NFL intros

Jim Nantz… Beck Bennett

Phil Simms… Taran Killam

Derrick Watkins, Terrence White, Devin Peters, Kendrick Douglas… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Jeffries, Bart Doleman… Bobby Moynihan

Terry Pope, Lavar Washington, Jacob Reynolds, Abaskuul Sulemon… Jay Pharoah

Victor Naples, Jeffrey Wilkins, Donald Washburn, Barry Jenkins… Chris Pratt

Calvin Williams, Greg Watkins… Kyle Mooney

Marvin Ingram… Michael Che

Willie Sampson, Wendell Jones… Pete Davidson

Tim Stevens… Colin Jost

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas… Leslie Jones

[Starts with NFL intro] [Cut to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. They are the show reporters.]

Jim Nantz: Hello and welcome to the NFL on CBS. I’m Jim Nantz and with me in the booth is Phil Simms.

Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim.

Jim Nantz: Obviously, NFL is under tremendous scrutiny right now, with the series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.

Phil Simms: But they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.

Jim Nantz: Accountability. That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet Baltimore Raven’s offense.

[Cut to Derrick Watkins]

Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. Assault!

[Cut to Kyle Jeffries]

Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Man slaughter!

[Cut to Terry Pope.]

Terry Pope: Terry Pope. Abort an assault rifle to a barbecue.

[Cut to Victor Naples]

Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch of stuff.

[Cut to Calvin Williams]

Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Lootering with an intent to murder.

[Cut to Marvin Ingram]

Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of sexual assault at the Ohio State University.

[Cut to Willie Sampson]

Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason.

[Cut to Jeffrey Wilkins]

Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution.

[Cut to Terrence White]

Terrence White: Terrence White. I od’ed on penis pills.

[Cut to Lavar Washington]

Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman. That’s federal, baby.

[Cut to Tim Stevens]

Tim Stevens: And I am the punter. Tax fraud.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Wow, certainly a different line than we used to see.

Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the team looks significantly different than they did last week.

Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.

Phil Simms: I notice that as well.

Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they receive for their offences?

Phil Simms: [speaking secretly] Well, no, there weren’t any. So were not.

Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panther’s defense.

[Cut to Jacob Reynolds]

Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club.

[Cut to Donald Washburn]

Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American taliban.

[cut to Wendell Jones]

Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine.

[Cut to Devin Peters]

Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford.

[Cut to Bart Doleman]

Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nothing yet, but I’m gonna.

[cut to Barry Jenkins]

Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship.

[Cut to Greg Watkins]

Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was in that cruise too. It was pretty fun.

[Cut to Abaskuul Sulemon]

Abaskuul Sulemon: Abaskuul Sulemon. Somali pirate.

[Cut to Kendrick Douglas]

Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.

[Cut to Mrs. Kendrick Douglas]

Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife. I hit his ass back.

[Cut to Melvin McDonald]

Melvin McDonald: Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers.

[Cut back to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms]

Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.

Phil Simms: So, let’s get you straight to the field for kick off. We’ll see you back here for the half time show featuring Chris Brown. And a very special tribute to Pacman Jones.

Jim Nantz: Yes, it’s the NFL on CBS.

[Ends with an outro]

CNN State of the Union NFL in Crisis

Candy Crowley… Aidy Bryant

Roger Goodwell… Chris Pratt

Ray Lewis… Kenan Thompson

Shannon Sharpe… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with State of the Union intro]

Candy Crowley: Welcome to the State of the Union. I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess. I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for candy time. I read Nora Roberts novels while I crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell in press conference.]

Roger Goodwell: Now, this has been a tough couple of weeks. but in times of trouble you learn who your friends are. So, I want to thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skin’s owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick. And Saint’s coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Woof! Joining me now are two NFL veterans former Ravens line backer, Ray Lewis.

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: And Hall of famer, Shannon Sharpe.

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Thank you Candy. It is just absolutely a pleasure to be here. It is.

[Cut to Candy Crowley, Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Candy Crowley: Alright, first let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. [Cut to Candy Crowley] Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, Children need education. And one way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed, send them off.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, yes. But I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corporal punishment on a child?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s where we’re paying attention to.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Yes, but what I’m asking is what about you? Have you ever had, say, a legal problem that might have disrupted your team?

[cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me be perfectly clear. School buses are yellow. Sometimes, orange, depends. The bus pulls up, child gets on, child gets off to school.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Okay, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles with yourself with a spouse or a child?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, let me just tell you something. Okay, I have never had any legal trouble of my own, dating all the way back to Roger Goodwell0Candy Crowley0, well I did have some legal troubles. So, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, why is this such an ongoing problem?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, um-hmm, I believe that– Candy, players in NFL are trained to be aggressive. Okay, when you get off that field, you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and butt like line. Okay? The NFL needs to calm these players down. You know, maybe have some herbal tea. You know the possibility go to infinity, Candy. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodwell who I think announced more steps the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.

[Cut to Roger Goodwell]

Roger Goodwell: We want to be part of the solution. So, the NFL is organizing it’s own “Take back the night!” march on October 8th. What this says is we fight women. Oh! Excuse, me. We fight FOR women. We fight for different women? No? Oh! Yeah, of course not. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodwell is saying, he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told that you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in Roger Goodwell000. Is this a systemic problem?

[Cut to Ray Lewis]

Ray Lewis: School bus pulls up, child goes inside.

[Cut to Ray Lewis and Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy! Can I cut, I’m asking something.

[cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Um, yes. I’m sorry. Mr. Sharpe, did your bow-tie just get bigger?

[Cut to Shannon Sharpe]

Shannon Sharpe: Okay, Candy, this is a wide issue, okay? And NFL can’t possibly solve it. So, I’m looking forward to all this being solved by the NFL very soon. Yes, I am. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Candy Crowley]

Candy Crowley: Alright, let’s take a break to sort this out, but first, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Women in the Workplace: Dealing with Diversity

Donna Fingerneck… Cecily Strong

Jodi Cork… Kate McKinnon

D’Angelo… Vanessa Bayer

T Harrison… Chris Rock

Aidy Bryant

Todd…Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with intro of “Women in the Workplace”.] [Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork in their set]

Donna Fingerneck: Welcome. It’s me, Donna Fingerneck.

Jodi Cork: And as always, I’m Jodi Cork. Isn’t it hard being a woman in the workplace in the 1990s?

Donna Fingerneck: Sure can. That’s right. You’re watching. This video series. In previous lessons, you’ve learned how to dress for success, where to cry at work and excusing yourself from an important meeting.

Jodi Cork: Because you have to tinkle, or worse.

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck]

Donna Fingerneck: Today’s tape deals with diversity in the workplace. Have you ever gone to work and had a diverse person try to talk to you and you didn’t know where to look?

[Cut to Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Or have you ever accidentally offended a diverse person so much that you walked into a closet and stayed there the rest of the day? Even though every time someone got their coat, they saw you in there?

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Have you?

Jodi Cork: I have for sure.

Donna Fingerneck: And I did twice. So, I have more than once. Let’s watch this workplace simulation starring D’Angelo Tomae and T Harrison Cartel.

Jodi Cork: Will D’Angelo be able to work around T Harrison’s diversity?

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s view and see.

[Cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

D’Angelo: I wonder who they’ll hire to fill the boss position.

T Harrison: They’ve already done it, and it’s me.

D’Angelo: Oh, no, no. That can’t be right. Let’s start over.

T Harrison: Well, we can’t. I’m here and that’s the way it is. Let’s have a good working relationship.

[T Harrison gives his hand to D’Angelo to shake]

D’Angelo: I don’t know your handshakes. But I’ll try.

[T Harrison does her signature shake with clapping, finger snapping and dancing]

T Harrison: I don’t like that. I’m going to my office to listen to Shawday and try to forget you.

[T Harrison leaves] [Cut to D’Angelo] [Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Did you see D’Angela went wrong? She’s over compensating too much. That makes her seem like a nervous bigot.

Jodi Cork: Or more.

Donna Fingerneck: She should make him feel welcome and appreciated by resting his chin on his shoulder and paying him a compliment.

Jodi Cork: Watch now as D’Angela puts this diversity truck in reverse-city.

Donna Fingerneck: See if you can spot the compliments she tells.

[cut to D’Angelo and T Harrison]

T Harrison: These files have to be filed all the way. You think you can handle that?

D’Angelo: Yes, sir. But first, let me pay you a compliment.

T Harrison: All right, I would like that.

[D’Angelo gets behind T Harrison and puts her chin on T Harrison’s shoulder.]

D’Angelo: Here it is and I mean that. I honestly bet you’re big down there.

T Harrison: Hmm, down there?

D’Angelo: Below your waist band, where your water comes out.

T Harrison: I am big down there. But that’s a stereotype for my wife to deal with. You’re almost fired.

[cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, D’Angela. What a mess. She’s got he’s inks all over her face.

Jodi Cork: She needs to do major damage control and out-diverse him.

Donna Fingerneck: Show up in a wheel chair and tell her you’re a lesbian.

Jodi Cork: But be ready to go through with it, both of it.

Donna Fingerneck: Let’s see if D’Angela can turn her prejudice into preju-dat’s better!

[Cut to Aidy bring D’Angelo to the office on a wheel chair. T Harrison is watching.]

T Harrison: Wow, I didn’t know were a wheel chaired lesbian.

D’Angelo: Yes! For the rest of my life I think. Right honey?

Aidy: You know it.

[Cut to D’Angelo and Aidy kissing] [Cut to D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy]

T Harrison: Wow. You’re even more diverse than me. You’re promoted.

[Todd walks in]

Todd: [in gay voice] Hey! That promotion was for me.

T Harrison: Sorry Todd.

D’Angelo, T Harrison and Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Donna Fingerneck and Jodi Cork]

Jodi Cork: Good job D’Angela and T Harrison. You really taught us something next level terrific.

[Jay walks in and stands behind Donna Fingerneck]

Jay: Hi, ladies.

Donna Fingerneck: Oh, we have to go. Our dates are here. We are biracial couple.

[Beck walks in and puts his hand on Jodi Cork’s shoulder.]

Beck: Hi, sweety!

Jodi Cork: And I don’t do that. Sorry.

Beck: Let’s all blow kisses.

[The couples kiss] [Ends with an outro]

Weekend Update Katt Williams and Suge Knight on Getting Arrested

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Katt Williams… Jay Pharoah

Suge Knight… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set]

Michael Che: This Wednesday, comedian Katt Williams and Hip Hop model Suge Knight were arrested for stealing a photographer’s camera. Here to comment, are Katt Williams and Suge Knight.

[Katt Williams and Suge Knight slide in] [cheers and applause]

Katt Williams: Sir, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the–

Michael Che: No, no. You don’t have to do that here. You good.

Katt Williams: Oh, well better safe than sorry.

Michael Che: Alright, so you were both arrested together on this?

Katt Williams: Excuse me. Is that even a question? [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] I climb up on this scary man’s back and ride him around like Yoda Roda Mr. Luke Skywalker. You feel what I’m saying?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: I would love to see that. But tell me what happened with the photographer? Is this for real?

Suge Knight: Nah! You know what I’m saying? It was like barely an altercation. I mean, I was only shot five times.

Michael Che: That’s a lot, man.

Suge Knight: Not for me. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] My body got so much layer, I’m like a 300 pound number two.

Katt Williams: This man has so many bullets lodged in him that set off metal detectors at Laguardia airport right damn now. That’s what he’s dong.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che adn Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Okay, let me ask the real question. Are you guilty of this?

Suge Knight: Well, you know. I’ve been wanting to speak on that. Okay. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Because, what I do, you know what I’m saying? Is I be sneaking. Do a little legal begal. Private plane, all in the shower hiding behind the eskimo. So, when you talk about the past, that’s all in the future.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: What the hell are you talking about?

Katt Williams: Ah, Michael Che, sir, you’ll have to excuse Mr. Knight right now, okay? We have so much marijuana inside us, we can cure glaucoma by blowing in your eyes. Just, [blows], you’re cured.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Suge, you got a lot of priors, man. I mean, you can get 30 years for this. Do you have anything to say about it?

[Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight]

Suge Knight: Yeah! Stop arresting us.

Katt Williams: Absolutely correct, Michael. Y’all know this ain’t gonna take. Okay, look. I had been arrested so much that a police car is basically my Uber. You feel what I’m saying? But it never sticks. Okay?

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you’re admitting to this.

Katt Williams: Ah, look here. [Cut to Katt Williams and Suge Knight] Somebody in the hip hop community has to actually be bad. I mean Tupac is gone. Kanye designs men’s blouses. It’s true. And the biggest feud in hip hop is between Ice Cube and a can of course light. Halama-Shanda-Tanana, thank you Jesus.

[Cut to Katt Williams, Michael Che and Suge Knight]

Michael Che: Alright, there. Katt Williams and Suge Knights ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Katt Williams: I’m Colin Jost.

How’s He Doing with Chris Rock

Host… Kenan Thompson

Ronnie Williams… Jay Pharoah

Natalie Dickerson… Sasheer Zamata

Denice London… Leslie Jones

Kevin Michael Jakes… Chris Rock

[Starts with intro of “How’s He Doing?”] [Cut to Host]

Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” The show where the black voter takes a frank honest look at president Obama and asks, “How’s he doing?” You’re watching this because it’s too early for football but too late for church. Well, the mid term elections are on Tuesday. And it doesn’t look good for the president. Since we last checked, Obama’s approval rating has dropped by 5 points to hit a record low of 41%. But even worse than that, the president’s approval rating among black voters has dropped 7 points, all the way down to 92%. Joining me to discuss this dip, is our unbiased panel. Ronnie Williams is a writer for Everyday magazine.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams shaking his head] [Cut to Host]

Host: Natalie Dickerson is a senior editor for black voices on the Hovinton post.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson smiling and waving] [Cut to Host]

Host: Denice London is a cultural critic from Vibe.

[Cut to Denice London] [Cut to Host]

Host: And Kevin Michael Jakes, host to show called “Shaking my head” on serious FM’s new ‘Um-um’ channel.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes just staring at the camera]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Good to be here.

[Cut to everybody]

Host: All right, well the main terms are looking bleak. [Cut to Host] Republicans are likely going to take the senate. And many Americans have been disappointed with the president’s handling of the ebola crisis, immigration and ISIS. So, I’m asking. For real. Should we have voted for Mitt Romney?

[Cut to everybody. Everybody laughs.] [Cut to Host]

Host: Hell no. [laughing] Hell no. Come on now. Ay, come on! You heard me. I even said, “For real” that time. Oh! I do love to laugh in the morning. But seriously, people don’t think that president is doing enough about ebola.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Okay, look. One American had died from ebola. One. Okay? Kim Kardashain has claimed more black victims than ebola. Come on, now.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Yeah, but still it is scary.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: Well, then be safe. Why people keep talking about how they are afraid to catch disease while they’re kissing their dog on the mouth?

[Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, they love doing that.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: I know how you got ebola. From the pitbull you rescued from the land field.

Kevin Michael Jakes: Why are people so proud about a dog they got for free? You don’t hear me bragging about the cologne I rescued from this magazine.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You don’t, you really don’t. Um-umm. Moving on. Many people are saying that Obama wasn’t prepared for the rise of ISIS. We seem to cast administration by surprise.

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: You can’t blame the president for being distracted. He’s got people running into his house.

[cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: How are these people getting into the White House so easy? The president of the United States should have better security than Taye Diggs. I mean, run in the R. Kelly’s yacht and see what happens.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Absolutely. Absolutely. Alright, let’s move on to What Would It Take? Our weekly segment where we ask what would it take for Barack Obama to lose your support? Would the president lose your support if he radically changed his hairstyle?

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Depends on hairstyle.

[Cut to Host]

Host: A Jerry curl.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: He could bring a Jerry curl back. I mean, Icecube made some of his best albums with a Jerry curl.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Okay. Dreadlocks.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams and Natalie Dickerson]

Ronnie Williams: Uh-huh. You mean like clean style dreadlocks, right? Like Larry Fitzgerald?

[Cut to Host]

Host: No, no. I’m talking about three thick dirty dreadlocks for his entire head.

[Cut to Denice London and Kevin Michael Jakes]

Denice London: Oh, no!

Kevin Michael Jakes: Hell, no! Any man above Denice London0 with dreadlocks better have a PhD.

[Cut to Host]

Host: So he loses your vote?

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: No!

[Cut to Host]

Host: All right, well next. Sasha and Maliya talk back to Barack in public and he does nothing.

[Cut to Denice London]

Denice London: Okay, um, he probably whoop him after company leaves, right?

[Cut to Host]

Host: He does not whoop them. He does not do anything.

[Cut to Kevin Michael Jakes]

Kevin Michael Jakes: Okay, but- but he gave them the look, right? I mean, sometimes all you need is the look.

[Cut to Host]

Host: He did not give them the look. He looks down and away.

[Cut to Ronnie Williams]

Ronnie Williams: Well, I mean they’re nice young ladies. So, I’m sure whatever they said wasn’t that bad.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Barack said, “Y’all get up to bed now.” And they said, “Shut up, bitch! We watching scandal.”

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Oh, hell no!

[cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: I’m sorry. You cannot have your kids talk to you that way. You are the president. You need to command respect.

[cut to Host]

Host: So, does he lose your vote?

[Cut to Natalie Dickerson]

Natalie Dickerson: He does not.

[Cut to Host]

Host: There we go. That’s today’s show. Join us next time when we ask, “First MPD, guilty or incredibly guilty?” I’ll ball with incredibly guilty.

[Ends with outro]

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]