

Jon: We like that. Can we please buy you a drink?

Beth: Yes. And then give us the child.

Jay: Yeah, we can do that.

Brad: Alright, hey Matchers, if anyone knows about the two warm skeletons in the men’s restroom, please tolerate management. In the meantime, don’t be single. Mingle! Ha-ha-ha.

[The End]