Weekend Update Jay Pharoah Talks About Black Comedians

Colin Jost

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, comedian Katt Williams made headlines for taking verbal shots at rival comedian Kevin Hart. However, the dispute was reportedly settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood. Here to talk more about this our own, Jay Pharoah.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Woo! Wad up, everybody?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Jay? Tell us about this secret meeting.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. The black comedians’ meeting?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy’s house. In his bowling alley.

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. And then tell us, what happened?

Jay Pharoah: Okay, so first [Cut to Jay Pharoah] Katt got up right? And Katt was like, [doing Katt Williams impression] “Now first you gotta understand something boo-boo. This right here, this right here, this is war. There can be only one munchkin on top you ragged son of a bitch!

You know, but that’s when Kevin got up and Kev was like, [doing Kevin Hart impression] “First of all, pow! Ping pang bow! Here’s the problem. I’ll tell you what the problem is. First of all, you got a pern. Only black man get away with a pern is Prince. And he is Prince. You’re not Prince. You got to say hi to Prince, I do too, but I smile. Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

And that’s when Dave Chappelle stands and–

Colin Jost: Hold on. Dave Chappelle was there too?

Jay Pharoah: I said it was all of us, Colin. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] So, Chappelle is like, [doing Dave Chappelle impression] “Hold on, baby. Everybody just calm down, son. Just calm down. We black, ou! We need to stick together. Trust me son. Hollywood is expecting us to fail baby. Let’s just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.”

[doing Chris Rock impression] “Africa? Dave, who wanna go to Africa? Africans don’t even wanna go to Africa. And they live there. [making faces] [Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, that’s Chris Rock?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, yeah. So then Eddie gets up, [Cut to Jay Pharoah] and he’s like, [doing Eddie Murphy impression] “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second. Everybody just relax okay? Everybody just relax. Everybody just relax. Everybody just cool out, alright? You know what I’m saying? We’re doing great at bowling, okay? Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, it’s your turn to bowl. Pick up the ball. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, yea. Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.”

And Tracy gets up, [doing Tracy Morgan impression] “Listen, I’ll bowl. I’ll bowl Eddie. I’ll bowl, you know. I’ll bowl right now. You know, Jackie Gleason is my biological father.”

And then Chris Tucker was like, [doing Chris Tucker impression] “Man! Then hurry up and bowl man. Damn! You’re holding up the game man. Damn, man!”

And then Hannibal Buress goes, [doing Hannibal Buress impression] “Okay, I just don’t understand why errybody has to yell in a site man, over bowling match in a living room. This is weird on so many levels.”

And then, Bernie Mac got up and said, [doing Bernie Mac impression] “Hmm, next time one of you son of a bitches have a party at Eddie Murphy’s house and don’t invite Macman, I’ma bust one of yous son of a bitches head to the white meat.”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Bernie Mac?

Jay Pharoah: Listen man, you got me. Honestly Colin, I made it all up. That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: Okay. Jay Pharoah, everyone.

Jay Pharoah: Boom!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage] [Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

Jonah Hill Monologue

Jonah Hill

Kyle Mooney


Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[Jonah Hill walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’ve had such a crazy year. Wow. So much happened. I had a starring role in the ‘Hail, Caesar!’… trailer. What else? I saw Deadpool opening day. Oh, thank god! A question.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience]

Kyle: Hey, Jonah. Medium fan here. I notice you haven’t starred in a movie in a long time.

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Well, first of all, crazy roots. Second of all, that’s not really a question, Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Okay, here’s a question. What’s it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends?

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! It’s really funny, Kyle. I love you videos that you make. They remind me of how much I miss Andy Samberg.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: [yelling] Yeah, I miss your career!

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: I hate you so much, Kyle. Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting. So–[cheers and applause] Crazy. So, I thought I’d mix it up and we have an amazing musical guest tonight. Future! I’m such a big fan of Future. I figure I’m such a big fan of Future, let’s forget the monologue and just kick things off with a musical performance by Future featuring Drake.

[Future walks in]

Future: Drake is not here, man!

Jonah Hill: Oh, he’s not? I guess I could do it.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Oh, no, no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Jonah Hill: Get out of here. Get out of here, Jay. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway, Futs, you were insisting I should do Drake’s part?

Future: I never days that.

Jonah Hill: I guess I do know it. But… we’re gonna do this little rap. I just have one question.

Future: No, you can’t say any of the ‘N’ words.

Jonah Hill: No, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of them. I never sing them.

Future: Even when you’re alone.

Jonah Hill: Let’s do this. Jump man.

[music playing] [Future start dancing] [rapping] Yeah
Taliban, Taliban
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something
I just found my tempo like I’m DJ mustard
Lobster and celine for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them hoes that wanna diss
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman,
Uh, uh, uh think I need some Robitussin

Future: Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
I just seen the jet take off they up to something

Jonah Hill: We got a great show for you tonight. Future is here.

Future: Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away] [Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.] [The End]

Pickup Artist

Cecily Strong

Veronica… Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

Ronda… Melissa McCarthy

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Joe… Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Janice… Leslie Jones

Uncle… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of ladies]

Cecily: Alright ladies, now it’s time for your final test. We’re gonna use each of the pickup techniques you’ve learned in my class ‘The Art Of The Pickup’ for the first time in the real world situation. Veronica, you’re up. Now remember, zero in on the guy you like, compliment his friend to make him jealous and then neg him. Say something negative and get him off this game.

[Veronica walks to two guys having beer]

Veronica: Hey, I like your haircut.

Taran: Oh, thanks.

Veronica: But I don’t know about your friend’s shirt. Grey is not your color.

Jay: Ha-ha. What? I’m interested, what is my color?

[Cut to the ladies watching Veronica]

Cecily: Perfect! She said something negative to pick his interest. Ronda, why don’t you give it a try?

Ronda: I’m ready.

[Ronda walks to other two guys having beer]

I like your hair.

Kenan: Oh, thank you.

[Ronda turns to Kyle]

Ronda: And I think you’re a piece of crap and I’ll bash you and I’ll use you.

Kyle: Oh, what?

[Ronda walks back to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that?

Cecily: Okay, that was very bad, Ronda. It was way, way too negative. Alright, let’s try one of our pickup lines. Joe, you’re up. Remember to initiate physical contact.

Joe: Yeah.

[Joe walks to Pete]

Is that a mirror in your pants? Coz I can see myself in them. [puts her hand on Pete’s shoulder.]

Pete: Wow! Cool! So aggressive.

[Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Alright, that was perfect, guys. Ronda, give another shot?

[Ronda walks back to the guys she talked to earlier]

Ronda: hey, I like your outfit.

Kyle: Thank you.

Ronda: I’d like it better crumpled up on my bedroom floor.

Kyle: Nice.

Ronda: Don’t let it touch my uncle Jessie’s bed. [leaning her body near Kyle’s] I think he’s a serial killer. [she starts licking her palm and rubbing it on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: What are you doing? What are you doing? Stop that.

[Ronda kisses Kyle’s chest]


Kenan: Are you hitting on us?

Ronda: No. But I’d like to hit your face. [Ronda slaps Kenan’s glass out of his hand]

Cecily: Ronda!

Ronda: Duty calls! [Ronda pushes Kenan and walks to the ladies] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: Okay guys.

Ronda: I think I’m getting it.

Cecily: Now what did Ronda do wrong?

Vanessa: Um, she said her uncle is a serial killer.

Cecily: Yep, she made that tiny fart noise with her mouth.

Ronda: I’d like to just point out now whenever he smells a fart, he’s gonna think of me, dummy!

Cecily: Janice, why don’t you give it a shot?

[Janice walks to the guys Ronda talked to]

Janice: [to Kenan] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kenan: What?

Janice: Me.

Kenan: Damn. Can I buy you a drink?

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Let me try. [to Kyle] Do you know what would look good on you?

Kyle: Let me guess, you.

Ronda: No, not me. My uncle. He has a cool haircut.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s beer and rubs on his face.]

Kyle: Stop! Stop! Oh, my god!

Ronda: Do you think it would be better if I choked you out and hit you in the head with the rock?

[Ronda is choking Kyle]

Kyle: What the hell? Get off me, dude!

[Ronda walks to the ladies]

Ronda: How was that? I initiated physical contact, right?

Cecily: Well Ronda, you choked him.

Ronda: Yeah.

Cecily: Put your fingers in his mouth, and then in your mouth.

Ronda: Yeah, but then I let it go and I showed mercy. So you’re the dumb one.

Cecily: Okay. Well, fine. [To Vanessa] Now, why don’t you show us what you’ve learned. Remember to try and set future plan.

[Vanessa walks to two guys]

Vanessa: Um, hey. Me and my friends have a bet. How much do you think the ball in Time Square weighs? Maybe we should go out on New Year and ask.

Bobby: Oh, that’s cool. I’ve never been to New York except for one serious surgery.

[Cut to Ronda waking into the guys she talked to before again]

Ronda: [to Kyle] Hey, me and my friends have a bet. I hear at prison executions, the victim poops himself on the slab. So, maybe we should go to one together and see if he poops on a slab. And if we make it back and prisoner does indeed poop on the slab, then I will give you $10,000, but if he doesn’t poop then you’ll kiss me at my mouth. But I don’t have the money, so I hope he poops.

[Ronda dips her hand on Kyle’s drink, licks her hand and puts her hand on Kyle’s mouth]

Kyle: Stop! Get off me. Stop that. Please stop that. Stop that. Don’t do that.

Ronda: Oh! Oh! My uncle is here.

[Cut to Uncle]

Uncle: Somebody touched my bed!

[The End]

Awareness Seminar

Vanessa Bayer

Windle… Adam Driver

Harper… Cecily Strong

Jay Pharoah

Pete Davidson

Jon Rudnitsky

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a classroom with the students and adults]

Vanessa: Guys, if I had a remote, I’d be hitting mute. Okay? That’s better. So we’re continuing awareness week today with four speakers who’d like to talk to you about bullying.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: Hey team. I’m Windle. This is Harper. And we’re here to talk to you about a form of mental harassment that we both got mixed up in during high school. Who’s familiar with social puppeteering?

[The students have no clue]

Well, it’s surprising.

Harper: Okay, well in simplest terms, it’s manipulating others for your own amusement. Hijacking someone’s reality to feel powerful.

Windle: Here’s an example of something I did. In the sixth grade, I paid like 80 kids a buck to go up to this kid Nathan and say, “Hey, nice hat.” So, what’s the problem? Nathan wasn’t wearing a hat. If 80 kids say you’re wearing a hat, you start thinking, “Maybe I’m wearing a hat.” And watching him wrestle with that made me feel good. I took the most valuable thing he had, his mind. That’s the idea behind social puppeteering. Any question?

[Cut to the students]

Jay: Yeah. How come we don’t know about this?

Pete: I know. It sounds so fun.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay guys. This shouldn’t sound fun to you, okay? They’re here to tell you how bad it is.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Yeah, absolutely. I mean guys, if you get into this, it will take over your life. I spent thousands of dollars hunting [unintelligible] [Cut to the students]

Jon: [noting down] Oh, please explain that.

[Cut to Harper]

Harper: Well, I hired day labors to build an enormous replica of his room in an airplane hanger so he woke up in a three storey bed the length of an Olympic swimming pool thinking he’s now half an inch tall. I mean, I went all out. I got the people who made the Jurassic Park dinosaurs to build a giant animatronic daddy long legs he had to fight. Kid peed himself and hid in a giant lego for hours. It was pretty great. Also, wrong.

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Windle: It really will ruin your life. My brother doesn’t speak to me because I vampired him. I won’t pour you with the details.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: No, no. Please do.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Well, in a nutshell, I hired this weird Albino dude to bite him and run away. And a week later, I started sprinkling a small amount of molly into his dinner every night. So at night he feels amazing but during the day, he feels a little bombed out because the molly was wearing off. So he started craving the night coz that’s when he got the molly. The night time became his magical time. He was convinced that he was a vampire. He bit our dad.

[Cut to the classroom]

Bobby: Excuse me. I’m sorry to interrupt but I think I may have been socially puppeteered. [Cut to Bobby] See, I’m not a transfer student. I’m a 37 year old man. Two months ago, what I thought was an elite police squad hired me to pose as a high school student and gather intel about a new drug called Squiff. But I haven’t heard from them since and they definitely haven’t been paying me. So…

[Cut to Windle and Harper]

Harper: Oh, yeah. You know what? I’m started to say it man, but you got 21 Jump Streeted!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Wow! I can’t believe it happened to me.

[Cut to Windle]

Windle: It can happen to anyone.

[Video pauses]

Male voice: Don’t be a pupet. Learn more at www.stopsocialpuppeteering.org.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody] [singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Super Crew

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Metalia… Ronda Rousey

Gazina… Cecily Strong

Solar… Jay Pharoah

Aviana… Leslie Jones

Noodle Man… Pete Davidson

Mr. Leathers… Taran Killam

The Beast… Kenan Thompson

Queen of Quata… Aidy Bryant

Koos-koos… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with giant robots destroying the city in Metro City – 2016.]

Vanessa: Maniac has unleashed his cyber beasts all over the city! We’re doomed.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle looking from the roof]

What are we going to do?

Kyle: It looks like the end.

[Hero entrance music playing]

Vanessa: Look, what’s that?

Kyle: I think help has arrived.

[Cut to the Super Crew. They all have their super hero costume on.]

Super Crew: Fear not friends, the super crew is here to save the day.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Thank god. The city is in trouble. Can you help?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Of course we can. I am Metalia. I can bend metal with my mind.

[Metalia pulls out a metal pipe and bends it using her power.] [Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: That’s gonna work great against these metal menaces. Go get em’!

[Cut to Super Crew]

Gazina: Hang on, coz you know there’s more here than just her and it’s really only fair for each to get an intro, okay?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Oh, okay. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

[Cut to Solar]

Solar: I’m Solar! I can harness the power of the sun to melt any material.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! You can melt the robots right now.

[Cut to the Super Crew]

Gazina: Yeah, and I think he probably will do that after we meet everyone.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle] [Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I am Aviana. I’m gifted with the power of flight.

Kyle: Awesome.

Aviana: But only as fast as you can walk and only for 2016 seconds at a time.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: That’s great.

[Cut to Aviana]

Aviana: I can do it twice a day.

[Noodle Man walks in]

Noodle Man: I’m Noodle Man. I can create a mountain of noodles to smother any fall. It’s noodle time.

[Noodle Man starts dancing] [Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: I think honestly we could get the job done with just the heat man and metal lady.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: Okay, can I talk to you for just a second? We don’t know each other very well but the more you interrupt this, the longer this is gonna take.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how many are there total?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: Like, between six and 30.

[Cut to Mr. Leathers]

Mr. Leathers: I’m Mr. Leathers. At any moment I can be wearing leather. Oh, I have it on now.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, I don’t see how that helps.

[blasting sound]

Kyle: Oh no! I think they attacked the orphanage.

[Cut to everybody. Aviana is flying.]

Aviana: Look, I’m flying.

Vanessa: Well, don’t waste it. Now you can only use it once more.

Aviana: No, this was the second time.

Kyle: Then what else can you do today?

Aviana: I’m not sure.

[The Beast walks in]

The Beast: I’m The Beast. [roars] [Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Now we’re talking.

The Beast: Yes! Because [Cut to The Beast] I’m obsessed with Beauty and the Beast.

[singing] a tale as old as time

[Queen of Quata walks in]

Queen of Quata: Hah! I’m Queen of Quata! I command the seas. But the question is will they obey? An the short answer is no.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay, so you can’t do anything?

[Cut to Queen of Quata]

Queen of Quata: I just love the beach. And I can eat sand and so far it hasn’t hurt me.

[Gazina walks in]

Gazina: I am Gazina. I have gay-dar but only for black men. Alert! One here is.

[Cut to The Beast and Solar]

Solar: I am? Oh!

[Koos-koos walks in]

Koos-koos: I don’t really have to go coz I’m very similar to Mr. Noodles, but my name is Koos-koos if that helps.

[Fire-butt walks in]

Fire-butt: And I’m Fire-butt.

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Great! We think all of you are great.

Kyle: So now you can probably save the city, right?

[Cut to Metalia]

Metalia: I’m on it.

[Metalia using power sound] [The robots are melt down.] [Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Metalia saved the day!

[Cut to Gazina]

Gazina: I’m sorry. Who saved the day?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Vanessa: Okay. We mean the Super Crew all together equally saved the day as a unit.

[Cut to Super Crew]

Super Crew: Yes!

[The End]

Screen Guild Awards

Cecily Strong

Brad Dunn… Taran Killam

Ronda Rousey

Jay Pharoah

Drew Mackenzie… Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Barry Peele… Beck Bennett

Alan Smickel… Bobby Moynihan

Jacob Schultz… Jon Rudnitsky

Leslie Jones

Male voice: We now return to the Screen Guild Awards.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And now, the award for the best actor. There were so many great performances this year. It’s a shame we couldn’t nominate more. But I think we can all agree these were the best of the best. For ‘Punching Upward’ [Cut to Brad] as a boxing coach who wouldn’t give up on his pupil, Brad Dunn.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Punching Upward’]

Brad: So that’s it, huh? You’re just gonna quit?

Jay: Man, I don’t know why I’m doing this anyway. I’ll never beat Ruiz.

Brad: Ay! Screw Ruiz. You know who you gotta beat? Him! [showing the mirror] That guy right there. That’s the toughest opponent you’ll ever face in the world.

[Cut to Brad and Drew] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Shut Em Down’, a rockest look at rough and tumble 80s rap group Public Disaster, [Cut to Drew] in the role of Little Q, Drew Mackenzie.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Shut Em Down’]

Kenan: Man, they’ve been tryna’ shut us down from day one. Speak a little truth, and they tryna’ to take you out. But if anybody wants to leave, there’s the door. So who’s staying?

[Drew walks in]

Drew: Yeah, guys! Who’s staying? I know I am.

[Cut to Drew waving at the camera. Kenan is behind him looking angry.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘Thurgood’, the story of the first black supreme court justice Thurgood Marshall, [Cut to Barry] playing the role of Dave, Barry Peele.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Thurgood’.]

Sasheer: I can’t wait forever Marshall. Do you love me? Or your books?

Marshall: Viv, if I’m gonna make it as a lawyer, I got to work 10 times as hard as these white folks. It’s the only way it’s gonna work.

[Barry walks in]

Barry: Hey guys, we close in five minutes.

Marshall: Thanks Dave.

[Barry walks away] [Cut to Barry waving at the camera. The actor who played Marshall is behind him looking angry.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: For ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’, the story of African child soldiers and the ruthless warlord who led them, [Cut to Alan] for his role of white man with camera, Alan Smickel.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘All the Beasts of Heaven’.]

Jay: You will eat when I say. You will sleep when I say. You will kill when I say.

[Alan walks in with a camera in. Jay cannot see him so Alan just turns around and walks away.]

When we fight, we will eat the beating hearts.

[Cut to Alan smiling and looking at the camera. Jay is sitting beside him looking funnily. Alan gives him hand for a high-five but Jay ignores him.] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Finally, for ‘Red Line’, the story of discriminatory housing practices between African Americans in Chicago, [Cut to Jacob] for his role as unseen voice on phone, Jacob Schultz.

[Cut to a clip from the movie ‘Red Line’.]

Leslie: [on the phone][sobbing] You white people think you can take anything you want. Well, this is my house and it’s not right.

Jacob: Okay. I’ll give him the message.

[Cut to Jacob smiling at the camera.] [Cut to Leslie looking angry] [Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: And the best actor is…[Cecily opens the card] Oh! Oh my god, I knew it. It’s five way tie. All the white guys!

[All the white guys walk to the stage happily]

Alan: Whoo! We did it!

[The End]